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living with a gambler means living with a liar
I have been with my fiance for 9 years, since i was 15 years old. When I met him I was naive and thought that going to the casino for a date was exciting and fun. 9 years later and I have a total nightmare. We got engadged 5 years ago and we live in a flat, just..
Every couple of weeks he comes home in his usual funny mood, and i instantlly know what he has just done. On one occasion i caught him in the betting shop and called him every name under the sun, i even screamed abuse at the people working there, although i know it is not their fault.
Tens of thousands of pounds have gone and he is in serious debt. I have numerous loans to pay off that i have taken out to help him, only for him to throw it back in my face.
None of my friends feel i should be with him, but I do love him and I can see past what he does, but he IS a liar and he IS a compulsive gambler, which makes him almost impossible to live with.
He has just left the house to go to a meeting, but i have seen this so many times before.. he goes to a couple and then gives up! I have now got all his money and he has no cards, i cut them all up. Am i stupid and mad for staying?? Is there any chance he will sort himself out?? i have just started a nursing degree at uni and need all the support i can get. Emma x
You are one brave, very strong and wonderful person. I am sure your fiancee deep down doesnt want to be like this with you. Im going to play role reversal a little then make some suggestions. I loved my fiancee very very deeply when we met I was a compulsive gambler, i told her all would be fine, i worked hard, but I led a secret life, it was like my lover (sorry to use that terminology), if I went out I would be late back, was chatting to the guys (not really). The problem for my ex fiancee was that she could see the wonderful man I am beneath the gambling, the love of life, the humour the fun. Emma I first went GA to fix this issue but if someone really wants to change they must themselves!!you can put barriers and its GREAT you have, he may not appreciate this now but this must be last chance salloon if you control the money you must ensure this as it is a very difficult road to recovery. I abstained for six months when I was with my ex fiancee but she beggan to trust again and I missed one meeting and slipped, I got back on the programme of recovery again but slipped bigger as she began to be influenced to leave me. What I am saying Emma is I dont know your fiancee, I dont know you either but I do know his desease. This desease will always be inside him like it is me, if you truly wish to spend your life with this man then you and especially him need to understand how devastating this desease is and how if he takes one day at a time with the love of a good woman he can combat this and you both can begin to live a happy life, but you must understand this will be a constant control of money and you must always be aware of the signs that he is in action. I suggest also you look at gamanon as this will give you a clearer understanding also of what partners suffer through our illness. Apart from that I truly hope your fiancee gets ont he programme and gives you the things as your fiancee he should, because to stick by him this far takes special praise and am sure if you control the money and he sticks to GA you will have a better life together. The last thing I will say and please do not resent this do not feel guilty for anything, you obviously ahve lived with this and understand it but it is not your fault it is simply a desease that your fiancee has and must for yours and his own sake do something about (permanently) for you both to lead a happy life together.
Hi Emma, Living with a compulsive gambler are all of the things that you have mentioned in your posting.
You need to protect yourself financially and stop enabling him to get money to gamble with ie loans etc.
Then if you are prepared to live with this man you need to seek some support and a good starting point would be for you to go to a Gamanon meeting (this is for the partners, family, friends) of a compulsive gambler. You should be able to find this information on this web site, if not ring the GA help line. Unless this man is ready to surrender and be genuine about going to meetings there is not much you can do for him I'm afraid. You are only a young person and need to think about your future.
Take care
thank you so much for your quick reply, i really appreciate it. I would really like to go to gamanon, as far as i am aware there is not one close to me, I live in Barnet.
I hope that things get better and that one day i can post my story on here about the positive outcome.
I also hope that you stay strong and keep helping others as you are doing x
Hi Emma
I am also a CG and i have put my husband and kids through an awful lot.Your partner obviously has a serious problem with gambling.Firstly let me say that as CG myself i know the pain and suffering gambling causes and i admire you very much for standing beside your partner through this terrible addiction.
You must no longer pay off any of his debts as he has to start taking responsibilty for what he is doing.
You sound like a wonderful and caring person but im sure you have had enough of the lies and misery that comes with a CG.
Try and encourage him to go to meetings regulary and if you can then attend them with him so hes knows you are supporting him and 100% behind him as dont forget that gambling is an illness.Trust me i know !!
Please stay strong and i hope this advice helps x
I have just read Barries posts what a lovely man and what terrific advice you have given to this distraught young lady.

I know how hard it is to see someone you love torcher themselves by being gamblers and the true wonderful beings that they were, be detroyed by this disease and it is an illness and disease. Unless he seeks help and I do not mean to be hard, then your life will be ruined and there is nothing you can do except hope and pray they see the light. If they do seek help they must never step inside a place where they can gamble. I wish to god there was an easy solution to get a gambler to realise but if they will not admit they have a problem then nothing can be done, until the time when they are at the end of the road and the only way is to get help and ACKOWLEDGE the problem they have and they have the chance to turn their lives around and it is never too late.

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