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Recovery healing our fears reduce and we achieve so much more in our life
I am Dave and I am an unhealthy addict.
At one time all I wanted to stop Gambling.
I use to think and feel that my addictions controlled me and my life.
Today I understand that my addictions and obsessions were a form of escape.
I use to question if I was a bad person, question if I was a stupid person, question if I was a dumb person.
Today I understand that my addictions and obsessions were a form of escape because I felt emotionally vulnerable.
Today I understand that me being emotionally vulnerable did not mean I was a weak person.
In time I would understand my emotional triggers.
My emotional triggers were my pains I could not heal, my fears I could not face, my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations that did not go my way, loneliness due to my fear of emotional intimacy, my boredom due to the fact I could not be productive in my life and was not motivated in a healthy way to fulfil my needs, my wants and my goals.
I found that the pains in my life I experienced caused fears in me that I could not deal with or understand.
Today I understand that my anger and my rage were due to my unhealthy reactions to my pains, my fears and my frustrations
My anger and my rage indicated that in me I was reacting to the pains of my past that were not resolved or healed.
Today I understand that recovery means healing to me, yet how could I heal if I was not willing to admit to my self I was still living my life in the pains of my past today.
Only once I abstained from all my unhealthy habits could true healing and recovery even start for me.
Recovery was about healing and learning to interact in healthy ways with myself and with other people.
In time to exchange unhealthy habits into healthy habits.
The lists of abuse I experienced over many decades were very long, and occurring over 17 years of my life.
I learned also because I could not cope emotionally with, I use to bury and suppress the traumas of my life.
There was one time when I was a teenager that I tried and failed at taking my own life, today I question after all the things that happened to me why on that date did I try to end my life and why.
Was it the pains I could not heal, was it the fact that adults in my life at that time could not deal with their own issues they could help me, was it the fears of emotional intimacy, was it the lack of nurturing and lack od demonstration of what healthy life was about emotionally, was it the fact I could not speak out for myself, that I did not have a voice based up on a peaceful mind.
How long would it take me to take very slow baby steps and learn to heal the hurt inner in me that had hidden most of his life.
The funny is that I did have expectations of people in my life and sadly I expected them to fulfil my emotional needs, in recovery I would learn that I could only love some one else if I loved myself.
I would learn that I could only respect some one if I respected myself, so what ever I expected from someone else, I need to give to myself first of all.
There was a  time when money and gambling were every thing to me, now my values have changed as I have changed, the most important things to me today, relationships and time.
I use to wish my life away, I use to hate Mondays, I use to hate working, I use to think and feel that my adrenaline rush and risk taking was happiness, so what do I think happiness is to me today, is it money, no money only gives you more choices.
I use to want to escape going on holiday, I really did not want to get back to reality and real life.
I use to be so intolerant and impatient, that being hard on others was an indicator of how hard I was on myself.
I use to undermine myself, I could not compliment myself or validate myself, I would find fault with everything I did or said.
One day a complete stranger helped me get back on the road with my car, I went into my pocket to give him so money, the man asked me what I was doing, I told him that I wanted to give him money to show my appreciation, he said no, that he helped me out because he wanted to.
My thinking is he is a fruit and not case, some thing changed that day, it raised questions I was not ready to answer.
Later in my recovery I pulled my car over and asked if I could help this stranded lady, she said that she had run out of petrol, without any hesitation I opened my boot pulled out my can of petrol and started to pour petrol into her petrol tank.
She said she had to give me some money, I asked  why do you have to give me money she said if she did not she would feel guilty, very honest answer, I declined her money and she said no I have to take the money and placed it in my jacket pocket and was getting stressed out.
The lady could not accept the fact I did it for myself, not for her, not for money, did she think I was nuts or weird, did she understand that I did not want or need anything from her, could she understand that an act of kindness is us giving of our self.
So at what point in my recovery did I do it for myself, at what point in my recovery did I value myself.
In the USA while travelling vehicle stranded on the edge of the road, there were 3 people standing by the vehicle, at this time I did not have a spare petrol can, so I offered them a lift to a garage, they accepted and we drove them to petrol station and took them back to their vehicle, on the way one person commented that every car that drove by was an American car, that we were Canadians and we helped them out.
When people live in fear they miss out on emotional intimacy, once we over come our fears, our  emotional intimacy grows and we get healthier from those healthy interactions.
So part of our recovery is therapies, as we share more our fears reduce.
As we share more of our self we see and feel our self in other people, both the healthy and unhealthy.
With our healing comes more understanding, more compassion and we reach a point where we learn to love and learn in healthy ways.
In time in our recovery we value our self and value others.
There is no limit as to what we can achieve in our life today.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave L
AKA  Dave of Beckenham

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