16-12-2011, 06:34 PM
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! Today my pains from my past are being nurtured and healed, my fears willingly faced and frustrations resolved by accepting the understanding of the serenity wisdom and I live a much healthier spiritual life today, I am healthier and stronger in myself than ever before in my life simply JUST one day at a time.
For me step one understanding that split second my life became unmanageable emotionally, the feelings that use to make me feel very vulnerable were pain fear frustrations loneliness and boredom.
When you walk in to the rooms of spiritual recovery you feel pain due to our own actions towards our self and our family, then each day as we abstain we start to feel the pain of the guilt and shame of what we have done in the past.
Even though that day we often have done nothing to hurt or offend people. We are living in the pain of the guilt and shame of our past.
Resentments vengeance feeling bitter and twisted is also living in the pains of our past but that is due to pain other people caused towards our self.
Yet the common factor is that we had lost the ability to heal and nurture our own pains, most people will say to them self they have forgiven other people when in fact all they have done is bury pains of their past.
We were born able to heal pains and were so easily able to forgive, yet due to pain and trauma in myself I took every ones elseâs pain fear frustrations on board as my own I felt responsible for how other people felt.
That then was not healthy and is still not healthy today, so I have learned to talk people through their pain fear frustrations but I am not responsible for healing their pain they are.
Funny enough pain fear frustrations are the same feelings that use to cause me to be angry and resentful most of the time; every time I said I have to imply that I did most things in my life resentfully.
My motives for living life has changed hence I understand there is wants and needs no more have to do thinking.
As I do things for myself and others unconditionally I found out I got pleasure from doing things.
Sadly if you do things with expectations and hidden motives you always finish up disappointed, yes expectations and hidden motives was always a come down.
I was born able to give of myself unconditionally who could have caused me to think and behave in unhealthy ways? It is not common to one person?
Most people who arrive in recovery feel they are not responsible for their actions they so much want to blame the gambling establishments for their unhealthy actions?
Some people will even believe in their mind it is the devil that controls them, for me the reason I use to escape to unhealthy actions was pain fear frustrations loneliness and boredom.
Once we ask our self what feelings did I have just before I had that first bet?
Then I would understand what emotions made me feel vulnerable and were my triggers.
For me anyone any one at all can find the spiritual healing program and spiritual recovery even if they are not a religious people at all. The program works for anyone who is willing to really work the spiritual recovery program.
The spiritual recovery program works for anyone who is willing to do the work and make change towards healthy living.
The wording in red book step three âGamblers anonymous is a spiritual program, not a religious fellowship.â It is not mentioned often enough about recovery being a spiritual recovery program.
The spiritual recovery program is all about living a new healthy life but it has to be our conscious decision to make changes within myself; I needed to admit to myself that I had unhealthy habits before I could change those unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
Each day I am placed in to the radiation position to be exposed to X-rays it becomes easier, I am able to feel so comfortable I could snooze off nicely even on the hard board they call a bed.
People often get frustrated because they do not understand what they need to do to find healthy life, they resist writing down their feelings they resist telephoning people they resist going beyond a certain point talking about child hood issues.
It makes me laugh when the recovery program asks us to humble our self, some people think it is about belittling our self, for me because I felt lower than dog crap humbling myself to be equal to all people was a promotion form how I use to feel about myself.
Like many I walked in to recovery because of lack of funds I had wasted away, I did not walk in thinking I had child hood programming issues or that I felt vulnerable emotionally.
I did not think that due to emotional abuse due to physical abuse and due to sexual abuse all before I was 12 years old had anything to do about how I felt today.
When I married Shirley did I think to myself I have all these emotional baggage and once I get married all that emotional crap will melt away?
When I married Shirley I was able to see that I had an emotional age of a ten year old child and felt the same vulnerability as that child did when he was being abused.
Why could I not tell my parents I loved them without feeling so emotionally vulnerable? Why could I not tell my wife I loved them without feeling so emotionally vulnerable?
The more into recovery I got the more questions I had to ask myself, sometimes I did not like my own answers?
The spiritual recovery program is only a guide or manual for us to help our self, if I do not call other people for help I am not helping myself, if I am putting on any kind of pretence or facade I am only cheating myself.
If I lie I cheat myself, if I lie in any way I have no choice but to live in fear of being found out of my lies or deceptions.
As people grow in recovery the spiritual recovery program should change with its people, sadly that is not the case.
If I am saying to myself âI have toâ do things I am still thinking with an obsessive thinking mind.
I now understand for me my life is split in too wants and needs, I have eight hours of need to do thing, I have eight hours of want to do things, and eight hours of sleep and rest.
It is important that I have balance in my life and to remove myself from being like the adrenaline rat in the wheel trying to go faster and faster getting nowhere healthy it all being a complete waste of time and energy.
It was very difficult for me to slow down and think things out clearly and put them to paper. To not worry all the time which again is fear based issues.
For most of my life I had got in to the unhealthy habits of trying to juggle far too many balls at one time and often they all came crashing down up on me time and time again and I did not learn from those unhealthy habits with unhealthy consequences.
How can a person think they can love a machine or plastic chips and not living their life?
Everyone has their own opinion what love is all about, everyone has their own opinion what happiness is all about, and everyone has their own opinion as to what life is all about.
This is yet another day of radiation and there is no fear in me just a kind of calmness and peace within myself based a lot on trust.
How committed am I today to understand reasons behind each one of the spiritual values today, that each spiritual value embraced is important in to my character building such as healthy unconditional loving unconditional giving forgiving apologizing caring trusting trust worthy patience tolerance humility sincere honest faithful loyal optimistic self assured and well self balanced punctual courteous respectful considerate grateful content productive creative constructive nurturing sharing encouraging optimistic cooperative aware content stable humble open minded self confident calm proud love and serene.
Asking for help apologizing humbling myself to truth exposing myself emotionally is a sign of my strength and all about me being more mature and responsible. It is about me being healthy with myself and with other people.
Today I have a new life with new healthy choices and it far extends beyond not gambling or wasting my life living in the pains and fears of my past.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave
For me step one understanding that split second my life became unmanageable emotionally, the feelings that use to make me feel very vulnerable were pain fear frustrations loneliness and boredom.
When you walk in to the rooms of spiritual recovery you feel pain due to our own actions towards our self and our family, then each day as we abstain we start to feel the pain of the guilt and shame of what we have done in the past.
Even though that day we often have done nothing to hurt or offend people. We are living in the pain of the guilt and shame of our past.
Resentments vengeance feeling bitter and twisted is also living in the pains of our past but that is due to pain other people caused towards our self.
Yet the common factor is that we had lost the ability to heal and nurture our own pains, most people will say to them self they have forgiven other people when in fact all they have done is bury pains of their past.
We were born able to heal pains and were so easily able to forgive, yet due to pain and trauma in myself I took every ones elseâs pain fear frustrations on board as my own I felt responsible for how other people felt.
That then was not healthy and is still not healthy today, so I have learned to talk people through their pain fear frustrations but I am not responsible for healing their pain they are.
Funny enough pain fear frustrations are the same feelings that use to cause me to be angry and resentful most of the time; every time I said I have to imply that I did most things in my life resentfully.
My motives for living life has changed hence I understand there is wants and needs no more have to do thinking.
As I do things for myself and others unconditionally I found out I got pleasure from doing things.
Sadly if you do things with expectations and hidden motives you always finish up disappointed, yes expectations and hidden motives was always a come down.
I was born able to give of myself unconditionally who could have caused me to think and behave in unhealthy ways? It is not common to one person?
Most people who arrive in recovery feel they are not responsible for their actions they so much want to blame the gambling establishments for their unhealthy actions?
Some people will even believe in their mind it is the devil that controls them, for me the reason I use to escape to unhealthy actions was pain fear frustrations loneliness and boredom.
Once we ask our self what feelings did I have just before I had that first bet?
Then I would understand what emotions made me feel vulnerable and were my triggers.
For me anyone any one at all can find the spiritual healing program and spiritual recovery even if they are not a religious people at all. The program works for anyone who is willing to really work the spiritual recovery program.
The spiritual recovery program works for anyone who is willing to do the work and make change towards healthy living.
The wording in red book step three âGamblers anonymous is a spiritual program, not a religious fellowship.â It is not mentioned often enough about recovery being a spiritual recovery program.
The spiritual recovery program is all about living a new healthy life but it has to be our conscious decision to make changes within myself; I needed to admit to myself that I had unhealthy habits before I could change those unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
Each day I am placed in to the radiation position to be exposed to X-rays it becomes easier, I am able to feel so comfortable I could snooze off nicely even on the hard board they call a bed.
People often get frustrated because they do not understand what they need to do to find healthy life, they resist writing down their feelings they resist telephoning people they resist going beyond a certain point talking about child hood issues.
It makes me laugh when the recovery program asks us to humble our self, some people think it is about belittling our self, for me because I felt lower than dog crap humbling myself to be equal to all people was a promotion form how I use to feel about myself.
Like many I walked in to recovery because of lack of funds I had wasted away, I did not walk in thinking I had child hood programming issues or that I felt vulnerable emotionally.
I did not think that due to emotional abuse due to physical abuse and due to sexual abuse all before I was 12 years old had anything to do about how I felt today.
When I married Shirley did I think to myself I have all these emotional baggage and once I get married all that emotional crap will melt away?
When I married Shirley I was able to see that I had an emotional age of a ten year old child and felt the same vulnerability as that child did when he was being abused.
Why could I not tell my parents I loved them without feeling so emotionally vulnerable? Why could I not tell my wife I loved them without feeling so emotionally vulnerable?
The more into recovery I got the more questions I had to ask myself, sometimes I did not like my own answers?
The spiritual recovery program is only a guide or manual for us to help our self, if I do not call other people for help I am not helping myself, if I am putting on any kind of pretence or facade I am only cheating myself.
If I lie I cheat myself, if I lie in any way I have no choice but to live in fear of being found out of my lies or deceptions.
As people grow in recovery the spiritual recovery program should change with its people, sadly that is not the case.
If I am saying to myself âI have toâ do things I am still thinking with an obsessive thinking mind.
I now understand for me my life is split in too wants and needs, I have eight hours of need to do thing, I have eight hours of want to do things, and eight hours of sleep and rest.
It is important that I have balance in my life and to remove myself from being like the adrenaline rat in the wheel trying to go faster and faster getting nowhere healthy it all being a complete waste of time and energy.
It was very difficult for me to slow down and think things out clearly and put them to paper. To not worry all the time which again is fear based issues.
For most of my life I had got in to the unhealthy habits of trying to juggle far too many balls at one time and often they all came crashing down up on me time and time again and I did not learn from those unhealthy habits with unhealthy consequences.
How can a person think they can love a machine or plastic chips and not living their life?
Everyone has their own opinion what love is all about, everyone has their own opinion what happiness is all about, and everyone has their own opinion as to what life is all about.
This is yet another day of radiation and there is no fear in me just a kind of calmness and peace within myself based a lot on trust.
How committed am I today to understand reasons behind each one of the spiritual values today, that each spiritual value embraced is important in to my character building such as healthy unconditional loving unconditional giving forgiving apologizing caring trusting trust worthy patience tolerance humility sincere honest faithful loyal optimistic self assured and well self balanced punctual courteous respectful considerate grateful content productive creative constructive nurturing sharing encouraging optimistic cooperative aware content stable humble open minded self confident calm proud love and serene.
Asking for help apologizing humbling myself to truth exposing myself emotionally is a sign of my strength and all about me being more mature and responsible. It is about me being healthy with myself and with other people.
Today I have a new life with new healthy choices and it far extends beyond not gambling or wasting my life living in the pains and fears of my past.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave