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Do I understand what my emotional triggers were or are today
My name is Dave I am a compulsive Gambler.
I have been able to work with my recovery which in time helped me heal from the pains of my past.
In time all the time I was consumed by my addictions and obsessions I was becoming more and more unhealthy and even more vulnerable.
I was not an evil person, I was not an bad person, I was a person who was very unhealthy emotionally vulnerable person, who when I could not cope with people life and situations I would try to escape one way or another.
In time I would learn to abstain from one unhealthy habit, only for me abstaining was going to be the start of the healing process.
Why did I think that I loved Gambling, silly me it was not love at all, it was risk taking and very much adrenaline based.
Deep down I was a very inadequate insecure inept person, I was just not aware of what my emotional triggers were.
For me my emotional triggers were my pains I could not heal, my emotional triggers were my fears I could not face, my emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my expectations I could not reduce of people life and situations, my emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness, my emotional triggers were my feelings of boredom. 
Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand, I would understand that I can face my fears with out understanding the pains that caused those fears.
Why could I not be honest, well it was simple every time I was asked to be honest and own up I would be punished.
Why did I fear emotional intimacy, well simple I was often hurt by people that were close to me.
No one could stop me gambling, only when I accepted that simple fact it would be easier for me.
My control issues were fear based.
One very simple fact that my anger was a very unhealthy reaction to my pains my fears and my frustrations.
The question is for myself is being angry healthy, if it is unhealthy how do I change my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations to becoming more stable in myself.
The unhealthy level of reaction could often be described as rage from with in.
My rage in my anger was often not to what was happening at that one moment but a build up of unhealthy reactions to events from my past.
I use to say that I wanted justice for the pains of my past that were not healed.
I use to say that I was angry at the casino, how healthy it is to be angry at a casino or angry at a person working there, they did not take my money from me, I gave it to them willingly.
The simple fact no one made me gamble, no one took my money from me, I did it willingly.
Some people will say that a compulsive Gambler is selfish, that was confusing that saying, for me a compulsive Gambler is self destructive, not the same thing at all.
What feelings did I have with in myself on leaving those unhealthy places, for me I was in pain, I was angry at myself, I felt like I had lost control in my life, I felt hopeless and useless, I felt even more inadequate and insecure in myself, I felt inept and inadequate,  and most important I felt more insecure in myself than before I went back to my addictions.
My addictions were a form of escape when I was not able to cope emotionally.
In my life was I a victim, oh for sure, no doubt about it what so ever.
How did I understand what a victim was, for me things were done and said to me that adversely affected me in so many ways, it adversely affected me in my grow as a person, it adversely affected me to able to heal and move on from my past.
Why would a person continue to allow people to adversely affect them, this point is important to make a decision to stand up for one self, not from rage or anger but to talk out from a place of peace.
To be able to articulate your self in very healthy ways.
Some people will find it very hard to remove them self from the threat of very unhealthy manipulating people.
There is setting boundaries, this is a new found healthy skill and is very powerful.
Before my recovery I was a very angry discontent unhealthy person.
My frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
Will unhealthy people get healthy because I am in a recovery program, you are joking right.
By reducing my expectations of people life and situations I stop hurting myself.
My loneliness was due to my fear of emotional intimacy.
To move away from talking sad war stories over and over again would take me some time.
To give a therapy would get me out of living in the past and get me focused on my commitment and on to healthy motives. 
 For the recovery program to work in time requires our commitment, to identify what is unhealthy and what is  healthy, to over time exchange an unhealthy habit in to a healthy habit.
How much do I value myself today.
The wording I used all the time before was I have to.
Now it is more about what is a need. 
Now it is more about what is a want. 
Now it is more about what is a goal.
To commit to myself is about writing down and being committed to myself. 
Daily lists of my healthy needs my healthy wants my healthy goals.  
It is often found that people will exchange one unhealthy habit in to another unhealthy habit.
A healthy sponsor will be sharing in a two way street healthy intimate relationship.
Being honest with out being cruel.
A healthy sponsor will never take credit for your new found healthy skills.
A healthy sponsor will encourage you and encourage you to continue with your new found skills.
Procrastinations is often talked about yet not fully understood, why putting off committing your self to healthy skills in your life.
A healthy sponsor will be nurturing and encouraging you towards filling your days with full committed time.
A healthy sponsor will be talking about your decisions in getting things done in healthy ways.
In time your ability will include showing your gratitude and appreciation towards other people. 
Showing your gratitude and appreciation is an expression of your new found values in your self.
Your gratitude and appreciation will improve your intimacy with other people. 
I asked my wife what is love, her answer was very simple yet I did not understand at the time. 
Love is giving of your self unconditionally having no expectations what so ever.
This ties up with our frustrations due to our expectation of others.
The serenity prayer helps us understand how painful it is to our self having such high expectations of others.
Procrastination so many people have their views why it hard for them to get committed in to doing the actions.
So the question is procrastination fear based, lack of commitment, fear of failure,  fear of it being painful, is it lack of confidence, is it our ignorance, feeling inept, do we not have any faith in our self, we do nto value our self.
So once we do more and more healthy things our healthy needs our healthy wants, is it hard to compliment our self, to validate our self, to encourage our self even further. 
I have not been to meetings since Covid scares.
Do I live in fear of infection, do I live in any kind fear of today.
I have been to recovery center to gives talks in a very secure healthy setting.
I get so much from doing talks, I get lots from people questions.
The funny thing that most meetings raise more questions than answers.
In my time I am not surprised to see many meetings after meetings which last even longer than the original meetings.
In our therapies we will be nervous first of all, yet over time we will see our self in others, both the healthy and unhealthy part of us.
In therapies we will see our self from the past but also see and feel our self in the future levels of our recovery. 
I most certainly believe in spiritual values but I am a non religious person.
I understand that my healthy spiritual values caused me to feel guilty and ashamed by our unhealthy past.
When I go against my own spiritual values I hurt myself.
Yet how do we heal our pains, how do we face our and reduce our unhealthy fears.
And as we talk about and reduce our unhealthy fears our healthy trust grows.
By our healthy therapies we open up more to healthy motive and productive lives. 
Each time we break out and go back to unhealthy habits we can learn what emotional triggers caused me to live in fear once more and how can I process those feelings and much healthier way.
One time I went to a new kind of group, I heard people saying that certain feelings and emotions were good bad wrong or right.
I think that in that way we do not process or understand out unhealthy reactions.
To have healthy interactive relationships with our self we need to understand what is healthy and what is unhealthy.
In meetings often we would read peoples body language as them being dissapointed in our last break out,  sadly people would feel uncomfortable seeing or feeling other peoples pains. That we would assume their response to us as being unhealthy.
So the question can we have empathy for another person if we are not able to have empathy for our self.
Can we love another person if we are unable to love our self.
Can we respect another person if we are unable to respect our self.
Can we trust  another person if we are unable to trust  our self.
Can we be patient with another person if we are unable to patient with our self.
How much value do we have about our self.
How much do we want to heal our hurt inner child.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham

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