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Did Gambling control my life did I feel I had no choice but to live a lie

Did Gambling control my life did I feel I had no choice but to live a lie.

The addictions and obsessions were a form of escape, escape from people, escape from my life, escape from situations I could not cope with.

When I went to my addictions and my obsessions I simply made things in my life more difficult.

The recovery program was going to help me heal from the pains and emotional trauma of my life.

The consequences of the pains and emotional trauma in my life was fears I did not understand.

Would the recovery program was going to help me heal if I was a non religious person, yet it certainly did.

The simple fact was that I needed lots of help, was I willing or able to listen, sadly I had control and trust issues.

How was the recovery program going to help me recognize that I was emotionally vulnerable, how was the recovery program going to help me understand I could not trust myself with money on my person.

I did not respect the value of money, I thought that money on its own would make me feel successful in myself.

In time I would not focus on money or gambling or even money lost.

I would focus on understanding when I was emotionally vulnerable, I would be more understanding of how important therapies were.

The recovery program was very much like mountain climbers, in admitting that I needed to learn healthier skills in living my life in healthy ways.

To understand when I was emotionally vulnerable and what were my emotional triggers were.

Because of my low self worth, low self esteem, and inadequacy, asking for help was very difficult, I would even say that I was very stubborn.

The recovery program going to help me understand the addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms of emotional vulnerability.

The adrenaline rush, was fear based, the anticipation and build up was a way of me avoiding feeling the pains and fears I buried and suppressed.

Being in the recovery program was going to help me see and feel myself in other people experiences.

Both the healthy and unhealthy.

My jealousy of other peoples success had nothing to do about heir success.

The truth was I felt like I was left behind by many people from a very early age.

In the recovery program I was not going to suppress my feelings and my emotions.

In the recovery program I was going to learn how to articulate my feelings and my emotions, I would start to understand my anger, I would start to feel my pains, I would start to face my fears, I would start to reduce my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations. 

The more I opened up the less fear I would live in, my trust would grow, and I could relate more and understand how vulnerable I was.

My life changed from feeling inadequate insecure inept dysfunctional stressed out to starting to feel a part of some thing healthier than I use to be.

My unhealthy reactions changed to healthy interactions.

Today I am a more spiritual person yet I am not religious person.

My spiritual growth has strengthened my conscience more, I am not willing to justify doing or saying things that would hurt me or other people.

Every lie I lived caused more fears in than I could cope with.

I do not want or need to lie  today.

I do not rejection or abandonment today.

I do not fear what people think of me today.

I do not fear people if they have a different opinion to mine.

I use to fear failure now I understand that my failure is to not even try.

Every new experience is a slow learning curve for me.

Each time I went back to my addictions and my obsessions was a lesson if I was willing to learn from it.

By giving the recovery program 90 days was a good investment in myself and my life today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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