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My control issues were fear based and indicated how insecure and adequate I was
#1
Hi

The recovery program was not about people trying to control me or my life.

The recovery program was going to help me understand how unhealthy I was.

The recovery program was never going to change me that was my choice, my conscious decision to understand that I was being unhealthy.

The choice was totally mine, in hearing and seeing other peoples therapies I would see and hear myself.

The recovery program was going to help me heal my inner child, to help me communicate in healthy ways.

As I opened up more, as I gave up talking about money addictions obsessions and get focused on how I could become a healthy and whole person.

Did my addictions control my life and my choices, no it was very much fear based issues, I could not be myself, I could not be honest at any depth, I use to live in fear of being honest, .I use to live in fear of emotional intimacy.

So as I got more honest with myself I was able to be more honest with other people.

As I got more respectful of myself I was able to be more respectful of other people.

Only when I learned to love myself only then I could love other people.

It seems very strange that from out side of myself I would appear to be a very confident person.

In time I would understand that was a facade, a show to fool people that I was not a vulnerable inadequate insecure person.

It was the help of healthy sponsors and honest sharing that I was to blossom and to grow.

I use to have great fears of talking to lots of people, this was very apparent before me giving a talk in some conferences.

Now I am easy talking to groups of people in recovery locations.

I use to fear that some one would ask me a question I could not answer, low and behold one day I was asked a question I was not sure of.

My response was to laugh and be honest about my ignorance.

As we all give up our addictions and obsessions and put time and energy in to our recovery that change comes with in us.

Step five helps us understand our fears of emotional intimacy.

Step five helps us open up more and more about our past experiences both healthy and unhealthy.

One of my biggest fears was step four, yet in time as I wrote down more , as I understood that step four is not about causing our self more pains or more fears, step four was identifying what was healthy and what was unhealthy about our past.

The reason I feared being honest from a very early age was because when ever I was honest about any thing I was punished and caused many pains including physical and emotional pains.
  
It was along time before I understood that my unhealthy reaction in anger was due to pains fear or frustrations.

Only once I understood my unhealthy reaction in anger I was able to heal my pains, face my fears and reduce the pains of my frustrations by reducing my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

By reducing my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, I stopped hurting myself and causing myself so many pains. 

As I grew matured healed in my recovery program, my fears reduced, my procrastinations reduced, my fears reduced, my anxiety reduced, my impatience and intolerance reduced, as my unhealthy reactions reduced,my healthy interactions 
improved.

For me change was slow and moving from rebellion reluctance to enthusiastic healthy motives took some time.

The recovery program was very slow baby steps to ope up more heal more and to get my ass in to gear.

There are talkers and there are walkers in the recovery program, I know that recovery is far more than quoting texts from books.

People learn from healthy examples.

The recovery program was a very slow healing and maturing program.

I was encouraged to go to the meetings, no matter when my last bet was, no matter if I had no money keep going to the meetings.

I use to think that paying back debts quickly was very important, then it was explained that paying back debts was a slow process.

Think that paying back debts quickly was not healthy, I put myself under pressure which not healthy for me.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham
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