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Handing over my finances was a big help in my recovery

In the earlier days I viewed money as a control issue.

I use to think I could trust myself with money but that was not true for me.

Only carrying around the bare essentials helped me to start valuing money.

To put value to money I worked out my hourly basic rate how much money I earned for one hour of work.

Each time I Gambled meant that I worked for two weeks and gave all that time and energy to a complete stranger while and my family went without.

During my time of being in action I did not know how to celebrate in healthy ways.

The simple fact was that every time I went and gambled I made things worse.

With filtered thinking I would only recall a previous win I had and the short time of feeling successful with my time.

Today I understand that money on its own was not going to help me feel successful in myself.

The instant reactions of feeling regret guilty or ashamed or even of feeling unworthy would need to change with in myself.

By working my recovery with a healthy like minded person would take time, to recognize when I feel emotionally vulnerable, what my emotional triggers were, to open up and talk about my emotional vulnerability, this opening up in therapy would help me see and feel myself in other people.

As I faced my emotional vulnerability I would be less likely to want to escape in my fears in my feelings of being inadequate and insecure.

The addictions were a way of me escaping, people life and situation I could not cope with.

As I got more and more in to my recovery I did not find that things got simpler, the truth was I was going to be tested more and more.

It is my unhealthy reaction to people life and situation which would change.

The recovery program would help me understand my feelings and my emotions, help me to heal my pains, help me to face my fears, help me to reduce my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations. 

Over time I would no longer want or need to escape, I would become more focused on today.

I would write down my needs today, I would write down my wants today,I would write down my goals today.

A the meetings I found that I got more stimulated by other people therapies, there would be questions after the meetings, this kind of stimulus would help me get motivated in much healthier ways.

What were my feelings today, what were my feelings today, what were my unhealthy reactions today.

I am able to celebrate each day today, I am able to more productive most days without being obsessive.

I tend to focus more on things I can change and let go of things that I am unable to change.

In time I would be more patient and tolerant with myself.

In time I would be more encouraging and nurturing towards myself.

In order to love other people I needed to learn to be loving towards myself.

In order to respect other people I needed to learn to be more respectful towards myself.

In time I would heal more and more of that hurt inner child.

By abstaining from unhealthy habit I would learn to embrace much healthier habits.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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