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Living in fear is not healthy for me, how healthy and productive can I get today
I was not a very healthy motivated person earlier in my life, once I identified the fact that when I procrastinated it was not very healthy, procrastination was often lack of confidence lack of self esteem and more often fear based, that when I justified my failings I was not being honest to myself, Brian Tracey helped me understand that when I needed to work things out in my head I needed to be relaxed and not stress myself out, I have found very often that when I let go of thinking about a challenge it is a short period of time I found out how to resolve my challenges, the reason I had so many fears in my life was due to painful events in my life that had not been healed and resolved, my addictions and my obsessions indicated that I had certain emotional triggers. My triggers were my pains not healed, my fears having not been faced, my frustrations  were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, due to my expectations I was in effect hurting myself and causing myself pains, my loneliness was due to fear of emotional intimacy, and my boredom because I was unable to be healthy and motivated in my life, in time I would give of  myself unconditionally, I would learn to be honest with out being cruel. Every one has their own idea what success is, some might think that money makes you feel successful, yet in the middle of my life I would start to learn that success is all about my healthy actions and healthy words would make me feel successful in myself.  People will justify saying or doing unhealthy things to other people, they will often think that they wanted justice, sadly they were being vengeful and by causing other people pains they would think that they have resolved their own pains, how long to learn that vengeance and healing our pains is not the same thing. How much do I value time and relationships today. Can I be myself today with out any fears. Can I express appreciation and gratitude to every one in my life today, can I be myself today not fearing any kind of emotional intimacy today. Do I live my life with out any fear in me today. How can I reach another challenge in my life knowing there is always an answer to every challenge in my life today. That I will not allow fear to limit how much more I can do with my life today. That I know that love is giving of myself unconditionally not holding back in any way.

Recovery is a non religious healing process for me.

Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand.

Over time I gave a number out of ten to each fear so that I could reduce those fears one by one.

Here is my list of my fears.

Fear of rejection and or abandonment, fear of telling the truth, fear of being accountable, fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of being let down, fear of fear of humiliation, fear of loneliness, fear of of the dentist, fear of of the doctors, fear of injections, fear of betrayal, fear of disappointing people, fear of what people thought of me, fear of speaking up for myself, fear of being the victim, fear of aggression and confrontation, fear of letting people down, fear of validating myself, fear of taking a compliment, fear of the doctors, fear of being committed, fear of Christmas, fear of Tax time, fear of writing my needs my wants and my goals, fear of writing down the pain and abuse I experienced in my life, fear of writing down injuries to my body, fear of writing down the emotional abuse I experienced, fear of writing down the physical abuse I experienced, fear of writing down the sexual abuse I experienced, fear of being myself, fear of my failings, fear of guilt shame regret remorse, fear of therapies, fear of being a loner, fear of setting boundaries, fear of having a voice to stand up for myself, fear of strangers, fear of healing my pains, fear of being a victim, fear of not making it, fear of people faces when they got to know me.

This list seems impossible looking at them in one lump.

Fear restricted me, fear froze me in the traumas of my past.

I took my worst fear, the 10 out of 10 and I asked myself what is the very worst that can happen.

Only once I was willing to accept the very worst that could happen would the level of my fears reduce.

How many times, how many years have we feared the Tax man, or the tax period, it is the same fear year after year, then I decide to put money in each month to cover payment to the tax man, that reduces my fears.

Then the reaction to the paper work and being accountable, I store all the data I have in a safe place, then each year just enter new date on paper work and fill it in and save it, give it a new name and I am up to date, it is fear of getting some wrong, this changes with practice and if I get wrong number incorrect there is one going to beat me it just gets corrected.

The same with finances each item purchased I type in to Excel sheets and each month there is a page, I type in all bills, and of course save them it gives me confidence and there is no longer the fears of looking at the bank account each time.

The sad fact that at one time I feared computers, I thought that I would break them, then what did I do I became a computer engineer. LOL.

Success is a reward from building our confidence and self esteem and working on our needs each day, working on our wants each day, working on our goals each day, by being committed we lose our fears.

Why did I escape to Gambling, it was fear based, I could not cope emotionally with life people and situations.

Sadly I would often take on other peoples emotional baggage.

So simply recovery is a healing process, non religious for me.

If I am not willing to admit to myself I am in pain today nothing can be done about it, it has to be my own choice.

The same with my fears I needed to face them head on, in reducing my fears I am able to live a healthy life today.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

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