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On entering my recovery I lived in so many fears.

In time I would understand that I lived in so many fears it staunted me from being a healthy person.

Pains and abuse in my child hood caused me to live in so many fears.

I lived in fear of rejection and abandonment, I lived in fear of being honest, I lived in fear of emotional intimacy, I lived in fear of being accountable to myself and to other people.

I lived in fear of failure, I could not compliment myself or validate myself, I even lived in fear of being proud of any thing I did.

At my first year of celebrating my recovery I did not feel I had done it, I did not feel that people opinions of how far I was in my recovery was true.

Since being in recovery I found out that by me not trying new challenges I was cheating myself, by not trying new skills I was failing myself.

I constructed a house extension to our home, on completion our neighbor called over to see it.

He complimented me on doing such a good job, my response as to point out that a peace of wood had a crack in it.

There was implications by people in the recovery program that having proud in one self was unhealthy, for me that confused me, having feelings of being proud was a change on how we view our self.

People who boast in unhealthy ways in an arrogant way makes me think why do they need to prove them self to other people.

So for me the consequences of living in my fears meant I had not resolved the pains of my past.

My anger indicated that the rage that came out of me was my hurt inner child lashing out.

In saying I wanted justice was not true, I was in effect looking to transfer my pains fears and frustrations on to other people and would even justify my unhealthy ways.

My trying to control other people only indicated how insecure I was in myself.

My control issues were very much fear based, in saying that I was trying to control other people because I loved them was not true. 

What are fear based issues for me, stress anxiety panic, my going in to panic mode was due to high levels of fear already in me, each time I gambled I was on an adrenaline rush, the bigger the risk the bigger the highs.

So just by me abstaining from gambling did not heal my pains and did not resolve levels of fears with in me.

As I attended more and more meetings my fears reduced, as my fears reduced my trust grew, as my trust grew therapies exposed more and more of myself.

This affection at this time, would it help me to live in doors filled with fears, no so I do not fear I view living in doors as me protecting myself.

I use to live in fear of living, that fear stunted my recovery.

If one is blessed with a healthy sponsor who is nurturing and encouraging, a healthy sponsor will not bully or manipulate people, a healthy sponsor will demonstrate patience and tolerance, a healthy sponsor will not take any credit for another person growth or goal achieving.

There is a view that a sponsor should only talk to the opposite sex, I do not agree with that theory, a healthy sponsor would not get emotionally involved with the opposite sex, that would not be a healthy thing to do.

The reason for an unhealthy reaction in anger could be an emotional trigger pains fears or frustrations, for me being angry is a very unhealthy reaction and being angry I hurt myself and other people.

To continue being angry is a kind of honesty of how much pain fear and frustration we hold with in our self.

Yet it us to me to be honest to myself and ask myself is being angry healthy and if not what am I going to do about it.

Panic cannot occur if I have no fears with in me.

By living in fear did it resolve any thin with me.

On entering my recovery did I not live in fear of the postman, did I not live in fear of the telephone ringing, did I not live in fear of people coming to my front door, did I not live in fear of change, did I not live in fear of being honest, did I not live in fear of emotional intimacy, did I not live in fear of failure.

A person had a problem with a machine which was broken, he was going to open it up and have look inside, I questioned if he did not fear making things worse, he laughed he said it not working I can not make it any worse.

After that incident my fears were reduced when things broke down and am often willing to open up and try to fix things.

As my fears reduced I came more and more out of myself, by my healthy actions and by my healthy words I have come out of myself.

I do not need to have a drink to mix with people, I am not in to person pleasing, I am not in to guilt tripping people, I am not in to proving myself to other people.

I trust my instincts today, I am committed to being the healthiest person I can be today.

There is no doubt in myself today, that guilt ridden person I use to be is not longer today.

How ever unhealthy I was on the start of my recovery I did not know it.

If I had not being willing to take my recovery seriously I doubt very much I would be the person I am today.

Today no guilt no shame, no regret, I do not hate myself any more.

Even today my recovery is slow healthy baby steps.

If I had not taken my recovery seriously the person I would have cheated was myself.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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