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In recovery I would find out I was emotionally vulnerable that I needed to heal

My Name is Dave I am a compulsive Gambler, on day one in recovery it was hard to admit that simple fact.

I use to think that I would be happy once I was able to abstain from my unhealthy habits, was it really that simple, not so, the recovery program was about a healing process, and I could get healthy until I admitted to myself I was unhealthy.

Today it is simple to understand that my addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.

I understand that on walking in to the recovery program I was not an evil person,  I was not a bad person, I was not a stupid person, I understand that I had been a victim and would continue to be a victim until I spoke up for myself.

Because I was emotionally vulnerable only indicated that my hurt inner child had not been able to heal his pains, my hurt inner child had not been able to face his fears, my hurt inner child had built high walls around him built on fears to save the inner child from being hurt again, a way of self preservation.

Even the walls of fear were there to protect the hurt inner child, the same walls of fear were going to restrict the hurt child from having healthy intimate relationships.

There have been many ladies who have told me that their husbands are only able to talk to me at any intimate level, the question why is that so, I think it is because they are interacting with the inner child with me, people often feel very comfortable talking to me.

I am not a counsellor yet I am often able to have empathy when dealing with pains of the past not yet healed or resolved.

I did not know that I was putting on a facade a show to pretend that I had all the answers, that was not true, there was one time at an airport Shirley and I were preparing to fly from, Shirley asked me how was I, I told her I was panicking, Shirley would not believe me.

I was very clever at hiding my fears my anxiety and my stress, so I thought, one might question was Shirley securing based up on my security.

While in action I feared being honest, I feared people finding out how insecure inadequate and inept I felt with  in myself.

There have been times in my life where I was offered promotions, each time I declined. 

Do not get me wrong if some one wanted help, I would help them on an anonymous basis. I was asked to do reports on other peoples work that again I did not do, loss of memory.

At one time I was advised that if I did not take the promotion I would most likely loose my job, I still declined, and they did not fire me.

I have suffered many kinds of abuse, I have been kicked in by 4 or five people, I have been knifed, I have been  bottled, I have been hit and run twice, I have been is a state physical trauma I could not feel any pain what so ever, I was advised to go home to bed and keep warm, the next morning was one of the very worst states of pains I have been in my life.

Sadly the unhealthy side effects of trauma is obviously pains, yet also comes the ability close your self out from the world and its people. The other side effect is a reduced response time, a lack of senses, and sadly an inability to learn and absorb education and information.

By being in  the recovery program I would start to understand my emotional triggers, I would be able to understand more about my rage and anger, the hardest for me was my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, by me having unreasonable expectations I was in effect hurting myself, yes I was causing myself unnecessary pains. 

By accepting the serenity prayer I am a non religious person, accepting the serenity prayer I am reducing unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

The meetings and more so therapies raised questions that I wanted to understand more.

I am very blessed that I have met many people over the world, and the meetings after the meetings gave me not only more insight but helped me improve my intimacy with complete strangers. Some times 2 or 3 hours would seem like half an hour.

Thee was one meeting I went out of my way to get to in England, the therapies and honesty were very powerful for me, some of the contacts were so healthy for me.

I have been in recovery since 1969, yet the simple question why is  it that I only have 29 years clean of Gambling, am I that slow of a learner, sadly when I walked in to recovery I had lost all confidence in myself, I felt like I had no value, I felt so ashamed of myself, the guilt and pains were breaking me up.

It took me along time to understand there is nothing I can do to change the past, what pains I have caused on others and myself cannot be taken away, I needed to understand if I am going to heal it is all up to me.

Learning from the past is healthy, living in the past is healthy, if I try to blank things out I am only hurting myself, if I do not reduce my fears I am sabotaging my future.

Money will not bring me happiness, money on its own will not bring me happiness, money just gives me more choices, if I am being unhealthy and go on holiday I am taking my own worst enemy with me.

At what point do I value myself, at what point do I write down my needs my wants and my goals. At what point do I get my ass in to gear and become more productive and more self sufficient in my skills.

I could not at peace with other people until I was at peace with myself.

I could not love other people until I loved myself.

I could not respect other people until I respect myself.

I could not trust other people until I trust myself.

I could not be intimate with other people until I was intimate with myself.

I could not be tolerant and patient with other people until I could be more tolerant and more patient with  myself.

Recovery is about just for today one single day, it all starts with one simple thing, Just for today only, I will not Gamble, then from that we can achieve so much more in our life.

Using the telephone extends our communication so much more, when you feel vulnerable make a call to a healthy person who will help you feel less emotionally vulnerable.

Talking people down from a vulnerable situations often turns out to be a two way street, by helping others we help our self.

It is very funny as we all grow together we still feel like we are at the same level of recovery as we use to be, not so by having a collection of people who are more stable emotionally and by sharing therapies we see our self in others as we were but more importantly how healthy we can become.

Love peace and serenity to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham.

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