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What is recovery to me today how much do I value myself, am I worth it.

Reading text and booke were a help for me.

Yet what was more important for me was moving beyond war stories and talking about more or money lost and getting in to therapies.

In hearing and grasping an understanding reaching goals in my life and exchanging unhealthy habits in to healthy habits, it was not helpful  for me to get involved with people who talked about being in action.

I use to think that I loved gambling, it was the only thing that got me so excited.

For me now in understanding me and my addiction I was escaping in my fears.

No one was going to stop me gambling, tat was going to be my choice, yet to give it up was hard, sadly I even use to think that gambling controlled my life.

Gambling for me was an unhealthy habit, what did I feel on losing my money who did I blame, every time I went gambling I made things much worse and painful.

What helped me was to work out my hourly rate at work, then when I Lost money once more work out how many out it took me to earn that money.

People around me gave up trusting or believing in me, people started to fear me because they did not know or understand my mood swings.

Getting some thing for nothing, or getting things cheap, I had an excuse for every thing, it was hard for me to acknowledge and accept responsible for the kaos I caused myself and my family.

In time I would write down my fears, there were so many and it was regular, fear anxiety stress, the list just got bigger and bigger.

My fear were many, fear of failure, fear of the opposite sex, fear of rejection, fear of intimacy, fear of being honest, fear of being accountable, fear of apologizing, fear of Christmas, fear of writing things down, fear of injections, fear of doctors, fear of Tax time, fear of making a mistake, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, fear of bills after Christmas, fear of being interrogated, fear of being let down, fear of making a mistake, fear of humiliation, fear of look on peoples faces when I had broken out again, the list justs go on and on.

Understanding each fear was a consequence of pains in my life I needed to reduce my fears, face each one at a time and over time it happened.

In recovery I would reduce my fears and heal my pains.

But it takes time and it required a lot of effort on my part.

Moving from being inadequate insecure and inept to becoming more healthy and whole was well worth while.

How much do I value myself today. 

I know just for today I will not gamble. I will not smoke I will not get drunk. I will not let myself down.

Love and peace to every one. 

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

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