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Before the start of my recovery I was inept inadequate insecure immature.

On entering the spiritual recovery program I was not doing it for myself.

The longer I was involved with my addictions and my obsessions the less likely I was going to do it for myself.

I did not enter the recovery program for myself, I did it because I felt I did not have a choice.

One day I would identify the simple fact I was very much like a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting nowhere healthy.

My addictions and my obsessions only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable, I was not a bad person, I was not an evil person, I was not a  stupid or dumb person, I was trying to bury and suppress my pains fears and frustrations.

The gambling establishments did not hurt me I hurt myself, the gambling establishments encouraged me to stay in their establishments so that I would hand over my money.

I use to think that people with  money were successful people.

One person I met I said to that person are you happy you have all this money.

The person asked me if I thought that money was his main goal in his life, I said yes, he said I got it wrong, his main goal in his life was to be successful, the consequences of being successful was more income, his goal was never money or material things.

Before my recovery I felt very vulnerable with groups of people, I felt that I needed to have some drinks so that my fears reduced.

The simple truth was that I feared emotional intimacy long before my addictions and my obsessions.

I am anon religious person, yet I embrace spiritual values, days we got married a person told my wife that I was a good person.

How could it be that person was so sure of the fact that deep down I was a good person.

Yet over time I did not understand my emotional triggers, I did not understand when I felt emotionally vulnerable. 

The spiritual recovery program could not stop me gambling, that was going to be my own choice.

The spiritual recovery program was a manual to finding a healthy life with out my addictions and my obsessions.

Once I took the spiritual recovery program seriously I was not only be able to abstain from a lot of unhealthy habits, I was going to blossom and open up and became a healthy productive self sufficient healthy person I would be proud of.

The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program was going to encourage me to attend meetings no matter when my last bet was, to encourage me to attend meetings even if I had no money.

The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program would clap me and complimented me on my honesty when I admitted having a bet just hours before a meeting.

The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program would be encouraging towards me and be nurturing towards me when I felt most vulnerable.

There are some people who will say that pride is unhealthy, the simple truth is pride is healthy, when we say or do some thing that is healthy we reward our self with pride in our self and our new found skills.

Sadly the unhealthy people in the spiritual recovery program will try and trick people, manipulate people, or even bully people in the rooms of recovery, this is very unhealthy indeed and not only affects the person who is being hurt but also reduced the trust in the meeting.

The people in the spiritual recovery program would never take any credit what so ever for another person recovery, in fact it is and was very imperative that sponsor helps persons to take full responsibility for their credit and advances in their growth, this encouragement this nurturing helps a person build up confidence and self esteem in them self.

Some people will often think that clean time can be lost, not so no matter if person admits to have a bet after decades that clean time is lost, not so, yet a person will question their own recovery and if they did not fully understand all of their emotional triggers.

The ideal situation is to be completely emotionally detached from all feelings and emotions towards addiction obsessions and any form of escape.

The question is when is a person being obsessive about some thing, it is important to understand our needs our wants and our goals, it was very important to write them all down, that is my commitment to myself.

If I do a thing for far to long I am not being healthy towards myself, it is important for me to have breaks after a certain amount of time, to relax and get clarity in my mind.

Identifying all of my fears was very important, to take the greatest fear in my life and to face it head on, what is the very worst thing that could happen, by taking my biggest fear ever fear after that seems so much easier and simpler to face.

My theory is that every fear we have is a consequence of unhealed pains of my past.

For me it is possible to face my fears with out knowing or understanding which pain caused fears in me.

I did Karate fro two years, I would say that I did it obsessively, and after two years would recognize that my fears of aggression and confrontation came earlier in my child hood.

Can an unhealthy person adversely affect another person, yes for sure, my control issues in my family caused unhealthy reactions from my family, only when I was in the healing process could I see the fear in my family reduce.

How do I measure my recovery is how honest my family can be when I am with them.

Was I a victim in my life, yes for sure,  was I a perpetrator in my life, yes for sure,  was I a rescuer in my life, yes for sure.

Each of these is unhealthy, just because I stopped my addiction and my obsessions did not mean I was being healthy in myself or with my family.

My fear of emotional intimacy started earlier in my child hood, in the meetings I could only open up very slowly and it took em time to trust meetings and people who were addicts.

Often we hold a open debate of how meeting is working out.

Do people want any thing to change, how much we read, if we are free to comment and question on readings only, by this openness and freedom can people make further decisions and how to communicate their needs wants and their future goals.

I had to admit that I did not like feeling like I was the victim, for me to stop being the victim I needed to speak out for myself from a place of peace. To set up healthy boundaries.

The addictions and obsessions were a form of escape, escaping people life and situations I could not cope with.

My frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, by me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, I was in effect causing myself pains time and time again, my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations came from my child hood.

My unreasonable expectations when I was a child I was hurting myself,  sadly my parents were unable to love them selves, so they were unable to love me, my parents were unable to open to emotional intimacy to them selves, so they were unable to to emotional intimacy with me.

My parents were unable to say they loved me, my parents were unable to be nurturing and encouraging to them self so they were unable to be nurturing and encouraging towards me, my parents were unable to compliment them selves.

How healthy am I today, how much more can I do with my life today.

Do I show appreciation and gratitude to all people in my life today.

How many spiritual values do I show towards other people today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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