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Walking in to the rooms of recovery was very scary and I did not whast to expect
On walking into the rooms of recovery was a very scary experience for me, I could not be completely honest with myself.
There were many fears I was experiencing, lots of anxiety and stress, I honestly thought that if I could pay all the money back, I had wasted would undo all the harm I did to myself and others.
Because I felt that I was being controlled by my addiction I felt very helpless, I felt that I must have been an evil bad person.
Yet my own conscience was an indicator that my lies and deceptions were causing me many pains, that because I made promises I could not keep I thought I was a waste of time.
Did I feel comfortable being in the meetings, not for some time, I use to think that I was far worse than other people.
No matter how many times I went back to my addictions or became unhealthy keep going to meetings, the meetings were never going to hurt me, sadly I had been through so many painful events in my life I was in all truth a strong survivor, all the abuse I had been through and buried those pains for so long it felt normal to live in fear an self-doubt all of the time.
In time I would talk about money lost, how I felt towards the gambling establishments, how I felt towards the gambling staff, sadly it was not their fault I lost so much money, not at all I felt that gambling was a way to escape my feelings and my emotions.
Then you reach a point when talking about money or gambling was no help to me and I started to give deep seated therapies.
Then as my fears reduced, I felt more comfortable exposing myself emotionally to like-minded people.
I used to think that when they talked about religion it was about control issues, I felt that anything or anyone was trying to help me they were trying to control me.
Sadly, I learned that for me being a non-religious person I was going to listen to healthy people who would give me healthy advice in how to live my life in a much healthier way.
As my fears reduced, I was more open, honest, and willing to listen how other got to have healthier lives without emotional triggers and without fears slowing down my recovery.
What is more effective meetings or a one to one share, often meetings raised more questions than answers, so after meetings there would people who raised questions to find a healthy resolves with challenges in our lives.
In time focus would move from sorting out the financial carnage I had created and more importantly how to deal with and face challenges in my everyday life.
In time I found some extremely helpful people who would be tolerant and helpful in finding ways of dealing with people in a much healthier way.
Would or could Shirley forgive me, could Shirley ever forgive me, could Shirley ever life her life with me without fearing me, more importantly could Shirley ever learn to love me again.
The money was only a fuel for me escaping people life and situations I could not deal with in healthy ways.
It is very sad that due to a serious amount of abuse to me physically and emotionally it adversely affected me that I could not learn and take in education so when I left school at 15 years of age, I had no certificates whatsoever.
Would I ever be able to learn and take in good advice and education from people in my life, who would decide what was healthy and what was unhealthy.
I use to fear the opposite sex, I use to fear being honest, I use to fear unhealthy bullies in the world, I use to fear taking on new challenges, I use to fear being myself, I use to fear people being affectionate towards me, I use to fear asking for help, I use to fear being asked questions when giving talks, I use to fear running out of petrol, I use to fear the dentist, I use to fear tax time, I use to fear Shirley asking me questions, I use to fear making mistakes, I use to fear being asked to go to the office, I use to fear work as I felt that I was being controlled.
I used to think that because I earned the money I controlled the family, how inept inadequate insecure was I really. How long would it take for me to work as a team.
So in time I learned what my emotional triggers were, my unhealthy reactions being angry was due to my pains not being healed, my anger was also due to    my fears, another unhealthy reaction which was not  healthy to live in, my unhealthy reactions being angry was due to my frustrations which were due to my unhealthy unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, by me having unhealthy unreasonable expectations I was in effect causing myself some very unhealthy pains.
My other emotional triggers were feeling lonely and isolated, and my last emotional triggers were boredom, because I did not made use of my time being productive in myself and doing it for myself.
By my saying I have to implied not only was I obsessive but also, I felt I was doing things reluctantly and resentfully.
Was I at any time doing things because I wanted to or needed to do voluntarily?
So, in writing things down it was hard to put items on my list knowing what a need was and what was a want thing.
In time I would give of myself unconditionally, to not expect anything in return.
So, I got to ask for help, I got to ask questions, so I fully understood reasons and logic behind my actions and my words.
To be honest without causing offence or hurting people’s feelings.
The one thing I found hard to understand why I was not able to show gratitude and appreciations to people’s healthy actions and healthy words, to show gratitude and appreciations was it person pleasing, was it to try and impress people, in time I would understand that my showing gratitude and appreciations was my expression of my healthy values. To let people, know and understand that I was appreciative of their healthy actions and healthy words.
Once one regularly shows extremely healthy gratitude and appreciation there is an increase in peoples eye contact, that very short time of contact is very intimate and healthy.
Sadly, in today’s world sometimes people think showing that our gratitude and appreciation is not the norm and people be more forth coming in our honest sharing.
Why attend meetings if I have not gambled in over 29 years, it is not about money,  it is not about gambling, it is about healing my hurt inner child, it is about strengthening our own conscience, it is about learning that in justifying my failings I am not being mature or healthy, no matter when a person had their last bet or drink that our sharing is a two way street, that even today I am still a student on how to become more healthy and more accountable to myself.
In trying to justify any of my failings I am cheating myself and not being healthy.
Love peace and serenity to everyone.
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham 

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