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Steps in my recovery were slow yet simple and self rewarding

I did not go to meetings for myself.

There was implications that I was a selfish person, that was not quite correct.

I was how ever self destructive not the same thing.

The longer time I was being consumed by my addictions and my obsessions the harder for me to become healthier and to heal.

There was implications that I was only going to get healthy through religion, that was not correct.

My implications to myself was that I was angry at the casinos and the staff that worked there.

Sadly they did not make me do any thing that I did not want to do.

The truth was I was angry at myself.

Some people might think that abstaining is recovery, for me by abstaining only then could my recovery even start.

I see and view therapies and recovery is very simular to mountain climbing.

That at the beginning of my recovery I needed to learn from other people healthy skills.

In my addictions and in my obsessions I was escaping from people life and situations I could not cope with.

From other people healthy skills I was going to understand what is healthy and what is unhealthy.

Rushing through life was not very healthy.

Speeding and taking risks was not very healthy.

For me being angry was not very healthy.

For me being angry indicates there are pains in me that are not healed.

For me being angry indicates that my fears in me are not being faced.

For me being angry indicates that my frustrations in me are due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I am truly hurting myself.

Before my recovery I use to react in such unhealthy ways.

Today in taking my recovery seriously I am able to interact in such unhealthy ways.

My emotional triggers were my pains my fears my frustrations my loneliness and my boredom.

Before my recovery I use to be an expressive aggressive yet also I could be a suppressive aggressive.

One counsellor had me beat a cushion with a tennis racket, sounds very weird I know yet while I was hitting that cushion I was laughing out loud. Weird.

I did karate for two years to find out that I feared aggression and confrontation, where did that come from, the anger my parents had with in each of them.

The question is can I be a healthy loving person if I have with in myself so much pent up anger and rage.

The question is could I be a loving person being so unhealthy and reacting in such unhealthy ways.

When people hear laughter in the rooms the question is are we laughing together, or are we laughing at our self, am I laughing with others.

The question can a person help heal from laughter from with in.

If we truly heal the suppressed memories come out over time.

One time after session of counselling I was slow thinking and slow  response times sluggish for even days.

The importance of my recovery is to stick with it.

One person in giving a therapy said that he was glad that he was an addict.

Oh boy what a shock how could that be, he explained that by being in therapy he learned how unhealthy he was.

There was no way I could admit that I was being unhealthy with out recovery counselling and self motivations.

What are my needs today, what are my needs today, and what are my goals today?

Often meetings will cause more questions than answers, I have seen people still talking after two hours after recovery meeting out side.

Just because I have been in my recovery over fifty years certainly does not mean I have all the answers.

Giving up my finances was very hard for me, it was very much fear based, it was very much control based, I use to thin as I was the money earner what I said goes, how insecure was that.

I use to pay for my wives things, then one day I asked her to buy things for her self.

Was I manipulating her, not at all, I wanted her to treat her self to reward her self.

To reach a point where Shirley my wife no longer needs to feel guilty about any thing what so ever.

I understand that if Shirley my is still living in fear it could be due to me.

To be healthy I needed to be able to be able to articulate myself towards others with our any aggression or confrontation what so ever.

For a person to no longer be the victim they need to learn to articulate and speak out for them self in healthy non threating ways.

The victim needs to speak up from a place of peace with in them self.

Perpetrators only pick on people who are unable to speak out for them self.

How much time and energy am I worth today.

How healthy do I want to be today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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