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Due to my addiction I use to question if I was evil stupid dumb or just no good

Sadly over time I had lost all faith and hope in myself, I use to think that I was wrong or just no good.

In the recovery program I would understand that I was just emotionally vulnerable.

That when I could not cope emotionally I would escape to my addictions and obsessions.

I did not understand I was just emotionally vulnerable.

I found that the buzz or highs were times that I thought I was happy, not so, those highs were adrenaline based.

In the recovery program it was not healthy for me to talk about being in action or in action of the gambling past.

In time being in the recovery program I was able to give therapies and in doing so it was a kind of honesty of exposing how vulnerable I use to be.

There in doubt in mind today that earlier in my life I was a victim of different kinds of abuse.

Yet in time I would understand that I was a survivor even though I did not feel that way.

Just for today I will not gamble the very first thing I needed to do.

I did not understand that if I did not gamble I did not make things worse than they were.

Today I understand that my addictions and obsessions were a kid of self abuse.

Not only did I hurt myself I also hurt people around me.

Being a non religious person I questioned if I could find a healthy life with out my addictions and obsessions.

Understanding that by attending meetings I was not alone, I could talk about any thing and feel more at ease with myself.

Over time those therapies exposed the pains which were not healed.

Being committed to my recovery had healthy consequences.

I lived in less fear, I started to feel an equal to all people, I started to give up other unhealthy habits.

I had so much faith and hope in myself I would make important decisions by tossing a coin.

Before my recovery I had lost the ability to articulate my feelings and my emotions.

In the recovery program I would write down my needs, my wants and start to write down very healthy goals.

By talking to like minded people in the recovery program was important part of my recovery.

I use to resent mondays, I use to wish the week days away.

I use to run my car on petrol fumes.

I felt I could not achieve any thing healthy.

I use to think that the only way I would be successful was due to luck.

I use to resent successful people, I use to be a tailgater, I use to be so  wound up like a clock spring.

In time I understood that my physical age and emotional age were not the same.

Sadly due to trauma in my life it adversely affected my ability to absorb information and ability to learn and listen to good advice.

I even use to think that good advice was people trying to control an regulate me.

There were times that I felt so low with in myself it felt so painful and I felt so lost with in myself.

My reasons for escaping were very much fear based, and over time by attending meetings my fears reduced and my trust grew.

I use to justify lying most of the time, I questioned why I could not be honest.

Then I got it as a child when ever I was honest I was punished for being honest, so I associated honesty as being painful one way or another.

The healthy people in the recovery program will be nurturing and encouraging to new members, healthy people will give a two way street interaction, they will in effect help other people to have close relationships not sexual.

The healthy people in the recovery program will help people open up and make much healthier choices in their life.

The recovery program was going to help me make healthier choices in every avenue of my life.

The recovery program was going to help me help myself.

I use to spend most of my life before my recovery reacting in anger one way or another, I was going to ask myself was it healthy being angry most of the time.

Then one day I understood that my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains not healed, my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my fears not faced, that my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

People often ask me if I have not gambled in some time why go to meetings.

The addictions and the obsessions were only indicators that I was emotional vulnerable.

My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated how unhealthy I was.

I did karate for two years, sadly it took me two years to understand that I feared aggression and confrontation.

Where do this fear of aggression and confrontation come from, It was the aggression and confrontation that my parents use to lash out on each other.

Sadly when people are angry there are unable to interact in healthy ways.

The rage and lashing out indicated that my hurt inner child had not healed from the pains of my past.

The meaning of word recovery for me is healing, sadly I could only heal once I admitted to myself that I was in pain and it was not healing.

I enjoy being a healthy person today.

I have more to offer myself and other people.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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