06-07-2011, 11:52 AM
Dear Gadaveuk
I am moved from your writings in many ways.
I too carry a hurt child within, even if I haven´t heard from that child in many years.
I agree with you that talking about the past does not necessary mean putting blame or carrying resentment. There was a time when I did that. The disappointments of not being able to reach out and be seen for myself, to constantly feel misunderstood triggered a lot of rage towards my mother. She is not the one who hurt me as a child though.
And it is just like you said. My feelings for her stemmed from frustations and pain. Today I relate to her in a very different way, because I dont try to change her anymore, I dont need her to fully understand me, and I can accept her for who she is. I love her very much.
I did come a long way. My whole life was focused on personal growth and understanding. Since very young age. I went to intensive psychodynamic therapy and finally felt understood and approved for being me, not for my accomplishments. My gamblingaddiction took off after I went through therapy. Even if I had always been an addictive personality.
After therapy I went quiet. It was like I had lost my words and I who used to talk with friends and family for hours and hours, being the strong supporting other, began to isolate myself. I had so many thoughts and words on a deeper level that I couldnt express, and when I did I felt like noone understood. It was like the meaning of using words was gone. And I started to doubt the power of symbolising pains and fears with words. I began to doubt the value of selfgrowth.
I felt confused, and more and more began feeling desillusioned, hopeless and powerless. My meaning in life was personal growth and helping other people. Now everything turned meaningless. I began to gamble and it further pushed me into a depressive state where everything in my brain was like cotton and I couldnt think or perceive hardly anything. I have big memorylapses from this time.
Since a couple of years I am not really depressed anymore. My thoughts and emotions are beginning to come back and I am a more humble person, vulnerable in a new sense, but also stronger. I am more dependent on having caring and loving people around me. But I am also more selfsufficient and not as dependent on people approving of me anymore.
I realise that I probably still carry a lot of pain and anger and fear within, since I am a compulsive gambler, and I keep hurting myself and the people I care about. There is no reason why I would be this selfdestructive otherwise. Hopefully I will be able to work this through now that I have stopped gambling, if I manage to get in touch with my higher power, which is still illusive to me. It is also difficult because I don´t feel like an angry person and I have always have had difficulties expressing anger. My anger comes in the supressed form and I am not able to acknowledge it.
It feels helpful for me to focus on my behaviour and feelings towards one new day at a time, since I tend to forget what it is like to be happy and enjoy. I believe the past is important to get in touch with and heal my inner child, but I believe that focusing on today could make all the difference.
Love to all!
I am moved from your writings in many ways.
I too carry a hurt child within, even if I haven´t heard from that child in many years.
I agree with you that talking about the past does not necessary mean putting blame or carrying resentment. There was a time when I did that. The disappointments of not being able to reach out and be seen for myself, to constantly feel misunderstood triggered a lot of rage towards my mother. She is not the one who hurt me as a child though.
And it is just like you said. My feelings for her stemmed from frustations and pain. Today I relate to her in a very different way, because I dont try to change her anymore, I dont need her to fully understand me, and I can accept her for who she is. I love her very much.
I did come a long way. My whole life was focused on personal growth and understanding. Since very young age. I went to intensive psychodynamic therapy and finally felt understood and approved for being me, not for my accomplishments. My gamblingaddiction took off after I went through therapy. Even if I had always been an addictive personality.
After therapy I went quiet. It was like I had lost my words and I who used to talk with friends and family for hours and hours, being the strong supporting other, began to isolate myself. I had so many thoughts and words on a deeper level that I couldnt express, and when I did I felt like noone understood. It was like the meaning of using words was gone. And I started to doubt the power of symbolising pains and fears with words. I began to doubt the value of selfgrowth.
I felt confused, and more and more began feeling desillusioned, hopeless and powerless. My meaning in life was personal growth and helping other people. Now everything turned meaningless. I began to gamble and it further pushed me into a depressive state where everything in my brain was like cotton and I couldnt think or perceive hardly anything. I have big memorylapses from this time.
Since a couple of years I am not really depressed anymore. My thoughts and emotions are beginning to come back and I am a more humble person, vulnerable in a new sense, but also stronger. I am more dependent on having caring and loving people around me. But I am also more selfsufficient and not as dependent on people approving of me anymore.
I realise that I probably still carry a lot of pain and anger and fear within, since I am a compulsive gambler, and I keep hurting myself and the people I care about. There is no reason why I would be this selfdestructive otherwise. Hopefully I will be able to work this through now that I have stopped gambling, if I manage to get in touch with my higher power, which is still illusive to me. It is also difficult because I don´t feel like an angry person and I have always have had difficulties expressing anger. My anger comes in the supressed form and I am not able to acknowledge it.
It feels helpful for me to focus on my behaviour and feelings towards one new day at a time, since I tend to forget what it is like to be happy and enjoy. I believe the past is important to get in touch with and heal my inner child, but I believe that focusing on today could make all the difference.
Love to all!