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Due to my addiction I use to question if I was evil stupid dumb or just no good
#1
Hi

Sadly over time I had lost all faith and hope in myself, I use to think that I was wrong or just no good.

In the recovery program I would understand that I was just emotionally vulnerable.

That when I could not cope emotionally I would escape to my addictions and obsessions.

I did not understand I was just emotionally vulnerable.

I found that the buzz or highs were times that I thought I was happy, not so, those highs were adrenaline based.

In the recovery program it was not healthy for me to talk about being in action or in action of the gambling past.

In time being in the recovery program I was able to give therapies and in doing so it was a kind of honesty of exposing how vulnerable I use to be.

There in doubt in mind today that earlier in my life I was a victim of different kinds of abuse.

Yet in time I would understand that I was a survivor even though I did not feel that way.

Just for today I will not gamble the very first thing I needed to do.

I did not understand that if I did not gamble I did not make things worse than they were.

Today I understand that my addictions and obsessions were a kid of self abuse.

Not only did I hurt myself I also hurt people around me.

Being a non religious person I questioned if I could find a healthy life with out my addictions and obsessions.

Understanding that by attending meetings I was not alone, I could talk about any thing and feel more at ease with myself.

Over time those therapies exposed the pains which were not healed.

Being committed to my recovery had healthy consequences.

I lived in less fear, I started to feel an equal to all people, I started to give up other unhealthy habits.

I had so much faith and hope in myself I would make important decisions by tossing a coin.

Before my recovery I had lost the ability to articulate my feelings and my emotions.

In the recovery program I would write down my needs, my wants and start to write down very healthy goals.

By talking to like minded people in the recovery program was important part of my recovery.

I use to resent mondays, I use to wish the week days away.

I use to run my car on petrol fumes.

I felt I could not achieve any thing healthy.

I use to think that the only way I would be successful was due to luck.

I use to resent successful people, I use to be a tailgater, I use to be so  wound up like a clock spring.

In time I understood that my physical age and emotional age were not the same.

Sadly due to trauma in my life it adversely affected my ability to absorb information and ability to learn and listen to good advice.

I even use to think that good advice was people trying to control an regulate me.

There were times that I felt so low with in myself it felt so painful and I felt so lost with in myself.

My reasons for escaping were very much fear based, and over time by attending meetings my fears reduced and my trust grew.

I use to justify lying most of the time, I questioned why I could not be honest.

Then I got it as a child when ever I was honest I was punished for being honest, so I associated honesty as being painful one way or another.

The healthy people in the recovery program will be nurturing and encouraging to new members, healthy people will give a two way street interaction, they will in effect help other people to have close relationships not sexual.

The healthy people in the recovery program will help people open up and make much healthier choices in their life.

The recovery program was going to help me make healthier choices in every avenue of my life.

The recovery program was going to help me help myself.

I use to spend most of my life before my recovery reacting in anger one way or another, I was going to ask myself was it healthy being angry most of the time.

Then one day I understood that my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains not healed, my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my fears not faced, that my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

People often ask me if I have not gambled in some time why go to meetings.

The addictions and the obsessions were only indicators that I was emotional vulnerable.

My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated how unhealthy I was.

I did karate for two years, sadly it took me two years to understand that I feared aggression and confrontation.

Where do this fear of aggression and confrontation come from, It was the aggression and confrontation that my parents use to lash out on each other.

Sadly when people are angry there are unable to interact in healthy ways.

The rage and lashing out indicated that my hurt inner child had not healed from the pains of my past.

The meaning of word recovery for me is healing, sadly I could only heal once I admitted to myself that I was in pain and it was not healing.

I enjoy being a healthy person today.

I have more to offer myself and other people.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham
Reply
#2
(18-07-2020, 11:21 AM)gadaveuk Wrote: Hi

I have learned to live one day at a time.

I use to rush and speed at most things.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham


Hi

Sadly over time I had lost all faith and hope in myself, I use to think that I was wrong or just no good.

In the recovery program I would understand that I was just emotionally vulnerable.

That when I could not cope emotionally I would escape to my addictions and obsessions.

I did not understand I was just emotionally vulnerable.

I found that the buzz or highs were times that I thought I was happy, not so, those highs were adrenaline based.

In the recovery program it was not healthy for me to talk about being in action or in action of the gambling past.

In time being in the recovery program I was able to give therapies and in doing so it was a kind of honesty of exposing how vulnerable I use to be.

There in doubt in mind today that earlier in my life I was a victim of different kinds of abuse.

Yet in time I would understand that I was a survivor even though I did not feel that way.

Just for today I will not gamble the very first thing I needed to do.

I did not understand that if I did not gamble I did not make things worse than they were.

Today I understand that my addictions and obsessions were a kid of self abuse.

Not only did I hurt myself I also hurt people around me.

Being a non religious person I questioned if I could find a healthy life with out my addictions and obsessions.

Understanding that by attending meetings I was not alone, I could talk about any thing and feel more at ease with myself.

Over time those therapies exposed the pains which were not healed.

Being committed to my recovery had healthy consequences.

I lived in less fear, I started to feel an equal to all people, I started to give up other unhealthy habits.

I had so much faith and hope in myself I would make important decisions by tossing a coin.

Before my recovery I had lost the ability to articulate my feelings and my emotions.

In the recovery program I would write down my needs, my wants and start to write down very healthy goals.

By talking to like minded people in the recovery program was important part of my recovery.

I use to resent mondays, I use to wish the week days away.

I use to run my car on petrol fumes.

I felt I could not achieve any thing healthy.

I use to think that the only way I would be successful was due to luck.

I use to resent successful people, I use to be a tailgater, I use to be so  wound up like a clock spring.

In time I understood that my physical age and emotional age were not the same.

Sadly due to trauma in my life it adversely affected my ability to absorb information and ability to learn and listen to good advice.

I even use to think that good advice was people trying to control an regulate me.

There were times that I felt so low with in myself it felt so painful and I felt so lost with in myself.

My reasons for escaping were very much fear based, and over time by attending meetings my fears reduced and my trust grew.

I use to justify lying most of the time, I questioned why I could not be honest.

Then I got it as a child when ever I was honest I was punished for being honest, so I associated honesty as being painful one way or another.

The healthy people in the recovery program will be nurturing and encouraging to new members, healthy people will give a two way street interaction, they will in effect help other people to have close relationships not sexual.

The healthy people in the recovery program will help people open up and make much healthier choices in their life.

The recovery program was going to help me make healthier choices in every avenue of my life.

The recovery program was going to help me help myself.

I use to spend most of my life before my recovery reacting in anger one way or another, I was going to ask myself was it healthy being angry most of the time.

Then one day I understood that my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains not healed, my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my fears not faced, that my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

People often ask me if I have not gambled in some time why go to meetings.

The addictions and the obsessions were only indicators that I was emotional vulnerable.

My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated how unhealthy I was.

I did karate for two years, sadly it took me two years to understand that I feared aggression and confrontation.

Where do this fear of aggression and confrontation come from, It was the aggression and confrontation that my parents use to lash out on each other.

Sadly when people are angry there are unable to interact in healthy ways.

The rage and lashing out indicated that my hurt inner child had not healed from the pains of my past.

The meaning of word recovery for me is healing, sadly I could only heal once I admitted to myself that I was in pain and it was not healing.

I enjoy being a healthy person today.

I have more to offer myself and other people.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham
Reply
#3
(18-07-2020, 11:21 AM)gadaveuk Wrote: Hi

Sadly over time I had lost all faith and hope in myself, I use to think that I was wrong or just no good.

In the recovery program I would understand that I was just emotionally vulnerable.

That when I could not cope emotionally I would escape to my addictions and obsessions.

I did not understand I was just emotionally vulnerable.

I found that the buzz or highs were times that I thought I was happy, not so, those highs were adrenaline based.

In the recovery program it was not healthy for me to talk about being in action or in action of the gambling past.

In time being in the recovery program I was able to give therapies and in doing so it was a kind of honesty of exposing how vulnerable I use to be.

There in doubt in mind today that earlier in my life I was a victim of different kinds of abuse.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi

Sadly over time I had lost all faith and hope in myself, I use to think that I was wrong or just no good.

Over time my faith and hope in myself were going to be a slow process to reverse, some times even slipping back, but best not to beat myself up but to learn from my unhealthy reactions.


In the recovery program I would understand that I was just emotionally vulnerable.

In my recovery and my healing in the program fears reduces from 10 out of 10 to single double digits.


In my unhealthy past when I could not cope emotionally I would escape to my addictions and obsessions.

I did not understand I was just emotionally vulnerable.

The recovery program would help heal the hurt inner child in me.



I found that the buzz or adrenaline highs were times that I thought I was happy, not so, those highs were adrenaline based.

These were very much fear based fears I would not admit to myself.



In the recovery program it was not healthy for me to talk about being in action or in action of the gambling past.

In time being in the recovery program I was able to give therapies and in doing so it was a kind of honesty of exposing how vulnerable I use to be.

But more importantly how vulnerable I was that day.


There in doubt in mind today that earlier in my life I was a victim of different kinds of abuse.

Yet in time I would learn that a victim is s person who is unable to set healthy boundaries from a place of peace.


Yet in time I would understand that I was a survivor even though I did not feel that way.

I understood that I had survived so many kinds of abuse there was nothing any one could do to me that had not already been done to me.



Just for today I will not gamble the very first thing I needed to do.

Just for today I will not gamble or be an unhealthy person is a healthy boundary for me.



I did not understand that if I did not gamble I did not make things worse than they were.

I prefer to make relationships and thing heathier in my life today.


Today I understand that my addictions and obsessions were a kid of self abuse.

My addictions and obsessions stopped me from learning from my painful past.


Not only did I hurt myself I also hurt people around me.

Being a non religious person I questioned if I could find a healthy life with out my addictions and obsessions.

I understand that my conscience is based up on non religion spiritual values in my life today.


Understanding that by attending meetings I was not alone, I could talk about any thing and feel more at ease with myself.

To stop being the loner and lost in my pains.



Over time those therapies exposed the hidden pains and trauma which were not healed.




Being committed to my recovery had healthy consequences.

I lived in less fear, I started to feel an equal to all people, I started to give up other unhealthy habits.

I had so much faith and hope in myself I would not make important decisions by tossing a coin.



Before my recovery I had lost the ability to articulate my feelings and my emotions.

In the recovery program I would write down my needs, my wants and start to write down very healthy goals.

This means reducing my fears and having growing commitments to myself.



By talking to like minded people in the recovery program was important part of my recovery.

The recovery program often raised more questions than answers.



I use to think that the only way I would be successful was due to luck.

The healthy people in the recovery program often helped me understand that I could achieve so much more healthy things with my life.



In time in my recovery I understood that my physical age and emotional age were not the same.

The hurt inner child was so emotionally traumatized he was unable to grow emotionally in a healthy way and was unable to understand or absorb the education given to me.

At fifteen years of age I left school with no qualifications what so ever. ZERO.


Sadly due to trauma in my life it adversely affected my ability to absorb information and ability to learn and listen to good advice.

I even use to think that good advice was people trying to control an regulate me.

There were times that I felt so low with in myself it felt so painful and I felt so lost with in myself.

My reasons for escaping were very much fear based, and over time by attending meetings my fears reduced and my trust grew.



I use to justify lying most of the time, I questioned why I could not be honest.

Then I got it as a child when ever I was honest I was punished for being honest, so I associated honesty as being painful one way or another.

The healthy people in the recovery program will be nurturing and encouraging to new members, healthy people will give a two way street interaction, they will in effect help other people to have close relationships not sexual.

The healthy people in the recovery program will help people open up and make much healthier choices in their life.

The healthy people in the recovery program was going to help me make healthier choices in every avenue of my life.

The recovery program was going to help me help myself.

I use to spend most of my life before my recovery reacting in anger one way or another, I was going to ask myself was it healthy being angry most of the time.

Then one day I understood that my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains not healed, my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my fears not faced, that my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

People often ask me if I have not gambled in some time why go to meetings.

The addictions and the obsessions were only indicators that I was emotional vulnerable.

My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated how unhealthy I was.

I did karate for two years, sadly it took me two years to understand that I feared aggression and confrontation.

Where do this fear of aggression and confrontation come from, It was the aggression and confrontation that my parents use to lash out on each other.

Sadly when people are angry there are unable to interact in healthy ways.



The rage and lashing out indicated that my hurt inner child had not healed from the pains of my past.

The meaning of word recovery for me is healing, sadly I could only heal once I admitted to myself that I was in pain and it was not healing.

I enjoy being a healthy person today.

I have more to offer myself and other people.

The most important things in my life today are close healthy relationships and time.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham
Reply
#4
(24-12-2021, 07:17 AM)gadaveuk Wrote: I enjoy being a healthy person today.

I have more to offer myself and other people.

The most important things in my life today are close healthy relationships and time.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi

I like many other people walked in to the recovery feeling lost inadequate insecure inept and felt like the addiction controlled my thinking and any logic I had in my head.

I reacted in a very unhealthy way to the mention of religion of God, sadly in my child hood there were many adults who were hypocrites and often caused me many pains.

The promises I made to myself and other people had no value what, I did not have commitments to myself or other people, I did most things either being obsessive or doing things for every one else but not for myself.

I separated myself from so many people including many people in the recovery program. 

It was in my mind that the recovery program would stop me gambling, that was not so, that  could do recovery in a rush, not so, that another person would stop me gambling, not so.

Then the thinking that my addiction brought me happiness, that when I gambled I was being successful, that money would bring me happiness, that a big win would heal all the people I had hurt including myself.

Money that I won would heal my hurt inner child, that having lots of money would stop me from gambling once more.

For me the bigger the risk the bigger the buzz, can one argue that the adrenaline rush was a high of happiness, that nothing in my life made me feel so alive.

So at what point would I go to meetings for myself, to say to myself I was being unhealthy and that I needed to help myself become a healthier person before I destroyed every one around me.

There is no doubt that the trauma that was caused up on me  in my child hood inhibited me from maturing to adult hood in a healthy way.

For me the addictions and obsessions were unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.

Being in the recovery program it was very rare for people to stop gambling from day in the recovery program, it has taken me 51 years to get to the level of my recovery, and sadly I have been clean 29 years so how come take so long to become as healthy and whole as I am today.

It was important to understand my emotional triggers, for me pains not healed, fears not being faced, frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, my fears of emotional intimacy and boredom.

It was very important for me to keep going to meetings, in all honesty walking in to the meetings was hard for me, sadly the only person I was facing was myself.

I use to read most body language as being unhealthy towards me, when I told people that I had gambled once again, their sighs their pains on their face were not disappointment in me, often were only feeling my pains and were suffering with me  because it reminded people of their own pains.

I see the recovery as people who demonstrate how to do things in a healthy safety way, very much like mountain climbers tied together with rope of safety, which was for me them demonstrating how they use to do thing and now they take much healthier safer ways in getting things done in their own life.

At the beginning I wanted to be like the bull in the china shop. Then over time was able to think things out more clearly, each I went back to gambling I very simple made thigs much worse.

When in action I thought I was being clever, not so I was destroying myself time and time again and hurting the very people that loved me.

My days are busy even with out side temperatures at -27Celcius in the last few days, yet we think here that -7C its getting warmer, we have been here when it was -40 Celsius, only for one day thank goodness. 

I use to hear people say that they did not have enough hours in the day, I am more productive in my recovery than when I was working.

I had lost much faith and confidence that on one day I was willing to tear up the envelope which had my exam results in it, Shirley my wife pleaded and begged with me to not tear it up.

Well I listened to her and found out that I had passed my tests and got papers to show that fact, yet how low do you go, how far do you need to torment and cause your self pain after pain and feeling you do to have any healthy choices.

Recovery works if you seriously work with it, it is not  a lonely game if you share your self with like minded healthy people.

How much do I value myself today.

How much time and effort do I put in to being a healthy person to be more productive and self sufficient.
 

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham
Reply


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