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How was the recovery programme was going to help me abstain from one unhealthy habit
#1
Hi


I did not fully appreciate how was the recovery programme was going to help me abstain from one unhealthy habit, then give up other unhealthy habits.

I noticed that being in the recovery program the healing time took much longer than I was ever thought it would.

For me abstaining it took me along time, that was when I was able to stop living and start the healing process.

I understand now that I could not start the healing the pain healing if I was still causing myself further pains.

The best way I can explain what and how recovery works is it is like mountain climbing start from day one, we are tied to each other by the rope of honesty nurturing and encouraging.

There have been many people that think that by abstaining on its own is recovery, not so just by giving up one unhealthy habit is what recovery is all about.

Understanding our emotional triggers was a big thing for me.

My emotional triggers were pains not being healed, fears not being faced, my frustrations, my fears of emotional intimacy and boredom.

I felt very threatened by people saying you have to do this or do that.

I am very much a non religious person.

So once I got some clean time I found that my levels of fear were still high, then I started to understand that every fear I had was a consequence of pains caused up on me.

I started to understand it was not healthy for me to get emotionally involved with new of recovery experiences and I was able to learn to have much healthier relationships with healthy like minded people.  

Often meetings would cause more questions than answers, and over time people would talk after meetings for hours and get help after meetings. 

Being sponsored and doing sponsor work was a great experience for me, it would help me feel more comfortable talking one to one with healthy seeking habits people.

Only when I understood that recovery was a healing process, it made sense.

There were forms of escape, we would like to think that gambling was our only escape, yet once you ask your self how much time was spent of my need to do time made me aware I needed to do more and take on more challenges.

It is difficult to give up unhealthy people relationships. To find better interactions with like minded people.

When people talked about their achievements and goals reached I felt that I was being left behind.

Once I understood if they could achieve some goals just may be I could give it a try.

At one time I did inventories of painful things that happened to me, emotional physical sexual being cut with a knife, cut with a bottle, hit and run twice by car drivers, neglect abandonment, I have ben beaten up by five or six guys, and I am not able to recall the time people have tried to get me to do things which went against my own conscience.

In doing Karate for two years I found that I feared not being beaten up again, but I feared aggression and confrontation, that I feared being the victim and feared being played.

For sure I had been the victim in my child hood, and the question why do people tend to pick on me, why am I  the victim, and then I got it, the reason I was the victim was for two reasons, that people picked on me because they saw them self in me, that certain people saw their emotional vulnerability in me. They did to me what people did to them.

The other reason was I was not able to speak up for myself or set healthy boundaries. And those boundaries are set from a place of peace.

How could you think that risk taking and adrenaline rush was happiness. That nothing was as powerful as being on that buzz.

I had a great fear of talking in front of people, before my recovery and during.

I was invited to talk at a recovery gathering and declined to do so, it was very much fear based and I lacked any forth of value in myself.

A lady told me it was only a short half hour talk and I believed her, so I agreed and then just before the event I was told it was an hour and a half, do I run, do I get angry, was I played.

Then I decided to do it and face my fears. Then I opened up to questions and there was a healthy interaction which helped me understand that my relationship with the group was two way. 

I asked the gathering what else they wanted to ask questions about and was told that we had reached our time and needed to finish, that seemed impossible to me, yet it was true.

I could not believe I had done it and got so much from it, again fear was a big thing for me in my recovery.

In recent years I have got great pleasure from doing talks at a recovery center for over two years. And once there is that open debate people come across so that it is a two way street.

The simple truth recovery is not about wo is right or wrong, it is not even about good or bad, it is all about finding out what is healthy or unhealthy for myself my relationship with my self and with other people.

If I can not be honest with myself I am unable to be honest with other people.

If I can not respect myself I am unable to respect other people.

If I can not love myself I am unable to love other people.

Being an addict is not a selfish thing in truth it is a self destructive thing.

By running away in my fears I was running away from myself.

Only by writing things down could I do some thing about them.

By me writing things down I am being accountable to myself.

What are my needs today.

What are my wants today.

What are my goals today.

How much more time and effort I am willing to invest being a much healthy person today.

How much more self sufficient can I become today.

Since being in recovery I have faced my fears of doing things for the home and for my family.

I have done several jobs laying concrete, I have planed and formed our yard in to some we felt we would both like, I have taken up doing wood work, I have laid out and planned out dry walling the basement, our basement is some thing we are both proud of. 

I have put every effort in to giving up trying to control and regulate other people, I give advice when I asked of it, I was never aware of much more I could do with my life and my time.

I put up triple glazing in our home, I used acrylic sheets which reduces losses yet acrylic sheets do distort when there are huge differences on either side of the acrylic sheets, that causes huge stress in acrylic sheets material. 

I also learned that every tool you buy pays for itself when you have used a few times. Every tool you buy is an investment in myself.

Shirley and I have been to dry wall lessons on several occasions, hard work but well worth it.

The more you learn and do the more confident you get in your self.

I use to be a big time waster, I use to wish my life and time away, I use to fear Mondays and think I could only have fun over the weekends.

Today I do not have to gamble, I do not want to gamble, I do not need to gamble.  

Today I do not have to get drunk, I do not want to get drunk, I do not need to get drunk.  

Today I do not have to smoke, I do not want to smoke, I do not need to smoke.  

Today I do not have to live in fear, I do not want to live in fear, I do not need to live in fear.  

Each time I give up an unhealthy habit indicates how much I value myself and how much my family.

Love and peace to every one 

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham
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