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One thing that makes me feel...
#1
I havent gambled for so so long now that sometimes it makes me so worried. Its been four years nearly but the temptation is always always there.

I was a right idiot before always a loser, loosing more and more and getting myself in a total situation week to week.

Every week i would say next week pay day not to worry, wont bet again and in action i would soon be there chasing, loosing, it wasnt a life.

Last week I was busy on business as i always keep myself but on the sunday i had some free time, I walked the streets not wishing to spend any money (as I dont want to fail in business) and saw the bookies I felt the intrigue come to my mind, the pause, the flash in the brain to go inside, i was an inch from the edge of the cliff with no-one to catch me.

Fortunately my absitinence has been so long that the stronger voice of optimism made me find an alternative to my boredom and I duly bought some trainers (I has no sports clothes) returned to my hotel and went for a workout instead.

The rest of the day with my "brush with failure" was locked inside my room awaiting an angel to return (my gf) who I have had the courage to tell I once had a problem with gambling but no longer do it and we went for dinner.

My family and even myself used to think it will be one hard woman who takes care of me, because I was messy in life and everything but through abstinence I have found a new way, a new courage, a new determination.

I was even mightely insecure years ago but now those insecurities blend into insignificance as my gambling was escapism also. I was never wonderfully handsome but had the gift of charm with the ladies, I was a worrier, a person seen as a player of distinct proportions, not settled, not relaxed, floating like a butterfly always doing this or doing that, never settled.

In the past four years I have seen it all, lost love, no money, hard times, but I have grown as a person, now im fighting for life, fighting to be respectable, fighting with a purpose and direction.

In this four years its allowed me to become less judgemental, less hypocrytical and a much more balanced individual striving for chances to be stronger and better.

My language, my self control and understanding of myself has grown. Yes things annoy me, yes I get wound up, but i dont take my anger out on those around me and most important I dont hurt myself.

For all those who believe there situation is bad and they have no chance, you have, its one day away, one day at a time, step by step, as long as that step is forward.

Tommorow I will clean out my car and get it fixed and the next day do something positive also why because god granted me the serenity to accept the things I couldnt change the courage to change the things I could and the wisdom to know the difference.

Its a very simple saying but this is etched in my brain forever thanks to GA and one day at a time I will succeed.

comments please.
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#2
Hi Barrie, There are a few questions I would like to ask you if you don't mind. Do you attend GA meetings on a regular basis? For some reason I don't think you do, and another reason is that when you answer a post you always sign off with 'Good Luck'!! I will never use those two words ever again as towards the end of my lifelong gambling career anyone who said that to me I felt like slapping (the old aggressive me) lol. Besides that Barrie I always get a lot out of your advice to other people and hopefully you have helped many.
In my recovery this time around I feel the urge no longer there but like you know that it can catch us unawares and just one little thing could send us back to a life of misery and for me death.
Best wishes Barrie and keep up your good work helping others.
Helen
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#3
Helen,
Very, very attentive of you and, firstly, thank you for praising me for helping others. It gives me a sense of wellbeing to do so. No, I don't attend GA meetings anymore, but it was those meetings that brought me to my path because I undertsand the effect and also how difficult it is to live "day by day" and get to the meeting with a small grin on your face to say those words: "my name is Barrie I am a compulsive gambler and this week I didn't gamble".

My circumstances though meant I didn't abstain more than 9 months on the programme and this was entirely due to the fact I had a partner to control cash.

That was 7 years ago. 4 yrs ago I made a huge change to my life and in part that was to stop gambling. The GA meeting is however my home....my mecca....my sanity...they always say you will always go back to your home one day.

To give me strength in this "Sad World" where much is valued on "Money"...much is valued on "possesions", I lived through very tough times so think from my heart...and speak with my mind.

It's a "greater purpose" for me to live a decent path....so day by day I don't gamble......

You say about me signing off with "good Luck"...there is a reason for me using this expression and I know it's the most commonly used term by someone talking to someone having a bet....but here's my logic!!

In the UK, you switch on the TV and its gambling shoved down your throats...you open the newspaper to have your daily read and its odds, odds, odds...Lottery Headline....you listen to any radio channel and it's in daily topics, you go to work and its raffle, you watch your football team and its "betting" accross their shirts...you cannot escape the onslaught of reminders...

No one ever said "good luck" to me because I hated gambling....when I gambled I didn't do it to win, I did it for all out destruction - no luck involved....I learnt one thing "you create your own luck".....

To sign off "good Luck" is because if people want to bet it's simple: "they bet" if they dont then "they dont", if something is killing you then you don't do it...it's about barriers to the above onslaught and I put a huge huge one in the way of me....believe me.

Life is about choices....and the hardest one that I needed the most "good luck" to do was to say enough was enough.....and even when things go against me and I have "bad Luck" I know it is "good Luck" that i didn't make it worse by gambling.

Ill post my story..so the world can read, then you will understand me...

B
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#4
Hi Barrie
It's not my luck that needs to change - it's me!
Regards
Matt
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#5
Barrie, One of me defects of character is being judgemental, firstly because of my big fat ego and secondly because it makes me feel better about myself. It's something that I need to work on more and could be a destroyer if ignored. Thank's for the reminder. You just keep on doing what your are doing and carry the 12th step to other sufferers. If you ever get the chance to come out to Australia let me know and I will introduced you to some of our meetings.
You Take care and God Bless
Helen
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#6
Helen,
Dont complain for yourself about Ego...Im of the same metal thinking. If I get to Australia which I very much hope I will I hope I can meet you..stay in touch and keep living "one day at a time"

b
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