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Pregnant and just discovered partners gambling
#1
Hi,
I am new to this site but sadly not new to this problem. I was in a relationship 2 years ago with a problem gambler and we were really in love but I ended up leaving him because of his gambling. I had to turn my whole life upside down, leave my job and home and move back to my parents house. Things got better, I got some counselling and met someone new. He seemed so different from my ex and I told him about what I'd been through and was actually coming to the end of my counselling when we met. He told me he had no interest in gambling and never had done. He came across as this really straight up, steady guy with a bit of a cheeky chappy personality. I completely fell for him and we've now been together for a year and a half and our first baby is due in august (I'm 29 weeks pregnant). We moved in together in March into a lovely home and everything was fine accept he started to say he was feeling low because of lockdown and work related stress etc. On Monday I got a call from our landlord saying our rent hadn't been paid for two months and we were in arrears. Everything is in his name so I confronted him but thought it must have been a mistake. He told me it was an error on the standing order but admitted that he knew it hadn't been paid but thought he would get away with it as they hadn't noticed and thought this might help him at after a bad month of comisssion during lockdown. I was really angry but he broke down and said that he has been hiding how low he is because I'm pregnant and brought up loads of stuff he'd never told me from his childhood and about the anxiety he hides. I felt sorry for him but I als still felt suspicious because of my past relationship so I asked him explicitly if it was to do with gambling and he said no. The next day (tues) I asked to see his accounts to check the rent had been paid and he made excuses. He previously told me he had 7 grand in savings for our baby so I asked him if he didn't want to show me because he didn't have savings and he admitted that he didnt. I asked again about gambling and he stared at the wall for ages and then finally said that he 'does have a bet sometimes'. I feel like my world shattered and I just knew how bad it was. Of course he broke down and it all came out about the debt, the lies, etc. 
The thing I can't get my head around is that he knew about my past, knew I'd been through all of this and didn't want it and knew how broken it had left me after my ex. But he lied and made me think he was the opposite and used my trust issues against me to hide in plain sight. He would say things like 'just because you've been treated badly before doesn't mean I'm like that' and 'I want to be your rock and look after you.' The most heartbreaking thing for me is that we are now having this baby and I feel like I've had no choice about who its dad is because he lied. I wanted so much better for the baby and he has robbed that from me and ruined my memories of my pregnancy. 
My choices now are to move back to my parents and go it alone with the baby or to take him back and try and support him to get help. He says he has self excluded and his dad has his bank cards. His dad has asked me if I will take financial control. He says he has looked up a meeting to go to. And he is very broken and sad himself which is also horrible to see but I am so angry at the same time. 
I don't know if this is something I have subconsciously chosen for myself again without realising but I feel so embarrassed and confused and hurt. I am supposed to start counselling next week again but it feels so far away. Do we have any chance of getting back the trust and having any kind of normal relationship again or am I better off cutting my losses and leaving him? 
Sorry for the long post I just didn't know what else to do and feel so lost and hopeless. 
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#2
Mairead93

Really sorry to hear what you've been going through.

Sure you've got a pretty good understanding of the negatives of gambling and sadly with your previous relationship maybe they weren't ready to stop?

What i can say with experience is that if a person is ready to commit to recovery and continues to put effort in, then there is hope, but i can't offer you easy platitudes. This addiction can kill and as you are experiencing does affect others in the gamblers life.

Most importantly for now though is i want to encourage you to look after yourself. Please consider the counselling - if only to give you a neutral perspective on this and to maybe offer possible ways forward.

You haven't mentioned so i'll ask, did you consider Gam-anon last time? (the sister organisation for GA)

Anyway feel free to reply if you wish and i'm sorry its taken me so long to reply. Wishing you the best.

In unity
Smartie xx
Meetings help, but meetings are only a small part to how GA works....

GA is a 12 step organisation that offers the program that keeps me in recovery...

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#3
Hey, hope your doing well.

I know that I am grateful to my wife for standing by me, when I've put her through the wheel of lies, several times during the last 20 years.
I also know that no matter what I had done, until I made up my mind to stop and get help to stay stopped, then I would make half promises and go back gambling at the earliest opportunity, it is easy to do that.

That said, without my wife I wouldn't be here, her strength and commitment to me attending the GA program, gives me such comfort. I now never want to let her, my parents, any of my group and most importantly myself down again.

If your partner has reached that stage, and he is ready to give up, then he's on the right path, but you have to make the choice to support him or not, and only you can make it.
There are support groups for families, Gam-anon has already been mentioned, but several of the wives of people in the group I go to find it very valuable.

Wish you all the best, trust yourself, you'll make the right decision.

All the best.
My last bet was 14th December 2017. I owe GA my life, for saving mine from misery and financial ruin.
Just for today, I will not gamble. And when I wake tomorrow, I will make that same promise to not gamble, just for today.
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