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Just for today I choose not to gamble and become a healthier person

My addictions and my obsessions only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

My addictions and my obsessions indicated that I was not able  to cope with people life and every day situations.

I was a risk taker, I felt that peoples advice to me was the fact they were trying to control my life.

The recovery program was about healing the hurt inner child in me.

Because of trauma in my life I would bury and suppress my feelings and my emotions.

Because of the adrenaline highs when I was in action I got to believe that I was only happy while in action.

I even got to think that I loved gambling, that every thing in my life was boring.

I did not value myself, hence I could not truly value other people.

I see the recovery program is very much like mountain climbers tied together which each lesson learned about myself and how to live my life with out unhealthy risk taking.

I use to be such an impatient person I wanted my recovery to be quick an fast.

The recovery program was a slow healing process, to stop reacting in such unhealthy ways and learn to interact with other people in healthy ways.

The pains in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand.
Fear of being honest, fear of failing, fear of betrayal, fear of humiliation, fear of the opposite sex, fear of being criticized,  fear of being found out, fear of being myself, fear of being accountable, fear of being let down, fear of my own ignorance.

Due to the trauma in my child hood, I found it very difficult to learn, if I did not understand some thing I could not take it in.

I left school with no qualifications what so ever, not mathematics, not English, none at all.

In time I went to meetings for myself, you could say that I was very selfish about my recovery, I have been attending recovery meetings for over 50 years now.

I have seen over 11 counsellors.

If I only attended one meeting per week over 50 years that would be over 2,500 meetings and what did I learn in those meetings.

That the addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.

That with out recovery program and with out my addictions and obsessions I would never have found out how unhealthy I was.

Every person that walks in to the recovery I want them to succeed as much as I have.

It took a long time to not focus on the addictions and obsessions to let go of the time and money lost, to surrender to the fact that every time I went to my addictions and obsessions I was hurting myself.

That the recovery program would help me set goals, to achieve more with my time and energy.

I use to see and meet with some very rich people in one of my jobs.

One day at a rich persons house I asked if he was content with having such wealth.

He asked me if I thought that money made him feel successful, that did I think that his goal in life was money orientated.

I said yes, he laughed and explained that money was never his goal, that being successful in the things he did was his goal.

By him being successful in what he did gave him more funds, then I understood that my goals in life were to be successful I just did not know how to be successful with out being obsessive.

Then once we achieve some thing to reward our self with a gift of some sort.

Could I compliment myself while in being in unhealthy action gambling, did I think that getting some thing for nothing was me being successful.

That if I could get some one to do some thing for me was being successful.

In time I would not only question every thing before my recovery yet I found it hard to believe that recovery would ever work for me.

I needed to learn to not live in fear and self doubt.

I was very hard on myself, I could not see or feel any good in me.

I felt that every lie I told meant I was a bad person,  I felt that I could not understand where my anger came from.

I had been a suppressive aggressive, also an expressive aggressive, I use to think I could not help myself being so angry.

I use to think that I wanted justice in my life, then found out it was not justice I wanted but vengeance, I wanted to transfer all my pains fears and frustrations on to other people.

Then in my recovery I would learn and understand that anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains my fears and my frustrations.

How could I heal that rage from my hurting inner child.

I found out that I needed to stop beating up on myself, I needed to stop undermining myself, I needed to stop seeing only failure in my life and in my actions.

Each time I went back to my addictions and my obsessions I needed to understand which emotional trigger caused me to want to escape people life and situation.

Before my recovery I was angry and reacting in such unhealthy ways.

I did not know or understand how bent and twisted my thinking was, I did not understand how unhealthy I was.

Did I need to know or understand where my pains came from, did I need to know or understand which pain caused fears with in me.

Came I face my fears with out knowing which pain caused them.

When ever I heard or saw a child which was screaming in a mall because they felt abandoned by their parents.

In that scream I felt my own pains of my inner abandoned child in my youth.

I was emotionally vulnerable long before my teen age years.

I tried to take my own life as a teenager, I even blanked out the whole event from my memory.

The secret was that suicide was buried and suppressed, only when I ready for it would those memories come out, not only the location, not only the pains but the smells would come out also of the place I was staying.

The nurturing and love that was missing from my life was going to come from myself.

Only once I was able to learn to love myself only then I could love other people.

Only once I was able to learn to trust myself only then I could trust other people.

Only once I was able to learn to be patient with myself only then I could be patient with other people.

Every thing I wanted from other people I needed to learn to give to myself first of all.

Self sufficiency become a way of life for me today, understanding my wants my needs and my goals.

My emotional age and physical age gap is reducing.

The serenity prayer has nothing to do about religion to me today.

I understand that I am not able to change another person in any way today.

How ever I understand that I am able to understand my unhealthy reactions towards unhealthy people today.

I understand that I was a victim along period of time in my life.

To stop being a victim I needed to get a voice and speak out for myself in healthy peaceful ways.

The rage in me has been drastically put to rest.

As my hurt inner child heals the world opens up to me and my relationships improve.

As I heal and I have empathy for my hurt inner child I am able to have empathy for people in my life today.

I do know that I am not religious person yet I am more of spiritual person today.

I am a more spiritual person non religious today and I embrace my conscience and awareness with every one today. 

Any non religious person can find a healing process if they truly want it.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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