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Understanding Step one and step two.
#11
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! Today my pains from my past are being nurtured and healed, my fears willingly faced and frustrations resolved by accepting the understanding of the serenity wisdom and I live a much healthier spiritual life today, I am healthier and stronger in myself than ever before in my life simply JUST one day at a time.

The wording in red book step three “Gamblers anonymous is a spiritual program, not a religious fellowship.” It is not mentioned often enough about recovery being a spiritual recovery program.

Once I understood that simple fact recovery program is a ehaling process I knew I could succeed in the spiritual recovery healing program.

For me I thoroughly enjoy the rewards of working my recovery program in a very selfish way, it is almost like I am living a new life.

I walked in to recovery very weak confused hurt lost inept inadequate insecure immature and irresponsible and thought and felt that the gambling controlled me and my life.

I went against my own conscience and went against spiritual values and even tried to justify my cruel actions and my cruel words.

For a long time lots of people said they escaped to gambling yet would not admit to themselves their own fears.

People kept saying it was their pride and ego that stopped people progressing.

When I walked in to recovery I felt lower than dog crap I did not have any pride in myself, so how could pride be stopping me progressing.

People would talk their war story over and over again and they could not or were not willing to move on from their past.

After all the money and the gambling were just the symptom of the emotional illness if you can call it an illness.

Ask any one in recovery what this emotional illness is and watch their face go blank?

Step one was about my surrender my acceptance my not living in the same level of fears I use to live in and for me to start to be honest with myself.

In time I did not fear going to the rooms of recovery, in time I did not fear who saw me in the rooms of recovery, in time I did not fear the things I use to fear and in time I was completely comfortable with being completely honest and open in the rooms of recovery.

Step one when it says that life was unmanageable had nothing to do about money or gambling but more about when I felt vulnerable and understanding my triggers.

In the old days they use to say we found excuses to gamble, that is very twisted thinking, we needed to understand our feeling just before we gambled.

I can now count the number of times I am angry, I can name any resentments I have, and I can see and feel many unhealthy people and yet not take their pain fears or frustrations on board as my own.

For the first 10% of my life I suffered emotional abuse and physical abuse

For the next 10% of my life I suffered emotional abuse physical abuse and sexual abuse.

During the second 10% of my life I was rebellious risk taking and doing naughty things and had lost the ability to absorb and understand basic education methods.

At that early point in my life I did not care about myself or value myself so how could I value or respect other people? I even felt somehow responsible because people were doing these things to me.

At the first 30% of my life I found escape in one way or another, hiding in cupboards, I had learned to put up a facade and was a different person with different people.

I had been hurt and betrayed and was not able to give of myself or trust myself or other people any more.

I had got in to the habit of burying and suppressing my pains and hiding my fears yet deep down I felt more and less secure in myself which was all fear based emotional issues .

I was like the beaten dog that had no choice but to react in fear one way or another and to take up obsessive addictive ways.

So today am I more mature am I able to cope emotionally better than any other time in my life? Or am I just burying my pains deeper than ever before?

So long before my addictions and obsessions I could not heal my pains, I could not face my fears, I could not grasp that serenity would come about when I fully grasp my limitations and externally how little I am responsible for in my life.

The gambling the drinking the obsessions the escaping responsibility were just the symptoms that within me was a very hurt child who wanted and needed to be healed and helped to live a healthy life once more.

The hole in me was due to the fact that people around me as a child were not able to make me feel wanted loved nurtured and protected, the truth was adults were not even able to care for them self.

In understanding that I am equal to all people I now understand that if another person is able to achieve goals and be successful so can I.

There will always be unhealthy people in recovery rooms who are inept inadequate insecure immature and have not yet faced them self.

How committed am I today to understand reasons behind each one of the spiritual values today, that each spiritual value embraced is important in to my character building such as healthy unconditional loving unconditional giving forgiving apologizing caring trusting trust worthy patience tolerance humility sincere honest faithful loyal optimistic self assured and well self balanced punctual courteous respectful considerate grateful content productive creative constructive nurturing sharing encouraging optimistic cooperative aware content stable humble open minded self confident calm proud love and serene.

So the conscious decision was important to take recovery seriously and stop hurting myself emotionally through beating myself up all the time, by stressing myself worrying about things I could not change.

I am not willing to give up faith or hope in myself.

I know that if I see and feel that I am equal to all people in recovery no matter how long since their last bet.

Being equal to all people I understand if they can achieve something they set their minds to do so can I.

The consequence of painful experiences if fears, often the fears I had as an adult were a consequence of emotional or physical pain caused up on me in my child hood.

I think the easy way to explain recovery is to relate it to mountain climbers.

That mountain climbers use the rope for the feeling of safety and helps progressing without fear holding them back? The strength or our recovery rope is our honesty?

The number of people is not a measure of our recovery or our progress it is our honesty and shared wisdom which is about but the quality? Our honesty is the best policy?

Often as we move through recovery helping each other it is important to stay tied to honest stable confident people and strong groups so that our progress is both healthy and steady.

Even the slowest person moves with the healthy spiritual group that are all tied together in their recovery.

What is important in our path to being able to help our self is to learn the safest paths in our recovery, what to avoid and what to embrace and make regular practice and habits in our life.

Some people want fast recovery and go on their own and fall in to pit holes and often slip away.

The healing recovery program is based up on spiritual based values and actions, my actions are my responsibility in interacting with healthy people in recovery.

Today my anger is my responsibility.

Today my happiness is my responsibility.

Today my goals are my responsibility.

Today my progress is my responsibility.

Whenever I got angry I hurt myself.

How much do I value myself today and how much am I willing to do about it?

I have given up being a hypocrite my actions are my words today.

I am not a cut and paste merchant today, what you see is what you get today.

Anonymity use to be something I hid behind because I could not come out from living my life in fear.

I now understand that new peoples anonymity is very important part of recovery and I still respect others peoples anonymity yet for me I am not worried about people thinking or feeling knowing that I am a person in recovery.

If people love or hate me that is their problem not mine.

I often wonder how many people practice what they paste.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave.
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#12
I don´t know how to work through my pains and my fears. It just hurts so bad and last week I did return to gambling, like putting my emotions in quarantine. Just feeling all numb from lack of selfcaring, avoiding everything, just sitting gambling at my computer.

Writing my marathon post and admitting it, then waiting and wondering whether it would be approved or not. I am ashamed to say but I didn´t handle it all very well.

Feelings of abandonment, vulnerability, being misunderstood, being despised and judged, even if I somehow know these emotions aren´t rational. Also feeling of shame for not knowing how to deal with my past but continuing to let it haunt me.

Reading your answer makes the pain break through the numbness again.

I wish I knew how to heal and nurture my pains and fears. I wish I knew when I am going to be able to let byegones be byegones. How many tears are there?

Trying to focus one day at a time has helped me and I know there is strenght in chosing to create a good day for yourself. But what do you do when past pains comes up to the surface? Just push it down again or allow the tears to run freely and be honest to your emotions? But if you try to stay honest and open to your emotions, why do they keep coming back?!?

I don´t understand I am all confused and filled with mixed emotions. I am so sick and tired of my tears.

I realise that I am all a little child right now and I sincerly apoldigize for that. I have a long way to go.

I did manage to abstain for five months, and I have not given up. Just starting from zero again.
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#13
I manage to build up the courage and went to the chatroom. Had a heart to heart with Dawn who offered her shoulder for my elephanttears. Especially her being there helped me so much, but also the other people in the chatroom with your noncondemning attitude.

Thank you all <3
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#14
Thank you Dave, for sharing of yourself and being so honest and putting in your time and effort. I keep reading what you have written over and over and I am trying to work it. Small steps at a time.

I am back in feeling the emptyness, disappointment and anquish and so on, but I also realise that these emotions are coming from my gambling, as a cover up of the other emotions that I am having a hard time handling. And if anything this gives me extra motivations to work against, back to the right path, one day at a time. After all I know that all of these passifying emotions will let go again. And everytime that my hardest, most painful and true emotions rise, I will have to try to take care of these so that all of which hurts so badly, in time hopefully will begin to hurt less.

It is a line that is hard to define for me, the one between selfpity and allowing myself to feel and work through my emotions. Somtimes I do cross the line to the wrong side, gambling is certainly crossing it with a HUGE step, but I also get irritated and feel sad when I sometimes start to believe that others are putting me in the first category, when I am actually trying to stay on the "right" side of the line. However I can´t read other peoples minds, and even if I could, I will have to continue to work with realising my inability to affect and to control things that I can not. I have to keep working with trusting myself and not caring so much about what others might think or not.

I don´t know what is right or wrong for others, not even for myself, and I do swing between despair and hope. Like I said before I have difficulties handling waiting and hoping, due to the fact that I have been disappointed so many times.

I am a compulsive gambler in recover AND I have a lot of emotional issues too. And I am still welcome within GA, as long as I have a wish to stop gambling and staying gambling free.

I do belive in the spiritual healing program and the spiritual values you are telling me about.

I am grateful, even if I don´t always know how to show it in a good way.

With warmth
Paula
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#15
Paula Wrote:Thank you Paula
With warmth

Hi Paula

Thank you for sharing with me.

Recovery for me is about taking small steps one day at a time.

Simply it started with Just for today I will not gamble then, just for today I will not gamble and attend 4 – 5 meetings per week, then just for today I will not gamble attend 4 – 5 meetings per week and will not smoke, then just for today I will not gamble attend 4 – 5 meetings per week and will not smoke and will not get drunk, then just for today I will not gamble attend 4 – 5 meetings per week and will not smoke and will not get drunk and will face one fear at a time.


You say you are feeling emptiness, is that emotional trauma where you are not able to feel anything at all.

Yes often disappointment is us letting our self down and we feel guilt and shame for our unhealthy actions.

Do you think your emotions can come from a machine or gambling establishments.

Or could it be you have suppressed the pains and fears you caused yourself in the understanding that what you use to do was unhealthy to yourself and other people..

If you are able to talk your emotions out to another person you can really trust may be that would help you or maybe you are ready for counselling.

I to had a very hard time handling understanding my feelings and emotions and coping with the emotional roller coaster ride after abstaining.

Those deep seated emotional painful experiences cause lots of tears to flow.

In time as we heal the emotional scars the pain turns to sadness.

Often self pity is used in recovery programmes.

If we talk about our pains does that make us look like victims that never move on and never heal from our past.

There has not been one emotional problem resolved by gambling or getting drunk.

I to was unable to read other peoples minds, funny thing at one time I did not know anything about my mind so how did I understand some one else.

I do not control things that go on around me in my life, the only person I can and will control is my life.

The trusting of your self is a slow process. It starts with very small amounts of money fist of all.

When I turned towards addictions and obsessions I was not caring much about myself or the world.

What other people might think of me is their problem not mine.

I would think that in terms of our feelings and emotions I can say that feelings are feelings.

For me being angry is not healthy, so I process my feelings in a healthy way.

Waiting is tied up to tolerance and patience which we need to be with or self first of all.



You I have been disappointed so many times with your self may be you are asking to high expectations of your self..

Being grateful with pogress helps us appreciate our self.

I to believe in the spiritual healing program and the spiritual values I share with you all

If you are grateful then it indicates you are starting to value people and things in your life.

To show our feelings and emotions comes about when we are able to articulate how we feel and understand our emotions in a healthy way.

Love and peace to everyone Dave
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#16
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! Today my pains from my past are being nurtured and healed, my fears willingly faced and frustrations resolved by accepting the understanding of the serenity wisdom and I live a much healthier spiritual life today, I am healthier and stronger in myself than ever before in my life simply JUST one day at a time.

For me the spiritual recovery program is all about living a new healthy life.

I use to think and feel that by taking all my money that had taken me many decades to earn and give it to complete stranger while I and my family went without was fun and that I loved doing it?

How can a person think they can love a machine or plastic chips and not living their life?

Everyone has their own opinion what love is all about, everyone has their own opinion what happiness is all about, and everyone has their own opinion as to what life is all about.

Serenity is about understanding the only person who can help me become a healthier person is myself.

Often use to confuse the sernity prayer with meaning that even when people were unhealthy around me that I could not express myself in a healthy way.

All the time I kept stuff bottled up in myself I was hurting and cheating myself.

It is a fraction the number of times I use to be angry, in fact I was so over sensitive I use to geta ngry at every one and every thing. It seemed like I could not help myself.

That reaction in anger to pain fear or frustrations indicated to me that I had not healed from my past traumatic experiences.

Every fear as I ahd as an adult was due to poor unehalthy experieices as a child.

Today I am working the recovery program being patent and tolerant about things that happen in my life and more importantly being patent and tolerant with myself.

Giving me pride in my healthy actions and my healthy words

It is and was important to me I had not lost my best friend wife and partner by my side during my testing unhealthy actions.

For me anyone any one at all can find the spiritual healing program and spiritual recovery even if they are not a religious people at all or do not have any kind of beleif system what so ever.

The program works very well for anyone who is willing to really work the spiritual recovery program.

The spiritual recovery program works for anyone who is willing to make changes towards healthy living.

The wording in red book step three “Gamblers anonymous is a spiritual program, not a religious fellowship.” It is not mentioned often enough about recovery being a spiritual recovery program.

I think the easy way to explain recovery is to relate it to mountain climbers.

That mountain climbers use the rope for the feeling of safety trust helps over come our fears and helps us all progressing without fear holding them back? The strength of our rope in our recovery is our honesty?

The number of people is not a measure of our recovery or our progress it is our honesty which is about but the quality? Our honesty is the best policy?

Often as we move through recovery helping each other but we must always be selfish about our own recovery it always come first.

It is important to stay tied to healthy spiritual confident people and strong groups so that our progress is both healthy and steady.

Even the very slowest of persons person moves with the healthy group that are all tied together in their recovery.

What is important in our path to being able to help our self is to learn the safest healthiest paths in recovery, what to avoid and what to embrace and make regular practice in our life.

Some people want fast recovery and go on their own and fall in to pit holes of life and often slip away.

The healing recovery program is based up on spiritual based values and actions, my actions in interacting with healthy people in recovery.

For me we are all equal we have no right to judge another person, it is important in recovery to nurture and encourage people who want healthy, it is also important that when we are in the unhealthy (wrong) to take responsibility of our actions.

Taking responsibility of our actions is the act of a mature responsible person that is the act of adult person.

Taking responsibility of our actions and making amends and saying sorry we are able to make and build brides over damaged relationships and help healing of others pains.

As we expose more of our vulnerability and admit our ignorance from that moment we stop living in fear of appearing stupid or dumb.

Being ignorance is not being dumb or stupid but by admitting our ignorance we have a chance of building our confidence in our self.

As we grow together we often lose perspective of how much progress we have done in our self.

It is important to compare how healthy we are today so we can build our confidence in our self. By our healthy actions we learn to respect our self in so many ways.

Do I fear gambling establishments? Not at all, yet I do fear the thought of going back to unhealthy actions and unhealthy consequences.

You see even today I understand that if I were to have that very first bet I would have no choice but to lie to myself and give up all faith and hopê in myself.

If I were to have that very first bet I would be giving up all faith and hope in myself and in my actions, if I were to have that very first bet I would start to get weaker and weaker and start to hate myself once more.

If I were to have that very first bet the pain and fear in my life would increase and I would not be able to face myself or face other people.

Sadly if we live in to much level fear in our life it is very simple for me to go in to painic mode.

For me painic is an over laod of fears.

How sad to think that gambling was more important than my family and more important than caring or loving myself?

I have the choice to go back to unhealthy actions and unhealthy consequences or stay in the rooms of recovery and do whatever it takes to make me a healthier more caring loving person each day.

I am willing to help myself I am willing put every effort in to my recovery today.

For me life being unmanageable was not about the money or the gambling but about me not being able to cope with life at an emotional level.

For me life being unmanageable is about understanding what my emotional triggers are and my vulnerable times and be ing able to heal pain face my fears and understand all of my frustrations.

How could it take me so long to understand that spiritual values are part of our own conscience?

How long to understand that I was born with some wonderful spiritual values no fears complete honesty gave of myself unconditionally complete and utter trust.

Spiritual values are all about healthy relationships with other people and have nothing to do about religions or any other faiths.

How committed am I today to understand reasons behind each one of the spiritual values today, that each spiritual value embraced is important in to my character building such as healthy unconditional loving unconditional giving forgiving apologizing caring trusting trust worthy patience tolerance humility sincere honest faithful loyal optimistic self assured and well self balanced punctual courteous respectful considerate grateful content productive creative constructive nurturing sharing encouraging optimistic cooperative aware content stable humble open minded self confident calm proud love and serene.

Apologizing is a sign of strength and about being mature responsible and repairing damaged relationships due to my unhealthy actions. It is not about who is right or wrong it is about being healthy with myself and with other people.

Today I have a new life with new healthy choices and it far extends beyond not gambling or wasting my life living in the pains and fears of my past.

Christmas cards written and sent, presents bought for close ones. I never use to enjoy Christmas because I left things till the last minute and stressed myself out due to worry.

Procrastinate for me was very much fear based and lack of confidence and indicided thinking that made me leave things till to late.

I now understand that people did not cause me stress, the stress I put on myself was all of my own doing.

I need to be more patient and tolerant of myself.

I did not need a Christmas present to know that people love me. I did not need to give presents at a Christmas present to let people know how much I love and care about them.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave.
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#17
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! Today my pains from my past are being nurtured and healed, my fears willingly faced and frustrations resolved by accepting the understanding of the serenity wisdom and I live a much healthier spiritual life today, I am healthier and stronger in myself than ever before in my life simply JUST one day at a time.

For me step one understanding that split second my life became unmanageable emotionally, the feelings that use to make me feel very vulnerable were pain fear frustrations loneliness and boredom.

When you walk in to the rooms of spiritual recovery you feel pain due to our own actions towards our self and our family, then each day as we abstain we start to feel the pain of the guilt and shame of what we have done in the past.

Even though that day we often have done nothing to hurt or offend people. We are living in the pain of the guilt and shame of our past.

Resentments vengeance feeling bitter and twisted is also living in the pains of our past but that is due to pain other people caused towards our self.

Yet the common factor is that we had lost the ability to heal and nurture our own pains, most people will say to them self they have forgiven other people when in fact all they have done is bury pains of their past.

We were born able to heal pains and were so easily able to forgive, yet due to pain and trauma in myself I took every ones else’s pain fear frustrations on board as my own I felt responsible for how other people felt.

That then was not healthy and is still not healthy today, so I have learned to talk people through their pain fear frustrations but I am not responsible for healing their pain they are.

Funny enough pain fear frustrations are the same feelings that use to cause me to be angry and resentful most of the time; every time I said I have to imply that I did most things in my life resentfully.

My motives for living life has changed hence I understand there is wants and needs no more have to do thinking.

As I do things for myself and others unconditionally I found out I got pleasure from doing things.

Sadly if you do things with expectations and hidden motives you always finish up disappointed, yes expectations and hidden motives was always a come down.

I was born able to give of myself unconditionally who could have caused me to think and behave in unhealthy ways? It is not common to one person?

Most people who arrive in recovery feel they are not responsible for their actions they so much want to blame the gambling establishments for their unhealthy actions?

Some people will even believe in their mind it is the devil that controls them, for me the reason I use to escape to unhealthy actions was pain fear frustrations loneliness and boredom.

Once we ask our self what feelings did I have just before I had that first bet?

Then I would understand what emotions made me feel vulnerable and were my triggers.

For me anyone any one at all can find the spiritual healing program and spiritual recovery even if they are not a religious people at all. The program works for anyone who is willing to really work the spiritual recovery program.

The spiritual recovery program works for anyone who is willing to do the work and make change towards healthy living.

The wording in red book step three “Gamblers anonymous is a spiritual program, not a religious fellowship.” It is not mentioned often enough about recovery being a spiritual recovery program.

The spiritual recovery program is all about living a new healthy life but it has to be our conscious decision to make changes within myself; I needed to admit to myself that I had unhealthy habits before I could change those unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

Each day I am placed in to the radiation position to be exposed to X-rays it becomes easier, I am able to feel so comfortable I could snooze off nicely even on the hard board they call a bed.

People often get frustrated because they do not understand what they need to do to find healthy life, they resist writing down their feelings they resist telephoning people they resist going beyond a certain point talking about child hood issues.

It makes me laugh when the recovery program asks us to humble our self, some people think it is about belittling our self, for me because I felt lower than dog crap humbling myself to be equal to all people was a promotion form how I use to feel about myself.

Like many I walked in to recovery because of lack of funds I had wasted away, I did not walk in thinking I had child hood programming issues or that I felt vulnerable emotionally.

I did not think that due to emotional abuse due to physical abuse and due to sexual abuse all before I was 12 years old had anything to do about how I felt today.

When I married Shirley did I think to myself I have all these emotional baggage and once I get married all that emotional crap will melt away?

When I married Shirley I was able to see that I had an emotional age of a ten year old child and felt the same vulnerability as that child did when he was being abused.

Why could I not tell my parents I loved them without feeling so emotionally vulnerable? Why could I not tell my wife I loved them without feeling so emotionally vulnerable?

The more into recovery I got the more questions I had to ask myself, sometimes I did not like my own answers?

The spiritual recovery program is only a guide or manual for us to help our self, if I do not call other people for help I am not helping myself, if I am putting on any kind of pretence or facade I am only cheating myself.

If I lie I cheat myself, if I lie in any way I have no choice but to live in fear of being found out of my lies or deceptions.

As people grow in recovery the spiritual recovery program should change with its people, sadly that is not the case.

If I am saying to myself “I have to” do things I am still thinking with an obsessive thinking mind.

I now understand for me my life is split in too wants and needs, I have eight hours of need to do thing, I have eight hours of want to do things, and eight hours of sleep and rest.

It is important that I have balance in my life and to remove myself from being like the adrenaline rat in the wheel trying to go faster and faster getting nowhere healthy it all being a complete waste of time and energy.

It was very difficult for me to slow down and think things out clearly and put them to paper. To not worry all the time which again is fear based issues.

For most of my life I had got in to the unhealthy habits of trying to juggle far too many balls at one time and often they all came crashing down up on me time and time again and I did not learn from those unhealthy habits with unhealthy consequences.

How can a person think they can love a machine or plastic chips and not living their life?

Everyone has their own opinion what love is all about, everyone has their own opinion what happiness is all about, and everyone has their own opinion as to what life is all about.

This is yet another day of radiation and there is no fear in me just a kind of calmness and peace within myself based a lot on trust.

How committed am I today to understand reasons behind each one of the spiritual values today, that each spiritual value embraced is important in to my character building such as healthy unconditional loving unconditional giving forgiving apologizing caring trusting trust worthy patience tolerance humility sincere honest faithful loyal optimistic self assured and well self balanced punctual courteous respectful considerate grateful content productive creative constructive nurturing sharing encouraging optimistic cooperative aware content stable humble open minded self confident calm proud love and serene.

Asking for help apologizing humbling myself to truth exposing myself emotionally is a sign of my strength and all about me being more mature and responsible. It is about me being healthy with myself and with other people.

Today I have a new life with new healthy choices and it far extends beyond not gambling or wasting my life living in the pains and fears of my past.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave
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#18
Hi Dave.

Thank you for being here and that you are acknowledging me. It does help me along. Mav, that goes for you too, and everyone on the chat.

I wish I could attend atleast one meeting a week. I barely manage one meeting every month, and I realise this is makes my recovery so much harder than it should have to be. I am thinking about starting a new meeting closer to home, but I don´t feel stable enough to take on that responsibility yet. I understand what you are saying though, that it takes time, time and effort. And that is necessary for me to keep reminding myself of.

I dont think the feelings of emptiness comes from any machine or gamblings establishment <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="Smile" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->, I formulated myself badly, it is the act of gambling and everything that comes with that act, for me, that nurtures these feelings. When I am gambling, which I only do at home on my computer, I block out or push down my true emotions, and I don´t sleep properly, eat properly or enjoy anything. I don´t take showers. I don´t clean, wash dishes or take out the garbage. And even if I for shorter period of times manage to get away from the computer, I think about gambling almost every minute I am awake, and I dream about it when I am asleep. I call in sick at work. If I go out to the store or to a friend, I can´t relax or relate and I just want to go back home as soon as I can again. It is that state, that I put myself in while gambling. Like my life is empty, or like there is no hope or no life. Like I despise myself. Like I have a big hole in my stomach. That kind of emptiness. And yes I believe that you are right too, that these emotions also is a result of me suppressing how much me gambling have hurt myself and others before, and that I know that what I am doing is wrong. I havent thought about it that way before.. that hole also being a sign of suppressed emotions.

You wrote: "If we talk about our pains does that make us look like victims that never move on and never heal from our past".

This is one of my major issue because in my mind somehow yes, it does. Not when others talk to me about their pains. But when it is me doing the talking. And when it is about pains connected to my life before gambling. Also I am so afraid that through talking about my pains, that I will inflict pains on other people that will have to carry my pains, even if my intentions arent for them to take over my pains, but just to ventilate and get support, they might still do so because they can´t help it, and perhaps I steal their energy while trying to work our my own problems. Or perhaps if I talk about my pain, others will just feel tired with me and will leave me. Or they would not be able to understand me when I am trying to share about my pains, because I am weird, and they would leave me.

...that is the way it feels to me, although it is stupid because why would me sharing be different from anyone else sharing... Still though whenever I try to take place or share of myself it is connected with shame and fear, also with hope of selfgrowth and katharsis, but always with shame. I am moved about the things you have written about sharing, and you sharing of yourself, because it makes me think less negative thoughts about myself.

On here though, this forum, this chat, I dont feel ashamed when talking about the bad things I have done and horrible situations I have put myself due to me being a compulsive gambler. Perhaps it is because when I share about those things on the chat for example it is like turning the negatives into something positives, it helps in relating and creating a sense of understanding between fellow compulsive gamblers, it helps me feel just like everyone else, and hopefully will help them feel understood and not so horrible either. Like we have all done horrible things, but our responsibility lies in doing differently. Also I dont feel the same need to be understood or the fright that someone will judge me. I dont even feel threatened of "trolls" coming on trying to promote gambling, because I know that I am a compulsive gambler. I am not against gambling for everyone, but I know it isnt for me.

Sharing about me gambling somehow serves a greater purpose. Sharing about me... sadly enough, doesnt.

I get sad when writing this because it makes me realise that I am actually afraid of myself, as if I were something dangerous. Yes, me being a compulsive gambler makes me dangerous because I cause hurt in others and myself, but this image of me being dangerous and hurting people through my words, and before therapy even through my thoughts, stems from my childhood. And I didnt take up gambling until I was in my thirties. I realise it is not a valid selfbelief, so why do I let it affect me like it was...

You are right that I have always had too high expectations and have put too high demands on myself and I already when I was a child decided never ever to hurt anyone. Of course it is impossible to live that way, but I tried to. And I was a good girl, a good daughter, a good student, a good friend. And even so, I was never satisfied with good.. I strived to be perfect and I wanted to be loved by everyone.

When I went to therapy I had to learn that it is ok to get angry, it is ok not to always be good, it is ok to think bad things about others. I dont always have to understand and be nice to everyone. It is ok if someone doesnt like me. In therapy I also got encouraged to set boundaries towards my family and relatives, as it was crucial to protect myself. Therapy is a safe world to live in, and I received so much from going there. The only negative is that when I had finished I felt more alone than ever and also found it even harder to share with others because now I had done my therapy and should therefore be done with everything that happened in the past.

I agree that it dont have anything to do with right or wrong...letting pains go... but when you get truly hurt, when someone attacks you selfcore with words or in otherways, and especially when you are a child or in a very vulnerable place... I have tried to build bridges... and it has been and is working as long as I keep being quiet and adjust myself. But still, yes, deep down I am soooo hurt and disappointed and sad and also... angry because noone should treat a child in some ways, no matter how many personal issues they have themselves to deal with. And not being able to ever getting that hurt and pain acknowledged by the person that has caused it... that makes it so much more difficult to let it go. Because when that other person makes it into right or wrongs, and they always are the ones having right, and I always am the one being wrong... when there is an unability to see that it takes two and that we both contribute to misunderstandings and conflicts and so on... when it is ever only me...it makes it alot harder to let go of completely.

For me gambling also has nothing to do with money. Because no money in the world can compare to the state of not living that gambling puts me in, no money in the world can compare to the hurt I do to myself, my boyfriend and especially my daughter while gambling. Living is about being here one day at a time. It just simply is not about gambling and turning it all off.

There are many things I value in life. Even if having a relapse I havent forgotten about that.

<3
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#19
Hi.
I was not able to articulate understand or express my feelings in a healthy way on walking in to the spiritual recovery program.
Once you give therapies at meetings it comes from an honest place.
That emotional honesty becomes our strength.
The addictions and obsessions were just an unhealthy way of escaping in my fears from people life or situations.
If we have hatred for a person do we understand it is bitter pain that is coming out of us.
Often we do not understand that perpetrators do on to people those things that were done to them.
How many parents were dysfunctional unhealthy and ignorant and unable to fulfill our emotional wants and needs.
Once I say to people I love them it empowers me.
Once I say to people I love them the pains and fears of those people melt away.
Resentments and hatred mean I am living in the past.
Healing from our past is an ongoing path, healing from our past opens me up to lots of healthy emotional intimacy today.
There is no limit to what I can achieve in my life today.
The healthier I become the less adverse effects unhealthy people have on me today.
I am for sure on a healthy path in my recovery today.
There is faith pride in my life today.
No matter when people had their last bet I am an equal to you all.
Love Dave
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#20
(13-07-2011, 11:19 PM)Roxannesins Wrote: Hi 

My answers are not always right ad often I feel inept and inadequate.

Thank you for appreciation of people sharing.

Your sharing helps you help your self and to set up safety boundaries each day.

ank you for your answer. It has meant a great deal to me!

The difference of the level between people is not what is important, we all grow at rates we feel comfortable with.
Your journey has been different levels yet we are able to relate to each other. 

You may feel I understand you because at different levels of depths of pains and feeling helpless and lost.

Our sharing helps us stay connected and we can see and feel our self in other people and over time we find compassion for our self and then with other people.

opening to emotional intimacy takes time and recovery is a very slow recovery process.

It is important to fullfil your wants needs and goal.satisfying my own personal need of being seen and understood. And that is perhaps still the biggest pain of all, which I will have to let go.

Would you think that a patient in hospital will feel guilty for feeling sick.

Do not feel ashamed for being your self.

Feeling ashamed for our unhealthy periods is not beneficial to you or any one else.

In talking too much can be a few couple of things, ,

I think too much talking can indicate people are insecure nervous and lack confidence.,

You say that you feel too much.

For me there are both healthy feelings and healthy emotions, 

Every fear we have a s adults was a consequence of several deep seated events which caused pains in me.

With each unhealed pain or unresolved caused fear to grow in me.

The obsessive thinking is very much stress inducing and not healthy at all.

By healing from the pains of our past and embracing healthy habits we start to change how we feel about our self and our life.

Recovery is not about perfection but about healthy progress.

Love to every one.

Dave of Beckenham,

AKA Dave L
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