Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Do I have a problem still?
Hi I guess writing this is a way of seeking help, justifying me or perhaps admitting that I may need help. I am not sure! I just thought it may help me to put my experience down and get some feedback!
I have been on this web site now for an hour or so when I should really be working but have been gripped by some of the losses and stories of trouble in people’s lives. Seeing as I have not lost my partner, job, and house and still have money in my account I feel slightly silly and fraudulent writing this but am quite sure i have a problem and think I am seeking advice/confirmation from others.
I am 27 now and have gambled for 10 years. However for the last 4 I think I have been quite good!
I saw my friends playing fruit machines and thought they were ridiculous, we never had any money when i was growing up and i thought they were wasting money and that it had no value to them. At 17 I lost my wallet and my friend introduced me to slot machines. We won a small amount! I thought it was great. For the next 6 months i lost all of my money in them. I went to the fair and lost everything I had. I was spending 'X' amount in a fruit machine with only a 'x' amount jackpot and at the time worked 2 Saturdays and Sundays as I was at 6th form and it got to the point where i had already lost next week’s money and was ringing to book another shift to cover the losses I had just paid! At school I was classed as intelligent but how could this be intelligent behaviour? I remember Christmas that year my dad gave me money as a xmas present and I lost that by the time we had got back from the pub that night in a fruit machine! I think then up until the age of 21 I played fruit machines and lost probably 70% of my wages every week and then borrowed next week’s wages always living a week or 2 behind. It would get to the point where I would go out on a Saturday night and before I had drunk half a pint I would have lost that evenings drinking money in a fruit machine and could no longer afford a drink!
Then at 21 my dad introduced me to the casino! At the same time I was made redundant and within 3 months I had maxed out every credit card and was in big debt! I got a job within 2 months and I can remember 2 months in a row I lost a month’s wages on pay day. Even one day driving to visit someone 50 miles to meet them at 6pm and turning up there at 3am. I had gone via the casino and lost every penny i had just been paid for a month’s work in a job i hated. I think i had to borrow enough money for fuel to get home.
Not being near the casino anymore i started losing regularly in the bookies roulette machines. One day whilst walking home from my girlfriends to my house knowing by now it was not a good idea to go in the bookies i lost about a third of my wages. I think then I realised i had issues so she started managing my money and looking after cards. I think my gambling may have gone a bit quiet for approx. a year after that although I do remember taking a loan to go to newquay for the weekend as I had no access to any money as cards were maxed etc.
The only loss i can remember then was approx. 60% of months wages in one go when i was supposed to be at work and i wondered into town and found myself losing a silly sum of money within minutes. Going into the bank next door and making withdrawals over the counter as the cash card would not let me have any more.
I think i decided roulette was a mugs game and started playing internet poker in 2006! I still owed most of the debt i had run up a couple years ago but had a slightly better income and had given up my car as a way of saving money! For 6 months at my new job i was good as gold making an impact on the cards and winning at poker. I won quite a lot of money and had almost paid the cards up in full when I got greedy again and started playing higher stakes. I think i lost approx. over 2 month’s wages in single night! I also lost my holiday spending money just whilst i was waiting to be picked up to go to the airport! I remember thinking on the plane. I can’t wait to get back as my luck will change. What an awful holiday that was!
However then one day when my back was against the wall i nearly won a fortune. I am not being deluded here. You had to win 6 poker games in a row and i won 5 and came 2nd in the 6th!
I quit my job convinced i was now a professional poker player or with a little bit more practice could be!
15 hour internet poker stints and not really washing or going out were the norm for the next 3-4 months! Before long all the cards were maxed again and i owed at least a similar amount to 2 years previously. Well that was the loan i took out to pay it off anyway. My girlfriend was leaving me if I did not get a job and sort myself out. So that’s what I did. Within a couple of weeks! I took out a loan to pay that amount off within a year. Destroyed all my credit cards and decided gambling was not the way forward. I think I may have played online poker 3 more times that year for very small stakes and actually won. Life started getting good. We bought a house. I got a car (although from memory that was with the money i won from going to the casino with a little money i had left from the loan after paying off thousands. subconsciously I must have don’t that on purpose!!!) Now living together i had no cards although found internet banking useful. I was living in a new place so no longer wondered into the bookies, from the work i was doing I think I replaced the buzz for a while. I remember then after a year I lost a big bonus that i had looked forward to for so long in about an hour on line in mum’s living room. I don’t even know why i was there or why i was online. Still this was ok as it was my money! I wasn’t in debt and I could spend it what I wanted! I am 25 at this point!
A year later I went on stag do and needed cash card as i was the best man so ordered one. On the stag everything went fine and i lost no money, gambling was not even an option. Within 3 minutes of being back in the home town though I had gone to the bookies and within 20 minutes had lost the daily card limit! I snapped it up in the street and went home to my mums. I went online and started up a free poker account that gave me a small amount free. I decided that i would not gamble again.
I started playing roulette infrequently winning a few hundred pounds and then losing it in a couple of weeks but then focusing on work again and stopping. I had no internet access as a precaution and no cash card so i could not really do any damage!
I have been without a cash card now for 4 years. Recently though I have been enjoying horse racing 2-3 times this year and on line for fun i tell myself! For the buzz more like. It’s almost like as I’ve never done this before it is not betting! I earn a much better wage now and think losing a little here and there doesnt really matter. However. I opened up the accounts online with my girlfriend’s card and when we went away recently found myself with a card that was accepted in the casino and blew silly amount of money! This annoyed me on the holiday of a lifetime for 3 days!
Then this Saturday with all those online accounts open i managed to lose a small fortune when the sun was out and I could have gone out with friends for the day. I just could not stop and walk away! It’s never enough. I was winning but it was not enough! I wanted more! This was all done posing on the internet as my girlfriend using her card. I did not steal because as i was spending it i was transferring it into her account via internet banking. It must be wrong on some level though!
I am not sure what level I am at now! I recognised had a problem 4 years ago and apart from 5-6 or so big lapses have been doing ok?
I run a company now though and earn great wages and have a same amazing girlfriend. I also have money in the bank but I feel vulnerable and that everything I have is still not enough and that I want more! I feel if I am not careful I could lose it all. I must have issues but don't know what they are? When I start to gamble I know I am doing wrong and make deposit after deposit but just can not pull myself away!

If you can relate to any of this and have any advice then that would be great? Sorry if it comes across as self-indulgent!

Thanks for taking the time to read it.
Thanks for your in put Dave. So ok I think after reading your comments and many other posts I can see clearly now that it is a disease that inflicts many in many different ways but with a similar out come. I think I may have hit rock bottom 4-5 years ago and then recovred through to an extent through strong support and isolation. I moved houses had no cards and no internet and really enjoyed a time consuming job that gave me a buzz (sales job). Things have crept back in though. I borrow the cash card |I have set up on line accounts and I do less hours now so I have more time on my hands! I think I am at a cross roads where I could lose everything again and from being in a strong position dont think i would recover!
Hi steven
My name is scott and i am a recovering compulsive gambler.
My story is very similar to your's as is a lot of peoples. It sounds to me like you are lacking contentment and happiness in your life which is why you keep having these urges to continue gambling and then justify them (denial). I was suffering from the same problems so i chose to get some serious help from a rehab clinic where i had 1-2-1 councelling which looked at my behaviour patterns and why i felt the need to change the way i felt through external things like gambling. Since coming out of the 12 weeks of rehab a yr ago i have learn't so much about who i am and why i do the things i do. I continue to follow the 12 steps of recovery programme one day at a time and no longer to have a desire to gamble. I have gone from having low self worth being selfcentred, angry, fearful and full of self pity to a life of contentment, happiness, humble and accepting to life and others around me. It is such today that i am able to be myself and please everyone around me. (It's better to be disliked for who i am rather than be liked for who i'm not)
I hope this may help you with you road to recovery but if you choose to change nothing then nothing will change.

Take care
Hi Scott some of your input makes sense there. Although I can appear to be very confident and out going some of the feelings you described may be present in me.

Saturday for instance I have just been paid etc I could go out with some wonderful friends and their children that i have had for 10 years instead i find my self playing roulette again after all the bad times in the past. it crosses my mind that if i win i can be the big man when i get there etc. Buy the drinks etc. Its almost like if i can turn up with £x in my pocket i will feel better about myself and dont leave the house until i have won and then dont even go because i have lost!. Even though these people i know really do like me for the person that i am as we have been friends since 11or so!

I feel those feelings also you mentioned. Anxiety, low self worth and angriness, i dont know why i feel angry. Are you saying that this is all linked and because of these feelings I then gamble and dont get these feelings because I gamble because that could make sense. Looking back on it now i seem to gamble quite alot when there is a social situation coming up. I am off for a stag do abroad next month and can easily afford it but spent double what I would take £ wise trying to win enough to take if that makes sense to have it for free.

Logically my actions dont make sense but you sound like someone who understands their actions now.

Any thoughts?
Hi Steven.
My name is marko.and i am a compulsive Gambler.
like the others i cant say if you have a problem or not.but from my own experince i can say. if when you are gambleing you find it hard to stop even when you are winning or looseing and you find that you are gambleing just for the thrill then you could have a problem. agian like the others i can say that it is a progresive illness.
You seem to be doing the right things avioding carring cash and so on .but like many others i did not gamble for many years.but some personal events.
Triggerd a major relapse.i think some people are more prone then others to this illness. like you i never thought i would take gambleing to the extreme of loseing every thing but i may be my sad tale will act as a warning to others.hpoe this helps you in some way.

Forum Jump:

Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)