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Still Battling Away
This is the first time i have posted but not the first time i have come across GA. I am a compulsive gambler and yesterday i again let down the people i love dearest. BUT i am better than this "disease" and i will never stop giving up on gambling.

I first walked through the GA doors around 3 years ago, much to my suprise to be greeted by a warm and welcoming group of people, at this stage i knew i had a problem and was looking for anything to get me off this downward slope. Did it work yes, however im not going to make excuses i didnt want to comit my life to going to GA once a week. So decided i was "cured" and decided to make my own way in a gamble free life. Wrong Decision.

I started gambling from when i was around 20 years old, i had gambled previously but very rarely and mainly picking horses out with my father on Saturday morning. I grew up with a compulsive gambler in my father, and saw the pain and hurt he caused to those around him, you would have thought that would have kept me away. My father and i never spent any quality time together, the only time i remember my father bothering with me was to pick him some horse out of the paper, or a family trip to a racecourse. Im not saying this is why i followed in his footsteps but from them bookies became a mysterious place, a place of excitement and eventually curiosity drew me in. By the time i was 20 i was entering a bookies every dinner time from work, but it wasnt a problem (so i thought) and i would never turn out like my dad.

Eventually the time came when i had my first big loss, i told my partner straight away and she was very supportive and promised to stand by and help me. At this stage i still didnt think i had a problem, it was just one stupid mistake. It didnt take long to go back in and lose more. Again i turned to my partner and eventually went through the doors of GA, by this time i had confessed to all, the dissapointment in those that i loved made me realise i am a compulsive gambler and i needed to stop and make sure i didnt go down the path of my father.

I attended GA for a gamble free year, and what a year it was life was finally starting to look bright. But i knew better and thought i was finally cured! It didnt take too much longer to again hurt the loved ones around and return! But why i had everything and life for the first time was good, i only wish i could answer that, i gamble think everything would be alright if i could just win it back to evade having to tell the ones i love and before i come to my senses the damage is done.

This time i didnt go to GA as i was offered councelling. Again it worked but the concelling wasnt forever. I again slipped this time after about 6 months gamble free! By this time my partner had agreed to be my wife and it was 6 months before we where due to wed. Again i turned her life upside down and broken all the promises i had set before.

Again she agreed to take me back and start again, this time i was doing it my way and on my own! We got married and until yesterday i was 18 months gamble free, but i got drawn in to a bookies and never stopped until the damage was done. My marriage lies in tatters and this time i have finally pushed things too far. How can i hurt the one person who has stood by me all this time, how could i break so many promises?! Again i get confronted with the "you cant love me, if you did you wouldnt have done it". I obviously understand why she says this but the truth is i think the world of her and love her! So why do i do this? Why do i not think of the consequenses before hand? With my wife it is never the money and being a compulsive gambler i am luck to not be in debt but its the liar it creates!

Gambling has ruined my life, but i cant let it ruin the rest of my life! Even if i have to walk this path alone then so be it. Even though i have yet again ruined everything i can still draw positives. I did go 18 months without a bet, and each time i do slip up i learn something new as to what can catch me out and what to look out for in the future.

I will be going back to GA this week, a new start, comitted not for the sort term but for life. I will fight tooth and nail for my marriage but for once i need to do this for myself! Whatever life throws at me i am ready and determined.

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