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How much more healthier I can be with my life today

On walking into the recovery program I honestly believed the only thing I wanted in my life was to stop gambling. If I could do that I would be happy.

That was not true, I even thought that the recovery program would stop me gambling, that was not true, the recovery program would help me help myself.

My addictions and obsessions indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable, I was not weak bad right wrong evil or just no good, the simple fact I had suffered many kinds of abuse pain and suffering and if I wanted to I could find a much healthier life.

My addictions and obsessions were only the symptoms that I could not cope with my feelings and my emotions.

There will be many people who will say that an addict is selfish, that for me was not true, selfish I was not, I was in fact self-destructive, not only was I destroying myself I was also destroying my family.

Shirley my wife would say it was not the money lost it was the lies and betrayal that hurt her, no matter how much money I lost she just wanted to know if I was gambling or not.

The word recovery for me means healing, in time I would get honest with myself an admit that I was not willing to or wanted to heal the pains of my past.

So the moment you cross that line and move on from telling how much money you lost, where you gambled, to just give an honest therapy about how vulnerable you were or are today.

No matter when my last bet was to keep attending meetings. To not make excuses why you    would not or could not go to meetings.

The recovery program is about a commitment to myself, not for another person, not out of guilt or shame, no remorse just go because you do want to become selfish in your healing process.

As my honesty grew my fears got less, every secret is fear based, by not being honest to yourself you are cheating yourself.

I had my list of things to do today, some were needs and some were wants. The more effort I put in to my actions and my words the more I get from my new found skills.

I do not fear being honest, I enjoy expressing my gratitude and appreciation, it helps my relationship with other people.

One day I had ordered a meal, on eating the meal I found a piece of paper still between the cooked meat.

In the old days my instant reaction was to take it personally, to get angry and then I wanted to transfer my pains and frustrations on to other people.

I did not want  to offend or hurt anyone even myself, on seeing the waiter I asked if I had to pay extra for the pieces of papers on the meat part of the meal.

This kind of humor stopped the person from feeling vulnerable, the way I said it was non-threatening, the waiter even cracked a smile, I said quietly and thoughtfully.

Now did I want to embarrass any person or myself. Did I want discount or something for nothing? No I wanted someone to learn from their mistake.

When I get an exceptional meal I will ask the waiter to give the chef my compliments.

After the waiter heard what I had to say and saw the paper I was offered free deserts.

I  thought about it and declined the free offer politely, I did not want or need a desert, and we left the restaurant feeling was done in a healthy way.

There are going to be people who will not wear a mask, there are going to be people who will not get injected, that is their choice.

I do not wear a mask out of fear, I wear a mask because I respect myself and value my health today.

There was a time when I use to justify my unhealthy smoking, I do not smoke today because it is unhealthy for me and people around me.

In two weeks’ time I celebrate 29 years free from gambling, it is custom for us to buy our own food and drink items.

I celebrate to show people how grateful I am for them being there for me, I now know for sure reading books was never the answer for me, it was through all people therapies that we see and feel our self in other people, both the healthy and the unhealthy.

We see who we use to be but more importantly we see our self as we can become.

There have been meetings where people have not talked at all until four months later on in the rooms.

That was very powerful of the room to let the person come out when they were ready to do so.

If I was not willing to or able to admit that I had pains with in me that I could not deal with.

When raging anger came out of me that indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed or resolved.

If I am living in guilt shame or regret I am living in the pains of my past. Learn to heal my pains and move on from my past sufferings.

If I am filled with hatred my hurt inner child is not healed, if I am wanting vengeance my hurt inner child is not healed, if I am sulking my hurt inner child is not healed, if my expectations are unreasonable my hurt inner child is not healed.

Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand.

In my recovery I would stop being the victim and learn to have a voice for myself built on peace.

I did Karate for two years that did not stop me from being the victim.

How much do I value myself today, have I stopped beating myself up, have I fore given myself for being such an unhealthy person.

Am I able to express myself in a healthy way without adversely affecting another person.

Have I given up saying to myself I have to, it implies I do things reluctantly,  it implies I do not understand what is a need and what is a want thing.

In my life I have had over 37 jobs, on the last job I was thinking of moving on, I asked myself what is my problem, I did a full inventory the work itself as an engineer, the management, my work hours, the travelling, the communications, my direct bosses, and finally I found out that I felt like I was being controlled.

My feeling controlled was all down to my fear and control issues, in all honesty being on the road I was my own boss, yet by being honest to myself I could understand my fears and m insecurities.

To go from my fears which were 10 out of 10 to single numbers was very powerful.

One day travelling with Shirley she asked me how I was feeling, I told her I was panicking, she could not believe me, Shirley said she wanted me to be completely honest with her.

In time I understood that my fears become other people fears, that my security became other people security .

My intolerance and my impatience on other people only indicated how intolerant and my impatient I was with myself. How hard I use to be on myself.

There are more days I am feeling more successful in myself, I use to think that having money would make me feel successful in myself.

Not so now, being successful is down to my healthy actions and my healthy words.

I use to feel so helpless so useless, I use to feel such a failure, Now I feel connected with all people, I feel like I am a part of.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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