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Why was therapies so good for my recovery and my healing

I am a non religious I questioned if I could get healthy and no longer want or need to escape to my addictions and obsessions.

On entering the recovery I was focused about losing my money lost and just to abstain from my addiction.

I do not recall how many times I felt all I could do was talk about my money lost and how painful it was being so unhealthy.

I wanted to blame every one else for my emotional vulnerability.

I had hatred towards the gambling establishment and that they cheated me of my money.

But was that the truth, in time I would understand that no one made me do any thing I did not want to do.

The gambling establishments never stole my money I gave it to them freely.

The gambling establishments never made me do any thing I did not want to do.

The rooms of recovery helped me get more and honest with myself.

The light bulb did not switch on from day on walking in to the recovery.

I have been in recovery seriously for over 54 years, I was not able to abstain from unhealthy habits for some time.

I was able to understand each bet I had was a lesson if I was willing to learn what was my last emotional trigger.

I walked in the healing recovery program feeling that my addictions and my obsessions controlled my life.

I walked in the healing recovery program feeling fear of being honest, I feared emotional intimacy, I feared emotional intimacy, I feared being accountable to myself, I feared being myself, I feared showing how much pain was with in me.

The rooms of recovery helped me learn to trust giving a therapy, helped reduced my walls which were built on my fears.

Once the honest therapies came out of me and of others, I would see myself in other people, both the healthy and the unhealthy.

The rooms of recovery helped me learn to understand my feelings and my emotions and be able to articulate myself more deeply and in a much healthier way.

Some people will react in such unhealthy ways when they see them self in other people.

Often there will be people who focus on every one but them self.

Once the therapies were opened up to such emotional vulnerability people sharing they would explain how they processed every day issues.

How could I love any one else if I was not able to love myself.

How could I respect any one else if I was not able to respect myself.

At what time would I give up beating myself up, at what time would I give myself a compliment.

At what time would I be more punctual in time keeping.

At what time would I give up risk taking, to keep to the traffic driving codes, to not  jump traffic lights, to give up tail gating.

What was very powerful for me understanding my needs, understanding my wants, understanding how important it was to write my needs wants and my goals on a daily basis.

Only once I opened up the meetings I then was able to open up emotionally to my wife and my family.

Because of my addictions Saturday morning was a very testing time for me, yet I did not talk to Shirley about me being vulnerable.

Then one Saturday she asked me how I was feeling, today I understand the reason she asked me was she felt that I was nervous and anxious.

I answered honestly I said that I felt emotionally vulnerable, with in 5 minutes we both had our coats on and were going out of our front door.

I asked her where are we going, she said any where.

That day we stopped off at a bowling alley, and played bowling for some time.

After that each Saturday Shirley Mark and myself went ten pin bowling, as well as eating out.

After a while I did not fear or feel anxiety the truth was I looked being out with my family. 

So for me my addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.

I was not evil bad or no good, I was just emotionally vulnerable.

I have lost count of the number of times I went back to my addictions and my obsessions.

It is vital to be committed to my meetings, I needed to put time effort and more energy in to my recovery than I put in to my addictions and my obsessions.

My fears of intimacy was reduced by having heart to heart meetings with sponsors and other people.

By having healthy sponsors they will demonstrate how healthy we can all be.

I have travelled to so many meetings in my time.

The funny thing is that often meetings will raise more questions than answers.

Often after recovery meetings people would meet out side and have close sharing and much longer than the meeting it self.

In our honest sharing and our therapies we will understand what is healthy and what is healthy.

For me it was exchanging all of my unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

In general life people have identified my recovery by my healthy respectful ways and wording.

At one time I thought that you are polite to get the things you wanted.

One day I was with my wife and the meal I had received in a restaurant had pieces of paper in between the slices of the Turkey I was about to eat.

In the old days I would have exploded with anger and rage, sadly I would have wanted the meal for free if I could have done so.

I waited patiently till the waiter came my way.

I talked in a low level voice and asked the waiter if I was expected to pay extra for the paper in the Turkey slices.

The waiter was very shocked by this meal, the manager came to our table and apologized, I was offered some kind of compensation but declined it, I was offered a free sweet with my meal, again I declined.

After our meal out side I asked Shirley if I dealt with this situation in a healthy way, did  any one feel threatened by my words.

When coming to my levels of intimacy with people each day I am not trying to impress people, I am not trying to buy peoples friendship.

I would say one of the big things I found in my recovery is part of my healing my hurt inner child is healthy intimacy with all people.

I was not aware of how much potential I had with in myself.

I have been witness a person was completely homeless jobless came in to the recovery program.

In time money owed was paid completely, he got a job, he met a partner, got married, bought a house, had children and was an example how recovery can change a person completely if you take recovery seriously.

How much do I value myself today, how much more can I do for my recovery today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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