23-06-2011, 12:06 AM
From what you have shared you seem to have a serious gambling problem and cannot stop even when you realise that you are going to lose all of your money. From my own experience I knew even before I went gambling that I was more likely than not to lose everything that I could get my hands on. IT NEVER STOPPED ME. My sponsor says that he was insane with gambling and so was I. No matter what I did or barriers I put in place if the urge to gamble came into my head then wild horses couldn't stop me. I was an extreme example of self will run riot. No amount of pain from the last engagement would stop me from the next one. It would all soon be forgotten in the dust of my chase "I will sort this out" fact is I never did sort it out. After 23 years in and out of GA like the hokey cokey (left leg in but right leg out) I finally arrived at a point I was told about at my first meeting. A member at my first meeting said"If you don't stop this insanity it will kill you". As a young arrogant self opinionated kid I thought he's over egging the custard there! Little did I know at the time he was absolutely right and some 23 years later was ready to commit suicide. What stopped me you may ask? Only that my brother died at 43 from no apparent cause and left three young kids behind. I too have three young kids and even in my insane state of mind knew that I could not put my family through another Greek tragedy. What did I do? I asked a fellow member for his help. He agreed without any hesitation and we set about the task in hand. We went through the original steps of recovery and I followed his instructions to the letter. In a very short time the mental obsession to gamble had gone and I was FREE. It may sound to good to be true and it is. I was a doubter for many many years in fact I nearly served a double life tariff as a result of my own denial. I wouldn't do a fourth and fifth step (write down a moral inventory of myself, step five tell someone ALL my faults and misdemeanour's) as I was too afraid and self possessed. Thank GOD that I finally yielded to the power of our programme. Today life is wonderful, full of great things that are promised and full of willingness to put the past right. You need to get to your nearest meeting and see if you identify with what gets said there. Stay around your meeting don't gamble you will be OK. When your illness tells you not to make the effort to go to a meeting get there straight away that's where it wants you on your own. GET TO A MEETING AND YOU WON'T BE ALONE ANY MORE.