26-10-2021, 11:24 AM
Hi
I did not know what to expect by going to meetings, I went first of all for my family, in time I went to meetings because I wanted to.
The spiritual recovery program raised more questions than answers, yet only once I moved on from living in the past could I get focused on today.
There is nothing healthy about living in the past, only once I started to heal my pains could I live a much healthier life today.
Every fear that I had on going in to the meetings would be understood and resolved and as my fears reduced my trust grew, I started to trust myself and then I started to trust other people.
There is mention that people who are addicts are selfish people, for me not so, I was self destructive not selfish.
One can say that because I did not care about myself the addictions the drink the smoking and even beating myself up was not healthy.
The addictions and obsessions were only the symptoms that I was an emotionally vulnerable person, in time I understood the fact my anger indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.
No matter what happens I understand that by going back to my addictions obsessions I simply made things much worse.
The highs of my addiction of gambling were very much adrenaline based, I use to think that risk taking was happiness, not so.
I am a non religious person yet I understand that my conscience is spiritually based, that when I dump on to other people I am in effect hurting myself.
Guilt shame regret all words that indicate deep down I do have a conscience and by working my recovery I listen to my own conscience.
Every lie I tell I am hurting myself, by justifying myself I am not being healthy, I was to busy, did not have enough time, when I try to justify myself I am in effect heating myself.
I asked my wife what love was, she told me it was giving of myself unconditionally, no expectations, giving of myself with out expecting nothing ibn return.
I use to think that by paying back the money would make good the betrayal I had done to people, the lies would be resolved, not so money and pain have no connection what so ever, money gives us more choices, money did not heal or resolve to my deep seated pains and suffering.
There is nothing healthy about us beating our self up, nothing healthy about us calling our self names, with healing comes nurturing and empathy, to understand we can not change the past.
I am unable to heal other people yet I am able to be more nurturing healing towards myself, the healing process did not happen over night.
Yet the healing process could not happen all the time I was involved or consumed with unhealthy addictions of obsessions.
Only once I loved myself could I love other people, only once I respected myself could I respect other people, only once I was tolerant and patient with myself could I be tolerant and patient with other people, only once I was honest with myself could I be honest with other people.
The more fears I faced the less fear I lived in.
My fears and trust issues were very much linked together.
Yet at what point did I have the light bulb moment, that the text reading changed from text to understanding, at what point was I empowered by the interactions and my sharing and therapies.
At what did I understand my hurt inner child needed to heal and move on from the past, it was important to learn from my past and not live in it.
Do my family fear me today, do family trust me today, do family feel my sincerity today today, can my family say any thing to me today with out living in fear of my reacting in unhealthy ways today.
How much do I give of myself being healthy today, do I give of myself unconditionally, do I reward myself today, do I understand clearly my needs my wants and my goals today.
In being more healthy today I feel very healthy when I have productive days, I have some thing to show for my time and efforts.
I am very pleased that I replaced our lattice work on the front porch of our home, it was hard work yet very much worth while.
The simple sad fact that I wasted a lot of time and energy in being a very unhealthy person.
In looking back I do question why did it take me so long to understand how unhealthy I use to be.
And then to get my ass in to gear and get motivated in my recovery and healing process.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
Aka Dave of Beckenham
I did not know what to expect by going to meetings, I went first of all for my family, in time I went to meetings because I wanted to.
The spiritual recovery program raised more questions than answers, yet only once I moved on from living in the past could I get focused on today.
There is nothing healthy about living in the past, only once I started to heal my pains could I live a much healthier life today.
Every fear that I had on going in to the meetings would be understood and resolved and as my fears reduced my trust grew, I started to trust myself and then I started to trust other people.
There is mention that people who are addicts are selfish people, for me not so, I was self destructive not selfish.
One can say that because I did not care about myself the addictions the drink the smoking and even beating myself up was not healthy.
The addictions and obsessions were only the symptoms that I was an emotionally vulnerable person, in time I understood the fact my anger indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.
No matter what happens I understand that by going back to my addictions obsessions I simply made things much worse.
The highs of my addiction of gambling were very much adrenaline based, I use to think that risk taking was happiness, not so.
I am a non religious person yet I understand that my conscience is spiritually based, that when I dump on to other people I am in effect hurting myself.
Guilt shame regret all words that indicate deep down I do have a conscience and by working my recovery I listen to my own conscience.
Every lie I tell I am hurting myself, by justifying myself I am not being healthy, I was to busy, did not have enough time, when I try to justify myself I am in effect heating myself.
I asked my wife what love was, she told me it was giving of myself unconditionally, no expectations, giving of myself with out expecting nothing ibn return.
I use to think that by paying back the money would make good the betrayal I had done to people, the lies would be resolved, not so money and pain have no connection what so ever, money gives us more choices, money did not heal or resolve to my deep seated pains and suffering.
There is nothing healthy about us beating our self up, nothing healthy about us calling our self names, with healing comes nurturing and empathy, to understand we can not change the past.
I am unable to heal other people yet I am able to be more nurturing healing towards myself, the healing process did not happen over night.
Yet the healing process could not happen all the time I was involved or consumed with unhealthy addictions of obsessions.
Only once I loved myself could I love other people, only once I respected myself could I respect other people, only once I was tolerant and patient with myself could I be tolerant and patient with other people, only once I was honest with myself could I be honest with other people.
The more fears I faced the less fear I lived in.
My fears and trust issues were very much linked together.
Yet at what point did I have the light bulb moment, that the text reading changed from text to understanding, at what point was I empowered by the interactions and my sharing and therapies.
At what did I understand my hurt inner child needed to heal and move on from the past, it was important to learn from my past and not live in it.
Do my family fear me today, do family trust me today, do family feel my sincerity today today, can my family say any thing to me today with out living in fear of my reacting in unhealthy ways today.
How much do I give of myself being healthy today, do I give of myself unconditionally, do I reward myself today, do I understand clearly my needs my wants and my goals today.
In being more healthy today I feel very healthy when I have productive days, I have some thing to show for my time and efforts.
I am very pleased that I replaced our lattice work on the front porch of our home, it was hard work yet very much worth while.
The simple sad fact that I wasted a lot of time and energy in being a very unhealthy person.
In looking back I do question why did it take me so long to understand how unhealthy I use to be.
And then to get my ass in to gear and get motivated in my recovery and healing process.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
Aka Dave of Beckenham