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Just some of my fears which were emotional triggers for me

Today I understand each of my fears were a consequence of my pains from the past.

Is it possible to face my fears with out understanding the pains that caused those fears, yes for sure.

My fears are listed which are fears of failure, fears of being honest, fears of humiliation, fears of rejection, fears of abandonment, fears of emotional intimacy, fears of the opposite sex, fears of aggression and abandonment, fears of trusting people, fears of showing how emotionally vulnerable I am, fears of showing the real me, fears of being controlled, fears of being manipulated, fears of feeling my emotions and feelings, fears of being complimented of given any kind of credit, fears of heights, fears of the dentist, fears of the tax time paperwork, fears of Christmas, fears of letting other people down, fears of commitment, fears of making things worse, fears of tomorrow, fears of aggression and confrontation, 

Now the level of my fears determined if I go in to panic mode very quickly, once I panic I am unable to things out clearly and in an orderly way.

My fears of being honest was due to the fact that when I was honest as a child I was punished for it, in the rooms of my recovery I was honest and there was no pains, the more honest I got the less fears I had.

I use to think that fears of being honest due to my unhealthy actions and unhealthy words that people would leave me and abandon me.

This fear of rejection and fears of abandonment would cause me to lie even more and even escape facing people and myself.

Sadly this fear in me would cause a huge build up of adrenaline in me that I use to think was happiness and excitement.

The adrenaline rush of risk taking use to cause me to think that healthy life was boring and slow.

In the recovery program I would start to to give up the unhealthy risk taking, speeding and rushing about, by living at high pace I was not able to enjoy the moment.

How could I have fears of aggression and confrontation yet I was often the cause of aggression and confrontation.

Was the aggression and confrontation the result of my own internal conflict with in myself, was I always fighting myself.

I know that when I was hard on other people it only indicated how hard I was on myself.

So today I understand that I am a survivor I have survived all kinds of abuse and pain.

Yet the question is how do we heal our hurt inner child we have buried and suppressed for so long.

Once I moved from talking about money lost or how bad I was on to talking about emotional resolve.

The honest therapy exposes how emotionally vulnerable I was.

The rage that came out of me indicated that the hurt inner child was not healed.

Being in my addictions and my obsessions was a form of escape from people life and situations I could not cope with.

The my addictions and my obsessions was the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable, I was not an evil person, I was not a bad person.

In time I gave up making false promises, I would become more motivated in my thinking and in my actions.

Sadly I did not know that all the time and energy I use to put in to my addictions and my obsessions needed to be put in to my recovery.

On entering was I there for myself, was I there to commit myself to writing things down, was I committed to myself and to over come my procrastination of putting every thing off being done.

The way we change how we feel about our self and how much we value our self is related to exchanging unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

To be open and accountable to our self, to embrace healthy interactions with like minded people.

There is no point in having a manual if you are not willing to use it and put it in to practice.

I could not love other people until I loved myself.

I could not trust other people until I trust myself.

I could not respect other people until I respected myself.

I could not heal my pains if I was not willing to acknowledge my pains.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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