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Relapsed again...
I have wanted to post on this forum and I haven't had the courage to do so. <!-- s:oops: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_redface.gif" alt=":oops:" title="Embarrassed" /><!-- s:oops: -->
But I wanted to share my story with you and hopefully people will not judge me by it. <!-- sSad --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_sad.gif" alt="Sad" title="Sad" /><!-- sSad -->

How did this all start you may ask? It all started when at work I would go to the pub have lunch and play the fruit machine and then it wasn't a problem as I would only put in a couple of pounds. Sometimes I would put in double what the payout was in the machine. But if I didn't win I would walk away. If I stuck with this then I would have been okay.

But alas one day I went with a friend to the local bookmakers and we found a fruit machine that usually paid out when we went at the end of work. One day I played it and needed to get more change so whilst I did that my so called mates went on the machine and won the money I put in it plus the jackpot. Of course I got angry and then I started playing the roulette machine though I didn't win it was just the beginning of my road to ruin.

Over the next 2-3 years I would continue to play these "devil" machines and often thought I would be able to beat them. A lot of time was wasted when I could have improved myself and my chances of job promotion yet I would chase the elusive payouts. It got to the point where I had emptied my savings accounts and maxed out 2 credit cards to this addiction. I had even sold my car to fund this addiction and borrowed money off my brother. Of course it all came to a head when my parents asked me to help another brother with a deposit and the extent of the problem was revealed.

My parents were disappointed especially my mother but they did help me clear the credit cards and I managed to save a little to help with the deposit. At that point I had cut up my credit cards and they gave me back my bank cards. I then changed jobs and though I relapsed a few times after that it was never to the same extent.

3 years ago my parents business which was leased was up for renewal and the tenant did not want to renew. They asked me to come back to take over the business and after looking at the positive and negatives. I agreed thinking that I would make more money and the decision was purely financial.

It has been a hard 3 years of course due to the recession and rising costs of materials etc. What even made it worse was the fact that I wasn't even making much money. My parents were in control of the financial side of things and would only give me a little amount for expenses less than the minimum wage per week. They wanted me to save this money but initially not going out I managed to save a bit.

But when I met someone and I was spending more than my outgoings I found it difficult to ask them for money as they objected to this new relationship. I was in control of a account for my brother as he had moved overseas and I started to borrow money and repay it back when I could. I then started to play the "devil" machines again and before I knew it I managed to blow all I had left and started dipping too much from the brothers account.

It got to the extent now that today my mother wanted to check the account and I'm afraid that it will not be good news.

I suppose there will be people that would say that I should go to GA meetings or that counseling will help but I think it will be difficult as the nearest GA meeting is 20 miles away and any transport there will be expensive. I have contacted another organisation who have suggested counseling and perhaps I will take them up on that as I think there are some other underlying issues.

I also think it is the fact that I am not in control of my life which is the major factor of why I started again. I have to work 6 days a week 12 hours a day and for little reward. I know this is no justification for what I did but also the fact that they like to control my life by telling me who to see or not to see.

Hopefully there will be a light at the end of the tunnel... <!-- sSad --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_sad.gif" alt="Sad" title="Sad" /><!-- sSad -->
All you're doing is basically finding any old excuse to prevent helping yourself. See what it's doing to your family, your so called loved ones and get help! 20miles is nothing... I would literally run that if it meant saving the relationships with all my loved ones so you need to question that. Yes, this is harsh but you need it. You're ruining your life and you say you have no control and that's good, what would you do if you saw every penny you earnt?
You have a serious problem. Relapses aren't something to laugh about, you will ruin your life and end up homeless with no one. If you want that, then carry on.
hi i just want to echo what dave said i go manchester meeting no car just buses and trams 3 4 times a week to stop gambling as for so called friend i would of done the same think if hohhnest you would to.through gambling i stole violence
lied cheated i dont do that now.get help good luck geoff.

Underlying issues.............thats what all compulsive gamblers say at some point in their gambling. We all have underlying issues, not all gamble.

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