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Did I enjoy living in fear and regret, how much more can I do with my life today
#1
Hi

Walking in to the recovery program I did not understand that in time I would abstain from my addictions, yet more importantly I would heal  my hurt inner child.

Once I understood when I was emotionally vulnerable that reacting in such unhealthy ways I was making things much worse in my life.

In time I would also understand because I was emotionally vulnerable I was not an evil stupid or a weak person, because of the pains that were caused up on me in my  child hood I could not cope with how my feelings and emotions.

I have heard some people say that some feelings and emotions were bad or some were good, in my recovery I would understand that living in certain ways was healthy or not healthy.

The recovery program was non religious for me.

In time understanding my emotional triggers I would be able to cope with events in much healthier ways, I would contact people and talk myself down to dealing with situations in  much healthier ways.

I would also understand that because of unhealed pains in my life I lived in far to many fears, and because of unhealed pains I would try and escape in so many ways.

For me the addictions and obsessions were just indicators of how vulnerable I was, recovery for me is a healing process thing, it was not possible for me to heal every pain in a few days.

For sure my gambling made things much worse and unhealthy for me.

Money was never going to buy me happiness, money was never going to heal the hurt child in me that hid behind his fears.

In time by sharing with like minded healthy people I would find how to cope with life and events in much healthier ways.

When people share with a sponsor it is often a two way street, we learn from each other.

Things that use to cause me to go instantly in to a full blown rage now make me laugh.

Often I question when I was last angry, sadly it is often hard to remember and that makes me laugh.

Some people think that reading text will help me find healing and resolve, for me talking at an emotional level and having a healthy intimacy where there is little fear in me helps me get past testing time.

Just because a person has been clean for a long time will not always indicate the person is healed and found emotional resolve in their life.

Clean time only indicates that I have stopped causing myself and others pains for a time.

Yet only by my abstaining gives me any chance of healing the hurt inner child in me.

It took along time to become productive in my life, I use to fear computers, I use to fear the opposite sex, I use to fear being honest, I use to fear emotional intimacy, I use to fear asking for help, I use to fear people being aggressive, I use to fear being myself, I use to fear failure or making mistakes, I use to fear taking my mask down and let see people see the real me.

How healthy do I want to be today, what is the limit of my full potential.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham
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