Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Cry for help
I attended a GA meeting with my husband last night. He walked in so pompous - of course he is far superior than anyone there. There they all were - young, old, rich and poor - but all far superior to him as they were all honest.
I was invited to sit in with them -
John made me go in, I think to prove to me how his problems were nothing like the other members.
They ripped him apart, but with kindness - He cried and cried and then I left the room.
I was waiting outside, and during the break, several people came to offer me support. I talked of my hatred for him and no-one denied me the chance of that.
John remained inside with some others - this really suprised me as I thought he would have been the first one out of the door.
I was invited back in to listen in on how to deal with money - John agrees that I must have control over every penny.
I must get a safe or lockable money box and give him exactly what he needs for his petrol. He cannot even have lunch money, it must be sandwiches for work as he will gamble it and not eat.
At the end of the meeting, he was full of remorse and promises etc etc, but I do not want to listen to it anymore.
It will take more than one meeting, it will take a lifetime of meetings.
This morning he asked for some money for work with promises of bringing home receipts - well I don't hold out much hope.
It was good he hear when people last gambled - 9 months ago, 2 years ago and someone who has not gambled for 11 years but needs the meetings to keep him going - I really understand this, as they have a bond. Not a cult type thing, nor religeous, but strong friendships and support. Some discussing normal things like work and football.
I am finished here, but John now understands why. I cannot live with the options if he continues. I do not want to come home to find him hanging from the loft, badly beaten or put in prison.
One noticeable thing, when he left the meeting, the pompous scowling and filthy looks I have lived with for the last two years had gone. I am in no doubt this will return - but this meeting seemed to have brought something home for him.

Your post made me cry again - looks like we are kindred spirits.
I feel in a better place today - talking on here and attending the meeting last night. Don't get me wrong, I have no hopes of a future with him, but will support him as I need to leave with a clear conscious.
I don't owe him that, I am doing this for myself.
You should get yourself to a meeting - there is ususally a separate room for partners and friends. It helps to talk, and you need to.
I am going to carry on attending as I need to repair my confidence and self esteem.
I even found some comfort from the gamblers - which took me by surprise.
When I walked in, my stomach was turning with nerves. I felt so ashamed, worthless, paranoid and disgusted. I didn't want to cry again, but as you know, the tears came easy and uncontrallable.
There was no miracle but the tiniest bit of hope for my future. I went to work today and got through it. Considering I wanted to take my life on Saturday night, I cannot believe on a Tuesday morning, I am getting ready for work. I think attending the meeting helped. You need to talk and talk and talk it out - and take the reassurance that it is not your fault. Like you, I don't understand it and how someone can treat you with so much contempt and hatred.
I have been given some booklets to read, but have not touched them yet. Still hurts too much.
I know I have to keep going until I believe in myself again. I thought I was a strong person. I give advice for a living for goodness sake so how could I end up needing counselling - I know all the answers!
Well, I do deep down, and I know that although I am the one everyone comes to for help, I need to be able to accept the help myself.
Keep talking until you have covered every single memory, argument and secret that this has caused. I'm a fine one really to give advice because I know I will hold back on some things, so I know that it may take years.
You take care and get yourself well again.
I wont say much apart from you are a couragious woman and I hope after time and meetings some appreciation for what you have been through comes out of this.

Its not often I can empathise with a Loved one of a CG as I blame my ex, blame others but I am changing and I hope he does to.

Nessa keep strong...your doing something amazing and you will see this if he keeps attending, please try to keep understanding.


Funny how two complete strangers can have identicle life stories.
It was the jewellery and lies that got me too. I have given him back the remaining trinkets which funnily enough are the things he has bought me. He only sold the stuff my parents bought me and I am coming to realise that it was not a deliberate choice of items to steal, but the cold hard fact that it was worth more money.
The fact that you feel you cannot cope with going to a meeting, is all the more reason to go.
When things started going wrong for me, I broke down at work and of course my personality changed. I found myself telling colleagues some things (not the whole story and not the gambling side of it for I was too ashamed). The fact is, we work and live with all sorts of personalites and I found that a handful were sympathetic, some enjoyed the gossip that my life was falling apart, and unfortunately some thrived on the fact that their lives were so perfect! The old saying eh - you know who your friends are.
The guys and girls at the meeting - made no judgement and with everything confidential, I was able to say anything I wanted. I don't think I will be telling anyone else my troubles, family, friends and colleagues. I will keep it for the meeting - It is sort of locked away there until I want to attend again. There will be gossip at work, but this will die down and I will be able to walk in the tea room without it going suddenly quiet. This helps me to keep it together and yesterday at work, for the first time, I did not cry.
Today, I feel that I can get through work again without tears - I know this is not the end of it, but at the next meeting I will take the phone numbers of members (which they all offered and I declined) and when I get to breaking point, I will phone them. I feel safer doing this and like I said, I can lock it all away again.
I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do, but I like the fact that I deal with this when I want to, and not because family or friends have asked you how you are - and stirred up all the emotions.
Keep going Dizzy - please consider a meeting, I promise you, you cannot feel any worse than you do now.
This is not the big happy ending for me - every day is a struggle, I am at rock bottom, but I have realised that it will not get any worse. I am raw with emotion, empty and cold, but I have somewhere to take my secrets where I know they will never get out and this has made me feel a little safer xx

Thank you for your words of encouragement - they really mean so much to me.
Cannot get my head around the fact I am getting comfort from the enemy. Maybe the penny dropped and I have discoved that you are not enemies, but just unwell.
Taking one day at a time, still resenting the fact that I am seeking help for his problem, but find myself looking forward to next meeting.
Most of me wants to see him punished at these meetings, (The angry side) and resenting the fact that the meeting provided him with support.
Most of me hates the fact that his shoulders have dropped and he looks more relaxed.
All of me hates the fact he has slept well this week and eaten properly - for I wish I could.
A tiny piece of me understands -
I hate the fact that the balance of this will probably change, for I am a nice person really.
You guys (the ones I am trying to hate so much) have kept me going, and you will never know what you have done for me.xx
Wow, I can really empathise with both of you. between you you have described my life also. my partner too is in denial, he has been to see a counsellor this week but seems to think just because he has been there once everything is alright and we should go back to normal. What is normal, I can't even remember. I feel so sad and angry all the time. If he loves me why can't he just stop?

I too can't get him to go to a meeting, apparantly he is not like the people there as he works and has a mortgage (thanks to me I must say). He forgets that he doesn't even see any of his wages as it goes straight to the bookies as soon as he is paid.

I can't remember the last time he got me a present for my birthday without me being there as I can't even trust him with money for important things. All the bills come out of my bank as he can't leave any money in his, although now I am completly skint as he hasn't been giving me any of his wages towards the bills.

he is not interested in spending any time with me and certainly doesn't show me any affection. He is actually quite horrible to me most of the time, nearly every week he will sleep on the sofa at least once due to me 'nagging' about his gambling? I suppose I probably do a bit, I don't mean to, I am just so hurt and I know he will keep breaking my hear as he won't even go to any meetings.

call me a pesemist but without GA I don't think he will ever stop, he has been gambling too much for too long, he hardly even knows himself anymore let alone me know him.

This absoloutly breaks my heart, to the point where I can't stop crying most of the time, I hardly ever feel happy anymore, just constantly put a brave face on for our daughter. I love him so much but he loves gambling a lot more than he loves me and I firmly believe that no matter what he says.

It is always my fault, even though he gambled for 20yrs before he even met me! I always nag or go on or we argue which all makes him gamble?! He makes me feel worthless, like nothing I do is right. All I want to do is help him but he won't help himself, he needs GA why can't he see that?

I don't know what to do anymore, I keep thinking about moving out of our house until he can get himself sorted but am worried that he won't pay the mortgage and we will end up loosing the house. he refuses to move out, always thinking of others my partner!

i am starting to feel so angry towards him but I can't stop loving him, sometimes I wish I could so as it would be easier to leave him. I don't want to do that but he is constantly pushing me away, what am I stying for anymore, I am not happy and I don't think he will change??

God I wish this would all go away <!-- sSad --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_sad.gif" alt="Sad" title="Sad" /><!-- sSad -->
Have just read through all of the posts and am very sorry Nessa that you have been so hurt and affected by a compulsive gambler.
I am a female compulsive gambler in recovery and it has taken me a long time to realize how many people I hurt, including my late Mother. I robbed my only daughter of her teenage years and these things I can never get back or give back but Thank God I finally hit my rock bottom and got into the GA Program.
If anyone had treated me the way I had them when gambling I would have cut them out of my life without hesitation.
You have put up with enough Nessa and from reading your posts I believe you are a 'good' person, you do not need to be a victim to this disease any longer.
Unfortunately some people never get the help offered to them and they are the unfortunates that take this illness with them to their death. I will always be a compulsive gambler but can live my day as any 'normal' being by following a simple 12 step program.
Nessa you have been emotionally and probably physically damaged by your husband's gambling and you should get the appropriate help to overcome it. Never, ever blame yourself for someone else's addiction, sure, maybe you could have handled some things differently but us CG's are the sneakest, lowest and most deceitful human beings.
You take care of yourself and your young Son. Go treat yourself to a great hairstyle and buy a lovely new pair of shoes and hold your head high and I'm sorry that a compulsive gambler has hurt you so badly.

Forum Jump:

Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)