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What is Happiness for me today

Before I took my recovery seriously I did not know what Happiness was.

Some times my thinking was winning a bet or gambling was Happiness.

Some thing for nothing was Happiness, having some over another person was Happiness.

For me today Happiness is about being content with who I am today,  being content with who I am with today, being content with my home today, being content with what I have today.

For me serenity being able to identify those things I can change.

I am non religious and for me my spiritual values and my conscience tell me that I am a healthy person today.

To live in fear is not healthy for me today, to live in isolation and isolate myself is not healthy for me today.

The funny thing is that the more I learn the more sure of how ignorant I am today.

I am finding that my body is not able to keep up with what I want to do in my mind.

I do not fear emotional intimacy today.

I do not fear gambling establishments today.

I do not fear unhealthy people today.

I do not fear trying doing some thing that is very testing for me today.

I do not fear being committed to myself and write down my needs my wants and my goals today.

I understand it is not healthy for me to remain static and to procrastinate in getting things done in my life today.

Recently I did much more entries in to holiday sheets spread sheet.

I did not fully understand or appreciate what a healthy life I had after giving up to my addictions and my obsessions.

When I took inventory both financial and emotionally of my life and the damage I was doing to myself and other people.

What surprised me was that if I only spent £xx a day on my gambling for a year that cost to me was over £xx  every year and over 20 years that was a huge amount.

If I only spent £xx a day on my smoking for a year that cost to me was over £xx every year and over 20 years that was another huge amount of money.

If I only spent £xx a day on my drinking for a year that cost to me was over £xx every year and over 20 years that was another huge amount of money.

But by taking all that money was a complete waste of time and energy, the more serious aspect was the damage I was doing to myself and the damage I was doing to other people close to me.

Feeling guilty and ashamed did not change who I was, nothing healthy was achieved by me beating myself up time and time again.

The recovery program helped me understand how much pain I had not healed in my life and how bitter and twisted I was.

All the time I was focusing on other people I was looking in to myself.

My anger indicated how much pain the hurt inner child had not healed with in me.

I use to be angry all of the time, I thought that rage resentments were quite normal.

I found that my sub conscious level will often work on challenges I need to resolve, designing things, getting set out in my head, resolving problems, making some new or make a device that helps me get certain things done.

It was strange that often after a nights sleep things I was thinking of the day before resolve seemed to have come about during my sleep time.

So the more relaxed I am the more stable I feel in myself.

Because of the trauma in my child hood my inner child had not matured in a healthy emotional age.

My physical age and emotional age were not the same.

Because of the trauma in my life I was not able to articulate my feelings and my emotions in a healthy non threatening way.

Once I gave up to the fact my money was lost and no longer coming back to me life got a lot easier.

Life is not a race today, life for me is not risk taking.

The most important things in my life today is about healthy relationships and interactions with other people, time is very precious, at the end of each day I ask myself was I productive and did I get things done in a healthy way.

So am I content with who I am today, content with who I am with today, content with my home today, content with what I have today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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