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Understanding my unhealthy addictions and unhealthy obsessions

It took me a very time to understand that my escaping to my unhealthy addictions and unhealthy obsessions was a way of me scaping in my fears.

I had suffered many pains in my life and with every pain came fears I did not understand.

My unhealthy addictions and unhealthy obsessions indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

In truth I was not a weak person, I was just emotionally vulnerable.

Sadly because there were many pains not healed I also feared emotional intimacy.

It was pointed out to me by a stranger that every fear I had was a way of protecting my hurt inner child.

In time I gave up talking about money lost, I gave up talking about the adrenaline highs and risk taking.

In sharing my therapies I was able to talk about my emotionally vulnerability.

I talked about pains I could not heal, fears I could not face.

I talked about my frustrations due to my unreasonable of people life and situations.

In time I talked to people who like minded and wanted healing and resolve with their life.

My fears use to be 10 out of 10.

Anxiety panic fear stress were an every day issue for me.

No matter how many times I came to a fear I would procrastinate and put things off.

For me to procrastinate is a very unhealthy habit, to procrastinate things pile up on me and fear grows and confidence drastically reduces.

I use to blame every one and every thing for how I felt, I use to think that some thing would be lucky for me, that some how I had not accepted that my destiny in life was not in my control.

People did not steal money from me, I gave my money away thinking it would change my life having a big win.

It has been proven many times that when people come in to a sudden huge amount of cash it can ruin their life.

Today I understand that money would not change my life, money would not reduce my fears, money would not heal my hurt inner child, money would not heal my relationships with other people.

That money would not make me more confident in myself.

It was very difficult for me to exchange every unhealthy habit with a new found healthy habit.

It was very difficult for me to show appreciation and gratitude towards other people.

It was very difficult for me to show patience and tolerance at myself.

It was very difficult for me to learn from my mistakes and to no longer be hard on myself.

There was nothing I could do or say that would make people forgive me, that was their choice.

Often the meetings caused more questions than answers, after the meetings we would have talks and discussions with other like minded people.

It was very powerful talking to like minded people after the meetings, it would often go on for hours.

It was so stimulating that time went by very quickly.

For me opening up my shares gave me a rapid growth in my recovery.

Writing things down took time.

Writing down my needs, my wants, my goals were all important.

As my inner child came out to play the healing was able to start.

Being the victim had nothing to do about size weight color sex it had every thing to do about me being able to talk out for myself.

To set boundaries has nothing to do about other people, to set boundaries from a place of peace was important.

If you meet aggression with aggression nothing is resolved, things escalate to a very unhealthy situation.

I have often walked away from people who do not listen to my boundaries.

My creating skill have improved so much, working plans out has so much improved, I use to lack confidence in myself,  I use to fear emotional intimacy.

I married my wife Shirley not knowing what love was, I married my wife not able to respect myself or respect other people.

I got married back in 1969 yet even though I was physically over twenty years of age, emotionally I was very young child who had not grown up to be not very healthy.

The recovery program was going to control my life, the recovery program was going to help me make healthier choices with my life.

People will often hear the wording a person was a dry drunk, that was some thing I did not understand, today I understand that abstaining on its own was not enough, only by me abstaining could the healing process start in my life, the choices was to take a healthier path in my life each and every day.

Talking with like minded people was important to my life.

Recovery and healing takes time.

Each day the choice is mine.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L.

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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