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Being a partner of Gambler
Hi All,

I am posting this message as I feel like I really need to talk to someone and get this off my chest. My husband's been heavily into gambling on the horses for the last 3 years. realised about a year and half ago that he had a real problem but he has been unable to see it.

I have had to put up with him taking money from my bank account, gambling our mortgage money and just getting paid from work and spending his wages within about a week.

Also he's not the man i met 10 years ago. He's moody and becioming very scary when he's had a drink.

I told him about 3 weeks ago that it was all over and I couldn't take any more. From this, he now reckons he's finally seen that he's got a problem and he is not wanting to lose me and our little girl.

He's since joined a GA meeting and his attitude seems to have change.

The problem now is me! I don't trust him and feel so angry and hurt about what's gone on i just don't seem to be able to get the mindset that because he's now at GA I have to forgive and forget all. I guess what I am asking is how did all you other partners handle things? I am truly struggling!! I feel bad as i know he needs my support but on the other hand a lot of damage as been done.

I look forward to receiving your stories.


Hi Debbie,
I will try to explain and that is difficult as your not a compulsive gambler. Please dont take that sentiment the wrong way because I am going to try to help you in this post.

There is a group also called gamanon for those who have issues with partners or loved ones to understand how others feel.

I will make statements in this post that you may not understand or want to comprehend but they serve a purpose to help.

Firstly your husband and I share the same affliction we are "compulsive gamblers" in that we never understand why we gamble, we know we hurt this around us but whilst in action (gambling) we are in freefall to stop until we have a trigger to stop, we become devious, we lie, we dream and we although we know we dont wish to be like this we hurt the people closest to us.

8years ago I was a lovong doting wonderfull father adored by my child but a compulsive gambler still in action. I went to GA after an argument also (your bringing painful memories back) and In GA I found there was hope, there was a way in which to live.

I wont explain to you the GA programme neither will I ask you to trust your husband unfortunately he is always going to be a compulsive gambler but you must be the strong one now to guide in this new life he has chosen to undertake.

In this you need to control the finances which for any man to accept is very difficult indeed, but this will help him. His attention needs to re-focus on you and your daughter and the meetings.

try to understand that you must notice signs from now on trust where you can and keep control of the financial aspect of life.

If you can try to go to a gamanon meeting.

Do not blame yourself.

My name is Barrie and I will always be a compulisve gambler

I am in a very similar position to you. I found out my husband is a compulsive gambler a couple of weeks ago. He had been operating a secret bank accounts for 18 months and gambling thousands. He says Ive found out as hes had a big win so our position is even, but who knows, I am just waiting to find out about debts and loans.

He went into a treatment centre today - they says hes also codependent. That bit makes sense to me - that high is basically that he does over the top things to please others and the high is their positive reaction. He seems to think its his responsibility to save the world and every one in it (apart from us apparantly). Hes also spent thousands on others doing that, whilst were having to leave our home and move in with his parents so we can save for a proper family home. He puts himself down to the bottom of the pile and me down there with him most of the time and will do anything to make everyone around him love him and put him on a pedastool. When Ive questioned him hes guilt tripped me, made out I am being unreasonable, lied about it usually and done it anyway, and its crippling me.

Meanwhile hes also been having weekly massages, having his shoes cleaned at the ritz and lying about the lot. And Ive been saving every last penny.

Maybe Im lucky on whether weve got debts out there or not. But I dont trust a word he says to me. I dont even trust hes at the treatment centre for the right reasons - hes so desperate to please everyone and stay on his pedastool that the world puts him on I think hes probably just doing it for me and his parents. He even said to me this morning that he thinks hes beaten the gambling that its all under control and he doesnt want to do it at all. Sure its been a few weeks since hes had a bet (unless hes lying about that too) but I feel thats blatantly only because hes had a shock because weve all found out what hes doing. And he didnt tell me what he was doing, I caught him red handed with the 'secret' bank account.

The compulsive lying and the co-dependency on its own has been enough to drive me to the absolute edge. Ive spent the last three years thinking Ive been going mad as I keep thinking hes lying to me but he just denies it and denies it until I get angry and we argue and then I end up apologising for getting angry. Ive spent all this time thinking I am being dramatic and been unable to talk to the outside world about how devastated and confused I have been feeling. THe outside world sees him as so perfect and I genuinly think me as a demanding, neurotic and unreasonable wife as they also obviously see him doing over the top things to please me (none of them that I need or asked for but the outside world doesnt know that). This has been the loneliest time of my life.

I read the posts about support but my question is this. How far down this line do I go of him slowly but surely tearing me apart? How can I consider bringing kids into the world when I know hes already done some pretty bad things to get money - what kind of an example is that? What if he carries on and ends up in prison?

Hes in a treatment centre from today and I know those places are good, but I also know it will only work if he wants it to. How do I know if hes serious about this or is just saying all the right things and going through the motions? How do I know if he beats the gambling and codependency its not all going to come back in 5 years, 10 years time. Am I not taking the biggest risk of my life supporting him?

I love him and I really really believed he was my soulmate but I genuinly do not know who he is anymore. HOw do I know?

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