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Could pains of my past adversely affect my spiritual growth
#1
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler and will be a compulsive Gambler till the day I DIE! Today my pains from my past are healed and nurtured, my fears willingly faced and frustrations resolved by willingly accepting the serenity prayer and I live a much healthier spiritual life today, I am healthier and stronger in myself than ever before in my life simply JUST one day at a time.

The consequences of all pains during my life are fears, in time I started to look at my life and understand where my emotional pain and fear issues really started in my life when life became unmanageable emoitonally.

For the first 10% of my life I suffered emotional abuse and physical abuse

For the next 10% of my life I suffered emotional abuse physical abuse and sexual abuse.

During the second 10% of my life I was rebellious risk taking and doing naughty things and had lost the ability to care for myself and absorb and understand basic education methods. I was emotionally stunted and wanted to escape any kind of physical or emotional pain.

During the second 10% of my life I Could not heal and nurture my pains I could not face my fears, I could not understand why I felt so frustrated.

I went to bed one night as a teenager taking things which I knew would end my life, I told no one I just wanted my life to end and the pain to end.

Sadly I woke up the next morning feeling even more of a complete failure, and my pain was still there.

At that early point in my life I did not care about myself or value myself so how could I value or respect other people? I even felt somehow responsible because people were doing these things to me.

I also internalized other peoples pains fears and frustrations, I felt like in some way I was responsible for how they felt, this may have been due to me internalizing my mother and my father’s pains fear and frustrations.

At the first 30% of my life I found escape in one way or another, (hiding in cupboards for the second 10% of my life), I had learned to put up a facade and was different person with different people. Yet could not acknowledge that fact until well in to my recovery.

There is no doubt in my mind I had been hurt and betrayed and was not able to give of myself or trust myself or other people any more for most of my life.

For me recovery only came about once I was willing to admit that I had become an unhealthy spiritual person. That over time I had justified going against my own conscience and betrayed peoples trust of me, I had lied to them, I had became unreliable, I was not a healthy person, I was not a healthy husband, I was not a healthy father, I was not a healthy son.

In time I would recognize that for most of my life I learned to bury and suppress any pains I could not cope with, I avoided facing my fears, and did not have a clue why I got so frustrated so easily.

For me anyone can find the healing nurturing and recovery even if they are not a religious people. The program works for anyone who is willing to work the spiritual recovery program.

The wording in red book step three stated “Gamblers anonymous is a spiritual program, not a religious fellowship.” It is not mentioned often enough about recovery being a spiritual recovery program.

Today was another day where I was able to do slightly more, the radiation burns are still troubling and do not have the operation date as yet but am willing to be patient about it.

Once I abstained I was still emotionally detached to the gambling establishments. Over time I would be able to not fear them, and understand they are like any other money business.

In the old days I use to be angry at certain dealers why, is it their fault I picked the wrong numbers or the wrong table?

The truth was I wanted to blame every one for how I use to feel. I even wanted to blame every one for when I did unhealthy actions.

The truth about the spiritual recovery program it asks me to change for the better, yet it can only happen once I am willing to change willingly.

I understand that anger is me reacting to pain fear frustrations and that only once I am able to be at peace with myself can I be at peace with the world.

It had become a regular habit to bury and suppress pain and not heal my pains, so what happened I became more over sensitive, I also became very confused because I did not want to react that way anymore.

A lot of people comment that they are scared away by the mention of religion or God; some people are scared away by people trying to manipulate them or scare them in to doing things they are not ready to do.

I use to think that the recovery program was limiting me, that feeling was due to the fact I felt so inept inadequate and insecure.

In time I would learn the recovery spiritual healing program was going to empower me to do more with my life.

Fear and panic use to inhibit from me from living a full productive life.

By living in pain and fear made it such that I could not love and give of myself unconditionally and I am not talking anything about anything sexual.

In time the recovery spiritual healing program would help me think more clearly and think for myself, yet the biggest impact was in how I felt about myself and with life.

Do I understand today the deeper reasons behind each one of the healthy spiritual values in my steps today, that each spiritual value embraced is important to my character building such as healthy unconditional loving unconditional giving forgiving apologizing caring trusting am I trust worthy patience tolerance humility sincere honest faithful loyal optimistic self assured and well self balanced punctual courteous respectful considerate grateful content productive creative constructive nurturing sharing encouraging optimistic cooperative aware content stable humble open minded self confident calm proud loving and serene.

I am willing to face all of my fears today.

I am willing to change from my reaction to people events to be able to interact in a much healthier way.

I am willing to embrace questions and learn from my own answers, I may not be able to honest first of all but give me time to not deviate any more.

I am willing to care even more about myself today, I am willing to be very completely selfish about my spiritual healing recovery today, and I am not willing to slip back to unhealthy living today.

Today I am an equal to all people in recovery not just in GA even equal to the person that had their last bet today or yesterday I am equal to them, we all face the same world and the same kind of people each day.

How selfish am I willing to be in my recovery today?

My steel is being tested each day and I understand why because it is all character building?

Each day I am a student who is willing to listen and learn what is healthy and what is unhealthy and do something about it.

Recovery only started for me only once I abstained from all of my unhealthy habits.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave
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#2
That has to be one of the most thought provoking things iv read in a while and its a place id love to get to.i can relate to it all and the spiritual healing and the place where you are within yourself is something i can only dream of at the moment.one day at a time i hope to get there.x
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#3
Hi

Thank you Big Dave and Cleo for responding.

The fact you can relate to me indicates that I am communicating both my expereince and feelings to other people.

Even after my time in recovery I understand that today I am still astudent and able to be open minded.

Recovery is not about wording like right wrong bad evil dumb stupid it is about understanding what is healthy and unhealthy in our life and in our actions.

I wanted to be a normal person at one time what ever that is, now I understand normal is not very spiritually healthy.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave
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#4
Thank you for your comments

In talking from the heart helps people understand we can all live our life with out fear holding us back.

Love

Dave
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