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How do you know if they are an addict?

I'm new to this and I'm looking for some advice please. I want to know if my boyfriend is an addict. He plays online poker. He plays first thing in the morning before work and is often late for work because he gets involved with his play, this is normally for an 1 and a half. Then when he comes home, he plays for another 2 or so hours. At the weekend it is much worse. Again in the morning, then if we aren't going out he will play all day. When (!) he is not playing he visits forums to improve his play etc. I have no idea what his money situation is like, sometimes he does tell me about what is has been like on the tables, but mostly I can not talk to him whilst he is playing or about how it has gone.
I feel it takes up all his free time and he devotes most of his energy to poker. Through play or research. We have tried to reduce play time, have 1 night off a week etc, but he always slips back to his default position. He knows how I feel about it. We are due to be married soon, I don't want to marry a man who invests more time in virtual cards than his wife!

So any advice or suggestions please? Thanks
Hi Pinki

Great to have met u other day on ga chat. One thing that is very important for ga to help your b/f is.... That HE needs to accept that he has a problem then he can be encouraged to get along to a ga meeting where he can hopefully start a new life without gambling. I feel what you must be going through Pinki and I hope other family members of gamblers will reply to your thread and offer support and suggestions for you.

Try asking him these 20 quesitons from the GA book. Compulsive gamblers are good at hiding their debts. I would suggest getting everything out in the open before you get married.

Most compulsive gamblers will answer YES to at least SEVEN of these questions:

1. Do you lose time from work due to gambling?

2. Is gambling making your home life unhappy?

3. Is gambling affecting your reputation?

4. Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?

5. Do you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or to otherwise solve financial difficulties?

6. Does gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?

7. After losing, do you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses.

8. After a win do you have a strong urge to return and win more?

9. Do you often gamble until your last pound is gone?

10. Do you ever borrow to finance your gambling?

11. Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling?

12. Are you reluctant to use gambling money for normal expenditures?

13. Does gambling make you careless of the welfare of your family?

14. Do you gamble longer than you planned?

15. Do you ever gamble to escape worry or trouble?

16. Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?

17. Does gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?

18. Do arguments, disappointments, or frustrations create an urge within you to gamble?

19. Do you have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours gambling?

20. Have you ever considered self-destruction as a result of your gambling?

Last bet 26/02/2003
Hello dear - my advice is to ask very basic questions that any NON addict will disclose - Do you live together? i assume you do from what you say -in which case you are sharing a home - ask to see his credit card bill, his bank statement - these are fundamental - if he will not disclose that information then he has something to hide - he will say trust me, he will say i have control, he will say dont you love me - he will do all the things he can to make you feel like the guilty and wrong partner in the relationship. He will be losing money. How much money is down to you to try and find out, FROM HIM. If in doubt, my advice is very simple. Save yourself from the emothional trauma that comes with living with an addict and the damage it can do. I will be here to help you if i can, but you must listen to me. Dont let him bring you down. He has to admit to a problem, until that happens you can do NOTHING.
Let me know how you get on

I am a compulsive gambler and online poker was my downfall. I cannot tell you if you partner has lost control of his gambling but when I was in control, I would only play for a short periods. Quite quickly I became obsessed with it. I would read books and magazines about how to improve. When I lost control, I would play for hours. Any spare time in my day was spent playing poker. I withdrew myself from the world, took time off work and hardly ever went out. If you play for hours and hours every day then inevitably you will end up losing and chasing losses. Controlled gamblers who grind out a living on these sites play for set (short) periods of time.

I suggest you talk to your partner about this. We gamblers are very good at lying about the extent of our problems and I only came clean when I'd hit rock bottom. I hope this is not the case for you. If he does have a problem he may not be willing to admit it yet. Ask him to look at this site and read some of the stories on here as it may help to know that he is not alone. If he has a problem then it is likely that he hates himself for what he's doing to you. But by admitting it and attending GA it can be beaten.

Good luck to you both and I hope it hasn't gotten to that stage.

Hi, Sounds like your boyfriend is addicted and I would want to sort this out before marriage happens. It does not sound like he is investing much time into your relationship and you need to have question this. Ask him if he thinks he has a problem! Unfortunately if he does not think so you will not be able to support him in getting help. I suggest that you get some help for yourself so as to understand what living with a compulsive gambler means. There is a support group called Gamanon for the friends and families of the CG, so look up on this site and you will find you nearest meeting or else ask for some literature.
Best wishes and please come back if you have further questions.
hi all,

Pinki, i'm going through a similar situation. On Friday of last week, I found out my partner of 21 month has a gambling addiction (not sure what type of an addict he is). I had what i believed to be fraudulent activity on my bank account, when i asked my partner if it was him he said no! no way. he even persuaded me to prosecute in order for me to believe it wasn't him. how ever friday came and i received a call telling me it the name of the person responsible. we have split up as im in my final year of uni and have a lot on at the minute.
i really dont want my relationship to be over as i love him so much, but i refuse to be with him until i can trust him...and i can only do that after he gets help so far he has been to 2 meetings in one week (A good sign i hope).

for you to be nearly wed to your partner makes mine situation seem less .... how can i put it, ....destructive.
i hope you can convince your partner to take the first step which i believe is admitting he has a problem.
I am very new to this situation and have many questions on my own thread (titled Help!!), so i don't believe im ina position to give you quality advice.

the reasoning for my reply was two fold, firstly to let you know im going through a similar situation and secondly and selfishly, for my benefit, i need help in dealing with the fact my partner (who i believed loved me) stole the remainder of my student loan leaving me with nothing. im hurting, but at the same time realise that it is an 'illness' and i want to be strong enough to help him through,,, even as a friend.

p.s sorry for going on!

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