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Understanding Step one and step two.


The addictions and obsessions only indicated how emotionally vulnerable I was.

Being in the recovery I would make a decision for myself to give up my unhealthy habits and exchange them to healthy habits.

The addictions and obsessions indicated I could not cope emotionally in a healthy way with life people and situations.

The addictions and obsessions indicated I was escaping in my fears.

Having any kind of wins just caused me more pains and I would lose more time gambling.

The money was only the fuel for my addictions.

Thinking the only time I felt successful was when I won was destroying me.

You can only heal if you admit to your self you are being unhealthy.

You can only find a healthy life by admitting to your self you need help.

By admitting to your self you need help is a sign of your strength.

By wasting my time and money I causing myself more and more pain and suffering and hurting the very people I am suppose to love.

By sticking in the recovery program there is light was a light at the end of this painful self destruction existence.

The recovery program is a healing and a learning experience and the more aware you are you have a chance of becoming healthy and whole.

The recovery program is a healing process and a chance to be a person I am proud of myself today.

For me the downfalls were very destructive habits which caused me so much pain I did not it any more.

To live my days being healing and healthier and having intimacy gives me a life I only use to dream of.

Who would ever think I would be successful in my recovery, not me.

Who would ever think I would be in giving up so many unhealthy habits.

I use to fear my life and my tomorrows now I embrace being healthy and not living in fear any more.

Love and peace to every one.

Thank you

Dave L

For me I was vulnerable long before my first bet or my first obsession.

The pains and fears due to trauma in my life were not healed or resolved.

My anger confirmed that.

Yet I use to think that being angry was normal, that taking all my hard earned money and giving it away to complete strangers while I and my family went with out was normal and healthy.

It is healthy to call it a day surrender and want healthier in your life is commitment to your self and also a boundary.

I like many people did not give up or surrender to the fact that my addictions and obsessions were unhealthy.

That causing myself and my family pains and fears were not healthy.

Some people might think that surrender is a sign of weakness, in this case not so.

Some people might think that burying and suppressing our pains is normal.

Some people might think that living in fear and pain is normal.

Having your nervous system and being very jumpy all the time is not healthy, it indicates that I was nervous and living in fear anxiety stress and panicking, that is not a healthy way to live our life.

For me withdrawing myself from unhealthy habits was the best thing I could do for myself.

The pains in my subconscious were restricting me from living a healthy life today.

Living in any kind of fear which was restricting me from living a healthy life disabled me.

Time came when I got out of being in the shit all the time and get started in smelling the roses.

I often thought I was lower than dog crap.

How confident is that.

Love and peace to every one.

Thank you

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

I have surrendered to the fact that gambling is very unhealthy habit for me.

For me paying off debts needed to be done in a slow careful way.

I use to think that winning money would make me happy.

I use to think that money would heal my pains and I would not live in fear. 

My gambling was a form of escape from my feelings and my emotions.

My impatience only indicated how cruel and hard I was on myself.

My desperation anxiety and panicking indicated the levels of fear I was living in.

Because of pains and trauma in my child hood I found it difficult to learn absorb information and t understand was very difficult.

Once I was able to abstain from my unhealthy habits the healing process could start to heal the hurt inner child in me.

I feared being honest with myself.

My life starts with just for today I will not gamble.

Love and peace to every one.

Thank you

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

On walking in to the recovery program I felt very inept inadequate insecure and had little faith or confidence in myself.

It was only by being honest with myself that recovery would work for me.

Yet my instant reaction to being questioned and asked to be honest caused panic and more fear with in me.

Yet how can we think that gambling was so exciting and so much fun, was it the buzz taking such big risks was I an adrenaline junkie.

In our recovery we will often hear the wording the buzz, that the bigger the risk the bigger the buzz.

All the time I was filled with so much fear it was very easy for me to panic and not be able to think clearly or even be aware of the consequences of my own self destruction.

Once one abstains one will notice we took other risks in our lives rushing about speeding tail gating not being safe at traffic lights.

This impatience and intolerance indicated to me that I was very hard on myself and that I did not value myself or respect myself.

The question is why would I put myself and my family at risk so many times and not learn from the pains trauma and panic I was causing.

At what point do I say to myself my unhealthy addictions and my unhealthy obsessions are very unhealthy habits and I wanted out of being self destructive.

The recovery program helps me to stop abstain and think things out clearly, then I would decide for myself and no one else, I want to heal and become healthy and live a more productive life.

Today I understand that my addictions and obsessions only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

Today I understand what my needs and my wants are.

My lists is me being honest and accountable to myself.

In time I would become more self sufficient and more productive by getting things done and feeling good about crossing things off my need to do or want to do lists.

I often ask myself was today a productive day, was I pleased with the things I did.

By me giving up gambling did not work well for me, reluctance resentments, sadly my recovery needed to be a very selfish action on my part.

I am a non religious person, yet I am more of a spiritual person, my conscience is based up on spiritual values, when I went against my own conscience I hurt myself, yes by being unhealthy I caused myself pains and traumas.

Yes today I am able to be clean from gambling, yet ore importantly I do not have to lie, I do not have to live in fear any more, I do not have to pretend I am fine, I do not have to justify being unhealthy, I do not have to live in guilt shame regret or be ashamed of who I am today.

In our sharing and honesty we open up to the possibilities of how much more we can do today with our life and our relationships with all people.

I am able to be polite respectful considerate caring and nurturing towards all people today.

By expressing my gratitude and appreciation is an expression of my healthy values today.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK
Here is my view of the 12 steps as I see them as a non religious person.

We admitted we were powerless over our unhealthy addictions and obsessions and our lives had become unmanageable.

Came to believe that with help and guidance we can heal from the past restore our self to healthy living and sound clarity.

Made a decision, that we need help and are willing to invest our lives to healthy living more caring and to respect ourselves.

To look at our lives making an honest searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, understanding what was healthy and what was unhealthy.

Admitted to a healthy well trusted likeminded person, and to ourselves, the exact nature of our unhealthy actions, and our unhealthy words.

Were entirely ready exchange all unhealthy habits to healthy habits and become more dedicated to healthy living.

To be honest with myself and identify where I was failing and making mistakes in my life.

In being honest and accountable to myself, made a list of all persons I had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. An apology is not about right or wrong. An apology is about trying to repair damaged relationships

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were being unhealthy promptly admitted it.

I would ask for help guidance and meditate reducing my fears stress anxiety to improve our relationship with our self, when I am vulnerable asking for help and guidance to becoming the healthiest person, that we can be each day.

Having become aware of healthy spiritual values in my conscience and having an awakening as the result of practicing these steps, I tried to carry this spiritual message to other emotionally vulnerable people and to practice these nurturing principles in all our daily affairs.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

I am a compulsive gambler and I am a anon religious person.

It was a long time since I walked in the recovery program, I am a very slow learned.

My attitude I am here now fix me, really are you serious.

The recovery program was all about healing the hurt inner child in me, yet I could only heal that which I was honest about.

You reach the text time and time again and question if this is working for you.

Then you cross the line and give up talking about money or my unhealthy habits and start talk about how vulnerable you are.

Each time I went back to gambling was not the time to beat myself up, it was important to understand my last emotional trigger.

So clean time grows from single days to weeks and then months and then years.

Now I am nearly 30 years clean, yet is not gambling mean you are completely healed.

Sadly it took me over 20 years to even understand what recovery was for me.

As the years go by you get to recall how you use to talk to your self, in saying I have to, I will show you, you got to be kidding, are you mad, how could you do that to me, why me, no way hozay.

In my recovery I would get to understand my unhealthy reactions were not healthy for me or my relationships.

Later in my recovery I would understand that I did not know how to love or what love was, now I understand that love is giving of your self unconditionally, giving of your self and expecting nothing back in return.

One day I was by the road, a man stopped and sked if I needed help, wel we got the car running I put my hand in my pocket to show my appreciation, he asked what are you doing, I explained I wanted to show my appreciation, he said no I helped you because i wanted to. 

I am thinking he is nuts and I am normal.

Later on lady stopped by the road I asked if she needed my help, she told me she was out of petrol, with out hesitation got petrol tank out of my boot and started to fill her tank, she told me she had to give me money, I told her I did not ask for money, she said if I do not give you money I will feel guilty.

There was a good chance she thought that she was normal and that I was the odd one.

How many times in my life did I feel guilty and there was no reason to feel guilty.

Seeing a police car do I feel guilty.

When I asked in to the office do I feel guilty, what have I done wrong, is that any way to live you life.

When I was getting a pin for time clean I felt like I felt guilty, or not worthy.

One day a person said do you think the birthday is for you, I said yes, he told me that my birthday was for me to show the meeting gratitude and appreciation as I would have not been able to achieve my recovery with out those people, or be the person I am today with out them.

I have lost count of how many times there were the light bulb moments when you finally understand and got it the meaning about  some thing you have heard time and time again.

The meaning hind was more clearer than any other time in your life.

When I say I am at the meeting that night and it has nothing to do about money or gambling, it has very thing to do about wanting to be more healthier than any other time in my life.

I did not have the patience to read all of the sharings, I wanted to hear therapies live.

In people sharing I would get more understanding how recovery worked for me.

In people sharing I would see and feel my self in those people both the healthy and the unhealthy.

Yet one thing was clear if they can achieve so much more with their life so can I, their goals became my goals.

My goals are not based up on being perfect, not at all, my goals are based on ;earning from my mistakes and errors.

I would say that trying to be perfect is not healthy.

I would say that daily learning and progress in motivation is healthy.

So recovery helps us all abstain, yet abstaining is only the start of our recovery, abstaining helps us cause our self more pains and fears.

Recovery is about a healthy healing process, is it possible to heal while we are still causing our self more pains. I do not think so.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

Recovery was learning to heal and live a healthy life with out addictions obsessions and refrain from self abuse unhealthy habits.

In time I abstained from Gambling.

In time I abstained from getting drunk.

In time I abstained from beating myself up.

In time I abstained from drinking tea and coffee.

In time I abstained from lying to myself.

In time I abstained from living my life in fear.

In time I abstained from going against my own conscience.

In time I abstained from being a victim.

In time I became my own best friend.

In time I abstained from being my own worst enemy.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK
I am a non religious person who has found a very health life today.

I am learning to be my own best friend today and to value myself respect myself more and much more.

The Gambling establishment never hurt me I hurt myself.

The Gambling establishment never lied to my family, I did it on my own.

The recovery program did not stop me gambling that had to be my own choice, simply one day at a time.

What are our needs, what are our wants, and what are our goals?

The money that has been wasted is gone the sooner we let go of that the easier it gets.

I am not able to change the past, accepting serenity helps me with that one.

Yes, guilt tripping our self is self-destructive and unhealthy just let go and learn from the past but do not live in it.

Taking a step back and understanding our self and our vulnerability helps us a lot.

For me feeling relaxed help me understand at that moment my fears were very low.

But beware of our emotional trigger, that is very important.

No fears no panicking, high levels of fear panicking stress anxiety, doubt not healthy at all.

Money in the bank only gives you more choices.

Money was never going to heal my hurt inner child.

Money helps us feel more secure, that is healthy.

Money on its own will; not make us feel successful.

For me being successful was all about me being productive having healthy actions and having healthy words.

Only when I love myself can I love another person.

Only when I respect myself can I respect another person.

Only when I have honesty with myself can have honesty with another person.

Only when I have intimacy myself can have intimacy with another person.

For me when I wasted my hard-earned cash, I was working for nothing.

You can be as healthy as you want or need to be today, the choice is mine today.

Every unhealthy action has unhealthy consequences.

Every healthy action has healthy consequences.

It is my choice today not to Gamble.

It is my choice today to be healthy, it is my choice today to be honest sincere loving, patient, tolerant, self sufficient, curious, forgiving, to not live in fear, to have healthy intimacy with myself and other people.

It is my healthy choice today to write down my healthy needs my healthy wants and my healthy goals.

To be focused on productive days where I feel I have had a success day by my own healthy actions.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

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