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For me procrastination was very hard to understand and hard to change

How many emotions and feelings caused me to procrastinate and deviate from getting things done.

For me procrastination was very much fear based, fear of failure, fear of being shown up, fear of rejection and abandonment, fear of criticism, fear of being found out.

For me procrastination was very much low self esteem, low self worth, low self confidence, feeling inept and inadequate, my inability not being able to learn from previous mistakes.

Before my recovery I use to think that I was a failure and incomplete person.

Due to very painful put downs bullying and very cruel criticism I use to have unhealthy people put me down all of the time.

That I would not become any thing with my life.

That I had no value and always get things wrong.

What I did not understand was that people put me down because they were so filled with so many pains fears and frsutrations, they were dumping on to me their pains fears and frustrations on to me.

It was advised to me not to talk to unhealthy people about my needs my wants or my goals, because they would try and put me off from achieving any thing healthy with my life.

Sadly even in the rooms of recovery I have some people dump on to trying hard to succeed new challenges in their life.

In my recovery I did not know how to achieve new healthy goals in my life.

When I walked in to the recovery program I did not know or understand that my emotional age and physical age did not match up.

When I walked in to the recovery program I did not know or understand that I found it difficult to absorb understand or take in new education and learing.

I left school with no qualifications what so ever, I walked out of school and went and worked a round about in a fair ground in London.

For me the recovery program is not religious, the recovery program helps me help myself, no one or thing could stop me in my addictions or my obsessions, that needed to be my choice one day at a time.

For me the recovery program was going to help me understand that I was not evil or bad, I was not just no good, I was very simply emotionally vulnerable.

The healthy people in the recovery program was going to help me understand what were my emotional triggers were and when I am vulnerable.

Each time I went back to my addictions and my obsessions was a lesson I needed to learn from.

No matter when my last bet was I kept going to meetings.

No matter I did not want to talk I kept going to meetings.

No matter I did have any money I kept going to meetings.

What I did not understand that as I exposed more and more of myself it was a sign of my new found strength, I was coming out of myself.

For me to heal my hurt inner child I needed to stop being consumed by my addictions and my obsessions.

My addictions and my obsessions indicated that I was not coping in a healthy way with people life and situations in a healthy way.

Writing down my needs each day heled me stay focused.

Writing down my wants each day heled me stay focused.

Writing down my goals each day heled me stay focused. 

For me my confidence and self esteem got much healthier by my healthy actions, by my healthy words.

Each time I lied I hurt myself,  each time I stole I hurt myself, each time I avoided facing myself I hurt myself.

The person I feared facing the most was myself.

Once I took my recovery seriously I found it difficult to reward myself, I found it difficult to compliment myself, I found it difficult to validate myself.

To stop beating myself and calling myself names took time to change.

My recovery was very much baby steps which meant I needed to slow my pace down, more patience and tolerance with myself, to give up risk taking, to give up speeding and to drive at the speed limit, only when I was more patience and tolerance with myself could I be more patience and tolerance with other people.

Why would I be so reluctant to make changes in my life so I could achieve more and feel better about myself for a change.

When I procrastinate I know I am cheating myself.

Love and peace to every.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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