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What did I need to admit to myself on walking in to the recovery program

On walking in to the recovery program I did not understand that I was living in fear and panic.
I did not understand that my addictions and my obsessions were a form self abuse and escaping people life and situations because I felt so emotionally vulnerable.
I am a non religious person and over time with the help of like minded people I would gin faith and hope in myself and in my recovery.
It was not enough for me just to read text, I needed to exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
Only by abstaining from unhealthy habits could I stop hurting myself and start the healing process.
On walking in to the recovery program I did not value myself I did not value money and I I did not value other people.
Each time I said to myself oh who cares any way was the instant I was giving up all faith and hope in myself.
At what time do I admit to myself that I am unhealthy.
At what time do I admit to myself that  my addictions and my obsessions were a complete waste of time and my energy.
The gambling establishments never hurt me, I hurt myself.
The gambling establishments never made me do some thing that I did not want to do.
The gambling establishments never hurt other people, I hurt them myself.
A time came when each day was very slow baby steps, to change from being unhealthy to become healthy.
My days before my recovery were very much fear and panic.
On day one in the recovery program I did not think that I could achieve success, I did not think that I could achieve new goals.
It took me along time in the recovery program to write down my needs, to write down my wants, and to write down my new found skills.
People  do not understand how much fear limited us in every day life.
There were so many fears I use to juggle them all and not able to focus on one fear.
The recovery program was a manual to healthy living, the recovery program was not going to do the work for me, only when I gave the same amount of energy in to my recovery would I over come feeling emotionally vulnerable.
Feeling emotionally vulnerable did not mean I was a weak person.
The recovery program was about healing my hurt inner child.
The recovery program was about me learning each day I can make much healthier choices.
Me being in the recovery program I would find out that as a child I was a victim.
I would find out that being in an addiction or obsession I became a perpetrator.
Why was it as a child people picked on me in so many ways.
Why did not pick pick on other people,  because other people were not as emotionally vulnerable as I was.
I did karate for two years it took me two years to learn that I feared aggression and confrontation.
My fears of aggression and confrontation came from my parents anger towards each other which was before I was even seven years of age.
To stop being the victim I needed to speak up for myself.
To be healthy to speak up for myself from a place of peace.
If  you meet aggression with aggression things become very unhealthy and cause further pains.
There was the wording that people are negative people, is that true.
For me I understand that people who are angry are people who were victims that never healed from their past.
I use to say to myself that I wanted justice, it was not justice I wanted, I wanted vengeance, not the same thing.
It  took me time to learn to write things down, to get clarity and focus, by writing things down I remain completely focused on things today.
The recovery program would help me heal my hurt inner child, recovery would help me live from the past and not live in it.
The recovery program would help me learn to articulate myself in healthy ways.
The recovery program would help me learn to heal and cry for my hurt inner child.
The recovery program would help me learn to be more patient and tolerant with myself.
In time my fear of failure reduced, my fear of the opposite sex reduced, my fear of emotional intimacy reduced, my fear of abandonment and rejection reduced, my fear of being honest reduced, my fear of family gatherings reduced, my fear of feeling ignorant reduced, my fear of feeling inadequate reduced, my fear of commitment reduced, my fear of having cash on me reduced, my fear of trust reduced, and my procrastination reduced.
Who or what did avoid facing or dealing with.
I have been to graves so that my pains could be healed and my fears were faced, I have been to places where horrific things happened to me.
I have become some one who I am proud to be today.
Learn from our past, do not live in ti.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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