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The Importance of accepting and understanding step one.
My name is Dave. I am a compulsive Gambler ! Today my pains from my past are being nurtured and healed, my fears willingly faced and frustrations resolved by accepting the understanding of the serenity wisdom and I live a much healthier spiritual life today, I am healthier and stronger in myself than ever before in my life simply JUST one day at a time.
For me it took me over 22 years to learn to listen and understand what the spiritual recovery program was all about.
22 years represents over 35% of my life in order to learn to listen and then listen to learn. Can I say it was due to the fact I was a little thick? Or maybe I could not trust anyone or anything including myself?
Step one is simple enough honesty surrender acceptance and the most important part for me understanding why my life was unmanageable due to my emotions and feelings?
Over time I use to gamble because I could not cope with feelings of pain fear frustrations loneliness or boredom. Now that sounds simple enough today.
I also learned that I feared aggression and confrontation which for me is another person transferring their pain fear and or frustrations on to me.
That is what my mother and father use to do when I was a very little child, in fact my father used the buckle end of his belt to transfer his pain fear frustrations on to me and my mother.
I do not remember him doing those things to me yet my mother assures me it happened.
Why can I not recall those memories well I was very good at blanking out painful and traumatic experiences I could not cope with and made good use of suppressing during the remainder of my life.
There was a good expression I heard recently that when in action I use to numb out, I have heard it before and it is very appropriate expression.
In numbing out does that mean I use to numb out the pain I was causing myself when in action, or was I in fact numbing out those feeling I had before I went to my addiction and obsessive ways.
I often found I was on adrenaline rush when in action, people often refer to this adrenaline rush as the buzz. People often say if there is not enough money they do not get the adrenaline rush.
Is it the amount of money or is it more about what you are putting at risk when you put your rent mortgage food money on that next bet?
For me when in action I was on adrenaline rush and was living in fear, yet once the money was gone there was that crashing feeling of knowing I had made things much worse for myself and the ones I was suppose to love once more.
At times I felt they did not deserve to be made victims of my actions and use to think that I did not deserve to be loved by any one not even my family.
Could I admit to myself I was a sick person? What defines a sick person? What is an emotional illness? How can a person go against their own conscience and then afterwards try to justify the pain I caused others?
How long to absorb and fully understand step one? How long to learn that my life was not unmanageable because of the money or the gambling, life was unmanageable due to fact I could not cope with my emotions and feelings of pain fear and or frustrations.
In time I would learn that I did most things resentfully, I did things out of duty, I did things out of guilt or shame, I did things reluctantly and then I realized if I do not do things for healthy and the right reasons I cheat myself.
I even use to try and person please people and in doing so I was also cheating myself, I have given up most of the time trying to impress people it got me no where healthy.
Going to nine counselors did it help me in any way? Yes some more than others, one person helped me find out a lot about myself and helped me go back to my abandoned child and deal with emotional and physical pain not resolved before.
One counselor fell asleep on me twice I found myself laughing because one of my issues was I was unable to sleep properly, and there he was sleeping on me quite ironic?
I have an appointment with counselor ten for my second visit next month, can I afford it? Most certainly not, yet it is a need to do thing.
I tried hypnosis a couple of times but it did not work out, to be honest I would crack up laughing, am I ready now yet time will tell?
I know today I am not willing to give up on myself; I am willing to learn from my mistakes, I am willing to be more honest and open than at any other time in my life.
Am I fearless as my healthy inner child use to be? Am I as excited as my healthy inner child use to be? Am I as creative and able to open my mind to several opportunities as never before as my healthy inner child use to be?
Can I laugh at myself today? Can I say I have forgiven myself today? Can I say that I no longer feel guilty or shame due to my unhealthy actions in the past? Is gambling one of the least important things in my life today?
The gambling establishments never hurt me I did it to myself. The gambling establishments never stole from my family I did. The gambling establishments never lied and made my family cry I did. The gambling establishments never let my family down I did.
Do I understand today the deeper reasons behind each one of the spiritual values and actions today, that each spiritual value embraced is important in to my character building such as healthy unconditional loving unconditional giving forgiving apologizing caring trusting trust worthy patience tolerance humility sincere honest faithful loyal optimistic self assured and well self balanced punctual courteous respectful considerate grateful content productive creative constructive nurturing sharing encouraging optimistic cooperative aware content stable humble open minded self confident calm proud love and serene.
How much time energy and effort am I willing to invest and put in to my recovery today? Am I selfish today? To right I am.
Love and peace to everyone.
I found myself getting deeper and deeper into your post with "undersanding". I can recollect as a child my fathers anger, I can recollect me taking out my frustration on me, I can understand what that "adrenalin rush" is about.

My father would hit me with planks of wood, many times punched me, one time kicked me across a garden. During my early days of reflection, counselling, I would tell him, remind him of these things, punish him like I punished myself.

Now however a long time free from gambling I dont punish him for his frustrations as I punsihed myself for mine also. Instead wisdom arrives in a form of courage, courage that this was only past, my counselling is in my own mind.

Life is not easy for anyone especially with Children, especially with money issues, especially when life cannot always be as we want it. My head is no longer messy of thoughts circulating around resentment, thoughts of what a nice person i would have been my father had understood me, but like me he has matured.

I matured through thought of a being the better person that I am. I now discuss good things with my father we have a healthy relationship and now as men we are able to discuss like men.

I really appreciated your post however.

Keep that positivity.


Once we understan victims born of victims and once I was able to not unly understand but also process my pain in ahealthy way I came to a point where I told my mother than nomatter what she did or say I will lover unconditonally, that left my mother stumped in having any thing to say and she knew I meant it and that my past would no longer hinder our realtionship today or in the future.

Just because I am honest today does not mean the world is ready for my inner childs honesty, just because I am not angry today does not mean people around me have processed their feeling in a healthy way yet?

Love and peace to everyone

Barrieexgambler Wrote:Dave,

You found your self getting deeper and deeper into your post with "undersanding".

It is good we can relate to each other history and expereinces.

I am pleased you matured and are being the better healthier person you can be now.

It is good you discuss things with your father and you have a healthy relationship and now as men we are able to discuss like men.

I really appreciated your post however.

Keep that positivity.


Hi Barrie

Thank you for your comments

It is very clear to me and obvious that such behavior is unhealthy by transfering my pains fears and frsutrations on to other people or on to to teh people I am suppose to love.

Step one is a boundary and getting spiritually stronger is a boundary to say such behavior is no longer acceptable.

To move myself from feeling like a victim I needed to learn to have a voice from peace and be able to express myself in a healthy way.

To understand actions and consequences.

In being in GA fro soem time tehy are still people who will and try to control and regulate other people because even though they are not gambling they still are very inept inadequate insecure people who have not found the healthy way of living.

I thank you for being so open and exposing your self in such a strong way.

I am glad that the paths of communication and spirtual interactions is a way of life for you and your father.

Well done

I really appreciated your post however.

Love and peace

Hi Jessica

I am glad you can be so open in talking about how you feel and of your past.

That is a strength.

Once I understood when I felt most vulnerable and exchanged unhealthy habits for healthy habits I then understood the addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms.

It is sad that I use to talk about peace but never felt at peace with myself.

I had been able to become my own worst enemy and did not know it?

I am not willing to abuse myself today physically or emotionally.



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