17-06-2020, 07:05 AM
Hi, my names Robert, and this is my story so far.
My wife and i sat down 9 days ago and she told me she wanted to leave, she wasnt happy, i didnt help her, we didnt do anything as a couple, she felt alienated and i was staying up late all the time so no passion or affection,
I sat and thought about the reasons, i spoke to friends, they all said it sounded like PND, but then as i laid bare my feelings to myself i wrote the reasons, i put them on paper, it dawned on me, that id pushed her away,
i had actively without thinking managed to make her feel like my addiction was her fault, money troubles was her because she got into debt. I made her emotionally vunerable.
What i thought about was my own addiction to gambling of which i never saw as an addiction before, there was no compulsion, no urge, i just.. habitually dif it.. i managed to build up alot of money, and squandered it, it consumes me.
I pray that she stays and forgives me, i am working to fix myself and by enlarge my marraige my love for her knows no bounds.
I admitted to myself on sunday
I admitted to my work monday
I saught help yesterday.
I told my wife last night: The wife and i sat down today, and we talked about us, i crumbled into myself when she said that welfare who she went to see today told her "your husband mentioned he may have a problem with gambling" I hadnt even had a chance to tell her myself, i didnt get the chance to sit down and take the lumps coming my way,
she came at me when i told her, with the most vicious set of words id ever heard in my life
"I dont believe anything you say"
I feel like a failure as a husband, as a father, i made her feel like shit for years because we had to borrow money because shed got herself into serious debt, shes now managing that debt and there was me.. sponging hundreds of pounds on online slots, i am dead inside, the pain she must feel has broken me in two, i told her i was truelly sorry, i told her i wouldnt gamble again, i told her that she and my kids would always come first from now on,
I have no idea how i am going to achieve that, but im sure as hell going to try,
My life has been a hell-go-round for about 3yrs because of what i was doing, she knew.. but she didnt know, she wondered but didnt know for sure, she lost all her respect for me today and i dont know what to do, i dont know how to feel, i resent myself i dont want to gamble i physically detest my phone pinging with yet another offer, i hate everything about myself and for her to say "i dont believe anything you say" that cut me deep, She said that she logged into my paypal whilst i was away, she saw my transactions the sheer amount of transactions,
she said shell never forget my face when i told her id won all that money, And she said if i had to leave the army then it would be ok because we had a deposit for a house,
"Had a deposit for a house"
thats how much id lost, id lost everything and its easy to say you cant lose what you never had but this is me now, battling an addiction, anxiety and trying to win my wife back, i dont know how to do it, i dont know how to even contemplate starting it but Gamstop is in place, i have my family as the willpower to succeed, i want to take them on holiday, i want to appreciate them, i want to hold my wife again and give her a cuddle and a kiss,
i want to cry everyday and use it as my strength to get through.
This is my day 5 of not gambling.
My family is my strength.
My family is my passion.
I will not fail them again
My wife and i sat down 9 days ago and she told me she wanted to leave, she wasnt happy, i didnt help her, we didnt do anything as a couple, she felt alienated and i was staying up late all the time so no passion or affection,
I sat and thought about the reasons, i spoke to friends, they all said it sounded like PND, but then as i laid bare my feelings to myself i wrote the reasons, i put them on paper, it dawned on me, that id pushed her away,
i had actively without thinking managed to make her feel like my addiction was her fault, money troubles was her because she got into debt. I made her emotionally vunerable.
What i thought about was my own addiction to gambling of which i never saw as an addiction before, there was no compulsion, no urge, i just.. habitually dif it.. i managed to build up alot of money, and squandered it, it consumes me.
I pray that she stays and forgives me, i am working to fix myself and by enlarge my marraige my love for her knows no bounds.
I admitted to myself on sunday
I admitted to my work monday
I saught help yesterday.
I told my wife last night: The wife and i sat down today, and we talked about us, i crumbled into myself when she said that welfare who she went to see today told her "your husband mentioned he may have a problem with gambling" I hadnt even had a chance to tell her myself, i didnt get the chance to sit down and take the lumps coming my way,
she came at me when i told her, with the most vicious set of words id ever heard in my life
"I dont believe anything you say"
I feel like a failure as a husband, as a father, i made her feel like shit for years because we had to borrow money because shed got herself into serious debt, shes now managing that debt and there was me.. sponging hundreds of pounds on online slots, i am dead inside, the pain she must feel has broken me in two, i told her i was truelly sorry, i told her i wouldnt gamble again, i told her that she and my kids would always come first from now on,
I have no idea how i am going to achieve that, but im sure as hell going to try,
My life has been a hell-go-round for about 3yrs because of what i was doing, she knew.. but she didnt know, she wondered but didnt know for sure, she lost all her respect for me today and i dont know what to do, i dont know how to feel, i resent myself i dont want to gamble i physically detest my phone pinging with yet another offer, i hate everything about myself and for her to say "i dont believe anything you say" that cut me deep, She said that she logged into my paypal whilst i was away, she saw my transactions the sheer amount of transactions,
she said shell never forget my face when i told her id won all that money, And she said if i had to leave the army then it would be ok because we had a deposit for a house,
"Had a deposit for a house"
thats how much id lost, id lost everything and its easy to say you cant lose what you never had but this is me now, battling an addiction, anxiety and trying to win my wife back, i dont know how to do it, i dont know how to even contemplate starting it but Gamstop is in place, i have my family as the willpower to succeed, i want to take them on holiday, i want to appreciate them, i want to hold my wife again and give her a cuddle and a kiss,
i want to cry everyday and use it as my strength to get through.
This is my day 5 of not gambling.
My family is my strength.
My family is my passion.
I will not fail them again