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I use to feel guilty ashamed embarrassed of who I use to be

I use to feel guilty ashamed embarrassed because I felt that I could not help myself from being consumed by my addictions and my obsesssions.

I am a non religious person and questioned if I could become healthy and whole being a non religious person.

The reason I escaped to my addictions and my obsessions was because I lived in so many pains and fears of my past.

By me being consumed by my addictions and my obsessions was an indicator of how emotionally vunerable I was.

The pains of my past had caused so many fears in that I did not understand.

One unhealthy habit was to beat myself up.

I thought that I did not want or need to go to meetings yet over time I would identify it was very important for me to find a healthy life and make healthy choices.

When I procrastinate who do I cheat, myself, I understand that every thing I did and said in my past can not be changed.

Yet by attending meetings and share my therapies I would identify myself humbled to be equal to all people no matter when I had my last bet or said or did things unhealthy to myself and other people.

Just because from beginning I did not gamble did not mean I understood how unhealty I had become.

The therapies the sharing exposing more and more of myself made me less vulnerable and helped me see and feel myself in other peoples pains fears and frsutrations.

The reason I feared being honest was because as a chid when ever I was honesst I was punished for it in one way or another.

My impatience and intolerance indicated how hard I was on myself.

The recovery program would help me open up more and learn to trust more,  trust myself and trust other people.

The recovery program would help me heal my pains and feel my pains, it would also help me learn to love myself.

I was not able to be loved until I learned how to love myself.

I was going to learn to be more self sufficient to learn new skills.

I use to fear failing, so why try if I am going to fail, the recovery program would help me understand that to not try to do thing I was cheating myself.
My confidence my self esteem would come about my own healthy actions and my own healthy words.

I asked my wife once what was love, she smiled it was giving of your self unconditionally expecting nothing in return.

I spent most early part of my life with such high expectations that I was causing myself pain each time, the serenity prayer helps me understand that by reducing my expectations of people life and situations I would stop causing myself so much pain.

The serenity prayer helps me understand that the only person I can change is myself.

The serenity prayer helps me understand that I am not able to save other people if they are not willing to make changes in their own life.

Before my recovery I was so much in to blame escaping responsibility and not being accountable to myself.

I felt that there was nothing I could do or say  that would change my future.

The recovery program was only a manual to a healthy life, just reading text was not going to change my life.

I most certainly was a victim of many pains in my life which caused many fears in me that I did not understand.

I could have quite simply remained a victim and changed my life in any way.

For a victim is a person who has not healed from their past and they seek and feed on pity and sympathy.

Sadly the most empowering understanding si that victims remain victims because they are nto able to stand up for them selves.

To stop being the victim required me to speak up for myself from a place of peace.

Why is it that certain people remain victims most of they life, and sadly feel that they do not have any choices in their life.

In the last week there were two things I was going to work on I was not very confidence on getting the result I wanted.

Sadly those two things did not work out as I wanted, they remain broken, do I beat myself up, do I lose my confidence and self esteem.

I have put them to the side and will gain more knowledge and expereince and will try once more.

I do not like hearing my own voice as I feel that I sound more like a preacher.

There was a time when I could not or would not try to talk in large public areas of than in small meetings.

Then there was a lady who got me to do a talk at a conference, I thought it was going to be a living nightmare.

Not only did I do it but I aslo find that time went so quickly I could not believe it was over.

Do I demonstrate what recovery is all about.

Am I able to articulate my feelings and my emotions so that people know and understand at what level of emotional stablity I am at any one time.

And when I am emotionally vulnerable am I able to help them understand the feelings I am going through.

Being at peace with my father and my mother was very helpful for me, to not have fear of both parents was very empowering.

Am I able to heal my pains today, am I able to face my fears today, am I able to reduce my frustrations today, am I able to be more at peace with myself today.

Being a part of the recovery program I am able to extend myself even more day by day, to learn from my past and not live in it.

There was one person who at a meeting said that he was glad that he was a compulsive gambler, my first reaction was are you mad, the he explained that if it had not been for his addictions and obsessions and the recovery program he would never have found out how unhealthy he was.

As I grow and even some times mature the choices I have a increasing to a much healthier level of realtionship with myself.

No one in the world has to live with me, do I want to be ashamed of who I am today, or do I want to be proud of myself today.

I could not get healthy and heal my pains if I was not willing to change being in the recovery program.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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