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Each Time I went back to my unhealthy addictions what was the emotional trigger
#1
Hi

Each time I went back I could to my addictions I started to learn and understand what my last emotional trigger was.
 
I was very poor at reading people body language when I told them I was at it again.
 
Their sighs and looks were not critical of me, there were in fact feeling my pains and my suffering.
 
You see when we go back we help people see them selves and their sufferings.
 
I know for sure that fear would not stop me from being self destructive.
 
In fact it was often fear that caused me to try and escape people life and situations.
 
I learned that I had a common fear of being honest. 
 
In time I understood that my fears of being honest I associated with being honest as being painful.
 
When ever I was honest as a child I was often caused pain physical pains critical pains rejections pains and peoples disappointment in me, fear of failure.
 
As I found more and more about what I wanted and needed from the meetings I was able to give deeper therapies from different times in my life.
 
In other peoples therapies I would not only see myself but also feel for myself and other people.
 
Only once I had empathy for myself could I have empathy for other people.
 
The recovery program was all about healing my hurt inner child.
 
Yet in time the buried and suppressed feelings and emotions would come to surface, from the deep buried subconscious to the conscious mind, and then I could heal from the deepest hidden pains.
 
Recently there were discussions of our deepest fears, it was a very healthy meeting, we are able to talk and discuss about how those fears adversely affected our lives.
 
In time in my recovery I would exchange from very unhealthy habits in to healthy habits and I was able to become more and more productive in my life.
 
I use to recognize that I was not a very good planner, I use to jump at things and not work things out in an organized way.
 
The old saying measure twice cut once.
 
At the beginning of my life I was very fear based, very limited very inept very inadequate and very insecure, I use to tell jokes so that I could get closer to people.
 
In the old days I use to go to a pub because I was not able to open up with out having a drink in me.
 
Drinking and being in the pub was a kind of shallow social club.
 
I did not have any qualifications when I left school at 15 years of age, nothing what so ever.
 
In time I learned electronics, I was an electronics inspector, I went to college and did evening classes.
 
I found that every tool I bought would learn that in time saved me money.
 
In time I became more and more self sufficient, I was able to listen to good healthy advice.
 
I use to ask people to do things for me and I use to think I was clever doing that way.
 
Then I got in to the healthy habit of asking people to show me how to do things for myself.
 
People would say it was quicker for them to do it for me, yet by letting people things for myself I was cheating myself.
 
I use to fear computers, so what did I do I became a computer engineer.
 
The recovery was going to be a guide to me finding a healthy life slowly by taking baby steps day by day.
 
As I identified my fears and they reduced my trust grew in myself, and in other people, I started to trust myself more and more.
 
There was less lack of confidence there was a willingness to persue new goals new needs and more wants.
 
Recovery is an eye opening experience. 
 
I have lost count the number of times people have used to light bulb moment when they finally understood, that text and words turned in to live understanding and wisdom.
 
There was one person who lived on the streets, he found a job, rented a place, studied and learned, found a partner and got married, he then got a mortgage and had a very healthy family.
 
The painful past experiences no longer hindered him in his being healthy his self discovery and his healthy healing process.
 
It is often said n the rooms that you only get out recovery that what you put in to it.
 
When things go very seriously pear shaped in my life I understand that my recovery is being tested.
 
Love and peace to every one.
 
Dave L
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