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Did my addictions and obsessions control me and my thinking
#1
Hi

I am Dave I am an addict and was very unhealthy and very obsessive but now in my healthy healing recovery.

Why did I keep going back to my unhealthy addictions  and why was I so very obsessive.

I did not understand that for me to heal and become healthy and whole once more would take along healing time.

By attending meetings I would start to understand what I needed to do for myself.

By attending healthy meetings I would see and feel myself in other people.

I felt on walking in to meetings that I was a very weak person.

Yet because of my fears I would try and show a clever facade that indicated that I was in control.

Because of my deep seated fears I use to think that I was a weak person.

In time I would understand I was not a weak person but in truth I was a very vulnerable person.

Being in my recovery I would understand that when I reacted in unhealthy ways I would not hurt myself but also hurt other people.

By attending meetings I would start to understand that there was a hurt inner child who had not been able to heal and grow up to be a healthy mature person.

My anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains not healed.

My anger was an unhealthy reaction to my fears not faced.

My anger was an unhealthy reaction to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

My emotional triggers were my pains my fears my frustrations due to unreasonable expectations, my feelings of loneliness and my feelings of boredom.

My feelings of loneliness were my trust issues, my fears of emotional intimacy.

My feelings of boredom were due to the fact I was not being a healthy productive person.

I had in my life experienced many forms of abuse, sadly all forms of abuse and neglect adversely hampered my healing and maturing process.

I had in my earlier teen age years tried to take my own life by taking medications I thought would end my life.

It was so horrific what I was going through I could not or would not talk any person because I had trust and very insecure feelings and emotions.

The addictions and obsessions were a form of escape and a way of deviating facing dealing with myself.

So to become a healing healthy person I needed to abstain from some unhealthy habits.

The money was never going to make me feel successful in myself.

The money was never going to heal my hurt inner child.

The money was never going to make me feel productive confident or spiritually healthy.

The money was just the fuel  for my addictions.

I use to dread going to work on Mondays, I use to wish my week away.

I use to think that intimacy was only a sexual thing.

I use to think that I would never be able to fulfill my needs my wants or my goals.

The abuse and trauma in my life adversely affected my ability to learn listen and grow up healthy. 

The therapies would open me up slowly and carefully so that I could stop living my life in fear.

I use to think that risk taking was fun and happiness.

I use to think that money would make me feel happy and content.

I use to think that money would make me feel more loving.

I am a non religious person, I am a person who lives with out fears restricting my life today.

I was not able to love another person until I loved myself.

I was not able to respect another person until I respected myself.

I was not able to be tolerant and patient with another person until tolerant and patient with and at myself.

My lack of appreciation and gratitude indicated indicated that my values were not very high in myself.

The recovery program was never going to do things for me.

The recovery program was going to get me to get my ass in to gear and I was going to help myself become a healthier person each day.

Less fears less anxiety, less procrastination, less time wasting, less unhealthy reactions, less excuses and more productivity.

There is not enough time in the day for me today.

There is more balance in my life today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham
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