15-12-2011, 11:09 AM
Thank you Dave, for sharing of yourself and being so honest and putting in your time and effort. I keep reading what you have written over and over and I am trying to work it. Small steps at a time.
I am back in feeling the emptyness, disappointment and anquish and so on, but I also realise that these emotions are coming from my gambling, as a cover up of the other emotions that I am having a hard time handling. And if anything this gives me extra motivations to work against, back to the right path, one day at a time. After all I know that all of these passifying emotions will let go again. And everytime that my hardest, most painful and true emotions rise, I will have to try to take care of these so that all of which hurts so badly, in time hopefully will begin to hurt less.
It is a line that is hard to define for me, the one between selfpity and allowing myself to feel and work through my emotions. Somtimes I do cross the line to the wrong side, gambling is certainly crossing it with a HUGE step, but I also get irritated and feel sad when I sometimes start to believe that others are putting me in the first category, when I am actually trying to stay on the "right" side of the line. However I can´t read other peoples minds, and even if I could, I will have to continue to work with realising my inability to affect and to control things that I can not. I have to keep working with trusting myself and not caring so much about what others might think or not.
I don´t know what is right or wrong for others, not even for myself, and I do swing between despair and hope. Like I said before I have difficulties handling waiting and hoping, due to the fact that I have been disappointed so many times.
I am a compulsive gambler in recover AND I have a lot of emotional issues too. And I am still welcome within GA, as long as I have a wish to stop gambling and staying gambling free.
I do belive in the spiritual healing program and the spiritual values you are telling me about.
I am grateful, even if I don´t always know how to show it in a good way.
With warmth
Paula
I am back in feeling the emptyness, disappointment and anquish and so on, but I also realise that these emotions are coming from my gambling, as a cover up of the other emotions that I am having a hard time handling. And if anything this gives me extra motivations to work against, back to the right path, one day at a time. After all I know that all of these passifying emotions will let go again. And everytime that my hardest, most painful and true emotions rise, I will have to try to take care of these so that all of which hurts so badly, in time hopefully will begin to hurt less.
It is a line that is hard to define for me, the one between selfpity and allowing myself to feel and work through my emotions. Somtimes I do cross the line to the wrong side, gambling is certainly crossing it with a HUGE step, but I also get irritated and feel sad when I sometimes start to believe that others are putting me in the first category, when I am actually trying to stay on the "right" side of the line. However I can´t read other peoples minds, and even if I could, I will have to continue to work with realising my inability to affect and to control things that I can not. I have to keep working with trusting myself and not caring so much about what others might think or not.
I don´t know what is right or wrong for others, not even for myself, and I do swing between despair and hope. Like I said before I have difficulties handling waiting and hoping, due to the fact that I have been disappointed so many times.
I am a compulsive gambler in recover AND I have a lot of emotional issues too. And I am still welcome within GA, as long as I have a wish to stop gambling and staying gambling free.
I do belive in the spiritual healing program and the spiritual values you are telling me about.
I am grateful, even if I don´t always know how to show it in a good way.
With warmth
Paula