My life fell apart today.

[Robertbroom]

Hi, my names Robert, and this is my story so far. 

My wife and i sat down 9 days ago and she told me she wanted to leave, she wasnt happy, i didnt help her, we didnt do anything as a couple, she felt alienated and i was staying up late all the time so no passion or affection, 

I sat and thought about the reasons, i spoke to friends, they all said it sounded like PND, but then as i laid bare my feelings to myself i wrote the reasons, i put them on paper, it dawned on me, that id pushed her away, 
i had actively without thinking managed to make her feel like my addiction was her fault, money troubles was her because she got into debt. I made her emotionally vunerable. 

What i thought about was my own addiction to gambling of which i never saw as an addiction before, there was no compulsion, no urge, i just.. habitually dif it.. i managed to build up alot of money, and squandered it, it consumes me. 

I pray that she stays and forgives me, i am working to fix myself and by enlarge my marraige my love for her knows no bounds. 

I admitted to myself on sunday
 I admitted to my work monday 
I saught help yesterday. 

I told my wife last night: The wife and i sat down today, and we talked about us, i crumbled into myself when she said that welfare who she went to see today told her "your husband mentioned he may have a problem with gambling" I hadnt even had a chance to tell her myself, i didnt get the chance to sit down and take the lumps coming my way, 

she came at me when i told her, with the most vicious set of words id ever heard in my life 

"I dont believe anything you say" 

I feel like a failure as a husband, as a father, i made her feel like shit for years because we had to borrow money because shed got herself into serious debt, shes now managing that debt and there was me.. sponging hundreds of pounds on online slots, i am dead inside, the pain she must feel has broken me in two, i told her i was truelly sorry, i told her i wouldnt gamble again, i told her that she and my kids would always come first from now on, 

I have no idea how i am going to achieve that, but im sure as hell going to try, 
My life has been a hell-go-round for about 3yrs because of what i was doing, she knew.. but she didnt know, she wondered but didnt know for sure, she lost all her respect for me today and i dont know what to do, i dont know how to feel, i resent myself i dont want to gamble i physically detest my phone pinging with yet another offer, i hate everything about myself and for her to say "i dont believe anything you say" that cut me deep, She said that she logged into my paypal whilst i was away, she saw my transactions the sheer amount of transactions, 

she said shell never forget my face when i told her id won all that money, And she said if i had to leave the army then it would be ok because we had a deposit for a house, 

"Had a deposit for a house" 

thats how much id lost, id lost everything and its easy to say you cant lose what you never had but this is me now, battling an addiction, anxiety and trying to win my wife back, i dont know how to do it, i dont know how to even contemplate starting it but Gamstop is in place, i have my family as the willpower to succeed, i want to take them on holiday, i want to appreciate them, i want to hold my wife again and give her a cuddle and a kiss, 

i want to cry everyday and use it as my strength to get through. 

This is my day 5 of not gambling. 

My family is my strength. 
My family is my passion. 
I will not fail them again

[StrengthToStop]

wow. so raw and emotional. Thank you for posting.

Making the first step is often the hardest, and it's the one you have to do for yourself.
For sure, your family, friends etc can be motivating factors, but you have to do it for yourself, if you do, and you throw yourself into the program, then you will move past this current darkness.

100% honesty with your wife and immediate family is the path I took. For sure, they we hurt massively with what I told them, they still find it hard to understand, I don't suppose they ever will, but we are on the right path now. The GA program has helped me by signposting the way, and they are always there for guidance.

I absolutely recommend, that you get to a local GA meeting, and go to 2, 3 or more during your first few months as you work to lift the fog of gambling.

There are a number of recommendations, give up control of your banking arrangements, including your cards. Talk to her, and involve her in your recovery. The chances are it wont be easy, and you'll have to take a lot of knocks along the way. The pain we cause our partners is almost limitless, but time is a healer, and if she sees you making the effort then there is a chance and a hope that she will start to believe in you again.

for the debts, the members of GA have some great advice, and in your meetings they will help point the way. There is always a way to turn things around, a number of the guys in our group have used something call step change, and that has helped them hugely. But find out about all the options, and then work with your wife to make the best one for you.

Stay positive, stay resolved, this thing never fully goes away, but with commitment, the right tools in place, then staying clean is possible.

Welcome to GA, you can do this

All the best.

[gadaveuk]

Hi Robert

Sorry to hear that you and your wife are going through some very painful times.

I lived in fear and felt that I could not be honest with my wife.

Shirley had lost so much faith and hope in me and our marriage.

Shirley just wanted to know each day if I had gambled that day, she said it was not about the money but about the betrayal of our marriage.

I agreed and every day Shirley would ask me if I had gambled and then suddenly she stopped asking me every day.

I asked why she was not asking me each day if I had gambled, Shirley smiled said that she knew that I was not gambling..

I use to think that by winning money lost back would heal my pains and pains of people around me, that was not true.

Once I took my recovery seriously not only did I give up some very unhealthy habits but I became more motivated in getting things done I avoided doing.

Procrastination for me was fear based, lack of confidence, fear of failing or fear of failure.

The addictions consumed my thinking, addictions were very much fear based.

I had lost all faith and hope in myself.

I use to beat myself up every day.

Talking to a healthy sponsor will help people over come fear of emotional intimacy, a healthy sponsor will not bully or manipulate a person, a healthy sponsor will be nurturing and encouraging, a healthy sponsor will not take any responsibility for your new healthy skills.

Usually when meeting with people we will talk and listen for a couple of hours, it is very much a two way street.

A healthy sponsor will help people work things out in a clear thinking way, a healthy sponsor will help a person over come their fears.

No matter when my last bet was going to meeting would help me be more honest with myself.

One excuse I used was I let people down in the meetings, I did not want to face them, no I did not want to face myself.

I am a non religious person and have found comfort and motivation in the rooms which I am not willing to give up on today.

Today and my future is what is important.

I learn and heal from my past and do not live in it any more.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham