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Understanding Step one and step two.
#41
(09-09-2021, 05:07 AM)gadaveuk Wrote:
(13-12-2011, 03:58 PM)Roxannesins Wrote: I don´t know how to work through my pains and my fears. It just hurts so bad and last week I did return to gambling, like putting my emotions in quarantine. Just feeling all numb from lack of selfcaring, avoiding everything, just sitting gambling at my computer.

Writing my marathon post and admitting it, then waiting and wondering whether it would be approved or not. I am ashamed to say but I didn´t handle it all very well.

Feelings of abandonment, vulnerability, being misunderstood, being despised and judged, even if I somehow know these emotions aren´t rational. Also feeling of shame for not knowing how to deal with my past but continuing to let it haunt me.

Reading your answer makes the pain break through the numbness again.

I wish I knew how to heal and nurture my pains and fears. I wish I knew when I am going to be able to let byegones be byegones. How many tears are there?

Trying to focus one day at a time has helped me and I know there is strenght in chosing to create a good day for yourself. But what do you do when past pains comes up to the surface? Just push it down again or allow the tears to run freely and be honest to your emotions? But if you try to stay honest and open to your emotions, why do they keep coming back?!?

I don´t understand I am all confused and filled with mixed emotions. I am so sick and tired of my tears.

I realise that I am all a little child right now and I sincerly apoldigize for that. I have a long way to go.

I did manage to abstain for five months, and I have not given up. Just starting from zero again.
Hi

To work through my pains and face your fears took and even takes time up to now but it is possible, only once we are able to abstain from unhealthy habits.

The healing process enables us to live our life with less and less. Our deep Therapies help our fears reduce more and more we can be our self how ever vulnerable we feel.

You acknowledging that your addiction or obsessions are hurts your self and limits us from having the ability to feel for our self. 

I am saddened to hear it was bad and last week you did return to gambling, do you understands what your emotional trigger was.

Yes pain on pain causes deep trauma and in some cases PTSD.

I would suppress my emotions and emotions in quarantine, it was self abuse and I missed out on intimacy with myself and other people.

Being traumatized and not feeling being all numb out from lack of self caring.

It was hard to learn how to nurture and be loving towards myself and other people.

Procrastinating, avoiding everything, and every one was so much me in the past, just sitting at my computer was a form of self isolating myself.

Writing your marathon post and admitting it is and was very powerful.

Then you were waiting and wondering whether it would be approved or not, did not you think out were not worthy of having a voice.

You say you were ashamed of exposing your self, no it was very powerful, you have given your hurt little girl a voice to speak out with.

You say that you did not handle it all very well.

Yes it was a new experience you were living it out, well done.

Feelings of abandonment, vulnerability, being misunderstood, being despised and judged, even if I somehow know these emotions are not rational. Also feeling of shame for not knowing how to deal with my past but continuing to let it haunt me.

I try hard to learn from my past and not relive it over and over again.

Reading your answer makes the pain break through the numbness again.

I wish I knew how to heal and nurture my pains and fears. I wish I knew when I am going to be able to let bye gones be bye gones.

Once I started to heal process dealing with the past became less and less painful.

How many tears are there?

How ever many it takes.

Trying to focus one day at a time has helped me and I know there is strength in choosing to create a good day for yourself.

Yes as my pains healed I started to have much healthier days and my fears reduced much quicker.

Living in fear all of the time does not resolve things at all.

But what do you do when past pains comes up to the surface?

I give  my hurt inner child the permission to have a voice based up on inner peace. 

Just push it down again or allow the tears to run freely and be honest to your emotions? But if you try to stay honest and open to your emotions,

Why do they keep coming back?!?

There is far more pain to heal.

I did not understand the pain coming out, yet in time they reduced and healed.

I realise that I am all a little child right now and I sincerely apologize for that.

Why should you feel guilty for your hurt inner girl in having a voice.

You have a long way to go, yes may be but once you heal life opens up for you..

You managed to abstain for five months, that is very powerful.

You are worth becoming healthier and healthier there are so many many needs wants and goals you can achieve.

You are not starting from zero again.

Every test and every lesson you learn more about your self what is healthy and what is unhealthy.

Love and peace Dave
[quote pid='3826' dateline='1323791897']
stain for five months, and I have not given up. Just starting from zero again.
[/quote]
Hi

To work through my pains and face your fears took and even takes time up to now but it is possible, only once we are able to abstain from unhealthy habits.

The healing process enables us to live our life with less and less. Our deep Therapies help our fears reduce more and more we can be our self how ever vulnerable we feel.

You acknowledging that your addiction or obsessions are hurts your self and limits us from having the ability to feel for our self. 

I am saddened to hear it was bad and last week you did return to gambling, do you understands what your emotional trigger was.

Yes pain on pain causes deep trauma and in some cases PTSD.

I would suppress my emotions and emotions in quarantine, it was self abuse and I missed out on intimacy with myself and other people.

Being traumatized and not feeling being all numb out from lack of self caring.

It was hard to learn how to nurture and be loving towards myself and other people.

Procrastinating, avoiding everything, and every one was so much me in the past, just sitting at my computer was a form of self isolating myself.

Writing your marathon post and admitting it is and was very powerful.

Then you were waiting and wondering whether it would be approved or not, did not you think out were not worthy of having a voice.

You say you were ashamed of exposing your self, no it was very powerful, you have given your hurt little girl a voice to speak out with.

You say that you did not handle it all very well.

Yes it was a new experience you were living it out, well done.

Feelings of abandonment, vulnerability, being misunderstood, being despised and judged, even if I somehow know these emotions are not rational. Also feeling of shame for not knowing how to deal with my past but continuing to let it haunt me.

I try hard to learn from my past and not relive it over and over again.

Reading your answer makes the pain break through the numbness again.

I wish I knew how to heal and nurture my pains and fears. I wish I knew when I am going to be able to let bye gones be bye gones.

Once I started to heal process dealing with the past became less and less painful.

How many tears are there?

How ever many it takes.

Trying to focus one day at a time has helped me and I know there is strength in choosing to create a good day for yourself.

Yes as my pains healed I started to have much healthier days and my fears reduced much quicker.

Living in fear all of the time does not resolve things at all.

But what do you do when past pains comes up to the surface?

I give  my hurt inner child the permission to have a voice based up on inner peace. 

Just push it down again or allow the tears to run freely and be honest to your emotions? But if you try to stay honest and open to your emotions,

Why do they keep coming back?!?

There is far more pain to heal.

I did not understand the pain coming out, yet in time they reduced and healed.

I realise that I am all a little child right now and I sincerely apologize for that.

Why should you feel guilty for your hurt inner girl in having a voice.

You have a long way to go, yes may be but once you heal life opens up for you..

You managed to abstain for five months, that is very powerful.

You are worth becoming healthier and healthier there are so many many needs wants and goals you can achieve.

You are not starting from zero again.

Every test and every lesson you learn more about your self what is healthy and what is unhealthy.

Love and peace Dave
Reply
#42
(30-11-2011, 12:52 PM)Roxannesins Wrote: Somehow it feels wrong to write it here, but I dont know where to and I need to try and get this out. I have to let my past go. I dont know if I would be able to share all of this in my meeting, or if it would serve any purpose, because I would feel like I am just selfpitying and taking up place. I dont know if it serves any purpose sharing it here either, but I am telling myself that I need to work on my trust, because I dont trust myself. There is something in your writings that  I can relate to and that I wish to grow into. I now both feel encouraged by your reply and a ashamed for taking up as much space as I am going to do. But here goes.

Here is my therapy.

It was two weeks prior to christmas. I, almost five years old at the time, was at my fathers place, with my father and a friend to him. The three of us was having a lot of fun. They were teaching me how to play poker. We played for money and I remember I won, a bit less than a pound, in one round. My father and his friend applauded me and I felt so happy, also
slightly embarrassed though, because I had a sense of they were letting me win.

Then I heard a noise, and again, and we realised that someone was throwing small stones on the window. My fathers apartment was on the second floor and I went out on the balcony, seeing my mother and one of her friends standing below. It was inbetween snowing and raining. They yelled at me to say to my father to go down in the stairhouse and let them into the apartmentsbuilding.

When my mother came into my fathers apartment and realised that my father and his friend were drinking beer, she got very upset. She got angry and began yelling at my father about he had promised not to drink while I was visiting.

I got afraid and felt sorry for my father. I tried to explain to my mother that we only had a good time, and that they had taught me poker, and look, I even won... My mother wouldnt hear my pleeds and she was still angry with my father. My father told me very calmly to listen to my mother because she was right. He said that I should go along with my mother and that I would meet him at another time. He said he was sorry.

I didnt want to leave, but my mother carried me out into the car and then we drove home.

I have a rather complicated childhood story. Stories like the one I just told happened several times, but in somewhat different shapes. But this pokergame I had forgotten all about and only came to realise at my meeting a while back when a fellow compulsive gambler told me about the first time he was exposed to gambling. My urge to gambling is tied closely to poker. Sometimes I also went binging on black jack when I felt too tired to play poker, but mostly just poker.

My mother was and is always there for me if I needed her. She has bailed me out so many times that I sometimes dont understand that she still would want me as her daughter. She has never been able to fully see and understand me though. And I have hurt her so many times.

When it comes to her emotions I listened to her and supported her for so many years. When it came to my emotions, she would feel threatened or tired or even accuse me of trying to hurt her, when all I wanted was for her to understand me better. Like I wrote earlier I have now stopped to try to reach her on a deeper level, because I know she and I are too different. I am not angry at her anymore but somethings still are painful to think about. I am trying to set healthy boundaries in my relationship towards her.

Like during my whole childhood she would say things, and then if we got into an argument and I would ask her about some of the things she said, she would completely deny them and say that I was making it up. And even when I tried to say things in the most non-threatening ways, she would still throw it back at me, telling me that I was just trying to get at her or put guilt on her. I know she never did any of this to hurt me, it is just that a part of her sees me as a despiteful and mean child. Part of her sees me as a child who always had to question things and ask the unnecessary and hard questions. She told me not to long agoe: even as a child you always had to critizise everything trying to put me down. I do remember asking a lot of questions, I also remember my mother working a lot and being tired so I always wanted to show her extra consideration, I dont remember critizising her. I know that she feels like I did though. Even so the biggest part of her however loves me, which she has proven far too many times by not leaving me.

When I was a child I truly wasnt despiteful though. And I truly wasnt mean. Even if she interpreted me that way. But like I said, I did ask many questions and wanted to discuss things. Partly because I wanted to be acknowledged. Partly because I was curious and wanted to understand about the world and about myself. But yes I felt hurt many times, and perhaps that
made my questions sound despiteful... I really dont know.

As a child my biggest rolemodel was Jesus. And I thought that if I could be as good and as pure as I possible could be, then perhaps I would be worthy of love. This included not only my action, but also my thoughts. I ought not to think mean things about others, but always try to understand and feel compassion instead. In many ways I was a very sad and misunderstood child. Atleast I felt that way. But I always tried to act and think good.

Noone else in my family went to church or was religious, and I got the feeling they thought it was a bit corky. Still it felt safe for me, and for a couple of years I went in the churchchoir and got free lessons by the leading church musician playing the organ. Sometimes I went to the church when I knew it was empty after school. Since I knew where the key was and I was allowed to go there practising the organ, I let myself in. I then would cry and pray that my father would come around and understand how much I loved him. And that noone was mad at him. Perhaps then could he be my father again. I was nine and ten years old.

My mother claims things about me, even to this day, like that I was a sour looser because sometimes I began to cry  when I lost a family board game. We both remember that I used to win most of the time. We both remember my big brothers bad temper, that he sometimes could through a gameboard off the table when he lost. We both remember that the family sometimes didnt want to play games with me because I mostly won. However, at some point, since I enjoyed playing different boardgames, I began to make bad descisions on purpose, beginning to loose on purpose, just so as they would continue play with me, and just so as my big brother wouldnt get mad at me. However at those times, after I lost they would say things to me like: aaa pooor Paula, too bad you didnt win this time. And that did make me feel upset because they sounded mean. And when seeing that I got upset they would begin to say to me that I was a sour looser, whereupon I would say that I wasnt, whereupon they would continue saying that I was, where upon I would start to cry. Not because I lost though...  My mother still claims though, that I was a horrible sour looser as a child, and when I have tried to explain to her that I wasnt, or just ask her please not to say that anymore because I dont feel like that is true  and it is hurtful for me to hear, she wont listen and just says that she has the right to say what she thinks, that she has the right to claim what she perceived, and to her, she knows that I was a sour looser. THat is the way she sees it and always will, and I cant do anything about that. It might only be a small insignificant thing, it still hurts though.

I have always been very sensitive, and easily have began to cry. But it was never intentionally or in a manipulative way. Mostly I cried because I felt misunderstood or because I felt unjustly treated. I cried because I had no words and couldnt protect myself. At those times my family came down pretty hard on me. Calling me spoiled and even worse making fun of me in rather mean ways. Therefore I learned to try to avoid all crying in the open, and when I needed to cry I ran out in the forrest above my house. There were a big rock that I used to climb up on, and there I could release my tears. Alone.

I dont think I was a child easy to love, I was too much searching for acknowledgements and propably got under peoples nerves. And I did have a lot of thoughts.

My father was hardly ever there for me, in the sense that my parents got divorced when I was younger than two, and after that I only saw him, i am not sure perhaps about ten times. Some of these times, because of my fathers drinking and the people that was around him at those moments, I was exposed to some traumatic situations. However, there is another side of the story. When me and my father was alone, I did feel like I was being seen and understood. He enjoyed discussing things with me. He took me outside teaching me about the forrest. He took me fishing. He taught me to ramble all the swedish kings and the years they were at the throne. He taught me to multiplicate and to spell difficult words, and he enjoyed it just as much as I did. This was before I had even begun school. Isnt that strange that even though I hardly never met him, I feel like he did understand me...

Everyone used to say that I was my fathers girl, and my older sister was my mothers girl.

Everyone used to downtalk my father, because he was an alcoholic, because he was hurting me and my sister, because he was a man.... yes that is the way the arguments tended to go. When I became a mother and went to family dinners with my daughter they began this similar downtalking men again. My daughters father didnt want to become a father and made the choice not to take part. But then I told them not to talk that way about men infront of my daughter. That I wanted her to make her own experiecnes about humans no matter if they were males or females. Even if their reactions were that she will only be disappointed in time when she starts seing men, and that it is better she is prepared, somehow, I dont know why and I am myself suprised, but they acutally have respected my wish. And atleast when I am present they dont talk like that anymore infront of my daughter.

Of course parts of their complaints about my father were valid though. His absence hurt me alot and I used to cry myself to sleep at nights because I missed him so horrible and I was so worried about the way he might be feeling or doing in his illness. I always cried as quiet as I could though, not to worry my mother because I knew she had so much on her plate already. I never heard my father downtalk anyone, except himself.

When I was fourteen and on my way to school I happened to bicycle past my father. I got a bit shocked, at that time I hadnt seen him in several years, and his hair had turned grey. Before it was all black. I was in a hurry and had so many mixed emotions towards him. So I turned my head the other way, pretending I hadnt seen him. Just as I turned my head away I saw him turning his head, him seeing me turning my head away. A couple of weeks later he phoned me up, being drunk and crying. Claiming to be the most horrible father when his own daughter didnt want to say hello to him. And I lied. I told him it wasnt me. I asked him when it was. And I told him it couldnt have been me. He said again, and I told him it wasnt me. And then I quickly excused myself telling him I had to rush off somewhere. And I hung up. And I felt like I had turned into Judas.

Some weeks later I manage to lurk out where he was currently living in another city. I went there one day without telling anyone and pressed the doorbell. First it was quiet. Then I heard his footsteps leading up to the door. There was a peepwhole in the door. Then quiet. Then the footsteps walked away again. I stood there frozen for a while, but didnt dare to press the doorbell again, so I finally walked away. I felt so ashamed.

Three years later I was home from summerholidays from school when the phone rang. I was home alone, answered and heard his voice: Hi.. do you hear who this is? I was filled with all sort of emotions, joy, fright, excitement, and answered him: Yes, I hear. I had butterflies in my whole body and tried to think up something to say, something to ask him, when he asked me if I could help him to look up a phonenumber in the phonenumberbook. I said sure and put down the phone, reliefed, because this would give me a minute to gather my thoughts and emotions. Happy and eager to speak with him, I searched through the phonenumberbook, found his number and lifted the phone once again. But he had hung up and was gone.

About 15 months later I got noticed that my father had died. In phneumonia. At that point I felt like I broke. I was at my school abroad and went down by the sea hiding behinds some cliffs. It was raining heavily and strong wind. And I was crying and screaming out loud. I was in so much pain. And I felt like I truly hated him for dying away from it all. I hated him for never coming through as my father.I was sitting there for a couple of hours and then a searchparty came and found me. Everyone was worried about me. I was wet and cold but told them that I would just sit alone for a short while still, then I would come back.  

I went to the funeral and I cursed him when I stood over his grave. At that moment I truly felt like I hated him. I was 18 years old.

A year before he died me and my sister talked with each other, saying that we almost wished that he was dead. Because if he was dead, we wouldnt have to hope anylonger. Hoping for him to come around. Hoping and waiting was the worst feelings for me ever.

I began to gamble heavily at the age of 30, briefly after I had finished my therapy which I told you about before, and I lost all control soon there after. I still went back though, several times, loosing it all over and over again.

Now it is twenty years since my father died. And I dont hate him anymore. But since I managed to abstain from gambling I have realised that I still miss him awfully... And it still hurts so bad when I think about him...

You are right Dave, that there is growth in me. I am beginning to find a calm within that is less illusive than it has been before. I still have a lot of fears though, and I am still finding it very hard to trust myself.

I am getting more and more aware of my fear of intimacy. Well I have always known I am afraid. But I am beginning to feel like I can work against this fear in new ways, not like before by roleplaying, or while gambling by avoiding, but by trying to
stay humble and trying not to be afraid. Somehow I know it is there in me somewhere even if I still bail out most of the time. I totally agree with you that protecting yourself in a healthy way has nothing to do with fear.

My meetings serve a great deal for me in my recovery. Not the least because I think it is the first group of people I have encountered where I feel like I am accepted and understood. Without being put on a piedestal. Without being judged. With all of my different traits of compulsiveness and how the gambling made me do so many awful things.

Thank you so much for writing that my answers are for me and always will be. I have always felt a sincere mistrust against  myself and my emotions. I am starting to think that perhaps it is wrong to think about my emotions in terms of being trustworthy, rather I should work towards accepting them for what they are.

Like instead of trying to figure out whether my feelings are right or wrong, perhaps I what I need to focus on is to question how I allow them to affect my behaviour in healthy or nonhealthy ways, how I allow them to affect my interactions with others in healthy and nonhealthy ways. One day at a time.

Sometimes it feels like everythings goes around in circles. And even if I understood or felt something a while back, the same issue comes back in a new shape, and I then need to understand it all over again, with some new dimension to it. I am so afraid that I again will fall back into destructive avoiding life behaviours, making myself into a failure, even if I deep down know I am not.

Love myself. Trust myself. I am trying to accomplish this by building on healthy actions and healthy descisions. It is difficult though.

Thank you. With warmth
Paula
Hi

In my recovery one thing I learned for myself was the wants and I needed as a child people were unable to give me.

In time I would learn that I am only able to love another person as much as I love myself.

The pains of my past caused fears in me that I did not understand.

By giving therapies I was able to over come my fears and over time they did reduce.

In seeing and hearing therapies I would see and feel myself and my feelings in other people.

You exposing your self is very powerful.

Once we get the simple fact that the recovery program is dedicated to heal from our pains.

Yet by only abstaining all unhealthy habits can the healing come in to play.

The anxieties fears and stresses did not help me or anyone close close to me.

My last bet of gambling seemed so important to me at one time.

Time clean helps me understand more about what is healthy and what is unhealthy.

The surrender in my recovery was not a weakness but a strength which grew from with in me.

I have often forgotten when my last bet was.

I have taken my recovery very seriously, it has helped me to save my life.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham
Reply
#43
Hi

There were many kinds of abuse in my earlier years.

There was neglect, emotional abuse. physical abuse, and sexual abuse, there came a time when I closed up in my pain and trauma and the walls of fear built around me so that it was impossible for me to get out of myself.

I walked in to the recovery program doubting any thing or any one could help me from my addictions and obsessions.

I use to think that my legs twitching were normal.

I use to think that not being able to have intimate relationships was normal.

Yes for sure I was so confused and lost and did not even know myself or understand myself.

Would one think that I am here now fix me works.

Was I paying the victim thinking I could no or would not get healthy.

Time off my gambling would make me happy and healthy and secure.

Well the drain of funds would reduce.

The simple fact that the trauma in my life adversely affected my ability to learn and take in information so education was a no go for me.

Walked out of school gates 15 years of age thinking I was free, not so.

At one time I said to myself I wanted to do nothing with my life.

Then I had the choice, I went to the coast in a caravan and did nothing for one year.

I then knew that I did not want to do nothing with my life.

Yet what are my choices did I understand my needs my wants, did I understand what goals were.

What is motivation it is done through anger and resentments.

Then you walk in to the recovery program, what is it.

If I do nothing will it fix me.

So abstaining is my purpose to abstain and do nothing else with my life but work.

Then time in abstaining, I knew that I needed to do more in my recovery, that I needed to replace each unhealthy habit with healthy habit, simply one at a time.

So at one time I attended electronics course in Electronic engineering.

After my exams I asked every one what there answers were to some of the questions.

Every ones answers were different to mine.

The assumption I made and assumed was that I had failed once more in my life.

Shirley and I returned back home to fin exam results on the door step.

I was just in the process of tearing up the envelope with out opening the envelope and seeing my results.

Shirley asked me why would I not open it and see the results, seeing I was a failure again would be to painful

Well Shirley got me to open up the envelope and look at the results and I had in fact passed on my classes.

How hard was it to be kind to myself.

How hard was it to be nurturing and encouraging to myself.

How hard was it to admit that I had been living in fear most of my life.

When asked in to the office my instant reaction what have I done wrong this time.

Is that in any way healthy.

To not try some thing new I am cheating myself.

To learn to measure twice and cut once.

To plan work out sequence to do some skillful things and have confidence in myself.

One day on the road I break down, man pulls up and helps me get car working.

I put my hand in to my pocket to give him money and he asked what are you doing, I told him I wanted to show my appreciation.

He explained he did it because he wanted to do it, no reward no money nothing, helping me gave him pleasure.

He gave of him self unconditionally.

I think he is nuts and I am the sane person.

Later in my recovery lady parked on the edge of the road, I puled up asked if I could help her, she had run out of petrol.

I pulled petrol can out of my boot and started to put petrol in to her tank.

Her instant reaction is I have to give you money, I asked why, she told me she would feel guilty accepting my petrol, yet I was willing to give it to her.

Why should you feel guilty if I am willing to give it to you?

Now at this instant she thinks that I am insane, yet in her I saw myself a vulnerable person.

Can I ask for help today.

Do I express my gratitude and appreciation to all people today.

Can I ask for directions I a store.

Can I apologize with out feeling guilty.

Can I do some thing with out being obsessive about it.

Can I have balance in my life today.

A simple question is if I knew I had only one day to live what would be important that day.

This question if asked of our self gets us to understand what is the most important thing in our life today and get focused on those things.

After a conference I attended in the USA I was in a hotel.

In the early hours of he morning I m having a walk around the hotel, I sea a man looking very sad and alone.

We talked for some time and then once we have ended the chat I was going to leave and then he asked me, do you know what I am going to do today. Puzzled I asked please tell.

The man told me he was going to tell his son that he loved him.

That share with a stranger had very powerful consequences.

He over came his fears and was going to interact in a very healthy way that would change his son and his life.

It was his choice, he understood the most important person in his life was his son, he was going to let him know how he felt.

This is not rare, in meetings we often start to get the light bulb moment that helps us get our arse in to gear.

The recovery program was never going to stop me gambling.

That was my choice my decision, to understand that giving up my unhealthy habits would change my life and how I felt.

Clarity and understanding helps us get even more motivated towards our needs wants and our goals.

In my recovery there were many moments in a one to one moment that has been very powerful.

Those walls of fear reduce and reduce, the trust grows and the there is intimacy moments.

Those fears drop to single numbers.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham
Reply
#44
Hi

I walked in to the recovery program very lost confused inept inadequate and insecure.

There was confusion in me that what I thought was fun and exciting was a form of self abuse.

What did recovery mean, today I understand that the word recovery is about healing.

The addiction gambling and other addictions and obsessions were the symptoms I was I was emotionally vulnerable.

To abstain from my addiction was to stop causing myself and others further pains and fears.

Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand.

Once I abstain from my addiction only the could the healing process begin.

It was not possible to heal the pains of the past if I was hurting myself today.

Only once I crossed the invisible line in the rooms of recovery and over came my fears and gave a therapy would I come out of myself.

Being emotionally vulnerable I had lost the ability to have emotional intimacy, sadly I was not able to be a loving person until I learned to love myself and be free of my fears.

I was my own worst enemy, I could no articulate my emotions and feelings, some the deep seated emotional pains were buried and suppressed from my conscious mind, some were just buried under the surface and came out in uncontrollable rage.

Staying focused on my therapies I would see and feel myself in other people, in time when pains were healed and resolved, I would find a healthy empathy for myself, and only then I would have a healthy empathy for other people.

My empathy for myself was very powerful, as I found healing times combined with counselling I would find more about my hurt inner child.

As my hurt inner child healed life opened up so much for me.

The more I got in to recovery and healing I could understand why text in recovery caused confusion as to how recovery worked.

It is very important to have our questioned answered by a very healthy sponsor.

A healthy sponsor will have a healthy two way in depth street intimacy, they should be nurturing encouraging and non threatening, a healthy sponsor will adjust to your speed of recovery, a healthy sponsor will not take any credit for any part of your recovery, a healthy sponsor will be respectful of your wishes, a healthy sponsor will encourage you to share with every one, a healthy sponsor will ask for your relationship to be kept anonymous.

The recovery program is very much like mountain climbers tied together by rope, in this way we learn safely and slowly the healthiest way to deal with our life, and how to understand our emotional triggers.

By letting go of talking about the gambling and money lost we are giving up living in the past, we are not able to change the past but we learn to learn from it in health ways and to no longer beat our self up.

Our new found path in life is very much like mountain climbers slow and safely.

There have been many time and many people who want to rush their recovery with tragic painful consequences, remember ne matter when our last bet was keep going to meetings and talk to some one when you are vulnerable.

I was very much a loner, I put on a facade built on my fears, I made out I knew all the answers, that was living a lie, that was living in fear, that was hiding the fact I felt so inadequate insecure inept and could not even ask for help.

There have been many times people will exchange one addition to another addiction or obsession.

I like many use to escape in my fears to soap television and doing other things obsessively.

It is important to exchange all of our unhealthy habits in to healthy habits but have balance in our life.

It was important to write down my needs my wants and my goals.

To have a list each day and have the day planned out, it helped have clarity and focus, and if some one lets me down have an alternative thing to do.

If some one lets me down do not internalize it, that is covered by the serenity prayer.

It was healthy and important for me to become more reliable, to be more accountable to myself and to not excuse myself when I do not keep to my commitments.

If any thing these days I more and more precise in being on time.

If you see some one keeping to speed limit that is me being healthy, if you see some one being polite and grateful that is me being healthy, if you see some one holding the door open that is me being healthy.

Me being healthy means I value myself today.

If I knew I only had one day to live what would be the most important things in my life that day, time and healthy relationships, no not money, no not car or house or even what people think about me.

By me being healthy pride grows, guilt drops, confidence grows procrastination drops, trusts grows fears drop, patience grows impatience drop, and so it goes on.

Do I want healthy today, do I want to learn from my unhealthy past and no longer live in it.

I understand that I could not have peace clarity focus motivation calmness if I was still being emotionally vulnerable and living in my fears every day.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham
Reply
#45
(30-11-2011, 12:52 PM)Roxannesins Wrote: Somehow it feels wrong to write it here, but I dont know where to and I need to try and get this out. I have to let my past go. I dont know if I would be able to share all of this in my meeting, or if it would serve any purpose, because I would feel like I am just selfpitying and taking up place. I dont know if it serves any purpose sharing it here either, but I am telling myself that I need to work on my trust, because I dont trust myself. There is something in your writings that  I can relate to and that I wish to grow into. I now both feel encouraged by your reply and a ashamed for taking up as much space as I am going to do. But here goes.

Here is my therapy.

It was two weeks prior to christmas. I, almost five years old at the time, was at my fathers place, with my father and a friend to him. The three of us was having a lot of fun. They were teaching me how to play poker. We played for money and I remember I won, a bit less than a pound, in one round. My father and his friend applauded me and I felt so happy, also
slightly embarrassed though, because I had a sense of they were letting me win.

Then I heard a noise, and again, and we realised that someone was throwing small stones on the window. My fathers apartment was on the second floor and I went out on the balcony, seeing my mother and one of her friends standing below. It was inbetween snowing and raining. They yelled at me to say to my father to go down in the stairhouse and let them into the apartmentsbuilding.

When my mother came into my fathers apartment and realised that my father and his friend were drinking beer, she got very upset. She got angry and began yelling at my father about he had promised not to drink while I was visiting.

I got afraid and felt sorry for my father. I tried to explain to my mother that we only had a good time, and that they had taught me poker, and look, I even won... My mother wouldnt hear my pleeds and she was still angry with my father. My father told me very calmly to listen to my mother because she was right. He said that I should go along with my mother and that I would meet him at another time. He said he was sorry.

I didnt want to leave, but my mother carried me out into the car and then we drove home.

I have a rather complicated childhood story. Stories like the one I just told happened several times, but in somewhat different shapes. But this pokergame I had forgotten all about and only came to realise at my meeting a while back when a fellow compulsive gambler told me about the first time he was exposed to gambling. My urge to gambling is tied closely to poker. Sometimes I also went binging on black jack when I felt too tired to play poker, but mostly just poker.

My mother was and is always there for me if I needed her. She has bailed me out so many times that I sometimes dont understand that she still would want me as her daughter. She has never been able to fully see and understand me though. And I have hurt her so many times.

When it comes to her emotions I listened to her and supported her for so many years. When it came to my emotions, she would feel threatened or tired or even accuse me of trying to hurt her, when all I wanted was for her to understand me better. Like I wrote earlier I have now stopped to try to reach her on a deeper level, because I know she and I are too different. I am not angry at her anymore but somethings still are painful to think about. I am trying to set healthy boundaries in my relationship towards her.

Like during my whole childhood she would say things, and then if we got into an argument and I would ask her about some of the things she said, she would completely deny them and say that I was making it up. And even when I tried to say things in the most non-threatening ways, she would still throw it back at me, telling me that I was just trying to get at her or put guilt on her. I know she never did any of this to hurt me, it is just that a part of her sees me as a despiteful and mean child. Part of her sees me as a child who always had to question things and ask the unnecessary and hard questions. She told me not to long agoe: even as a child you always had to critizise everything trying to put me down. I do remember asking a lot of questions, I also remember my mother working a lot and being tired so I always wanted to show her extra consideration, I dont remember critizising her. I know that she feels like I did though. Even so the biggest part of her however loves me, which she has proven far too many times by not leaving me.

When I was a child I truly wasnt despiteful though. And I truly wasnt mean. Even if she interpreted me that way. But like I said, I did ask many questions and wanted to discuss things. Partly because I wanted to be acknowledged. Partly because I was curious and wanted to understand about the world and about myself. But yes I felt hurt many times, and perhaps that
made my questions sound despiteful... I really dont know.

As a child my biggest rolemodel was Jesus. And I thought that if I could be as good and as pure as I possible could be, then perhaps I would be worthy of love. This included not only my action, but also my thoughts. I ought not to think mean things about others, but always try to understand and feel compassion instead. In many ways I was a very sad and misunderstood child. Atleast I felt that way. But I always tried to act and think good.

Noone else in my family went to church or was religious, and I got the feeling they thought it was a bit corky. Still it felt safe for me, and for a couple of years I went in the churchchoir and got free lessons by the leading church musician playing the organ. Sometimes I went to the church when I knew it was empty after school. Since I knew where the key was and I was allowed to go there practising the organ, I let myself in. I then would cry and pray that my father would come around and understand how much I loved him. And that noone was mad at him. Perhaps then could he be my father again. I was nine and ten years old.

My mother claims things about me, even to this day, like that I was a sour looser because sometimes I began to cry  when I lost a family board game. We both remember that I used to win most of the time. We both remember my big brothers bad temper, that he sometimes could through a gameboard off the table when he lost. We both remember that the family sometimes didnt want to play games with me because I mostly won. However, at some point, since I enjoyed playing different boardgames, I began to make bad descisions on purpose, beginning to loose on purpose, just so as they would continue play with me, and just so as my big brother wouldnt get mad at me. However at those times, after I lost they would say things to me like: aaa pooor Paula, too bad you didnt win this time. And that did make me feel upset because they sounded mean. And when seeing that I got upset they would begin to say to me that I was a sour looser, whereupon I would say that I wasnt, whereupon they would continue saying that I was, where upon I would start to cry. Not because I lost though...  My mother still claims though, that I was a horrible sour looser as a child, and when I have tried to explain to her that I wasnt, or just ask her please not to say that anymore because I dont feel like that is true  and it is hurtful for me to hear, she wont listen and just says that she has the right to say what she thinks, that she has the right to claim what she perceived, and to her, she knows that I was a sour looser. THat is the way she sees it and always will, and I cant do anything about that. It might only be a small insignificant thing, it still hurts though.

I have always been very sensitive, and easily have began to cry. But it was never intentionally or in a manipulative way. Mostly I cried because I felt misunderstood or because I felt unjustly treated. I cried because I had no words and couldnt protect myself. At those times my family came down pretty hard on me. Calling me spoiled and even worse making fun of me in rather mean ways. Therefore I learned to try to avoid all crying in the open, and when I needed to cry I ran out in the forrest above my house. There were a big rock that I used to climb up on, and there I could release my tears. Alone.

I dont think I was a child easy to love, I was too much searching for acknowledgements and propably got under peoples nerves. And I did have a lot of thoughts.

My father was hardly ever there for me, in the sense that my parents got divorced when I was younger than two, and after that I only saw him, i am not sure perhaps about ten times. Some of these times, because of my fathers drinking and the people that was around him at those moments, I was exposed to some traumatic situations. However, there is another side of the story. When me and my father was alone, I did feel like I was being seen and understood. He enjoyed discussing things with me. He took me outside teaching me about the forrest. He took me fishing. He taught me to ramble all the swedish kings and the years they were at the throne. He taught me to multiplicate and to spell difficult words, and he enjoyed it just as much as I did. This was before I had even begun school. Isnt that strange that even though I hardly never met him, I feel like he did understand me...

Everyone used to say that I was my fathers girl, and my older sister was my mothers girl.

Everyone used to downtalk my father, because he was an alcoholic, because he was hurting me and my sister, because he was a man.... yes that is the way the arguments tended to go. When I became a mother and went to family dinners with my daughter they began this similar downtalking men again. My daughters father didnt want to become a father and made the choice not to take part. But then I told them not to talk that way about men infront of my daughter. That I wanted her to make her own experiecnes about humans no matter if they were males or females. Even if their reactions were that she will only be disappointed in time when she starts seing men, and that it is better she is prepared, somehow, I dont know why and I am myself suprised, but they acutally have respected my wish. And atleast when I am present they dont talk like that anymore infront of my daughter.

Of course parts of their complaints about my father were valid though. His absence hurt me alot and I used to cry myself to sleep at nights because I missed him so horrible and I was so worried about the way he might be feeling or doing in his illness. I always cried as quiet as I could though, not to worry my mother because I knew she had so much on her plate already. I never heard my father downtalk anyone, except himself.

When I was fourteen and on my way to school I happened to bicycle past my father. I got a bit shocked, at that time I hadnt seen him in several years, and his hair had turned grey. Before it was all black. I was in a hurry and had so many mixed emotions towards him. So I turned my head the other way, pretending I hadnt seen him. Just as I turned my head away I saw him turning his head, him seeing me turning my head away. A couple of weeks later he phoned me up, being drunk and crying. Claiming to be the most horrible father when his own daughter didnt want to say hello to him. And I lied. I told him it wasnt me. I asked him when it was. And I told him it couldnt have been me. He said again, and I told him it wasnt me. And then I quickly excused myself telling him I had to rush off somewhere. And I hung up. And I felt like I had turned into Judas.

Some weeks later I manage to lurk out where he was currently living in another city. I went there one day without telling anyone and pressed the doorbell. First it was quiet. Then I heard his footsteps leading up to the door. There was a peepwhole in the door. Then quiet. Then the footsteps walked away again. I stood there frozen for a while, but didnt dare to press the doorbell again, so I finally walked away. I felt so ashamed.

Three years later I was home from summerholidays from school when the phone rang. I was home alone, answered and heard his voice: Hi.. do you hear who this is? I was filled with all sort of emotions, joy, fright, excitement, and answered him: Yes, I hear. I had butterflies in my whole body and tried to think up something to say, something to ask him, when he asked me if I could help him to look up a phonenumber in the phonenumberbook. I said sure and put down the phone, reliefed, because this would give me a minute to gather my thoughts and emotions. Happy and eager to speak with him, I searched through the phonenumberbook, found his number and lifted the phone once again. But he had hung up and was gone.

About 15 months later I got noticed that my father had died. In phneumonia. At that point I felt like I broke. I was at my school abroad and went down by the sea hiding behinds some cliffs. It was raining heavily and strong wind. And I was crying and screaming out loud. I was in so much pain. And I felt like I truly hated him for dying away from it all. I hated him for never coming through as my father.I was sitting there for a couple of hours and then a searchparty came and found me. Everyone was worried about me. I was wet and cold but told them that I would just sit alone for a short while still, then I would come back.  

I went to the funeral and I cursed him when I stood over his grave. At that moment I truly felt like I hated him. I was 18 years old.

A year before he died me and my sister talked with each other, saying that we almost wished that he was dead. Because if he was dead, we wouldnt have to hope anylonger. Hoping for him to come around. Hoping and waiting was the worst feelings for me ever.

I began to gamble heavily at the age of 30, briefly after I had finished my therapy which I told you about before, and I lost all control soon there after. I still went back though, several times, loosing it all over and over again.

Now it is twenty years since my father died. And I dont hate him anymore. But since I managed to abstain from gambling I have realised that I still miss him awfully... And it still hurts so bad when I think about him...

You are right Dave, that there is growth in me. I am beginning to find a calm within that is less illusive than it has been before. I still have a lot of fears though, and I am still finding it very hard to trust myself.

I am getting more and more aware of my fear of intimacy. Well I have always known I am afraid. But I am beginning to feel like I can work against this fear in new ways, not like before by roleplaying, or while gambling by avoiding, but by trying to
stay humble and trying not to be afraid. Somehow I know it is there in me somewhere even if I still bail out most of the time. I totally agree with you that protecting yourself in a healthy way has nothing to do with fear.

My meetings serve a great deal for me in my recovery. Not the least because I think it is the first group of people I have encountered where I feel like I am accepted and understood. Without being put on a piedestal. Without being judged. With all of my different traits of compulsiveness and how the gambling made me do so many awful things.

Thank you so much for writing that my answers are for me and always will be. I have always felt a sincere mistrust against  myself and my emotions. I am starting to think that perhaps it is wrong to think about my emotions in terms of being trustworthy, rather I should work towards accepting them for what they are.

Like instead of trying to figure out whether my feelings are right or wrong, perhaps I what I need to focus on is to question how I allow them to affect my behaviour in healthy or nonhealthy ways, how I allow them to affect my interactions with others in healthy and nonhealthy ways. One day at a time.

Sometimes it feels like everythings goes around in circles. And even if I understood or felt something a while back, the same issue comes back in a new shape, and I then need to understand it all over again, with some new dimension to it. I am so afraid that I again will fall back into destructive avoiding life behaviours, making myself into a failure, even if I deep down know I am not.

Love myself. Trust myself. I am trying to accomplish this by building on healthy actions and healthy descisions. It is difficult though.

Thank you. With warmth
Paula

Hi Paula

Thank you very much for your open share.

In my writing I find my answers and my understanding.

By opening up my inner child has a voice.

Over time I got to know myself more and more.

You have always felt a sincere mistrust against myself and my emotions, it sounds like you have fears of exposing your self to much.

Is it you do not trust your self or you do not trust being hurt again by another person.

By sharing you get to know your self more and more.

Our feelings and emotions are a kind of honesty to our inner self.

By sharing we learn to articulate more of our self and also see and feel our self in other people.

In time as I have empathy for myself I am able to empathy for other people.

By me being hurt by other people who I have got emotionally involved with the pins of partings ways felt like I was betrayed and cheated.

Only by giving of myself unconditionally I would stop hurting myself by having such high expectations of others.

By me being fully trustworthy, that require me to be completely honest with myself and only then could I be honest with others.

I decided in time of healing should work towards trusting fearless and accepting people for who they are.

For me being aware of my feelings and emotions was about learning what was healthy and what was unhealthy.

I could only love others when I loved myself.

I could only trust others when I trusted  myself.

I could only LOVE myself when I reduced my fears in myself.

I could only reduce my fears when I healed my pains.

Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand.
  
By healing my pains, could my inner child come out to play.

My feelings and emotions are about interacting in a healthy way, when I am hurting or being hurt I react in unhealthy ways with my feelings and emotions. 

Are my feelings are right or wrong, or perhaps I could understand what is healthy or unhealthy, interactions or my reactions.

When my pains are healed, my fears reduce, my expectations reduced, loneliness reduced and boredom reduced can I come out of myself.

My healthy interactions happen when I am free of my fears and my pains.

My unhealthy reactions happen when I am filled with fears, when I am in pain.

Once abstaining is one day at a time, that reduces me self abusing myself.

Only then can the healing process even start.

In causing our self abuse it was fear based escape, then the fears grow even higher.

Fear escape fear escape, then abstaining stops the unhealthy cycle.

Only then can we get an understanding what is healthy and what is unhealthy.

Today we choose self abuse or self caring.

The money only the fuel for my unhealthy habits.

During the time we are vulnerable while abstaining it is this time we get to open up more.

Reducing our fears increases our trust issues.

When we are vulnerable it is healthy to make a call and talk our vulnerability out to a like minded healing person

The love we have towards our self grows are our fears reduce.

Only when we love our self can we value our self more and more.

Setting boundaries is not a control issue it is about having a nurturing caring affectionate voice based on peace to speak up and protect for our self.

Building a stronger foundation for our self on healthy actions, on healthy words, and healthy actions and healthy decisions. 

It is healthy skill to learn.

Love peace and warmth to every one.

Dave L
Reply
#46
Hi Paula

Please feel free to express how you are feeling here, it is a very strong thing to do.

Sharing a therapy is very empowering and enables others to see them self in your share.

Being so fearless is very healthy.

Being so fearless builds your trust issues.

Your strength encouragement and your shares help every one.

d by your reply and a ashamed for taking up as much space as I am going to do. But here goes.

Here is my therapy.

Being applauded was very powerful for you.

I to wanted and needed encouragement and nurturing affection at an emotional level that was never going to happen.

They were unable to be healthy, they could not love them selves.

Your mothers expectations were never going to be met.

She could hear your pleads she was filed with uncontrollable rage of her hurt inner child.

It had nothing to about you.

Your father said he was sorry, that was not enough the damage was done.

It had nothing to do about you.

You did not want to leave, because you felt you were having fun or because you wanted more time with him.

Do you think you had more fun with dad than you did with your mother.

Your mother carried you out into the car and then we drove home, do you think she was pushing your father through you..

My mother was and is always there for me if I needed her. She has bailed me out so many times that I sometimes don't understand that she still would want me as her daughter. She has never been able to fully see and understand me though. And I have hurt her so many times.

My mother was there for me in a material way, because my mother had not healed her pains she lived in her fears till she was over 90 years of age.

The emotional intimacy I wanted and needed she could not give me.

When Mum dropped me off at boarding schools it was difficult she could not give me affection of hugs.

I saw other children gets lots of affection but not me, I thought it because I was unlovable, not so.

Yet even at age I was emotionally vulnerable.

Sadly often parents who have suffered in their past feel very vulnerable at children wanting affection and cuddles.

In England they call it keeping the stiff upper lip.

Your mother is very vulnerable and feel threatened by your vulnerability.

In you she sees and feels herself.

Your mother did not understand her self.

Once you start to heal and you start to heal and you have empathy for your self you will have empathy for your mother.

Often older people reach the end of their life and people find they get more and more angry, that inner child was quiet for so long and the they come out with so much anger.

You have now stopped to try to reach her on a deeper level, that is healthier for you. 

You think that your Mum and you are different. 

I think the opposite.

It is wiser to get counselling when you fears are at an all time low so that you get healed 

No point in being angry at her anymore you expectations are not going to be met not for a while.

Then there is the guilt that some how she was not enough ore was not up to the job.

Sadly parents often carry a lot of guilt because they were deficient in being parents, or they did not do enough.

I met with my mother just before she died.

I had time to relax and think what I was going to say to no longer live in regret.

I told my mother that in the past there were lots of unhealthy things said and done.

Yet that is no longer important, that the most important thing today is that I love you.

That is what counts.

In the sharing my mother melted and became the most affectionate she was with me in my life.

My mother had a stroke long before I said that to her and yet her eyes were filed with tenderness I had not seen in a long time.

We have the privilege of opening up our heart and our minds and being able to understand more about our self and others.

I often see my shame guilt and my pain in other people, I am in the process healthy healing and articulating my emotional vulnerability, sadly people feel they do not have a choice but to be very vulnerable threatened angry and frustrated.

Your mother completely denying things is her fear of being accountable to her self. 

You know she is living in guilt most of the time.

Your mother is feeling as guilty as you often feel.

Your mother questions and criticize everything, she is not being as hard on you as she is being on herself. 

Your wanting to know things you questioning your mother might make her feel even more insecure in her self.

Why did I fear being accountable and being to people asking me questions, I thought that answering as being painful when honest.

Because as a child when I was asked to be honest I was always punished for being honest.

Sadly your mother was guilt tripping her self. 

It is very healthy  setting healthy boundaries.

Can I change another person, can I make another person do some thing that they do not want to do.

Understanding that I understood that there was nothing I could do or say that would help my mother heal the pains of her past.

Hence why grad parents always have a healthier relationship with their grand children then they have with their own children. 

There is no guilt there.

One thing which is very powerful forgiving her.

You do remember asking a lot of questions, that would unsettle your mother.

You wanted to discuss things you were wanting to learn and understand we know that now.

You wanted to be acknowledged, that may have been taken the wrong way, do you think your expectation were to high knowing what you know now.

How ever much you feel emotionally vulnerable now she feels far worse than you.

You are an open book she is not healthy to do that.

Do you think at times you were person pleasing.

In many ways I was a very sad and misunderstood child. 

Saying that is very powerful and understanding of your self.

Even at that age you were emotionally vulnerable.

I was emotionally vulnerable well before I was 8 years of age, 

You say think good what do you mean by that.

Did you feel safer being in the church.

Practising the organ, I let myself in. I then would cry and pray that my father would come around that is very sad and painful feeling that way.

Yes when I was young kids often use to take losing games personally.

You have always been very sensitive, that indicates how emotionally vulnerable you were in your child hood.

You don't think you were was a child that was easy to love, or do you think what you wanted as love was not given to you.

Your father maybe was not have been able to give to you love if eh did not love him self.

When you and your father was alone, you did feel you were being seen and understood. 

May be your father was not as emotionally vulnerable as your mother was.

You feel like your father did understand you, may be your father saw him self in you.

Your father encouraged you that was very helpful and healthy.

Everyone used to down talk your father, that indciates how unhealthy they were.



because he was an alcoholic, because he was hurting me and my sister, because he was a man.... yes that is the way the arguments tended to go. When I became a mother and went to family dinners with my daughter they began this similar downtalking men again. My daughters father didnt want to become a father and made the choice not to take part. But then I told them not to talk that way about men infront of my daughter. That I wanted her to make her own experiecnes about humans no matter if they were males or females. Even if their reactions were that she will only be disappointed in time when she starts seing men, and that it is better she is prepared, somehow, I dont know why and I am myself suprised, but they acutally have respected my wish. And atleast when I am present they dont talk like that anymore infront of my daughter.

Of course parts of their complaints about my father were valid though. His absence hurt me alot and I used to cry myself to sleep at nights because I missed him so horrible and I was so worried about the way he might be feeling or doing in his illness. I always cried as quiet as I could though, not to worry my mother because I knew she had so much on her plate already. I never heard my father downtalk anyone, except himself.

When I was fourteen and on my way to school I happened to bicycle past my father. I got a bit shocked, at that time I hadnt seen him in several years, and his hair had turned grey. Before it was all black. I was in a hurry and had so many mixed emotions towards him. So I turned my head the other way, pretending I had not seen him. Just as I turned my head away I saw him turning his head, him seeing me turning my head away. A couple of weeks later he phoned me up, being drunk and crying. 

He took that the person he loved most of all had rejected him.

I understand how painful that would have been for him.

Just let him know that you were living in a lot of fear at that moment and that you panicked in the moment.



Claiming to be the most horrible father when his own daughter didnt want to say hello to him. And I lied. I told him it wasnt me. I asked him when it was. And I told him it couldnt have been me. He said again, and I told him it wasnt me. And then I quickly excused myself telling him I had to rush off somewhere. And I hung up. And I felt like I had turned into Judas.

It was two people living in pain at that moment unable to connect with each other.

I felt so ashamed. You were both very emotionally vulnerable and living in pain.

It was very sad that you were told that your father had died. 

That must have been very painful for you.

I went to visit my father before he died.

Eventually he died and I left it for a while.

I asked a person a question how do you heal pains from some one who hurt me.

They told me to tell them you love them.

So my father asses was put under a bridge in Calgary so I went there thinking it would not be bad.

I stood there and said Ernie I love you.

What happened was a stabbing pain in my throat as I said he words.

Again I said Ernie I love you and it happened again happened a stabbing pain in my throat.

I have lost count of the times I said Ernie I love you.

Then it hurt no more.

I went back again and said Ernie I love you no pain what so ever.

Some time later I went back and on the bridge was sprayed offensive graffiti.

I laughed out loud and then knew Ernie would have done the same thing if he was with me.

Shirley lost both of her parents.

We have both been back to England and I was going to her parents rest place.

I asked Shirley if she wanted to go with me she said no.

It was her choice I would not question that choice.

I was going again to her parents rest place. 
 
I asked Shirley if she wanted to go with me she said no.

Later on I was going again to her parents rest place.

I asked Shirley if she wanted to go with me she said Yes.

When we got there I asked Shirley if she wanted to be alone, she said yes and I told her to take all the time in the world that she needs.

That was healthy for every one.

You went to your fathers funeral and you cursed him when I stood over his grave. At that moment I truly felt like I hated him. I was 18 years old.

You were lashing out in rage and anger because you were in so much pain and did not know how to heal it..

It is very powerful that you still miss him awfully

... And it still hurts so bad when I think about him...

What we understand is that he was the most important person in your life even though you were both suffering pains not healed.

Because he was the most important person in your life the healthy parts of him still live on in you.

As you face and heal those fears will reduce and you will got out more and more.

Yes keep reducing an facing those fears and you most certainly trust your self more than you thought was possible.

You are more and more aware of my fear of intimacy. 

Well done.

It is important to heal as much as you can before you get to deeply involved in a serious relationship.

Your opening up indicates to me that you are doing very well indeed.

Can you see your mother opening up like this.

Be careful staying humble does not mean you do not have a voice to stand up for your self.

If you feel safer we can have a telephone call some time.

Understanding our feelings and emotions helps us understand our triggers which cause us to feel even more vulnerable.

I understand that my unhealthy reactions are not very helpful in my recovery.

I understand that my healthy interactions are very helpful in my recovery and building up healthy relationships with others.

I do not agree that your feelings are about right or wrong, saying that is making a kind of critism, being hard on your self not healthy.

Understanding what is healthy or unhealthy is important.

I do know that when I justify my actions and words I am being unhealthy.

The answer I found was that if a person is having an adverse effect on me they are being unhealthy.

I understand that my unhealthy reactions are not very helpful in my recovery.

Very true.

Some times we can take other peoples insecurities on board, their fears become our fears.

Yes very simple baby steps one day at a time.

Yes Love yourself. If fears drop we trust our self and others.

Accomplish healthy actions healthy words and healthy decisions results in pride confidence and further goals in our life.

Thank you. With warmth

It is very kind of you.

Love peace adn best wishes.

Dave L

Ps Sorry for long delay in answering.
Reply
#47
Hi

My understanding of my addictions and my obsessions.

Being in the unhealthy cycle of my addiction was self destructive and caused my self and other pains.

If I got all the money I lost would not heal the pains and betrayals I caused myself and other people.

Money was never going to heal my pains, money was never going to make me a healthy person, money was never going to give me freedom from my fears, money was never going to heal my pains.

After loosing all my money what was I feeling, was I angry, if so at who, was I in pain, was I feeling completely lost and confused, did I truly understand my feelings and emotions.

No matter how painful it was the day before the next morning I would do what I did best and blank it all out, bury and suppress my feelings and emotions.

No matter how many times I promised myself and others, I could not trust myself.

So I walk in to recovery sadly they could not stop me gambling, how ever they could help me help myself.

What is the recovery program, the big question no one could help me understand.

For me the recovery program was a healing program, it was for me to heal the hurt inner child in me.

Like many I did not understand myself, I could not explain why I kept self abusing myself and others.

When I was in a corner and people asked me why, I could only smile and shrug my shoulders.

All the time I was in the recovery program I was not gambling, that sounds simple, yet being in the room was not enough for me.

In the recovery program I would get to know myself more and more, to understand my emotional triggers.

Once I stopped being consumed by my addictions and obsessions I started to think for myself in a much clearer way.

Just because did I stop being angry, not at all, yet in time I would understand that my angry indicated that I had pains in me that were not healed.

Then I understood that the level of fear I lived in was far to high and with high levels of fear it was very close to going in to panic mode.

Once my healthy therapies started that was the time I ripped of the bandage and exposed the buried pains of my past, the healing started to kick in.

Therapies reduced my fears, I did not have a clue how many fears I did have yet I would face each one one at a time.

You sit down and write those fears out, and the list went on.

In sharing with others the question first of all what level of fear am I at on day one opening up.

Each time you measure your fears they reduce and your trust grows.

Being open to a healthy like minded person you share listen and compare.

As my understanding starts to grow, identifying each fear and you face it they reduce more and more.

I now understand that each fear I had was a consequence of some painful moments in my life where the pains were not healed or resolved.

For some people they will live in the consequences for the rest of their life.

The one day you understand that you are lucky you are an addict with out recovery you would have never fully understood how unhealthy and vulnerable I was.

For me being healthy is about my interacting in healthy ways.

For me being unhealthy is about my reacting in very unhealthy ways.

Today I understand more abut myself.

How do you get motivated in healthy ways, that is much deeper and takes longer to achieve.

How do you get your ass in to gear and stop procrastinating, that is one that many fear talking about in recovery.

Success what is it, is it about how much money you have, is it the car you drive or your home.

One day I was told by a rich person that his goal in life was never ever money, his goal was to be successful, the consequences of being successful is money.

Yet how was I going to get motivated in a healthy way and the end of each day be pleased with the progress I made in my life.

Just because I am healing or being healed does not mean people understand where I came from, it is only when we share people start to understand actions and consequences.

It was explained to me that in recovery that the more you put in to your recovery the more you get out of it.

Sadly I was a very slow learner I was working my recovery at a snails pace.

How ever since I have invested more time writing down my understanding of recovery the more clearer my destiny seems today.

Unhealthy actions and unhealthy words have unhealthy consequences.

Healthy actions and healthy words have healthy consequences.

Since being in my recovery time seems to fly by, some times I think that there is not enough hours in the day.

Being happy content busy and constructive and focused on one thing at a time made my life so much simpler today.

Hence writing thigs down helps me stay focused on the job in hand.

The tendency to rust at things was not very productive besides by rushing things I did not get the full rewards of doing them.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK
Reply
#48
Hi

It is very sad that when I walked in to the recovery program I felt so worthless so hopeless and I did not understand that my addictions were a form of self abuse, I did not think that I could help myself in any way.

In time with each break out Gambling I got to learn from each time going back to self abuse.

The simple fact I could not understand why I did what I did, and said the cruel things I said.

I even thought it was normal to be angry to have rage, that every one was scared of emotional intimacy.

And when people talked about learning to respect myself, learning to love myself, inside I would say to myself you got to be joking or talking the verbal's.

I did not know that I was emotionally vulnerable, I did not know that I was a survivor, I did not know that I was able to become so healthy I would be proud of myself.

I did not know that the recovery would not only me to heal the hurt inner child me but I would be able to come out and play like other healthy people.

The guilt in me wanted me to rush at things like fix them in a day, I wanted to pay back the money some how it would heal the pains I had caused myself and other people.

When people are in recovery you do not beat them up you do not chuck them out till they have healed.

The funny thing that the biggest pains in my life were very much suppressed in my sub conscious mind, being in denial was when a sked how I was to say I am fine or I am ok, that was not true.

Each unhealthy I give up is very healthy for me, yet I needed to replace every unhealthy habit with a healthy habit, it was not healthy to just abstain and stand still doing nothing, that was white knuckling my recovery, it was in effect doing hard time.

Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand, as I face each fear I become freed from my past and live a healthier life today.

I have been in recovery since 1969 and yet only 29 years clean, why did it take me so long to learn what a healthy recovery was all about.

Sadly the percentage of people that giver up unhealthy habits from day one is very low, very often I wanted to give up on myself, there was one time I was gambling free for eleven months and two weeks, and I really did not want to go to my birthday and tell people that I had let myself down. That I still like I was a failure.

The reason I went back was fear based and the fact I did not feel worthy of any kind of compliment, lack of self esteem and lack of confidence.

Thee was also the fear of facing people and doing public talking.

In recent years I did talks at a recovery center for two years and my biggest fear was being asked a question I could not answer.

I asked myself what was the very worst that could happen if I was asked a question I could not answer, the the day came and I was asked a question I could not answer, and all I did was laugh and admitted my ignorance. The room laughed with me.

In time I understood my emotional triggers, I found healthier ways to deal with life people and situations before I would crumble under.

By healing from the past and not burying it the hurt inner child wanted more and more intimacy, he wanted to interact with all people.

The most important things in my life today is my relationship with myself and my family, my levels of fear have dropped to single figures and my family live in far les fear than before, some time my family even believe me.

Since recovery once debts were paid we had holidays many over seas, one I asked my family of all of the holidays which was the best holiday we had, they did not hesitate answering, it was in a tent in Wales in some rain.

Why I asked and I was very surprised it was one of the cheapest holidays, it was because we were all close so together and spent what was quality team as a family.

During that holiday I caused a few moments of friction and even though my family have forgiven me they have not forgiven me about those two moments where I took the verbal's.

During my recovery I found out that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, yet my family have said that if I am not myself they get worried about me.

I questioned if my kind of wit was the pains of my past coming out, then I understood that my sarcasm enabled all to laugh at our selves and not laugh at others people pains.

The clue is you know you are healing when you are able to laugh at the past and more so in you can laugh at myself.

Would text on its own heal me, no not at all, in fact some times text causes more questions than answers.

For me there should be no question no one or any thing made me do any thing I did not want to do, hence taking that in to account every answer should be I, in being accountable and in being in healing mode I need to remove myself from the victim thinking.

Yes I was a victim, yes the pains were unbearable yet now today I am able to heal my pains as they go, when fears come to me face them and deal with right then.

Yes I was hurt badly in so many ways now is the day I let go of every thing and move on with my life.

I was a victim for sure yet I could not or would not speak out for myself, I could not protect my hurt inner child, and that was very sad.

As my intimacy grew first in therapies my intimacy grew with my family, as you let go of the past you see so many possibilities in every day life.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK
Reply
#49
(30-11-2011, 12:52 PM)Roxannesins Wrote: Somehow it feels wrong to write it here, but I dont know where to and I need to try and get this out. I have to let my past go. I dont know if I would be able to share all of this in my meeting, or if it would serve any purpose, because I would feel like I am just selfpitying and taking up place. I dont know if it serves any purpose sharing it here either, but I am telling myself that I need to work on my trust, because I dont trust myself. There is something in your writings that  I can relate to and that I wish to grow into. I now both feel encouraged by your reply and a ashamed for taking up as much space as I am going to do. But here goes.

Here is my therapy.

It was two weeks prior to christmas. I, almost five years old at the time, was at my fathers place, with my father and a friend to him. The three of us was having a lot of fun. They were teaching me how to play poker. We played for money and I remember I won, a bit less than a pound, in one round. My father and his friend applauded me and I felt so happy, also
slightly embarrassed though, because I had a sense of they were letting me win.

Then I heard a noise, and again, and we realised that someone was throwing small stones on the window. My fathers apartment was on the second floor and I went out on the balcony, seeing my mother and one of her friends standing below. It was inbetween snowing and raining. They yelled at me to say to my father to go down in the stairhouse and let them into the apartmentsbuilding.

When my mother came into my fathers apartment and realised that my father and his friend were drinking beer, she got very upset. She got angry and began yelling at my father about he had promised not to drink while I was visiting.

I got afraid and felt sorry for my father. I tried to explain to my mother that we only had a good time, and that they had taught me poker, and look, I even won... My mother wouldnt hear my pleeds and she was still angry with my father. My father told me very calmly to listen to my mother because she was right. He said that I should go along with my mother and that I would meet him at another time. He said he was sorry.

I didnt want to leave, but my mother carried me out into the car and then we drove home.

I have a rather complicated childhood story. Stories like the one I just told happened several times, but in somewhat different shapes. But this pokergame I had forgotten all about and only came to realise at my meeting a while back when a fellow compulsive gambler told me about the first time he was exposed to gambling. My urge to gambling is tied closely to poker. Sometimes I also went binging on black jack when I felt too tired to play poker, but mostly just poker.

My mother was and is always there for me if I needed her. She has bailed me out so many times that I sometimes dont understand that she still would want me as her daughter. She has never been able to fully see and understand me though. And I have hurt her so many times.

When it comes to her emotions I listened to her and supported her for so many years. When it came to my emotions, she would feel threatened or tired or even accuse me of trying to hurt her, when all I wanted was for her to understand me better. Like I wrote earlier I have now stopped to try to reach her on a deeper level, because I know she and I are too different. I am not angry at her anymore but somethings still are painful to think about. I am trying to set healthy boundaries in my relationship towards her.

Like during my whole childhood she would say things, and then if we got into an argument and I would ask her about some of the things she said, she would completely deny them and say that I was making it up. And even when I tried to say things in the most non-threatening ways, she would still throw it back at me, telling me that I was just trying to get at her or put guilt on her. I know she never did any of this to hurt me, it is just that a part of her sees me as a despiteful and mean child. Part of her sees me as a child who always had to question things and ask the unnecessary and hard questions. She told me not to long agoe: even as a child you always had to critizise everything trying to put me down. I do remember asking a lot of questions, I also remember my mother working a lot and being tired so I always wanted to show her extra consideration, I dont remember critizising her. I know that she feels like I did though. Even so the biggest part of her however loves me, which she has proven far too many times by not leaving me.

When I was a child I truly wasnt despiteful though. And I truly wasnt mean. Even if she interpreted me that way. But like I said, I did ask many questions and wanted to discuss things. Partly because I wanted to be acknowledged. Partly because I was curious and wanted to understand about the world and about myself. But yes I felt hurt many times, and perhaps that
made my questions sound despiteful... I really dont know.

As a child my biggest rolemodel was Jesus. And I thought that if I could be as good and as pure as I possible could be, then perhaps I would be worthy of love. This included not only my action, but also my thoughts. I ought not to think mean things about others, but always try to understand and feel compassion instead. In many ways I was a very sad and misunderstood child. Atleast I felt that way. But I always tried to act and think good.

Noone else in my family went to church or was religious, and I got the feeling they thought it was a bit corky. Still it felt safe for me, and for a couple of years I went in the churchchoir and got free lessons by the leading church musician playing the organ. Sometimes I went to the church when I knew it was empty after school. Since I knew where the key was and I was allowed to go there practising the organ, I let myself in. I then would cry and pray that my father would come around and understand how much I loved him. And that noone was mad at him. Perhaps then could he be my father again. I was nine and ten years old.

My mother claims things about me, even to this day, like that I was a sour looser because sometimes I began to cry  when I lost a family board game. We both remember that I used to win most of the time. We both remember my big brothers bad temper, that he sometimes could through a gameboard off the table when he lost. We both remember that the family sometimes didnt want to play games with me because I mostly won. However, at some point, since I enjoyed playing different boardgames, I began to make bad descisions on purpose, beginning to loose on purpose, just so as they would continue play with me, and just so as my big brother wouldnt get mad at me. However at those times, after I lost they would say things to me like: aaa pooor Paula, too bad you didnt win this time. And that did make me feel upset because they sounded mean. And when seeing that I got upset they would begin to say to me that I was a sour looser, whereupon I would say that I wasnt, whereupon they would continue saying that I was, where upon I would start to cry. Not because I lost though...  My mother still claims though, that I was a horrible sour looser as a child, and when I have tried to explain to her that I wasnt, or just ask her please not to say that anymore because I dont feel like that is true  and it is hurtful for me to hear, she wont listen and just says that she has the right to say what she thinks, that she has the right to claim what she perceived, and to her, she knows that I was a sour looser. THat is the way she sees it and always will, and I cant do anything about that. It might only be a small insignificant thing, it still hurts though.

I have always been very sensitive, and easily have began to cry. But it was never intentionally or in a manipulative way. Mostly I cried because I felt misunderstood or because I felt unjustly treated. I cried because I had no words and couldnt protect myself. At those times my family came down pretty hard on me. Calling me spoiled and even worse making fun of me in rather mean ways. Therefore I learned to try to avoid all crying in the open, and when I needed to cry I ran out in the forrest above my house. There were a big rock that I used to climb up on, and there I could release my tears. Alone.

I dont think I was a child easy to love, I was too much searching for acknowledgements and propably got under peoples nerves. And I did have a lot of thoughts.

My father was hardly ever there for me, in the sense that my parents got divorced when I was younger than two, and after that I only saw him, i am not sure perhaps about ten times. Some of these times, because of my fathers drinking and the people that was around him at those moments, I was exposed to some traumatic situations. However, there is another side of the story. When me and my father was alone, I did feel like I was being seen and understood. He enjoyed discussing things with me. He took me outside teaching me about the forrest. He took me fishing. He taught me to ramble all the swedish kings and the years they were at the throne. He taught me to multiplicate and to spell difficult words, and he enjoyed it just as much as I did. This was before I had even begun school. Isnt that strange that even though I hardly never met him, I feel like he did understand me...

Everyone used to say that I was my fathers girl, and my older sister was my mothers girl.

Everyone used to downtalk my father, because he was an alcoholic, because he was hurting me and my sister, because he was a man.... yes that is the way the arguments tended to go. When I became a mother and went to family dinners with my daughter they began this similar downtalking men again. My daughters father didnt want to become a father and made the choice not to take part. But then I told them not to talk that way about men infront of my daughter. That I wanted her to make her own experiecnes about humans no matter if they were males or females. Even if their reactions were that she will only be disappointed in time when she starts seing men, and that it is better she is prepared, somehow, I dont know why and I am myself suprised, but they acutally have respected my wish. And atleast when I am present they dont talk like that anymore infront of my daughter.

Of course parts of their complaints about my father were valid though. His absence hurt me alot and I used to cry myself to sleep at nights because I missed him so horrible and I was so worried about the way he might be feeling or doing in his illness. I always cried as quiet as I could though, not to worry my mother because I knew she had so much on her plate already. I never heard my father downtalk anyone, except himself.

When I was fourteen and on my way to school I happened to bicycle past my father. I got a bit shocked, at that time I hadnt seen him in several years, and his hair had turned grey. Before it was all black. I was in a hurry and had so many mixed emotions towards him. So I turned my head the other way, pretending I hadnt seen him. Just as I turned my head away I saw him turning his head, him seeing me turning my head away. A couple of weeks later he phoned me up, being drunk and crying. Claiming to be the most horrible father when his own daughter didnt want to say hello to him. And I lied. I told him it wasnt me. I asked him when it was. And I told him it couldnt have been me. He said again, and I told him it wasnt me. And then I quickly excused myself telling him I had to rush off somewhere. And I hung up. And I felt like I had turned into Judas.

Some weeks later I manage to lurk out where he was currently living in another city. I went there one day without telling anyone and pressed the doorbell. First it was quiet. Then I heard his footsteps leading up to the door. There was a peepwhole in the door. Then quiet. Then the footsteps walked away again. I stood there frozen for a while, but didnt dare to press the doorbell again, so I finally walked away. I felt so ashamed.

Three years later I was home from summerholidays from school when the phone rang. I was home alone, answered and heard his voice: Hi.. do you hear who this is? I was filled with all sort of emotions, joy, fright, excitement, and answered him: Yes, I hear. I had butterflies in my whole body and tried to think up something to say, something to ask him, when he asked me if I could help him to look up a phonenumber in the phonenumberbook. I said sure and put down the phone, reliefed, because this would give me a minute to gather my thoughts and emotions. Happy and eager to speak with him, I searched through the phonenumberbook, found his number and lifted the phone once again. But he had hung up and was gone.

About 15 months later I got noticed that my father had died. In phneumonia. At that point I felt like I broke. I was at my school abroad and went down by the sea hiding behinds some cliffs. It was raining heavily and strong wind. And I was crying and screaming out loud. I was in so much pain. And I felt like I truly hated him for dying away from it all. I hated him for never coming through as my father.I was sitting there for a couple of hours and then a searchparty came and found me. Everyone was worried about me. I was wet and cold but told them that I would just sit alone for a short while still, then I would come back.  

I went to the funeral and I cursed him when I stood over his grave. At that moment I truly felt like I hated him. I was 18 years old.

A year before he died me and my sister talked with each other, saying that we almost wished that he was dead. Because if he was dead, we wouldnt have to hope anylonger. Hoping for him to come around. Hoping and waiting was the worst feelings for me ever.

I began to gamble heavily at the age of 30, briefly after I had finished my therapy which I told you about before, and I lost all control soon there after. I still went back though, several times, loosing it all over and over again.

Now it is twenty years since my father died. And I dont hate him anymore. But since I managed to abstain from gambling I have realised that I still miss him awfully... And it still hurts so bad when I think about him...

You are right Dave, that there is growth in me. I am beginning to find a calm within that is less illusive than it has been before. I still have a lot of fears though, and I am still finding it very hard to trust myself.

I am getting more and more aware of my fear of intimacy. Well I have always known I am afraid. But I am beginning to feel like I can work against this fear in new ways, not like before by roleplaying, or while gambling by avoiding, but by trying to
stay humble and trying not to be afraid. Somehow I know it is there in me somewhere even if I still bail out most of the time. I totally agree with you that protecting yourself in a healthy way has nothing to do with fear.

My meetings serve a great deal for me in my recovery. Not the least because I think it is the first group of people I have encountered where I feel like I am accepted and understood. Without being put on a piedestal. Without being judged. With all of my different traits of compulsiveness and how the gambling made me do so many awful things.

Thank you so much for writing that my answers are for me and always will be. I have always felt a sincere mistrust against  myself and my emotions. I am starting to think that perhaps it is wrong to think about my emotions in terms of being trustworthy, rather I should work towards accepting them for what they are.

Like instead of trying to figure out whether my feelings are right or wrong, perhaps I what I need to focus on is to question how I allow them to affect my behaviour in healthy or nonhealthy ways, how I allow them to affect my interactions with others in healthy and nonhealthy ways. One day at a time.

Sometimes it feels like everythings goes around in circles. And even if I understood or felt something a while back, the same issue comes back in a new shape, and I then need to understand it all over again, with some new dimension to it. I am so afraid that I again will fall back into destructive avoiding life behaviours, making myself into a failure, even if I deep down know I am not.

Love myself. Trust myself. I am trying to accomplish this by building on healthy actions and healthy descisions. It is difficult though.

Thank you. With warmth
Paula

Hi Paula

That is very powerful to love yourself. Trust yourself. I am trying to accomplish this by building on healthy actions and healthy decisions. It is your choice today.
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#50
(15-08-2019, 03:03 PM)gadaveuk Wrote:
(06-07-2011, 11:52 AM)Paula Wrote: Dear Gadaveuk

I am moved from your writings in many ways.

I too carry a hurt child within, even if I haven´t heard from that child in many years.

I agree with you that talking about the past does not necessary mean putting blame or carrying resentment. There was a time when I did that. The disappointments of not being able to reach out and be seen for myself, to constantly feel misunderstood triggered a lot of rage towards my mother. She is not the one who hurt me as a child though.

And it is just like you said. My feelings for her stemmed from frustations and pain. Today I relate to her in a very different way, because I dont try to change her anymore, I dont need her to fully understand me, and I can accept her for who she is. I love her very much.

I did come a long way. My whole life was focused on personal growth and understanding. Since very young age. I went to intensive psychodynamic therapy and finally felt understood and approved for being me, not for my accomplishments. My gamblingaddiction took off after I went  through therapy. Even if I had always been an addictive personality.

After therapy I went quiet. It was like I had lost my words and I who used to talk with friends and family for hours and hours, being the strong supporting other, began to isolate myself. I had so many thoughts and words on a deeper level that I couldnt express, and when I did I felt like noone understood. It was like the meaning of using words was gone. And I started to doubt the power of symbolising pains and fears with words. I began to doubt the value of selfgrowth.

I felt confused, and more and more began feeling desillusioned, hopeless and powerless. My meaning in life was personal growth and helping other people. Now everything turned meaningless. I began  to gamble and it further pushed me into a depressive state where everything in my brain was like cotton and I couldnt think or perceive hardly anything. I have big memorylapses from this time.

Since a couple of years I am not really depressed anymore. My thoughts and emotions are beginning to come back and I am a more humble person, vulnerable in a new sense, but also stronger. I am more dependent on having caring and loving people around me. But I am also more selfsufficient and not as dependent on people approving of me anymore.

I realise that I probably still carry a lot of pain and anger and fear within, since I am a  compulsive gambler, and I keep hurting myself and the people I care about. There is no reason why I would be this selfdestructive otherwise.  Hopefully I will be able to work this through now that I have stopped gambling, if I manage to get in touch with my higher power, which is still illusive to me.  It is also difficult because I don´t feel like an angry person and I have always have had difficulties expressing anger. My anger comes in the supressed form and I am not able to acknowledge it.

It feels helpful for me to focus on my behaviour and feelings towards one new day at a time, since I tend to forget what it is like to be happy and enjoy. I believe the past is important to get in touch with and heal my inner child, but I believe that focusing on today could make all the difference.

Love to all!

Hi

It takes time to set boundaries built on peace.

To value our self and nurture that hurt inner child takes time.

It is difficult to become selfish in a healthy way, to place our self first.

It means moving away from person pleasing and trying to get acceptance.

Once we care about our self first then we an get focused on other people.

By being selfish is not about greed or material things.

It is about holding our self equal to all people.

The past is not who we are today, by demonstrating spiritual values to our self we are able to demonstrating spiritual values to other people.

As our fears reduce we will feel more comfortable in our self.

And other people over time will feel more comfortable in being with us.

Love and best wishes.

Dave
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