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In feeling angry guilty shameful and resentful I hurt myself
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! Today my pains from my past are being nurtured and healed, my fears willingly faced and frustrations resolved by accepting the understanding of the serenity wisdom and I live a much healthier spiritual life today, I am healthier and stronger in myself than ever before in my life simply JUST one day at a time.

The recovery program is a spiritual program that helps me help myself become a much healthier person in myself. One can find recovery even though they are not religious people. The program works for any one that is willing to work the spiritual recovery program.

I was angry and resentful long before I walked in to the spiritual recovery program, when I am angry I hurt myself, when I am angry I know that I am not healing pain in a healthy way.

When I am feeling guilty or shame I know that I am not healing pain in a healthy way. Guilt or Shame is living in the pains of my past.

Anger is a consequence of feelings of pain fear or frustrations and in the old day I did not have a clue how to process my pain my fear or my frustrations, I felt I had no choice but to continue living that way.

Even if I clever enough to hide my pains my fear or my frustrations sadly it affected the relationship I had with myself and adversely affected the relationship I had with other people.

Yet we are clever creatures we can lie to our self and say we have forgiven and processed my pains my fear or my frustrations, yet someone asks us to do something for them with in a split second we will have several reasons why we cannot do thing for people. That is the truth.

Guilt shame resentments are all living in the pains of our past, guilt is a consequence of us causing pain to a person or a creature, shame can be a consequence of us causing pain to a person or a creature or can be someone else that caused a family member pain, resentments is reliving pain that someone caused us intentionally or otherwise.

If we continue reliving in pain and resentments then over time it turns to vengeful thoughts and often people will say they want justice but the truth is we want people to suffer more pain than we are in our self.

When we were born we had spiritual values and one of them was nurturing and healing pains, if ever you see two children and one gets hurt the other child who caused hurt will give the one in pain a hug and may ever kiss them and then smile and any pain is resolved.

Sadly as we mature we lose the ability to heal and nurture pain and they turn into resentments and we lose trust in other and lose trust in our self.

Eventually I became my own worst enemy, I hurt myself and hurt others, and I even went against my own conscience and against spiritual values yet would justify my unhealthy actions.

I now know I am not stupid dumb evil bad right or wrong in those days I had become a very unhealthy person.

If I had reached a point in my life where I could not love care trust respect myself then I could not love care trust respect all other people.

Money and gambling became the most important things in my life, because when I could not cope emotionally with pain fear frustrations loneliness or boredom I went and escaped to my gambling.

Gambling was very much fear based, the bigger the risk the bigger the buzz, there was never a problem resolved in my life by gambling, when I gambled I just made things much worse.

In time I over came my fears and faced them, why would I not be honest and tell people what I had done and who I had become?

Because in my child hood every time I was honest I was caused physical or emotional pain by people I was honest with, even in recovery I feared people the truth in case they would not longer love me, was that an abandonment issues form my child hood?

How many times was I told that if I did not do certain things mummy or daddy would not love me anymore? Do I learn to person please because of that unhealthy way of controlling and programming a child?

In the spiritual rooms of recovery I learned to be more and more honest, no one caused me pain for my honesty, no one judged me, and overtime I got to recognize myself in others. Both the healthy and unhealthy.

Abstaining on its own was not enough then and is not enough on its own today for me; I both want and need to grow in spiritual ways, to interact with all people without fears.

Over the forty years I have been in recovery people know that I have tried to kill someone, they know I have been in prison, they know I have caused my family pain and caused them to cry.

To this day I do not know how many times Shirley my wife went to bed crying because of how cruel I was towards her, no matter how many times she told me it was the lies that hurt her I would not or could not listen.

Today is money and gambling my main focus in life? No gambling is in the position I use to be in lower than dog crap, I have moved from feeling like dog crap to being number one importance in my life.

Money is less important than I am less important than my family and my friends; money just gives you more choices. Money never resolved any emotional issues.

Even when I had debts I thought that by paying debts off would make me happy, not the case paying debts back just made my life less stressful.

One of the common things is for people to abstain and stay focused on lack of money in fact people become obsessed about money, I think it is just another way of deviating from facing and resolving our deep seated feelings.

For me being angry is not healthy thing to do, it causes both physical and emotional stress up on myself, being angry is when I became aggressive and confrontational and when I did that I damaged relationships with myself and with other people.

For me recovery helps me live for today only, not live in the pains of the past and to not worry about my tomorrows, to use all my energy to be the healthiest person I can be today.

When I do things today they are unconditional, I do things for other people because it gives me pleasure doing it, I owe no one and no one owes me for acts of kindness.

When I did things conditionally and I had expectations of others I was always disappointed, when I did things out of duty I was only cheating myself, when I did things out of guilt or shame I was only cheating myself, when I did things resentfully I was only cheating myself.

The recovery program only worked for me when I did it for myself, the idea of recovery is that other people help me help myself; it is by my own actions that I become healthier.

In time I would learn what my wants and needs were, and fulfill my wants and needs in a healthy way.

Love and peace to everyone.


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