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Need to Stop!
#1
Allen,
It takes a big man to admit they have a problem and a bigger man to do something about it.

Go to GA and follow the programme of recovery, I can promiss you that the rest will fix itself day by day.

I would hate to be in a situation where I had three children and a wife and finally realise I have a major issue.

The first step is admission, the next GA, the change in character you will not believe and your family I am sure will have better days ahead.

I can clearly remember the first day I attended GA and I can also remember how much courage it took to begin to change my life for the better.

Best wishes take my advice and find the nearest meeting and in the meanwhile ensure your wife has all access to cash.

You will not solve your issues by gambling only compound them.

It took me a long time to realise this and step by step I am doing my best to get strong.

Take Care

Barrie
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#2
Hi All,

I am a wife of a compulsive gambler and i found out how serious it was last saturday when i opened a bank statement and seen how much debt my husband had got us into with out my knowledge........it broke my heart. I asked myself how he could do this to me and my son, put is through it, it was so out of character as i really beleive that we are his life, so how could he lie to us and watch me struggle every month with money.

I decided i was gonna end things and packed a bag to leave but before i did this i called his father to explain what he had done, my father in law was very sympathetic towards my husband which annoyed me but he told me that this must be a serious illness that needed treated. For thr rest of the day i thought long and hard about what i was gonna do and if this really was a illness it needed treated, i called GA and started reading these forums. I have a better understanding of things now and we as a family are taking the steps needed to help my husband.

What i am saying is leaving your wife and family is a bad idea, you need to try help her understand what this is. I am still finding this difficult to understand but if my husband left me rather than asking for my help i would be deverstated, we need each other if we are gonna sort this. I realise its going to be a difficult road ahead but i made vows and it means something. As for the debt we are in, its not nice but at the end of the day it will be payed off one day, marrige is for life, try letting her in before you leave xxxx
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#3
Hi this is a reply to Cayhill,
I note from you post you have taken it upon yourself to ready through this website to get an understanding of the desease and firstly I would say that is more couragious than walking out of the door.

Marriage is a sanctity and I always believe that however I am a compulsive gambler so I have a different perspective on your post that i would like to share.

From your post you have no mention of "I have confronted my husband about the issue and he WILL attend GA and I will control the finances".

See this is a pretty important factor.

I need you to understand how thisgs MUST be and also what will go through your husbands mine as ultimately it is him with this desease not you.

From your side step 1 and it is a huge step you must insist to your husband going to the nearest GA meeting, this will be his side to a better life. From your side you must take control of the finances.

I am 1000% sure as a compulsive gambler that all the things you think you know about what the situation is are actually untrue...be aware there maybe a lot more.

Once your husband has attended this meeting it does not say "hey he is cured!!" it will take constant meetings and constant diligence from yourself to ensure you have a better life.

I am not saying for you to be a monster when it comes to trust...just to accept and to gain his acceptance also that he has caused untold damage and the only way to repair this damage is slowly and by him accepting some terms.

I am a proud man, that means I dont like to just have "pocket money" but when it comes to being a compulsive gambler this is essential to a road to recovery.

I dont wish to digress other peoples situations but what I will say is this:

For four years I have lived my life very much off gambling, day by day, I felt my strength was very good, never going to gamble again and believe me when I say it did huge damage to me.

Three months ago I got into a situation where I started to gamble, a small step at first, just a few quid that i could afford, within one week that had spiralled into constantly thinking about gambling and it gripping me once more.

I was fortunate as I called a fellow GA member and his words promted me to stop!! here I am now again three months into my recovery but that very same member who I am in constant dialogue with (part of the fellowship!) had a slip and went hard at it again, fortunately my dialogue with him he has now stopped again.

I have seen many members come and go, many who have failed. This desease takes no prisoners at all.

I hope you and your husband help together to defeat this desease.

Best wishes

Barrie
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#4
Hi Barrie,

Thank you for your reply. Yes he attended his 2nd GA meeting last Tuesday and im very happy to say it went alot better than the 1st i think because he knew what to expect and he was ready he open up. He was beaming when i picked him up as i think it was a huge relief to be able to share so many things wif people who understood.

I have taken control of the finances and paying back the money that he borrowed even though its gonna take a while. As for the "pocket money" we have agreed to that 2, he was more than pleased the other day though when i received some tips from work and gave him some, he said he felt like it was the first step in me believing how desperate he was to stop and that i showed some trust but yet he wanted me to know what he had spent every penny on. I do believe him that he has stopped as i hope now if he feels like he wants to again he can ask for my help rather than lie behind my back.

I will "insist" he keeps going to the GA meetings as this is a condition on my terms and i hope he continues to get something from it.

Thanks again
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#5
Hey cayhill,
That is great news and thankyou very much for the update. I am going to follow this up by adding something to this and it is important that you remember this. Firstly I am happy to know someone has found a higher path and that is in turn making you much happier also.

Word however of caution as I remember this time in my life very clearly also...ie my first steps in GA. As the weeks went by/months in fact to arrive at a meeting to say the words "my name is Barrie and I have not gambled" gave me a huge sense of pride...this I said weekly for 6months. Slowly as I changed also the trust from my then fiancee changed and I missed a meeting, went away on business and really messed up, I call this "complacency" or "taking the desease for granted"

I got back on the programme but with her mind distracted for Christmas I really messed up some months later, it was the straw that broke the camels back and she soon left me.

Whilst I sit here writing this after 4yrs free with one slip to mention and believe me I have rebuilt my life the hard and lonely way I urge you to be aware of complacency.

See for you to be so used to the misery surrounded with living with a compulsive gambler to have the ecstasy of a suddenly changed man you also could become complacent.

I will only say to you I have seen many many people come and go from meetings never to return, back in the old rut of gambling and feeling there lives were normal that keep the meetings, make sure he keeps understanding and reading the orange book and at the first few signs of a sudden change, you must question this.

I am not trying to dampen your spirits and positivity towards him just trying to ensure his dedication to the fellowship, friends it brings and "new life" it brings doesnt change.

If you should after this continues decide to even have a holiday then his strength against this desease will wain. The first place to go on return is a meeting.

That all said and done please congratulate him from another CG that is now taking the 12th step and in that trying to help others to keep this devastating desease at bay on the fact he had the courage to go to GA.

I hope the GA programme, yourself and your children become his focus from now on and with the help, guidance and support of GA you will both lead very happy lives.

Best Wishes.

Barrie
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