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Understanding Step one and step two.
#21
(17-12-2011, 03:58 PM)Roxannesins Wrote: Hi 

Once we heal from the pains of our past they become our strength today.

Meeting are very important and finding a healthy meeting will help speed up your recovery.

You say that feelings of emptiness, are you saying you are numbing out or escaping how you feel. 

Nurturing and encouraging our self takes time.

At home on your computer, it is just another way of isolating your self 

You say you push down your true emotions, do you think you are suppressing the pains that have not been healed yet.

It is important for us to get motivated in a healthy way to look after our basic needs.

To talk about our pains and not wanting pity enables us to say that is my past now how do I improve myself self today and let go of my past.

Our shame indicates we have a healthy conscience.

And our fears only indicate that we have pains of our past not healed or resolved.

In our honest sharing is about therapies.

As we open up more people relate to us and as we share we see our self in those people as we were in the past.

But more importantly we see and feel our self as we will become in our future.

Once we see and we feel we are all equals if another person can succeed in many avenues of our life so can we.

Once we understood we were emotionally vulnerable long before the addictions and obsessions we understand that the addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms of our emotional vulnerability.

Healthy meetings are not about judgement.

Healthy meetings are all about nurturing and encouraging the best of others and the best of our self.

You say you are afraid of yourself if you work your recovery your fears will fade and you will comfortable with your self.

You will reach a point where you will value your self more.

Being a compulsive gambler just means you are emotionally vulnerable no more than that.

Being hard on your self serves no healthy purpose.

Hurting people through your words, that indicates the pains you have not healed yet.

Having high expectations causes pain up on our self.

You strive to be perfect you will never be content with your self.

In order to be loved you need to reduce your fears.

To set boundaries for your self is healthy, to think we can change other people is not possible.

If people do not respect them self they are unable to respect you.

To build bridges is possible if all people are willing to move on from their pasts

Love and peace 

Dave
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#22
I am Dave a compulsive Gambler.

Step one understanding my emotional triggers that caused me to want to escape people situations and life.


Just because people feel emotionally vulnerable does not mean they are weak people, over time once pains are healed they become our strength in our new found recovery.

Did I question if I was stupid dumb idiot evil bad etc, yes for sure that was an indicator of how inept inadequate and insecure I felt with in myself.

Step two did I come to believe that spiritual recovery yes for sure yet it took time, yet over time I came to believe in myself, I gained belief in myself and my new found values in life.

Did I know what love was, I said I loved gambling and that I loved money and cars but did I truly know how to love unconditionally and give of myself.

For me the spiritual recovery is about healing from my past from conscious or from deep seated subconscious memories, exchanging unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
 
For me the spiritual recovery is a non religious.
 
For me spiritual recovery is all about me helping myself, no one can do my recovery for me.
 
For me the spiritual recovery is only obtainable by sharing me experiences with other people.
 
For me the spiritual recovery is about hearing therapies and seeing and feeling myself in other people, not only from who they use to be but more importantly learning how to become who they are today.
 
Even though we are linked by our sharing it does not mean because another person breaks out gambling I will do the same unhealthy action.
 
It was not possible for me to heal completely all the time I was causing myself pain, or escaping facing myself being in denial.
 
Beating our self calling our self names is in no way productive in our recovery.
 
Being hard on our self is a very unhealthy habit.
 
Just because I stopped gambling did not mean I became happy or content over night. That is for sure.
 
My thinking was that if I stopped gambling I would be happy, that if I paid all of my debts I would be happy, that if stopped being angry I would be happy.
 
I did not walk in to the spiritual recovery for myself, I did it for other people, it did not work that way for me.
 
Only when I went to meetings for myself did I get any benefit from it.
 
I became selfish I started to value myself, I stopped giving up faith or hope in myself.
 
I walked in to the spiritual recovery feeling filled with fear, scared of the telephone, scared of the post man delivering the post, scared of strangers coming to the front door.
 
Before recovery I was scared of rejection, I was scared of being abandoned, I was scared of failure, I was scared of being honest, I thought if you were honest it would be painful.
 
Before spiritual recovery I was immature, when Shirley married me I had an emotional age of about 8 – 10 year okld child.
 
The spiritual recovery was going help me be accountable to myself in every way possible.
Before spiritual recovery I was inept inadequate insecure I did not know what my needs wants or  goals were, in fact no one had talked about goals in my life, or if they had I certainly did not hear them talk about goals.
 
My life was emotionally unmanageable and I was emotionally vulnerable long before my first drink or first bet, I was emotionally vulnerable due to emotional abuse physical abuse, I had suffered bullying of different types at different stages of my life.  
 
Today I understand that bullying or bullies are cowards, they try and manipulate other people, bullies are often guilt trippers and try and use the past to control other people, it is all part of dysfunctional behaviors.
 
How do you learn nurturing and encouraging ways, I found that doing things for other people is not beneficial, it is important to show people how to do things for them self.
 
It takes longer to show people how to do things yet you get some reward seeing and feeling people succeed in becoming more confident.
 
It is not possible to buy confidence, no one can give it to you, it is important that people achieve success and confidence in their life by their own actions.
 
In sponsoring it is important for people to not give credit to other people, the sponsor should say I have helped you but the benefits of your success are our responsibility.
 
In sponsoring it is often mentioned in recovery programs that people should not sponsor the opposite sex, I do not agree with this statement.
 
It is important that when a person sponsor the opposite sex that if they have a married partner or a partner, that the  partner gives permission to spend time with a sponsor, some times it even helps that the sponsor should meet with their partner.
 
For me in sponsoring I feel it is important the sponsor should be anonymous, and that a person can have more than one sponsor.
 
If a person is being sponsored it is up to that person to ask as many people on making life time decisions.
 
In separating from a long time marriage or relationship if there is no risk of any kind of abuse that the person should find recovery before making long term relationship decisions.
 
I understand that I finished relationships with ladies when in fact I still loved them, by my action of breaking off relationships was due to me not feeling worthy of having a partner. And due to the guilt and shame I was feeling was being transferred to those people.
 
Today what is spiritual recovery given me that changed my life, well the spiritual recovery has helped me t love myself and then love other people.
 
The spiritual recovery helped me understand that I use to avoid being honest with myself and honest with other people, I have more courage today, I am less afraid today than another other time in the last 60 years.
 
I have a ambition to change even more, I have focus today, I understand my needs wants and goals today, I live in today rather than live in the guilt shame and pains of my past.
 
There is no doubt in my mind that I am a survivor today, I have recovered from physical abuse I reached appoint where I could not feel any more pain, you could have stuck a knife in me and I would have not felt it.
 
When I walked in to the spiritual recovery program, I was emotionally traumatized, I could acknowledge what my feelings were.
 
Over time not only would I be able to identify my feelings but would be able to articulate them in a very healthy non threatening way.
 
The spiritual recovery program has opened up more choices than I ever had before in my life.
 
By attending the spiritual recovery program I understand that I am more able to make healthy hard decisions in my life.
 
By attending the spiritual recovery program my belief system has changed, it has helped me set boundaries for myself and my well being and for other people.
 
By attending the spiritual recovery program my values have changed, the most important things and focus before recovery was money gambling and different ways of escaping responsibility and blaming the world for my failings.
 
The spiritual recovery program has helped me become more mature, to grow up and grow some, each time I went back to meetings after breaking out gambling was harder yet I was getting stronger even though I felt more vulnerable emotionally.
 
The spiritual recovery program helped me to learn that each time I broke out gambling to question what was the emotional trigger.
 
How do we learn to value money, is money on its own success.
 
What I did was when I went back to gambling I took the amount of money lost and divided it by my hourly rate at work, that told me how many hours days and weeks I had to work to get that money.
 
That if I took that money wasted what could I buy for myself and my family, over time it told me how many holidays I gave away, how many cars I gave away, how many houses I gave away.
 
I would like to think that I am completely emotionally detached from all feelings towards gambling establishments.
 
I do not hate them or love them, today they are just money making businesses.
I have over time met people that work for gambling establishments, I feel very sad for those people, the jobs they do fulfill their monetary needs, yet they have nothing to show for their time. I feel it is not fulfilling working for those establishments.
 
For me the recovery program is about healing from our past and to become the healthiest person we can be simply a day at a time.

For me the recovery program is a spiritual recovery program.

I am able make healthy choices today without escaping in fear in any way today.

By being able to show my gratitude it is an expression of my healthy changed values today.

How many spiritual people helped me during life of pain and torment I am not able to name them all.

Those spiritual people helped me overcome some very testing periods in my life.

Each time I said to myself who cares any way was the instant I was willing to give up all faith and hope in myself.

Impatience and intolerance is very much linked up the fact I had fully accepted the serenity prayer.

The spiritual recovery program is a guide and hand book to help me help myself live a healthier life today.

What are the changes in my life today by working the spiritual recovery program changed me from being a very angry person who reacted in pain fear and frustration.

The spiritual recovery program helped me understand that by being impatient and intolerant I was being hard impatient and intolerant with myself.

The spiritual recovery program helped me understand that there is no such thing as failure while working in the recovery program, each mistake on my part is a learning curve I learn from.

Nurturing and encouraging skills are learned from attending meetings and learning from other people new found healthy skills.

When I surrendered in my recovery I had become stronger.

Only once I understood each of my emotional triggers only then I would not escape or live in fear and become much healthier in my decision making skills.

I have placed my recovery more important than my family over 46 years of recovery.

It took me over 23 years to understand step one about my emotional triggers.

Over 46 years of recovery it has helped me to stop bullies who often try to bully people and manipulate people who are new to recovery.

I am not willing to push my recovery on to other people.

Time off does not make me an expert, reaching parrot fashion text not make me an expert, the more I admit my ignorance to myself the stronger I become.

How inept am I today, could I have been a electronic engineer without being in the spiritual recovery program.

Love and peace to everyone 

Dave of Beckenham
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#23
(24-02-2016, 03:37 PM)gadaveuk Wrote: I am Dave a compulsive Gambler.

12 steps of spiritual recovery simplified for me. Non Religious


Step one we admitted we were powerless over gambling - that our lives had become unmanageable.
For me step one at first in my recovery I wanted to blame the gambling establishments for how I felt, my pains my fears my frustrations and how much pain I felt, the simple facts the gambling establishments did not make me do any thing I did not want to do. They did not hurt me, I hurt myself.


Sadly, long before I took up my addictions and obsessions I was living in my many pains, my many fears and I was emotionally vulnerable long before my addictions and obsessions.


My addictions and obsessions were the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable, when I was feeling my pains, my fears and my frustrations, I would escape from facing my feelings and emotions. Before my recovery I got in to the unhealthy habit of burying my pains and hiding from my fears.


For me once in the spiritual recovery program I would both understand when I was emotionally vulnerable and deal with things with out escaping or deviating any more.




Step Two Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to a normal way of thinking and living.
For me Step Two because I was a non-religious person, I would understand that I wanted to become healthy and whole with in myself, I would understand that spiritual values alone are the basis for healthy relationships with myself and other people. My own conscience is all about spiritual values.


For me the people’s therapies, their experiences and new-found skills would help me take up healthy habits and change unhealthy habits in to healthy habits. In other people’s therapies I would see and feel myself and relate to their experiences both healthy and unhealthy. In other people’s therapies I would see what was possible for me to achieve in the recovery program.


In time you learn to trust the recovery program and the people in it you learn to reduce your fears and learn to trust and have hope in yourself once more.


Step Three Decided to turn our will and our lives over to the care of this Power of our own understanding.
For me Step Three is about boundary setting, because we start to value our self, once we set boundaries we do it for our self, we set boundaries from a place of peace, not from rage, not from anger, boundary setting means we value our self, the most important boundary is just for today I will not gamble.

Step Four Made a searching and fearless moral and financial inventory of ourselves.
For me Step Four is not about beating our self-up, step four is about identifying the difference between what is healthy and what is unhealthy, as we get more honest with our self-first of all, and that is the build up to getting honest with other people over time. It is about self inventory and not beating our self up any more.

Step Five Admitted to us and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
For me Step Five again it is not about right wrong good or bad, it is about identifying in our past what was healthy and what is unhealthy, and in some way can we start to overcome the deepest-seated fears of emotional intimacy.


Once you open to a person in full honesty and disclosure you have started to over come your fear of emotional intimacy, and once you feel more comfortable emotional intimacy will be shared with like minded healthy seeking people.


Step Six Were entirely ready to have these defects of character removed.
For me Step Six yes as we get honest, we identify our actions and words and by getting honest can we move from unhealthy habits which adversely affect our self and other people and change those in to healthy habits and understand that unhealthy words and actions will adversely affect other people and our self.


To understand that every action and word in our life has consequences.




Step Seven Humbly asked God (of our understanding) to remove our shortcomings.
For me Step Seven the impact word is shortcomings, which indicates failings and deficiencies.


Before recovery every unhealthy habit or word would have failings indicators in our self and our relationships.


In identifying what is a failure and for us to learn from it, to learn from our failures and make healthier choices in the future


Due to a very unhealthy dysfunctional family people would blame escape responsibility, a dysfunctional family will want to keep goings on in the family, keeping family secrets in the home quiet and secret so that the victims do not speak out. Control is a fear based issue.


A dysfunctional family lacks healthy spiritual interactions, a dysfunctional family is not able to be nurturing and encouraging, often it was about bullying manipulation and causing fears in the home and unhealthy secrets.




Step Eight Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
For me step eight this is us being accountable to our self-first of all, is being free to be open about our unhealthy past, to understand that our unhealthy actions habits or words adversely affected other people, causing them pain fears and frustrations.




Step Nine Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.


For me Step Nine is about repairing relationships with other people if they can talk to or communicate with us still, it is important once we take responsibility, we in no way justify our unhealthy actions unhealthy habits or unhealthy words.


Just because we are honest and willing to repair relationships does not mean that people will heal or have healed from their pains, that we caused them right away. Do we understand our lies were a betrayal of their trust in us and other people?


Step Ten Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
For me Step Ten at the end of each day am I doing inventory of myself, was there any thing that I did or said that adversely affected another person, can I learn from that experience in any way. Do I need to make amends to any one including myself.


Step Eleven Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
For me Step Eleven in the spiritual recovery program as we face our fears, increase our trust in others and in our self, by this time we have not only recognized our pains but healed them in some way, by this time we have faced each fear as we identify each one, and of course understood our frustrations and by reducing our unreasonable expectations of people life and situations and have stopped causing our self-pains time and time again.


Step Twelve Having made an effort to practice these spiritual principles in all our affairs, we tried to carry this message to other compulsive gamblers.
For me Step Twelve with each new found healthier skill, we are no longer the victim, we are no longer the perpetrator, we have had demonstrated to us how to be patient tolerant with our self and other people.


The new found spiritual strength values and interactions we are no longer a threat to our self or other people, our fearlessness becomes other people fearlessness, our trust becomes other people trust, we no longer have fear of emotional intimacy.


In the recovery program it was very important for me to become a very selfish person, to take the healing process very seriously, the spiritual recovery program is about healing our hurt inner child.


Any person religious or not can get healthy and heal their inner child is they seriously put in the work and their time and in some cases have therapies and counselling.


The money was only the fuel for my addictions, you can take away my money yet the hurt inner child was still living in my deep seated pains, in my fears and wanting to escape in other ways may be in obsessions of any type.


To understand that our fears and emotional vulnerability cannot be resolved with money alone.


To admit to our self in our honesty and humbly show our vulnerability is a sign of our growing strength.

Love and peace to everyone 

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham
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#24
(30-11-2011, 12:52 PM)Roxannesins Wrote: Somehow it feels wrong to write it here, but I dont know where to and I need to try and get this out. I have to let my past go. I dont know if I would be able to share all of this in my meeting, or if it would serve any purpose, because I would feel like I am just selfpitying and taking up place. I dont know if it serves any purpose sharing it here either, but I am telling myself that I need to work on my trust, because I dont trust myself. There is something in your writings that  I can relate to and that I wish to grow into. I now both feel encouraged by your reply and a ashamed for taking up as much space as I am going to do. But here goes.

Here is my therapy.

It was two weeks prior to christmas. I, almost five years old at the time, was at my fathers place, with my father and a friend to him. The three of us was having a lot of fun. They were teaching me how to play poker. We played for money and I remember I won, a bit less than a pound, in one round. My father and his friend applauded me and I felt so happy, also
slightly embarrassed though, because I had a sense of they were letting me win.

Then I heard a noise, and again, and we realised that someone was throwing small stones on the window. My fathers apartment was on the second floor and I went out on the balcony, seeing my mother and one of her friends standing below. It was inbetween snowing and raining. They yelled at me to say to my father to go down in the stairhouse and let them into the apartmentsbuilding.

When my mother came into my fathers apartment and realised that my father and his friend were drinking beer, she got very upset. She got angry and began yelling at my father about he had promised not to drink while I was visiting.

I got afraid and felt sorry for my father. I tried to explain to my mother that we only had a good time, and that they had taught me poker, and look, I even won... My mother wouldnt hear my pleeds and she was still angry with my father. My father told me very calmly to listen to my mother because she was right. He said that I should go along with my mother and that I would meet him at another time. He said he was sorry.

I didnt want to leave, but my mother carried me out into the car and then we drove home.

I have a rather complicated childhood story. Stories like the one I just told happened several times, but in somewhat different shapes. But this pokergame I had forgotten all about and only came to realise at my meeting a while back when a fellow compulsive gambler told me about the first time he was exposed to gambling. My urge to gambling is tied closely to poker. Sometimes I also went binging on black jack when I felt too tired to play poker, but mostly just poker.

My mother was and is always there for me if I needed her. She has bailed me out so many times that I sometimes dont understand that she still would want me as her daughter. She has never been able to fully see and understand me though. And I have hurt her so many times.

When it comes to her emotions I listened to her and supported her for so many years. When it came to my emotions, she would feel threatened or tired or even accuse me of trying to hurt her, when all I wanted was for her to understand me better. Like I wrote earlier I have now stopped to try to reach her on a deeper level, because I know she and I are too different. I am not angry at her anymore but somethings still are painful to think about. I am trying to set healthy boundaries in my relationship towards her.

Like during my whole childhood she would say things, and then if we got into an argument and I would ask her about some of the things she said, she would completely deny them and say that I was making it up. And even when I tried to say things in the most non-threatening ways, she would still throw it back at me, telling me that I was just trying to get at her or put guilt on her. I know she never did any of this to hurt me, it is just that a part of her sees me as a despiteful and mean child. Part of her sees me as a child who always had to question things and ask the unnecessary and hard questions. She told me not to long agoe: even as a child you always had to critizise everything trying to put me down. I do remember asking a lot of questions, I also remember my mother working a lot and being tired so I always wanted to show her extra consideration, I dont remember critizising her. I know that she feels like I did though. Even so the biggest part of her however loves me, which she has proven far too many times by not leaving me.

When I was a child I truly wasnt despiteful though. And I truly wasnt mean. Even if she interpreted me that way. But like I said, I did ask many questions and wanted to discuss things. Partly because I wanted to be acknowledged. Partly because I was curious and wanted to understand about the world and about myself. But yes I felt hurt many times, and perhaps that
made my questions sound despiteful... I really dont know.

As a child my biggest rolemodel was Jesus. And I thought that if I could be as good and as pure as I possible could be, then perhaps I would be worthy of love. This included not only my action, but also my thoughts. I ought not to think mean things about others, but always try to understand and feel compassion instead. In many ways I was a very sad and misunderstood child. Atleast I felt that way. But I always tried to act and think good.

Noone else in my family went to church or was religious, and I got the feeling they thought it was a bit corky. Still it felt safe for me, and for a couple of years I went in the churchchoir and got free lessons by the leading church musician playing the organ. Sometimes I went to the church when I knew it was empty after school. Since I knew where the key was and I was allowed to go there practising the organ, I let myself in. I then would cry and pray that my father would come around and understand how much I loved him. And that noone was mad at him. Perhaps then could he be my father again. I was nine and ten years old.

My mother claims things about me, even to this day, like that I was a sour looser because sometimes I began to cry  when I lost a family board game. We both remember that I used to win most of the time. We both remember my big brothers bad temper, that he sometimes could through a gameboard off the table when he lost. We both remember that the family sometimes didnt want to play games with me because I mostly won. However, at some point, since I enjoyed playing different boardgames, I began to make bad descisions on purpose, beginning to loose on purpose, just so as they would continue play with me, and just so as my big brother wouldnt get mad at me. However at those times, after I lost they would say things to me like: aaa pooor Paula, too bad you didnt win this time. And that did make me feel upset because they sounded mean. And when seeing that I got upset they would begin to say to me that I was a sour looser, whereupon I would say that I wasnt, whereupon they would continue saying that I was, where upon I would start to cry. Not because I lost though...  My mother still claims though, that I was a horrible sour looser as a child, and when I have tried to explain to her that I wasnt, or just ask her please not to say that anymore because I dont feel like that is true  and it is hurtful for me to hear, she wont listen and just says that she has the right to say what she thinks, that she has the right to claim what she perceived, and to her, she knows that I was a sour looser. THat is the way she sees it and always will, and I cant do anything about that. It might only be a small insignificant thing, it still hurts though.

I have always been very sensitive, and easily have began to cry. But it was never intentionally or in a manipulative way. Mostly I cried because I felt misunderstood or because I felt unjustly treated. I cried because I had no words and couldnt protect myself. At those times my family came down pretty hard on me. Calling me spoiled and even worse making fun of me in rather mean ways. Therefore I learned to try to avoid all crying in the open, and when I needed to cry I ran out in the forrest above my house. There were a big rock that I used to climb up on, and there I could release my tears. Alone.

I dont think I was a child easy to love, I was too much searching for acknowledgements and propably got under peoples nerves. And I did have a lot of thoughts.

My father was hardly ever there for me, in the sense that my parents got divorced when I was younger than two, and after that I only saw him, i am not sure perhaps about ten times. Some of these times, because of my fathers drinking and the people that was around him at those moments, I was exposed to some traumatic situations. However, there is another side of the story. When me and my father was alone, I did feel like I was being seen and understood. He enjoyed discussing things with me. He took me outside teaching me about the forrest. He took me fishing. He taught me to ramble all the swedish kings and the years they were at the throne. He taught me to multiplicate and to spell difficult words, and he enjoyed it just as much as I did. This was before I had even begun school. Isnt that strange that even though I hardly never met him, I feel like he did understand me...

Everyone used to say that I was my fathers girl, and my older sister was my mothers girl.

Everyone used to downtalk my father, because he was an alcoholic, because he was hurting me and my sister, because he was a man.... yes that is the way the arguments tended to go. When I became a mother and went to family dinners with my daughter they began this similar downtalking men again. My daughters father didnt want to become a father and made the choice not to take part. But then I told them not to talk that way about men infront of my daughter. That I wanted her to make her own experiecnes about humans no matter if they were males or females. Even if their reactions were that she will only be disappointed in time when she starts seing men, and that it is better she is prepared, somehow, I dont know why and I am myself suprised, but they acutally have respected my wish. And atleast when I am present they dont talk like that anymore infront of my daughter.

Of course parts of their complaints about my father were valid though. His absence hurt me alot and I used to cry myself to sleep at nights because I missed him so horrible and I was so worried about the way he might be feeling or doing in his illness. I always cried as quiet as I could though, not to worry my mother because I knew she had so much on her plate already. I never heard my father downtalk anyone, except himself.

When I was fourteen and on my way to school I happened to bicycle past my father. I got a bit shocked, at that time I hadnt seen him in several years, and his hair had turned grey. Before it was all black. I was in a hurry and had so many mixed emotions towards him. So I turned my head the other way, pretending I hadnt seen him. Just as I turned my head away I saw him turning his head, him seeing me turning my head away. A couple of weeks later he phoned me up, being drunk and crying. Claiming to be the most horrible father when his own daughter didnt want to say hello to him. And I lied. I told him it wasnt me. I asked him when it was. And I told him it couldnt have been me. He said again, and I told him it wasnt me. And then I quickly excused myself telling him I had to rush off somewhere. And I hung up. And I felt like I had turned into Judas.

Some weeks later I manage to lurk out where he was currently living in another city. I went there one day without telling anyone and pressed the doorbell. First it was quiet. Then I heard his footsteps leading up to the door. There was a peepwhole in the door. Then quiet. Then the footsteps walked away again. I stood there frozen for a while, but didnt dare to press the doorbell again, so I finally walked away. I felt so ashamed.

Three years later I was home from summerholidays from school when the phone rang. I was home alone, answered and heard his voice: Hi.. do you hear who this is? I was filled with all sort of emotions, joy, fright, excitement, and answered him: Yes, I hear. I had butterflies in my whole body and tried to think up something to say, something to ask him, when he asked me if I could help him to look up a phonenumber in the phonenumberbook. I said sure and put down the phone, reliefed, because this would give me a minute to gather my thoughts and emotions. Happy and eager to speak with him, I searched through the phonenumberbook, found his number and lifted the phone once again. But he had hung up and was gone.

About 15 months later I got noticed that my father had died. In phneumonia. At that point I felt like I broke. I was at my school abroad and went down by the sea hiding behinds some cliffs. It was raining heavily and strong wind. And I was crying and screaming out loud. I was in so much pain. And I felt like I truly hated him for dying away from it all. I hated him for never coming through as my father.I was sitting there for a couple of hours and then a searchparty came and found me. Everyone was worried about me. I was wet and cold but told them that I would just sit alone for a short while still, then I would come back.  

I went to the funeral and I cursed him when I stood over his grave. At that moment I truly felt like I hated him. I was 18 years old.

A year before he died me and my sister talked with each other, saying that we almost wished that he was dead. Because if he was dead, we wouldnt have to hope anylonger. Hoping for him to come around. Hoping and waiting was the worst feelings for me ever.

I began to gamble heavily at the age of 30, briefly after I had finished my therapy which I told you about before, and I lost all control soon there after. I still went back though, several times, loosing it all over and over again.

Now it is twenty years since my father died. And I dont hate him anymore. But since I managed to abstain from gambling I have realised that I still miss him awfully... And it still hurts so bad when I think about him...

You are right Dave, that there is growth in me. I am beginning to find a calm within that is less illusive than it has been before. I still have a lot of fears though, and I am still finding it very hard to trust myself.

I am getting more and more aware of my fear of intimacy. Well I have always known I am afraid. But I am beginning to feel like I can work against this fear in new ways, not like before by roleplaying, or while gambling by avoiding, but by trying to
stay humble and trying not to be afraid. Somehow I know it is there in me somewhere even if I still bail out most of the time. I totally agree with you that protecting yourself in a healthy way has nothing to do with fear.

My meetings serve a great deal for me in my recovery. Not the least because I think it is the first group of people I have encountered where I feel like I am accepted and understood. Without being put on a piedestal. Without being judged. With all of my different traits of compulsiveness and how the gambling made me do so many awful things.

Thank you so much for writing that my answers are for me and always will be. I have always felt a sincere mistrust against  myself and my emotions. I am starting to think that perhaps it is wrong to think about my emotions in terms of being trustworthy, rather I should work towards accepting them for what they are.

Like instead of trying to figure out whether my feelings are right or wrong, perhaps I what I need to focus on is to question how I allow them to affect my behaviour in healthy or nonhealthy ways, how I allow them to affect my interactions with others in healthy and nonhealthy ways. One day at a time.

Sometimes it feels like everythings goes around in circles. And even if I understood or felt something a while back, the same issue comes back in a new shape, and I then need to understand it all over again, with some new dimension to it. I am so afraid that I again will fall back into destructive avoiding life behaviours, making myself into a failure, even if I deep down know I am not.

Love myself. Trust myself. I am trying to accomplish this by building on healthy actions and healthy descisions. It is difficult though.

Thank you. With warmth
Paula
Reply
#25
(30-11-2011, 12:52 PM)Roxannesins Wrote: Somehow it feels wrong to write it here, but I dont know where to and I need to try and get this out. I have to let my past go. I dont know if I would be able to share all of this in my meeting, or if it would serve any purpose, because I would feel like I am just selfpitying and taking up place. I dont know if it serves any purpose sharing it here either, but I am telling myself that I need to work on my trust, because I dont trust myself. There is something in your writings that  I can relate to and that I wish to grow into. I now both feel encouraged by your reply and a ashamed for taking up as much space as I am going to do. But here goes.

Here is my therapy.

It was two weeks prior to christmas. I, almost five years old at the time, was at my fathers place, with my father and a friend to him. The three of us was having a lot of fun. They were teaching me how to play poker. We played for money and I remember I won, a bit less than a pound, in one round. My father and his friend applauded me and I felt so happy, also
slightly embarrassed though, because I had a sense of they were letting me win.

Then I heard a noise, and again, and we realised that someone was throwing small stones on the window. My fathers apartment was on the second floor and I went out on the balcony, seeing my mother and one of her friends standing below. It was inbetween snowing and raining. They yelled at me to say to my father to go down in the stairhouse and let them into the apartmentsbuilding.

When my mother came into my fathers apartment and realised that my father and his friend were drinking beer, she got very upset. She got angry and began yelling at my father about he had promised not to drink while I was visiting.

I got afraid and felt sorry for my father. I tried to explain to my mother that we only had a good time, and that they had taught me poker, and look, I even won... My mother wouldnt hear my pleeds and she was still angry with my father. My father told me very calmly to listen to my mother because she was right. He said that I should go along with my mother and that I would meet him at another time. He said he was sorry.

I didnt want to leave, but my mother carried me out into the car and then we drove home.

I have a rather complicated childhood story. Stories like the one I just told happened several times, but in somewhat different shapes. But this pokergame I had forgotten all about and only came to realise at my meeting a while back when a fellow compulsive gambler told me about the first time he was exposed to gambling. My urge to gambling is tied closely to poker. Sometimes I also went binging on black jack when I felt too tired to play poker, but mostly just poker.

My mother was and is always there for me if I needed her. She has bailed me out so many times that I sometimes dont understand that she still would want me as her daughter. She has never been able to fully see and understand me though. And I have hurt her so many times.

When it comes to her emotions I listened to her and supported her for so many years. When it came to my emotions, she would feel threatened or tired or even accuse me of trying to hurt her, when all I wanted was for her to understand me better. Like I wrote earlier I have now stopped to try to reach her on a deeper level, because I know she and I are too different. I am not angry at her anymore but somethings still are painful to think about. I am trying to set healthy boundaries in my relationship towards her.

Like during my whole childhood she would say things, and then if we got into an argument and I would ask her about some of the things she said, she would completely deny them and say that I was making it up. And even when I tried to say things in the most non-threatening ways, she would still throw it back at me, telling me that I was just trying to get at her or put guilt on her. I know she never did any of this to hurt me, it is just that a part of her sees me as a despiteful and mean child. Part of her sees me as a child who always had to question things and ask the unnecessary and hard questions. She told me not to long agoe: even as a child you always had to critizise everything trying to put me down. I do remember asking a lot of questions, I also remember my mother working a lot and being tired so I always wanted to show her extra consideration, I dont remember critizising her. I know that she feels like I did though. Even so the biggest part of her however loves me, which she has proven far too many times by not leaving me.

When I was a child I truly wasnt despiteful though. And I truly wasnt mean. Even if she interpreted me that way. But like I said, I did ask many questions and wanted to discuss things. Partly because I wanted to be acknowledged. Partly because I was curious and wanted to understand about the world and about myself. But yes I felt hurt many times, and perhaps that
made my questions sound despiteful... I really dont know.

As a child my biggest rolemodel was Jesus. And I thought that if I could be as good and as pure as I possible could be, then perhaps I would be worthy of love. This included not only my action, but also my thoughts. I ought not to think mean things about others, but always try to understand and feel compassion instead. In many ways I was a very sad and misunderstood child. Atleast I felt that way. But I always tried to act and think good.

Noone else in my family went to church or was religious, and I got the feeling they thought it was a bit corky. Still it felt safe for me, and for a couple of years I went in the churchchoir and got free lessons by the leading church musician playing the organ. Sometimes I went to the church when I knew it was empty after school. Since I knew where the key was and I was allowed to go there practising the organ, I let myself in. I then would cry and pray that my father would come around and understand how much I loved him. And that noone was mad at him. Perhaps then could he be my father again. I was nine and ten years old.

My mother claims things about me, even to this day, like that I was a sour looser because sometimes I began to cry  when I lost a family board game. We both remember that I used to win most of the time. We both remember my big brothers bad temper, that he sometimes could through a gameboard off the table when he lost. We both remember that the family sometimes didnt want to play games with me because I mostly won. However, at some point, since I enjoyed playing different boardgames, I began to make bad descisions on purpose, beginning to loose on purpose, just so as they would continue play with me, and just so as my big brother wouldnt get mad at me. However at those times, after I lost they would say things to me like: aaa pooor Paula, too bad you didnt win this time. And that did make me feel upset because they sounded mean. And when seeing that I got upset they would begin to say to me that I was a sour looser, whereupon I would say that I wasnt, whereupon they would continue saying that I was, where upon I would start to cry. Not because I lost though...  My mother still claims though, that I was a horrible sour looser as a child, and when I have tried to explain to her that I wasnt, or just ask her please not to say that anymore because I dont feel like that is true  and it is hurtful for me to hear, she wont listen and just says that she has the right to say what she thinks, that she has the right to claim what she perceived, and to her, she knows that I was a sour looser. THat is the way she sees it and always will, and I cant do anything about that. It might only be a small insignificant thing, it still hurts though.

I have always been very sensitive, and easily have began to cry. But it was never intentionally or in a manipulative way. Mostly I cried because I felt misunderstood or because I felt unjustly treated. I cried because I had no words and couldnt protect myself. At those times my family came down pretty hard on me. Calling me spoiled and even worse making fun of me in rather mean ways. Therefore I learned to try to avoid all crying in the open, and when I needed to cry I ran out in the forrest above my house. There were a big rock that I used to climb up on, and there I could release my tears. Alone.

I dont think I was a child easy to love, I was too much searching for acknowledgements and propably got under peoples nerves. And I did have a lot of thoughts.

My father was hardly ever there for me, in the sense that my parents got divorced when I was younger than two, and after that I only saw him, i am not sure perhaps about ten times. Some of these times, because of my fathers drinking and the people that was around him at those moments, I was exposed to some traumatic situations. However, there is another side of the story. When me and my father was alone, I did feel like I was being seen and understood. He enjoyed discussing things with me. He took me outside teaching me about the forrest. He took me fishing. He taught me to ramble all the swedish kings and the years they were at the throne. He taught me to multiplicate and to spell difficult words, and he enjoyed it just as much as I did. This was before I had even begun school. Isnt that strange that even though I hardly never met him, I feel like he did understand me...

Everyone used to say that I was my fathers girl, and my older sister was my mothers girl.

Everyone used to downtalk my father, because he was an alcoholic, because he was hurting me and my sister, because he was a man.... yes that is the way the arguments tended to go. When I became a mother and went to family dinners with my daughter they began this similar downtalking men again. My daughters father didnt want to become a father and made the choice not to take part. But then I told them not to talk that way about men infront of my daughter. That I wanted her to make her own experiecnes about humans no matter if they were males or females. Even if their reactions were that she will only be disappointed in time when she starts seing men, and that it is better she is prepared, somehow, I dont know why and I am myself suprised, but they acutally have respected my wish. And atleast when I am present they dont talk like that anymore infront of my daughter.

Of course parts of their complaints about my father were valid though. His absence hurt me alot and I used to cry myself to sleep at nights because I missed him so horrible and I was so worried about the way he might be feeling or doing in his illness. I always cried as quiet as I could though, not to worry my mother because I knew she had so much on her plate already. I never heard my father downtalk anyone, except himself.

When I was fourteen and on my way to school I happened to bicycle past my father. I got a bit shocked, at that time I hadnt seen him in several years, and his hair had turned grey. Before it was all black. I was in a hurry and had so many mixed emotions towards him. So I turned my head the other way, pretending I hadnt seen him. Just as I turned my head away I saw him turning his head, him seeing me turning my head away. A couple of weeks later he phoned me up, being drunk and crying. Claiming to be the most horrible father when his own daughter didnt want to say hello to him. And I lied. I told him it wasnt me. I asked him when it was. And I told him it couldnt have been me. He said again, and I told him it wasnt me. And then I quickly excused myself telling him I had to rush off somewhere. And I hung up. And I felt like I had turned into Judas.

Some weeks later I manage to lurk out where he was currently living in another city. I went there one day without telling anyone and pressed the doorbell. First it was quiet. Then I heard his footsteps leading up to the door. There was a peepwhole in the door. Then quiet. Then the footsteps walked away again. I stood there frozen for a while, but didnt dare to press the doorbell again, so I finally walked away. I felt so ashamed.

Three years later I was home from summerholidays from school when the phone rang. I was home alone, answered and heard his voice: Hi.. do you hear who this is? I was filled with all sort of emotions, joy, fright, excitement, and answered him: Yes, I hear. I had butterflies in my whole body and tried to think up something to say, something to ask him, when he asked me if I could help him to look up a phonenumber in the phonenumberbook. I said sure and put down the phone, reliefed, because this would give me a minute to gather my thoughts and emotions. Happy and eager to speak with him, I searched through the phonenumberbook, found his number and lifted the phone once again. But he had hung up and was gone.

About 15 months later I got noticed that my father had died. In phneumonia. At that point I felt like I broke. I was at my school abroad and went down by the sea hiding behinds some cliffs. It was raining heavily and strong wind. And I was crying and screaming out loud. I was in so much pain. And I felt like I truly hated him for dying away from it all. I hated him for never coming through as my father.I was sitting there for a couple of hours and then a searchparty came and found me. Everyone was worried about me. I was wet and cold but told them that I would just sit alone for a short while still, then I would come back.  

I went to the funeral and I cursed him when I stood over his grave. At that moment I truly felt like I hated him. I was 18 years old.

A year before he died me and my sister talked with each other, saying that we almost wished that he was dead. Because if he was dead, we wouldnt have to hope anylonger. Hoping for him to come around. Hoping and waiting was the worst feelings for me ever.

I began to gamble heavily at the age of 30, briefly after I had finished my therapy which I told you about before, and I lost all control soon there after. I still went back though, several times, loosing it all over and over again.

Now it is twenty years since my father died. And I dont hate him anymore. But since I managed to abstain from gambling I have realised that I still miss him awfully... And it still hurts so bad when I think about him...

You are right Dave, that there is growth in me. I am beginning to find a calm within that is less illusive than it has been before. I still have a lot of fears though, and I am still finding it very hard to trust myself.

I am getting more and more aware of my fear of intimacy. Well I have always known I am afraid. But I am beginning to feel like I can work against this fear in new ways, not like before by roleplaying, or while gambling by avoiding, but by trying to
stay humble and trying not to be afraid. Somehow I know it is there in me somewhere even if I still bail out most of the time. I totally agree with you that protecting yourself in a healthy way has nothing to do with fear.

My meetings serve a great deal for me in my recovery. Not the least because I think it is the first group of people I have encountered where I feel like I am accepted and understood. Without being put on a piedestal. Without being judged. With all of my different traits of compulsiveness and how the gambling made me do so many awful things.

Thank you so much for writing that my answers are for me and always will be. I have always felt a sincere mistrust against  myself and my emotions. I am starting to think that perhaps it is wrong to think about my emotions in terms of being trustworthy, rather I should work towards accepting them for what they are.

Like instead of trying to figure out whether my feelings are right or wrong, perhaps I what I need to focus on is to question how I allow them to affect my behaviour in healthy or nonhealthy ways, how I allow them to affect my interactions with others in healthy and nonhealthy ways. One day at a time.

Sometimes it feels like everythings goes around in circles. And even if I understood or felt something a while back, the same issue comes back in a new shape, and I then need to understand it all over again, with some new dimension to it. I am so afraid that I again will fall back into destructive avoiding life behaviours, making myself into a failure, even if I deep down know I am not.

Love myself. Trust myself. I am trying to accomplish this by building on healthy actions and healthy descisions. It is difficult though.

Thank you. With warmth
Paula

Hi
I to went back several times to my fathers resting place.
I was advised that by telling some one you love them helps heal your pains.
I did that I placed his ashes under a bridge and I said Ernie I love you.
Instant reaction was like a knife was being stuck in to my throat.
The pain was horrific and very real to me.
I decided to keep saying Ernie I love you and eventually it did not hurt any more.
Did Ernie die at peace with himself I think not.
Am I at peace with Ernie and myself I think so for sure.
I went back again and there was a spray profanity on the bridge.
I laughed at such poor taste.
The I knew not only was I Laughing for myself I was also laughing for Ernie my father.
Shirley my wife was reluctant to go back to her parents resting place on a few occasions then one day she went and it helped her greatly.
Sadly my father suffered trauma as a child, he suffered trauma in WWII.
I am fortunate I found peace and recovery.
Love Dave
Reply
#26
(30-11-2011, 12:52 PM)Roxannesins Wrote: Hi Paula 
[quote pid='3913' dateline='1322657551']
Your kind of honesty therapy is very powerful, your ability to articulate your expereinces is exceptional.

I dont know if I would be able to share all of this in my meeting,
This happened once my fears reduced and my trust grew.

No you exposing your self helps your self and other understand your experiences of being a victim.
Your trust for sure is growing.

Being ashamed will reduce in time of self expressions.
Who you were is not who you are today.

By having a voice from peace you are setting boundaries today.

Shame is a self value or a person or and going against your own conscience 
Your sharing is very healthy.

Before my recovery default reactions was guilt and unworthyness.

Family try to be nurturing and encouraging towards their children the best way they can.

Your mothers extreme reaction to presecence of drink indicated that she had issues of her past not healed or resolved.
 
It may have been there were pains of your parents past that were not healed or resolved.

Such aggression and confrontation is not healthy in front of your children.

This was the case for me in my child hood, I tended to internalize their aggression and confrontation like I was responsible for how they felt.

Your mothers unhealthy reaction indicated that she had issues of he rpast.

Your mother was dumping on your father her pains fears and frustrations and was not able to interact or listen in healthy ways.

Of course you did want to leave, in your mind you were having fun and going with a very angry aggressive and confrontational person was not healthy for you.

Yes fear would be the reaction to such aggression and confrontation 

Because of the aggression and confrontation between your parents it was a form of emotional abandonment.

They were both unable to be emotional nurturing and encouraging towards you.

The gambling was a form of escape from people life and situations for me.

Your mother you say was there for you at a material physical level.

But may be not so at at an emotional nurturing level.

You may have hurt her yet at what level.

Do you think that she some how felt responsible for your emotional vulnerability.

Do you think that she transfered her pains fears and frustrations on to you.

Yes the wording she would feel threatened by your emotional vulnerability.

She would see and feel her self in you.

It is wise that you not tried to reach her on a deeper level.

She will not have the ability to look at her hurt inner child.

Understand she will still be living in her fears.

To set healthy boundaries is healthy for you but help her understand your not going to unhealthy places is not rejection or abandonment.

It is healthy you are not angry at her anymore, in accepting her limitations you are accepting serenity prayer and not hurting your self with expectations from her.

I do understand your Mum would feel threatened by your honesty and therapies.

Her instant reaction would assume it was blame and justification based.

Her instant reaction to questions she would feel like she was being interrigated by you.

Your Mum would not understand how dysfunctional her family was.

Your Mum is unable to be honest with her self hence she is unable to be honest with you.

Your Mum reaction to questions indicated how ignorant and inept she was and is today.

It is one unhealthy thing guilt and some people will use it to manipulate other people.

It is dysfunctional guilt tripping and some people do not even know they are doing it.

Your Mum reaction to questions may cause her to think you are trying to guilt trip her.
It may be an unhealthy reaction to her child hood experiences.

Your Mums unhealthy reaction may indicate that she is very vulnerable and not healed any parts of her life time traumas.

Even so the biggest part of her however loves me, sadly if a person lives in fear today it is very difficult for those people to have intimate relations today.

I am a non religious person.

It may have been that religion helped you get through some painful times.

What you wanted and needed from your parents they were not able to give you.

It sounds like both of your parents suffered deep trauma in their child hood.

When I was nine and ten years old I suffered abandonment rejection physical abuse emotional abuse and sexual abuse.

I even tried to take my own life because I felt so disconnected and inept at communicating my feelings and my emotions.

Perhaps as a child competing wa the only way you would feel successful in your self.

Sarcasm at such an early age undermines children and is very painful, 

You say you have always been very sensitive, being over sensitive indicates deep seated pains not yet healed.

In those days parents would express their feelings with money and material things and gifts.
They would say sorry with money and material things and gifts.

You ran out in the forest so that you could release my pains and your tears.

Sadly alone because people did not have empathy for their inner child they were unable to have empathy for your hurt inner child .

You don not think you was a child easy to love, that would indicate you were living in deep fear at that age.

Your wants and needs were far beyond any ones capabilities.

Your wants and needs would make people feel very inept.

Your father saw you in him self.

Yes down talking men indicates pains of the past not yet healed.

It was very painful to cry myself to sleep at nights because I felt so abandoned and emotionally vulnerable.

The drink your father was emotionally vulnerable yet could not talk about it.

Why pretend you had not seen him, fear, resentments, you felt vulnerable.

Your rejection was very painful for him to accept.

He did not want you to see his pains he had not healed..

At the door bell you had expectations and sadly by having such expectations of a vulnerable man you caused your self pain.

He did not want phone number book in the book, he wanted to hear your voice that gave him pleasure, that gave him back the healthy memories of your shared child hood with him.

It is very sad that you cursed him you were both victims who had not yet healed.

You would not have to hope any longer, you would have still had unreasonable expectations of a very emotionally vulnerable person.

You still miss him, indicates acceptance now.

Once our inner child heals we become self sufficient, we have empathy for our hurt inner child, accepting the serenity we accept other people limitations, that people are dysfunctional and do not even know it.

By being more aware of my our fear of intimacy we can do some thing about it.

Face your biggest fears first of all, ask your self what is the very worst that can happen am I willing to accept the very worst that can happen then our fears reduce.

Sadly live the same fear time and time again and never learn from it.

Every year the tax man, very year Christmas, etc.

Thank you so much for your honesty and your open sharing.

I am sorry for the delay in my response on this occasion.

With regards my feelings and emotions it is not about right or wrong good or bad it is about what is healthy or unhealthy.

Our serenity is helped by understanding if I am reacting in unhealthy ways or interacting in healthy ways.
 
So true Love myself. Trust myself. I am trying to accomplish this by building on healthy actions and healthy decisions. It is difficult though.

[/quote]
Love Dave
Reply
#27
Hi Paula
Your kind of honesty therapy is very powerful, your ability to articulate your expereinces is exceptional.

I dont know if I would be able to share all of this in my meeting,
This happened once my fears reduced and my trust grew.

No you exposing your self helps your self and other understand your experiences of being a victim.
Your trust for sure is growing.

Being ashamed will reduce in time of self expressions.
Who you were is not who you are today.

By having a voice from peace you are setting boundaries today.

Shame is a self value or a person or and going against your own conscience
Your sharing is very healthy.

Before my recovery default reactions was guilt and unworthyness.

Family try to be nurturing and encouraging towards their children the best way they can.

Your mothers extreme reaction to presecence of drink indicated that she had issues of her past not healed or resolved.

It may have been there were pains of your parents past that were not healed or resolved.

Such aggression and confrontation is not healthy in front of your children.

This was the case for me in my child hood, I tended to internalize their aggression and confrontation like I was responsible for how they felt.

Your mothers unhealthy reaction indicated that she had issues of he rpast.

Your mother was dumping on your father her pains fears and frustrations and was not able to interact or listen in healthy ways.

Of course you did want to leave, in your mind you were having fun and going with a very angry aggressive and confrontational person was not healthy for you.

Yes fear would be the reaction to such aggression and confrontation

Because of the aggression and confrontation between your parents it was a form of emotional abandonment.

They were both unable to be emotional nurturing and encouraging towards you.

The gambling was a form of escape from people life and situations for me.

Your mother you say was there for you at a material physical level.

But may be not so at at an emotional nurturing level.

You may have hurt her yet at what level.

Do you think that she some how felt responsible for your emotional vulnerability.

Do you think that she transfered her pains fears and frustrations on to you.

Yes the wording she would feel threatened by your emotional vulnerability.

She would see and feel her self in you.

It is wise that you not tried to reach her on a deeper level.

She will not have the ability to look at her hurt inner child.

Understand she will still be living in her fears.

To set healthy boundaries is healthy for you but help her understand your not going to unhealthy places is not rejection or abandonment.

It is healthy you are not angry at her anymore, in accepting her limitations you are accepting serenity prayer and not hurting your self with expectations from her.

I do understand your Mum would feel threatened by your honesty and therapies.

Her instant reaction would assume it was blame and justification based.

Her instant reaction to questions she would feel like she was being interrigated by you.

Your Mum would not understand how dysfunctional her family was.

Your Mum is unable to be honest with her self hence she is unable to be honest with you.

Your Mum reaction to questions indicated how ignorant and inept she was and is today.

It is one unhealthy thing guilt and some people will use it to manipulate other people.

It is dysfunctional guilt tripping and some people do not even know they are doing it.

Your Mum reaction to questions may cause her to think you are trying to guilt trip her.
It may be an unhealthy reaction to her child hood experiences.

Your Mums unhealthy reaction may indicate that she is very vulnerable and not healed any parts of her life time traumas.

Even so the biggest part of her however loves me, sadly if a person lives in fear today it is very difficult for those people to have intimate relations today.

I am a non religious person.

It may have been that religion helped you get through some painful times.

What you wanted and needed from your parents they were not able to give you.

It sounds like both of your parents suffered deep trauma in their child hood.

When I was nine and ten years old I suffered abandonment rejection physical abuse emotional abuse and sexual abuse.

I even tried to take my own life because I felt so disconnected and inept at communicating my feelings and my emotions.

Perhaps as a child competing wa the only way you would feel successful in your self.

Sarcasm at such an early age undermines children and is very painful,

You say you have always been very sensitive, being over sensitive indicates deep seated pains not yet healed.

In those days parents would express their feelings with money and material things and gifts.
They would say sorry with money and material things and gifts.

You ran out in the forest so that you could release my pains and your tears.

Sadly alone because people did not have empathy for their inner child they were unable to have empathy for your hurt inner child .

You don not think you was a child easy to love, that would indicate you were living in deep fear at that age.

Your wants and needs were far beyond any ones capabilities.

Your wants and needs would make people feel very inept.

Your father saw you in him self.

Yes down talking men indicates pains of the past not yet healed.

It was very painful to cry myself to sleep at nights because I felt so abandoned and emotionally vulnerable.

The drink your father was emotionally vulnerable yet could not talk about it.

Why pretend you had not seen him, fear, resentments, you felt vulnerable.

Your rejection was very painful for him to accept.

He did not want you to see his pains he had not healed..

At the door bell you had expectations and sadly by having such expectations of a vulnerable man you caused your self pain.

He did not want phone number book in the book, he wanted to hear your voice that gave him pleasure, that gave him back the healthy memories of your shared child hood with him.

It is very sad that you cursed him you were both victims who had not yet healed.

You would not have to hope any longer, you would have still had unreasonable expectations of a very emotionally vulnerable person.

You still miss him, indicates acceptance now.

Once our inner child heals we become self sufficient, we have empathy for our hurt inner child, accepting the serenity we accept other people limitations, that people are dysfunctional and do not even know it.

By being more aware of my our fear of intimacy we can do some thing about it.

Face your biggest fears first of all, ask your self what is the very worst that can happen am I willing to accept the very worst that can happen then our fears reduce.

Sadly live the same fear time and time again and never learn from it.

Every year the tax man, very year Christmas, etc.

Thank you so much for your honesty and your open sharing.

I am sorry for the delay in my response on this occasion.

With regards my feelings and emotions it is not about right or wrong good or bad it is about what is healthy or unhealthy.

Our serenity is helped by understanding if I am reacting in unhealthy ways or interacting in healthy ways.

So true Love myself. Trust myself. I am trying to accomplish this by building on healthy actions and healthy decisions. It is difficult though.

Love Dave
Reply
#28
[quote pid='3069' dateline='1310372178']
Paula Wrote:Dear Gadaveuk

I am moved from your writings in many ways.

In being able to feel for me it demonstrates you are able to feel for your self and you can relate to me.. That is healthy.

I too carry a hurt child within, even if I haven´t heard from that child in many years.
I think as we heal we find that inner child still have the same want and needs as they did al those eyars ago before pain stunted our growth.

I agree with you that talking about the past does not necessary mean putting blame or carrying resentment.
In understanding what is and was unhealthy means we are setting up healthy boundaries today not expereinced before.

The disappointments of not being able to reach out and be seen for myself, to constantly feel misunderstood triggered a lot of rage towards my mother. She is not the one who hurt me as a child though.

Yet often we feel that our wants and needs were no fullfilled as innocent children.

And it is just like you said. My feelings for her stemmed from frustations and pain.

How can a person fullfill our wants and needs when theya re not able to fullfil their own wants and needs.

Today I relate to her in a very different way, because I dont try to change her anymore, in doing so we accpe the sernity prayer even though we may not even be religious.

I dont need her to fully understand me, and I can accept her for who she is. I love her very much.

That is very powerful in being able to nurture your own pains and accept her being her own self with her unehalthy flaws.

You have come along way.

When I told my mother i loved her nw no matter what she did or said she was lost for words.

She also understood she longer needed to search for apoproval from me any more.

Your whole life is focused on personal spiritual growth and understanding.

Then you are trully enlighetening your self and understanding how you tick.

Since very young age. I went to intensive psychodynamic therapy and finally felt understood and approved for being me,
Whow good for you putting such effort in to your self meant you valued your self.

Accomplishments builds confisence and self esteem.

My gamblingaddiction took off after I went  through therapy.

I wonder if you went gambling to escape how you felt in your self?

You had always been an obsessive personality is that waht you mean?

For me being obsessive is a way of deviating facing how we feel with in our self.

After you went in to therapy you  went quiet. Did that mean you were not able to put in to words your feelings?

It was like I had lost my words and I who used to talk with friends and family for hours and hours,

Was that you feeling nervous and uncomfortable with in your self often fear based.

You were being the strong supporting other, do you mean it was easier to face other people rather than face your self?

You began to isolate your self.

Was that fear based and lacking trust in other and lacking tust in your self?

I had so many thoughts and words on a deeper level that I couldnt express,

May be you peeled back your inner child and did not know ho wot porocess it pain?

You felt like no one understood.

Is that more about you did not understand your self?

It was like the meaning of using words was gone.

Maybe you were not able to heal and nurture your own pain fears and frsutrations.

And I started to doubt the power of symbolising pains and fears with words.

Understanding actions and cosequences helped us understand the choice we ahev today.

To move from unhealthy actions and take up new new well balanced healthy actions.

I began to doubt the value of selfgrowth.

Your honesty and openess is self growth and your honesty is your strength today..

You  felt confused, yes most people feel lost and lose direction in their lives.

More and more you began feeling desillusioned, in your self and others?

Admitting Hopeless and powerless is the beginning of setting up new boudaries and new spiritual standards in your life and in yoru relationships.

Spirtual growth gives meaning in our life with personal spiritual growth helping our self before all other people.

Self enlightenment turns meaningless in to self values..

You  began  to gamble to ride teh adrenlane rush and ride and live life in fear.

Going in to a depressive state means you turn your anger inwardly.

You couldnt think or feel for your self perceive hardly anything.

You had big memory lapses from this time. That could have been emotional trauma ?

Your thoughts and emotions are beginning to come back and I am a more humble person, bu no longer feel the resentnful victim any more?

Vulnerable in a new sense, maybe that is your inner child coming out now?

Pain of our past once ehaled becomes our strength.

Being stronger you are able to be more honest and open. very powerful indeed..

You are more dependent on having caring and loving people around me.

That sound slike a boundary on your part.

You are also more selfsufficient that is very healthy to fulfill your own wants and needs.

That is maturity and character bulding.

You are not as dependent on people approving of me anymore. That measn you know the truth about your self.

It sounds like you carry a lot less pain and anger and fear within your self now.

You will be able to work this through now as you are more honest than most.

Stopped gambling alone is not enough on its own.

Your higher power may be spiritual values practiced day by day.

Being an angry person you only hurt your self.

You have had difficulties expressing your anger.

Anger is a reaction to pain fear or frsutrations.

Your anger comes in the supressed form that means you live with walls of fear around you which is very sad.

It is healthy you are able to acknowledge it though.

Love to all!

Dave
[/quote]

Hi

Thank you for your sharing and your honesty.

I do hope that your recovery is coming on well.

I am less vulnerable these days.

Yet a week ago I did get angry and said things in an unhealthy way.

I tried to justify it yet knew it was very unhealthy.

I will learn from that experience an move on.

The humor I have with my wife Shirley is very powerful and we often laugh at our self.

Love and peace to you.

Dave
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#29
(30-11-2011, 12:52 PM)Roxannesins Wrote: Somehow it feels wrong to write it here, but I dont know where to and I need to try and get this out. I have to let my past go. I dont know if I would be able to share all of this in my meeting, or if it would serve any purpose, because I would feel like I am just selfpitying and taking up place. I dont know if it serves any purpose sharing it here either, but I am telling myself that I need to work on my trust, because I dont trust myself. There is something in your writings that  I can relate to and that I wish to grow into. I now both feel encouraged by your reply and a ashamed for taking up as much space as I am going to do. But here goes.

Here is my therapy.

It was two weeks prior to christmas. I, almost five years old at the time, was at my fathers place, with my father and a friend to him. The three of us was having a lot of fun. They were teaching me how to play poker. We played for money and I remember I won, a bit less than a pound, in one round. My father and his friend applauded me and I felt so happy, also
slightly embarrassed though, because I had a sense of they were letting me win.

Then I heard a noise, and again, and we realised that someone was throwing small stones on the window. My fathers apartment was on the second floor and I went out on the balcony, seeing my mother and one of her friends standing below. It was inbetween snowing and raining. They yelled at me to say to my father to go down in the stairhouse and let them into the apartmentsbuilding.

When my mother came into my fathers apartment and realised that my father and his friend were drinking beer, she got very upset. She got angry and began yelling at my father about he had promised not to drink while I was visiting.

I got afraid and felt sorry for my father. I tried to explain to my mother that we only had a good time, and that they had taught me poker, and look, I even won... My mother wouldnt hear my pleeds and she was still angry with my father. My father told me very calmly to listen to my mother because she was right. He said that I should go along with my mother and that I would meet him at another time. He said he was sorry.

I didnt want to leave, but my mother carried me out into the car and then we drove home.

I have a rather complicated childhood story. Stories like the one I just told happened several times, but in somewhat different shapes. But this pokergame I had forgotten all about and only came to realise at my meeting a while back when a fellow compulsive gambler told me about the first time he was exposed to gambling. My urge to gambling is tied closely to poker. Sometimes I also went binging on black jack when I felt too tired to play poker, but mostly just poker.

My mother was and is always there for me if I needed her. She has bailed me out so many times that I sometimes dont understand that she still would want me as her daughter. She has never been able to fully see and understand me though. And I have hurt her so many times.

When it comes to her emotions I listened to her and supported her for so many years. When it came to my emotions, she would feel threatened or tired or even accuse me of trying to hurt her, when all I wanted was for her to understand me better. Like I wrote earlier I have now stopped to try to reach her on a deeper level, because I know she and I are too different. I am not angry at her anymore but somethings still are painful to think about. I am trying to set healthy boundaries in my relationship towards her.

Like during my whole childhood she would say things, and then if we got into an argument and I would ask her about some of the things she said, she would completely deny them and say that I was making it up. And even when I tried to say things in the most non-threatening ways, she would still throw it back at me, telling me that I was just trying to get at her or put guilt on her. I know she never did any of this to hurt me, it is just that a part of her sees me as a despiteful and mean child. Part of her sees me as a child who always had to question things and ask the unnecessary and hard questions. She told me not to long agoe: even as a child you always had to critizise everything trying to put me down. I do remember asking a lot of questions, I also remember my mother working a lot and being tired so I always wanted to show her extra consideration, I dont remember critizising her. I know that she feels like I did though. Even so the biggest part of her however loves me, which she has proven far too many times by not leaving me.

When I was a child I truly wasnt despiteful though. And I truly wasnt mean. Even if she interpreted me that way. But like I said, I did ask many questions and wanted to discuss things. Partly because I wanted to be acknowledged. Partly because I was curious and wanted to understand about the world and about myself. But yes I felt hurt many times, and perhaps that
made my questions sound despiteful... I really dont know.

As a child my biggest rolemodel was Jesus. And I thought that if I could be as good and as pure as I possible could be, then perhaps I would be worthy of love. This included not only my action, but also my thoughts. I ought not to think mean things about others, but always try to understand and feel compassion instead. In many ways I was a very sad and misunderstood child. Atleast I felt that way. But I always tried to act and think good.

Noone else in my family went to church or was religious, and I got the feeling they thought it was a bit corky. Still it felt safe for me, and for a couple of years I went in the churchchoir and got free lessons by the leading church musician playing the organ. Sometimes I went to the church when I knew it was empty after school. Since I knew where the key was and I was allowed to go there practising the organ, I let myself in. I then would cry and pray that my father would come around and understand how much I loved him. And that noone was mad at him. Perhaps then could he be my father again. I was nine and ten years old.

My mother claims things about me, even to this day, like that I was a sour looser because sometimes I began to cry  when I lost a family board game. We both remember that I used to win most of the time. We both remember my big brothers bad temper, that he sometimes could through a gameboard off the table when he lost. We both remember that the family sometimes didnt want to play games with me because I mostly won. However, at some point, since I enjoyed playing different boardgames, I began to make bad descisions on purpose, beginning to loose on purpose, just so as they would continue play with me, and just so as my big brother wouldnt get mad at me. However at those times, after I lost they would say things to me like: aaa pooor Paula, too bad you didnt win this time. And that did make me feel upset because they sounded mean. And when seeing that I got upset they would begin to say to me that I was a sour looser, whereupon I would say that I wasnt, whereupon they would continue saying that I was, where upon I would start to cry. Not because I lost though...  My mother still claims though, that I was a horrible sour looser as a child, and when I have tried to explain to her that I wasnt, or just ask her please not to say that anymore because I dont feel like that is true  and it is hurtful for me to hear, she wont listen and just says that she has the right to say what she thinks, that she has the right to claim what she perceived, and to her, she knows that I was a sour looser. THat is the way she sees it and always will, and I cant do anything about that. It might only be a small insignificant thing, it still hurts though.

I have always been very sensitive, and easily have began to cry. But it was never intentionally or in a manipulative way. Mostly I cried because I felt misunderstood or because I felt unjustly treated. I cried because I had no words and couldnt protect myself. At those times my family came down pretty hard on me. Calling me spoiled and even worse making fun of me in rather mean ways. Therefore I learned to try to avoid all crying in the open, and when I needed to cry I ran out in the forrest above my house. There were a big rock that I used to climb up on, and there I could release my tears. Alone.

I dont think I was a child easy to love, I was too much searching for acknowledgements and propably got under peoples nerves. And I did have a lot of thoughts.

My father was hardly ever there for me, in the sense that my parents got divorced when I was younger than two, and after that I only saw him, i am not sure perhaps about ten times. Some of these times, because of my fathers drinking and the people that was around him at those moments, I was exposed to some traumatic situations. However, there is another side of the story. When me and my father was alone, I did feel like I was being seen and understood. He enjoyed discussing things with me. He took me outside teaching me about the forrest. He took me fishing. He taught me to ramble all the swedish kings and the years they were at the throne. He taught me to multiplicate and to spell difficult words, and he enjoyed it just as much as I did. This was before I had even begun school. Isnt that strange that even though I hardly never met him, I feel like he did understand me...

Everyone used to say that I was my fathers girl, and my older sister was my mothers girl.

Everyone used to downtalk my father, because he was an alcoholic, because he was hurting me and my sister, because he was a man.... yes that is the way the arguments tended to go. When I became a mother and went to family dinners with my daughter they began this similar downtalking men again. My daughters father didnt want to become a father and made the choice not to take part. But then I told them not to talk that way about men infront of my daughter. That I wanted her to make her own experiecnes about humans no matter if they were males or females. Even if their reactions were that she will only be disappointed in time when she starts seing men, and that it is better she is prepared, somehow, I dont know why and I am myself suprised, but they acutally have respected my wish. And atleast when I am present they dont talk like that anymore infront of my daughter.

Of course parts of their complaints about my father were valid though. His absence hurt me alot and I used to cry myself to sleep at nights because I missed him so horrible and I was so worried about the way he might be feeling or doing in his illness. I always cried as quiet as I could though, not to worry my mother because I knew she had so much on her plate already. I never heard my father downtalk anyone, except himself.

When I was fourteen and on my way to school I happened to bicycle past my father. I got a bit shocked, at that time I hadnt seen him in several years, and his hair had turned grey. Before it was all black. I was in a hurry and had so many mixed emotions towards him. So I turned my head the other way, pretending I hadnt seen him. Just as I turned my head away I saw him turning his head, him seeing me turning my head away. A couple of weeks later he phoned me up, being drunk and crying. Claiming to be the most horrible father when his own daughter didnt want to say hello to him. And I lied. I told him it wasnt me. I asked him when it was. And I told him it couldnt have been me. He said again, and I told him it wasnt me. And then I quickly excused myself telling him I had to rush off somewhere. And I hung up. And I felt like I had turned into Judas.

Some weeks later I manage to lurk out where he was currently living in another city. I went there one day without telling anyone and pressed the doorbell. First it was quiet. Then I heard his footsteps leading up to the door. There was a peepwhole in the door. Then quiet. Then the footsteps walked away again. I stood there frozen for a while, but didnt dare to press the doorbell again, so I finally walked away. I felt so ashamed.

Three years later I was home from summerholidays from school when the phone rang. I was home alone, answered and heard his voice: Hi.. do you hear who this is? I was filled with all sort of emotions, joy, fright, excitement, and answered him: Yes, I hear. I had butterflies in my whole body and tried to think up something to say, something to ask him, when he asked me if I could help him to look up a phonenumber in the phonenumberbook. I said sure and put down the phone, reliefed, because this would give me a minute to gather my thoughts and emotions. Happy and eager to speak with him, I searched through the phonenumberbook, found his number and lifted the phone once again. But he had hung up and was gone.

About 15 months later I got noticed that my father had died. In phneumonia. At that point I felt like I broke. I was at my school abroad and went down by the sea hiding behinds some cliffs. It was raining heavily and strong wind. And I was crying and screaming out loud. I was in so much pain. And I felt like I truly hated him for dying away from it all. I hated him for never coming through as my father.I was sitting there for a couple of hours and then a searchparty came and found me. Everyone was worried about me. I was wet and cold but told them that I would just sit alone for a short while still, then I would come back.  

I went to the funeral and I cursed him when I stood over his grave. At that moment I truly felt like I hated him. I was 18 years old.

A year before he died me and my sister talked with each other, saying that we almost wished that he was dead. Because if he was dead, we wouldnt have to hope anylonger. Hoping for him to come around. Hoping and waiting was the worst feelings for me ever.

I began to gamble heavily at the age of 30, briefly after I had finished my therapy which I told you about before, and I lost all control soon there after. I still went back though, several times, loosing it all over and over again.

Now it is twenty years since my father died. And I dont hate him anymore. But since I managed to abstain from gambling I have realised that I still miss him awfully... And it still hurts so bad when I think about him...

You are right Dave, that there is growth in me. I am beginning to find a calm within that is less illusive than it has been before. I still have a lot of fears though, and I am still finding it very hard to trust myself.

I am getting more and more aware of my fear of intimacy. Well I have always known I am afraid. But I am beginning to feel like I can work against this fear in new ways, not like before by roleplaying, or while gambling by avoiding, but by trying to
stay humble and trying not to be afraid. Somehow I know it is there in me somewhere even if I still bail out most of the time. I totally agree with you that protecting yourself in a healthy way has nothing to do with fear.

My meetings serve a great deal for me in my recovery. Not the least because I think it is the first group of people I have encountered where I feel like I am accepted and understood. Without being put on a piedestal. Without being judged. With all of my different traits of compulsiveness and how the gambling made me do so many awful things.

Thank you so much for writing that my answers are for me and always will be. I have always felt a sincere mistrust against  myself and my emotions. I am starting to think that perhaps it is wrong to think about my emotions in terms of being trustworthy, rather I should work towards accepting them for what they are.

Like instead of trying to figure out whether my feelings are right or wrong, perhaps I what I need to focus on is to question how I allow them to affect my behaviour in healthy or nonhealthy ways, how I allow them to affect my interactions with others in healthy and nonhealthy ways. One day at a time.

Sometimes it feels like everythings goes around in circles. And even if I understood or felt something a while back, the same issue comes back in a new shape, and I then need to understand it all over again, with some new dimension to it. I am so afraid that I again will fall back into destructive avoiding life behaviours, making myself into a failure, even if I deep down know I am not.

Love myself. Trust myself. I am trying to accomplish this by building on healthy actions and healthy descisions. It is difficult though.

Thank you. With warmth
Paula
Hi Paula

I find that a meeting which starts with a healthy therapy sets up a meeting to be more open and honest.

There were time that I wanted to be in a large meeting so that I could hide and not talk.

Sadly I wanted to open up but felt I was very inept and inadequate.

Sadly I could not articulate or explain my feelings and my emotions.

There will be people who are not able to open up and over time that can change.

In my time I have seen and felt pains and tears spilled in the meetings.

That vulnerability came out very raw.

Step five empowers us to open up to emotional intimacy.

Yet it is important to trust your own instincts regards opening up to people.

I make sure people are aware that I only meet in public places.

Love and more peace to you.

Dave
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#30
(06-07-2011, 11:52 AM)Paula Wrote: Dear Gadaveuk

I am moved from your writings in many ways.

I too carry a hurt child within, even if I haven´t heard from that child in many years.

I agree with you that talking about the past does not necessary mean putting blame or carrying resentment. There was a time when I did that. The disappointments of not being able to reach out and be seen for myself, to constantly feel misunderstood triggered a lot of rage towards my mother. She is not the one who hurt me as a child though.

And it is just like you said. My feelings for her stemmed from frustations and pain. Today I relate to her in a very different way, because I dont try to change her anymore, I dont need her to fully understand me, and I can accept her for who she is. I love her very much.

I did come a long way. My whole life was focused on personal growth and understanding. Since very young age. I went to intensive psychodynamic therapy and finally felt understood and approved for being me, not for my accomplishments. My gamblingaddiction took off after I went  through therapy. Even if I had always been an addictive personality.

After therapy I went quiet. It was like I had lost my words and I who used to talk with friends and family for hours and hours, being the strong supporting other, began to isolate myself. I had so many thoughts and words on a deeper level that I couldnt express, and when I did I felt like noone understood. It was like the meaning of using words was gone. And I started to doubt the power of symbolising pains and fears with words. I began to doubt the value of selfgrowth.

I felt confused, and more and more began feeling desillusioned, hopeless and powerless. My meaning in life was personal growth and helping other people. Now everything turned meaningless. I began  to gamble and it further pushed me into a depressive state where everything in my brain was like cotton and I couldnt think or perceive hardly anything. I have big memorylapses from this time.

Since a couple of years I am not really depressed anymore. My thoughts and emotions are beginning to come back and I am a more humble person, vulnerable in a new sense, but also stronger. I am more dependent on having caring and loving people around me. But I am also more selfsufficient and not as dependent on people approving of me anymore.

I realise that I probably still carry a lot of pain and anger and fear within, since I am a  compulsive gambler, and I keep hurting myself and the people I care about. There is no reason why I would be this selfdestructive otherwise.  Hopefully I will be able to work this through now that I have stopped gambling, if I manage to get in touch with my higher power, which is still illusive to me.  It is also difficult because I don´t feel like an angry person and I have always have had difficulties expressing anger. My anger comes in the supressed form and I am not able to acknowledge it.

It feels helpful for me to focus on my behaviour and feelings towards one new day at a time, since I tend to forget what it is like to be happy and enjoy. I believe the past is important to get in touch with and heal my inner child, but I believe that focusing on today could make all the difference.

Love to all!

Hi

It takes time to set boundaries built on peace.

To value our self and nurture that hurt inner child takes time.

It is difficult to become selfish in a healthy way, to place our self first.

It means moving away from person pleasing and trying to get acceptance.

Once we care about our self first then we an get focused on other people.

By being selfish is not about greed or material things.

It is about holding our self equal to all people.

The past is not who we are today, by demonstrating spiritual values to our self we are able to demonstrating spiritual values to other people.

As our fears reduce we will feel more comfortable in our self.

And other people over time will feel more comfortable in being with us.

Love and best wishes.

Dave
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